Quaxelrod.com: the official @MayorEmanuel archive.

@MayorEmanuel was a satirical Twitter account that turned the 2011 Chicago Mayoral Election into real-time literature. From making snow angels on the frozen ice of Lake Michigan, to dancing with the ghost of Curtis Mayfield, to its emotional climax at the edge of space-time itself, the Tweets of @MayorEmanuel offered a highly profane, hilariously surreal--and, at times oddly moving--look at this historic election, this larger-than-life persona, redemption, sacrifice, and the lasting bonds of both friendship and civic pride. This archive offers the original Tweets in chronological order and with contextual @replies where possible. Tweets authored by @dansinker.

  1. fuck you right in your fucking face-hole. Monday, September 27, 2010 09:52:09 PM via Tweetie for Mac
  2. Someone tell those fuckwads at @politico to shut their fucking trap, or I'll fucking END THEM. Monday, September 27, 2010 10:11:12 PM via Tweetie for Mac
  3. Someone tell @joshtpm to shut his asshole before I have to hop an Acela Express and do it my goddamn self. Monday, September 27, 2010 10:29:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  4. Hey @ourmaninchicago, I got something you can one-and-done. Monday, September 27, 2010 10:31:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  5. If the Bears fuck this up, my entire platform is going to revolve around burning that stadium to the fucking ground. Monday, September 27, 2010 10:34:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  6. Goddamn right Bears win. Monday, September 27, 2010 10:48:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  7. Hey @jaketapper, you wanna talk "breaking," how about I break my foot off inside your colon? Monday, September 27, 2010 10:58:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  8. I swear to god, if I never have to see another cherry blossom as long as I goddamn live, it'll still be too fucking soon. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:06:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  9. rstevens
     
    Before I go sleep, I want you to know that @MayorEmanuel rules. (with an iron fist) Monday, September 27, 2010 11:17:52 PM via Tweetie for Mac
  10. @rstevens that sounds about fucking right. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:20:18 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to rstevens
  11. Fuck-sucking douchenuts. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:24:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  12. chitownpolitics
    Slats Lonigan
    RT @dansinker: RT @MayorEmanuel: Someone tell those fuckwads at @politico to shut their fucking trap, or I'll fucking END THEM. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:24:32 PM via TweetDeck
  13. @chitownpolitics I'll end you too, in a fucking heartbeat. Just so we understand each other. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:27:29 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to chitownpolitics
  14. FakeDavidMamet
    Not D Mamet
    @MayorEmanuel I Shuffle, You Cut. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:30:22 PM via web
  15. .@FakeDavidMamet fuck you and your fucking fake account. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:31:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to FakeDavidMamet
  16. FakeDavidMamet
    Not D Mamet
    @MayorEmanuel Fuck me, pal? Or what? Your brother takes away my driving privledges, puts, puts, puts Lindsay Lohan in Redbelt 2? Monday, September 27, 2010 11:37:30 PM via web
  17. @FakeDavidMamet it's only words, unless they're motherfucking true. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:40:36 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to FakeDavidMamet
  18. DanielLibit
    Daniel Libit
    Fake #Rahm-for-Mayor Account (@MayorEmanuel): check. All that's left is an official announcement. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:37:50 PM via web
  19. @DanielLibit yeah, and I'm sure the "Chicago News Cooperative" (the fuck: do you sit around braiding each other's hair?) gets right on that. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:43:48 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to DanielLibit
  20. thomascbowen
    Thomas C. Bowen
    @speakermadigan will you be following @MayorEmanuel? Monday, September 27, 2010 11:46:19 PM via ƜberTwitter
  21. @thomascbowen fuck that @speakermadigan douchecannon right in his earhole. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:49:32 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to thomascbowen
  22. eaglie
    Eaglie/Andy D.
    BEST RETWEET EVER!!! RT @EgyTweets RT @eaglie: There will be a new Pharaoh in Egypt! Hail, Rahmses the First, @MayorEmanuel! Monday, September 27, 2010 11:56:36 PM via web
  23. @eaglie we're trying to get a peace deal brokered. Don't start provoking the fucking Egypt auto-tweet account and fuck it all up for us. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:59:33 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to eaglie
  24. Shit-screw you in your fucking cock-hole. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:07:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  25. SennettReport
    Frank Sennett
    @MayorEmanuel Thank you for elevating the discourse on Twitter. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:12:44 AM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  26. @SennettReport you'll be thanking me for a whole lot more than fucking that come February. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:15:32 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SennettReport
  27. ericzieg
    Eric Ziegenhagen
    @MayorEmanuel What about the meters? Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:17:54 AM via web
  28. @ericzieg Fuck the fucking meters. Have you looked, even for a second, at the debt? The meters are a cock-hair in an ocean of shit Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:21:35 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ericzieg
  29. cloaker
    Pete Bray
    rahm emanuel considers the chief of staff position as a stepping stone?! some swagger to that dude. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:26:19 AM via TweetDeck
  30. @cloaker I'll show you some fucking swagger. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:30:54 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cloaker
  31. cloaker
    Pete Bray
    @MayorEmanuel what is your first order of business going to be as mayor?! ;) Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:35:21 AM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  32. @cloaker take a streaming dump in Daley's old toilet, naturally. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:37:41 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cloaker
  33. Cocking shit-shiners it's late. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:43:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  34. Also, Sneed: stop talking about yourself in the third person or I swear to god, I will break my dick off and fuck you in the hair follicles. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 07:37:46 AM via Twitterrific
  35. AmyJacobson
    Amy Jacobson
    Rahm Emanuel will resign this Friday but where will he live? https://www.suntimes.com/news/sneed/2752062,CST-NWS-SNEED28.article Tuesday, September 28, 2010 07:34:09 AM via web
  36. @amyjacobson where will I live? I'll just roll out a sleeping bag and sleep in the middle of their fucking bed. Who's house? Rahm's house! Tuesday, September 28, 2010 07:41:05 AM via Twitterrific in reply to AmyJacobson
  37. .@BIAk_xs_THE_ you need to shut your motherfucking spam account down right now, or I swear I will crawl through the wires and do it for you Tuesday, September 28, 2010 07:46:06 AM via Twitterrific
  38. You know who I'm not going to miss at all? Mich McConnell. That guy is the king of the fucking pansy-shitters. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 07:50:48 AM via Twitterrific
  39. jsb
    john bracken
    If you care about the future of Chicago and are not following @MayorEmanuel what the f is your problem? Tuesday, September 28, 2010 07:51:13 AM via Twitter for iPhone
  40. @jsb "care about the future of Chicago"? How about the puking PRESENT of Chicago? It's ass-handles like you that make me glad to leave DC Tuesday, September 28, 2010 07:57:10 AM via Twitterrific in reply to jsb
  41. Some mornings coffee is like standing underneath a twat-rainbow while fucking a thousand puppies in the mouth. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 08:22:32 AM via Twitterrific
  42. spielfogel
    David Spielfogel
    Or if you want to get yelled at. RT @jsb: If you care about future of Chicago & are not following @MayorEmanuel what the f is your problem? Tuesday, September 28, 2010 08:21:06 AM via TweetDeck
  43. @spielfogel just give me a fucking reason to yell. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 08:25:39 AM via Twitterrific in reply to spielfogel
  44. gapersblock
    Gapers Block
    Mayor Rahm's Already on Twitter: @MayorEmanuel is as NSFW as you'd expect it to be. (Meanwhile, @MayorRahm is... https://dlvr.it/64S9Q Tuesday, September 28, 2010 08:32:04 AM via dlvr.it
  45. @gapersblock I'm keeping my eye on you kids. Step outta line and I'll get my NSFW all over your fucking keyboard. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 08:39:20 AM via Twitterrific in reply to gapersblock
  46. stringbot
    Josh Davison
    If you live in Chicago and you aren't following @MayorEmanuel you are not engaged in PROPER CIVIC FUCKING DISCOURSE #pointingstubbyfinger Tuesday, September 28, 2010 08:56:32 AM via web
  47. @stringbot that sounds about fucking right. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 09:15:06 AM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to stringbot
  48. Jesus shit-Christ is it awkward around the office today. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 09:24:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  49. SennettReport
    Frank Sennett
    I'd like to RT @MayorEmanuel's piquant observations, but I'm afraid to offend tweeps' delicate sensibilities. He's making me laugh, though. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 09:38:00 AM via TweetDeck
  50. @SennettReport I got your "piquant" whenever you want it, Frank. Just bend over. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 09:40:24 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SennettReport
  51. Wait a second: who the fuck holds a fucking election in Chicago in fucking FEBRUARY? Tuesday, September 28, 2010 09:42:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  52. We're all supposed to go out their with our dicks swinging in the snow? Tuesday, September 28, 2010 09:45:54 AM via Seesmic for Android
  53. cubsfanrpt
    Cubs Fan Report
    @MayorEmanuel We haven't announced our endorsement yet, but it'd be good to have a #Cubs fan in charge again Tuesday, September 28, 2010 09:52:45 AM via HootSuite
  54. @cubsfanrpt yeah, well if you could work on them to stop holding their cocks and start holding some bats, that'd be great. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 09:55:59 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cubsfanrpt
  55. cubsfanrpt
    Cubs Fan Report
    @MayorEmanuel We'll do you a favor & sign you up for some of Zambrano's anger management sessions right away Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:00:57 AM via HootSuite in reply to MayorEmanuel
  56. @cubsfanrpt don't do me any fucking favors Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:02:12 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cubsfanrpt
  57. Tony_Bosco
    Tony
    The @MayorEmanuel parody reminds me of Andrew Dice Clay. Unfunny fake anger by a closet case geek. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:03:10 AM via TweetDeck
  58. @Tony_Bosco how's that bankruptcy working out? Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:04:19 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Tony_Bosco
  59. SamAbernethy
    Samantha
    If you like swear words and Chicago politics, follow @MayorEmanuel Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:16:34 AM via Twitter for Android
  60. @SamAbernethy seems like a fucking redundancy, if you ask me Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:17:29 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  61. emilyhilleren
    Emily
    Just blew the nice "666 following" count I had going for @MayorEmanuel. My Twitter feed might actually be more evil now. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:17:56 AM via web
  62. @emilyhilleren just drop one motherfucker. Problem solved. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:19:33 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to emilyhilleren
  63. I will miss sneaking juice boxes with Sasha. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:01:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  64. Most of the lunch briefing was spent deciding whether I should drive down K Street yelling "sionara, bitches!" Or "fuck you very much!" Tuesday, September 28, 2010 02:21:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  65. Christ, the fuck train got derailed on its way to bullshit junction today. I blame Duncan. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 02:43:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  66. Another thing about Duncan: for being so tall, that guy is a fucking pussy when it comes to the head-fake. Make him jump every goddamn time. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 02:50:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  67. Axelrod tells me "Who replaced Chicago with this shitfest?" isn't a good slogan. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 03:32:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  68. cock-clomping fuck-wasters Wednesday, September 29, 2010 07:43:39 AM via Tweetie for Mac
  69. I really fucking hope that I get to stay on hold with Comcast Chicago all goddamn day. Yes, please, transfer me again. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 09:31:31 AM via Tweetie for Mac
  70. So Axelrod is blathering on about a "new Burnham plan" and I just look him square in the eye and say, "fuck you, you fucking mustache-face" Wednesday, September 29, 2010 10:02:20 AM via Seesmic for Android
  71. LexInterior
    Alexis Peterka
    Would consider moving to Chicago to live in a city run by @MayorEmanuel. On second thought, Rahm? More temperate winters in Portland... Wednesday, September 29, 2010 10:38:04 AM via web
  72. @LexInterior I would rather punch myself in the cock every day than have to move to Portland fucking Oregon. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 10:40:03 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to LexInterior
  73. EmilyRNunn
    emily nunn
    @MayorEmanuel Love you, Next Mayor. But it's Sayonara Wednesday, September 29, 2010 10:34:34 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  74. @nunncookchicago I got your sayonara right here. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 10:40:25 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to EmilyRNunn
  75. I'm not a motherfucking giant Snoopy balloon, so I will not appear at your motherfucking parade. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 11:00:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  76. Geithner never stops talking. You can be standing there, double birds in his face and your cock hanging out, and he's all blah blah blah... Wednesday, September 29, 2010 12:04:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  77. fifteenideas
    kevin lynch
    @MayorEmanuel if you're not too busy not announcing your candidacy, check this out: https://foursquariancandidate.com/ Wednesday, September 29, 2010 01:20:06 PM via web
  78. @fifteenideas Like I'm going to take time out from running the fucking country to go look at your fucking site. Stick a mouse up your ass. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 01:41:45 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to fifteenideas
  79. I would rather lick the balls of the entire Chicago city counsel than have to deal with the fuck-nuggets in the House for another 10 minutes Wednesday, September 29, 2010 02:25:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  80. PatQuinnsBrain
    Governor Pat Quinn
    @MayorEmanuel You still haven't kissed the ring of the most powerful Democrat in Illinois. Hint: That would be me. I am the Governor! Wednesday, September 29, 2010 02:53:17 PM via web
  81. @PatQuinnsBrain I got something you can kiss, you brain-dead fuck. Who elected you again? Wednesday, September 29, 2010 03:01:50 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to PatQuinnsBrain
  82. Fucking cum-fisted douche-faucets Wednesday, September 29, 2010 09:40:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  83. Shitting cock-face, I stayed up way too late watching "Must Love Dogs" again. And I gotta deal with fucking Vilsack in the morning. Fuck me. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:33:06 AM via web
  84. Cock Thursday, September 30, 2010 06:36:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  85. -a-doodle-doo, assholes. Wake the fuck up. Thursday, September 30, 2010 06:37:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  86. If Dick Mell leaves another VM promising to be a "kingmaker," I'm going to pry all the keys off this phone and stuff them up his urethera Thursday, September 30, 2010 08:13:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  87. I walked into the briefing today, birds up, and said "Hey snatch-warblers, you've only got one day left with this bitch." It's official. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:06:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  88. Jesus fuck-Christ, I told them that if they're going to go with Rouse, they'll have to find another billion in the budget for donut runs. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:19:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  89. AndyM_Reyes
    Andy Reyes
    @MayorEmanuel you fucking cunt you run for mayor I'll fuck your mom Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:22:53 PM via Echofon
  90. @KidTronzy watch your fucking mouth you fucking douche-fuck. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:24:12 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to AndyM_Reyes
  91. Apparently they went with Rouse because the potted fucking bamboo in the fucking East Room was too busy. Too bad, the bamboo says more. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:32:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  92. Another thing about Rouse: Hope you like your morning briefings around 11:45, because cock-asses that motherfucker can sleep in. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:48:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  93. ryanwynia
    Ryan Wynia
    I guess it's better than President Emmanuel. Introducing @MayorEmanuel (via @annatarkov) Thursday, September 30, 2010 01:13:25 PM via TweetDeck
  94. @ryanwynia give it a little time, ass-hammer Thursday, September 30, 2010 02:11:03 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ryanwynia
  95. Gibbs keeps looking at me and his eyes well up, like he's eating the dong-berries right off the pussy-bush Thursday, September 30, 2010 02:15:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  96. I would rather slam my dick in a door than look at the motherfucking yard sign samples Plouffe just emailed. Thursday, September 30, 2010 02:59:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  97. SpeakerBachmann
    Speaker Bachmann
    @MayorEmanuel don't let my gavel hit you in the ass on the way out... Thursday, September 30, 2010 04:41:05 PM via Twitter for iPhone
  98. @SpeakerBachmann Lady, I have twenty-fucking-four hours before I can fucking tell you exactly what I fucking think of you. Thursday, September 30, 2010 04:52:42 PM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to SpeakerBachmann
  99. Salazar just came up with a fruit basket. Ken, unless you want me to insert these into your colon one-by-one, get the fuck out of my face. Thursday, September 30, 2010 04:58:37 PM via Twitterrific
  100. Been eating Fiber One all day so I've got enough shit to go around tomorrow. Lieberman, be sure to check your mail: you just got shit-boxed. Thursday, September 30, 2010 07:52:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  101. SpeakerBachmann
    Speaker Bachmann
    @MayorEmanuel chased out of town by patriots, crawl back to your corrupt hole Thursday, September 30, 2010 07:56:12 PM via Twitter for iPad in reply to MayorEmanuel
  102. @SpeakerBachmann I would rather crawl back to my "corrupt hole" than be anywhere near yours. Thursday, September 30, 2010 09:03:47 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SpeakerBachmann
  103. SpeakerBachmann
    Speaker Bachmann
    Hey #teaparty #patriots, remind @MayorEmanuel why his corrupt Chicago thug ways will not be missed! www.BachmannforSpeaker.com #gop #rahm Thursday, September 30, 2010 09:27:59 PM via Twitter for iPad
  104. @SpeakerBachmann You do realize you're fucking with a fucking fake account, right? You fucking crazy ass-tard. Thursday, September 30, 2010 09:46:15 PM via web in reply to SpeakerBachmann
  105. Last goddamn night in this fucking shit-coffin of a town. Thursday, September 30, 2010 10:19:44 PM via Twitterrific
  106. Thank god it's motherfucking shit-scratching cock-bleeding Friday. Friday, October 1, 2010 07:40:47 AM via web
  107. Dear Washington Press Corps, suck it out of my asshole, you fucking third-rate, cock-handed, twat-cobbler hacks. I will miss you not at all. Friday, October 1, 2010 08:58:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  108. Hey Steny Hoyer, check your mail today: You just got shit-boxed. And I'm sure there's enough in there to pass around. Friday, October 1, 2010 09:04:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  109. LaHood just pulled up in his fucking electric clown car. This fucking ceremony is going to last a dong-capping lifetime isn't it? Friday, October 1, 2010 09:15:12 AM via Seesmic for Android
  110. Rouse just waddled up, panting like a leg-fucking schnauzer. "Sorry I'm late." Yeah, you fuck-hat, I'm sure you are. Friday, October 1, 2010 09:32:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  111. Only thing getting me through this fucking thing is knowing my shaking hand is covered in cock sweat. Friday, October 1, 2010 09:45:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  112. Vilsack's halitosis is like breathing through a scuba tank full of dongs. Friday, October 1, 2010 10:01:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  113. DCA > OR-MF-D Friday, October 1, 2010 10:37:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  114. There is a pothole on the fucking Kennedy Expressway that I swear just made me cough up my sphincter Friday, October 1, 2010 03:47:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  115. 23 cock-socked, twat-fingered voicemails from Plouffe. In two hours! How many more before he figures out I'm not fucking answering? Friday, October 1, 2010 04:26:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  116. "Hey Rahm, David. I was thinking about strategies for the 32nd ward..." Fucking dick-trimming shit-sorcerers, I'm going to toss this phone. Friday, October 1, 2010 04:32:18 PM via Seesmic for Android
  117. BDayspring
    Brad Dayspring
    And Rahm's mayoral campaign might...just might... want to deal with the @MayorEmanuel twitter feed.... Just sayin' #couldcomebacktohauntya Friday, October 1, 2010 01:05:51 PM via HootSuite
  118. @BDayspring please-fucking pretty please with fucking sugar on top-tell me you have better things to do than follow fake accounts on twitter Friday, October 1, 2010 04:45:39 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to BDayspring
  119. @BDayspring ...because, and I'm fucking serious here, if you don't, I could send you and Cantor a fucking list to get you fucking started. Friday, October 1, 2010 04:48:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to BDayspring
  120. Home. I'm going to crack open this Half Acre tallboy, pop in "Serendipity," and put my feet up. Fuck all of you in your cock-soaked armpits. Friday, October 1, 2010 04:58:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  121. jaketapper
    Jake Tapper
    wait...which one of @FakeRahmEmanuel @RahmforMayor and @MayorEmanuel is real??? y'all go fight it out. Friday, October 1, 2010 05:04:32 PM via web
  122. @jaketapper christ, that you even have to ask that question explains everything a person has to know about the fucking state of journalism Friday, October 1, 2010 05:16:27 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jaketapper
  123. juggernautco
    Daniel X. O'Neil
    .@MayorEmanuel: theoretically, if I said you could kiss my ass re: waltzing in and becoming Mayor, what would happen next? Friday, October 1, 2010 04:58:49 PM via Twitter for BlackBerryĀ®
  124. @juggernautco theoretically, I'd tell you that I've got something you could motherfucking waltz with, you fucking cock-stamp. Friday, October 1, 2010 05:18:13 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to juggernautco
  125. muff-shitting fuck-towers Saturday, October 2, 2010 09:46:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  126. Thing I like about Quigley: that the dong-fountain calls me "sir." Thing I don't like: motherfucker thinks Saturday is a good day to drop by Saturday, October 2, 2010 10:00:01 AM via Seesmic for Android
  127. I would rather snap a mousetrap inside my own asshole than take a meeting with Jody fucking Weis. Saturday, October 2, 2010 04:12:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  128. The top-fucking fuck-topper: Burke. Saturday, October 2, 2010 05:21:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  129. Axelrod has been standing outside my house in the rain all fucking day. Stopped knocking hours ago. What a shit-sad moustache he's got on. Saturday, October 2, 2010 08:18:12 PM via web
  130. A cold, rainy October night? Someone tell Axelrod to pack his charts and head fucking home, I'm watching "1408." Boo, you fucking cock-tards Saturday, October 2, 2010 09:05:37 PM via web
  131. Holy fuck-smacks, where's the shit-coughing coffee? Sunday, October 3, 2010 08:33:44 AM via web
  132. 183 emails from Plouffe later, and the suck-fucking webtards still made a site that looks like Barack's: https://www.chicagoforrahm.com/ Sunday, October 3, 2010 01:30:32 PM via web
  133. brfreed
    Benjamin Freed
    Rahm Emanuel's official website is up and running. Nice fucking design, @MayorEmanuel: https://ow.ly/2NGLu Sunday, October 3, 2010 12:52:42 PM via HootSuite
  134. @brfreed let's see you do better, you fucking nut-flapper. Sunday, October 3, 2010 01:37:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to brfreed
  135. braak
     
    @megancarpentier @MayorEmanuel That's good, but "shit-sorcerers" is overburdened with "s"'s, which aren't preferred. Maybe "shit-wizards?" Sunday, October 3, 2010 10:49:45 AM via web in reply to megancarpentier
  136. @braak too many s's, huh? Suck my screaming shit-sack, you siamese suck-shrimp. Sunday, October 3, 2010 01:40:13 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to braak
  137. Axelrod's shooting my "special video announcement" (WTF?) for tomorrow. Wants me to say "Daley's stewardship" and I keep saying "sewer-shit" Sunday, October 3, 2010 01:47:54 PM via web
  138. windycitybeer
    C Daugherty
    Who thinks @MayorEmanuel should box with John Boehner as a campaign fundraiser? That would make my year! Sunday, October 3, 2010 01:56:08 PM via web
  139. @windycitybeer No fucking way. Touch that guy and you're wiping orange mystic tan off your hands for a motherfucking week. Sunday, October 3, 2010 02:03:36 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to windycitybeer
  140. If Axelrod says "...and action!" one more time like he's Martin fucking Scorsese I'm going to cram his Flipcam into his fucking colon. Sunday, October 3, 2010 02:43:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  141. NikiConrad
    Miss Niki
    Hate to tell ya this, @MayorEmanuel, but the video's already up ... you f*cking ground up sack of jackass. https://ht.ly/2NJgH ;) Sunday, October 3, 2010 03:29:08 PM via HootSuite
  142. @NikiConrad yeah, because we're only making one fucking video. Head back to the lab, Albert fucking Einstein. Sunday, October 3, 2010 03:36:09 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to NikiConrad
  143. NikiConrad
    Miss Niki
    Nice try, @MayorEmanuel. "Axelrod's shooting my "special video announcement" (WTF?) for tomorrow." Move it along. Sunday, October 3, 2010 03:38:37 PM via HootSuite in reply to MayorEmanuel
  144. @NikiConrad I've got a special fucking announcement just for you: fuck you, you fuck-jogging cock-lump. Sunday, October 3, 2010 03:52:27 PM via web in reply to NikiConrad
  145. motherfucking dick-cramping fuck-jumpers Sunday, October 3, 2010 04:45:19 PM via web
  146. If Axelrod doesn't get back here with a Home Run Inn deep dish before the game starts, I'm going to dunk his fucking head in the fuck-tank. Sunday, October 3, 2010 06:36:59 PM via web
  147. Fortitude1913
     
    @MayorEmanuel Now I know with certainty this account is run by a non-Chicagoan: No one goes to Home Run Inn for deep dish! #thincrust Sunday, October 3, 2010 06:46:30 PM via Mobile Web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  148. @Fortitude1913 I've got a fucking "thin crust" you can gnaw on, you fucking cock-fizzle. Sunday, October 3, 2010 06:55:42 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Fortitude1913
  149. megancarpentier
    Megan Carpentier
    Related: may try to think up curses to catch up with @MayorEmanuel , but keep getting "shit-weasels" stuck in my head. Sunday, October 3, 2010 05:57:20 PM via Twitter for BlackBerryĀ®
  150. @megancarpentier I've got something you can "catch up" with, you fucking hyphenated curse-word. Sunday, October 3, 2010 06:57:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to megancarpentier
  151. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  152. @sleidigh maybe not for YOU, you motherfucking dong-crusted shit-slurp Sunday, October 3, 2010 07:14:58 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to sleidigh
  153. Solis just stopped by and was all, "Oh, you guys are watching the game?" Now I'm chucking my chicken wing gristle at his huge fucking head. Sunday, October 3, 2010 08:25:29 PM via web
  154. Jesus fucking Christ-on-a-Cock, could this Bears game be any more fucking boring? Helen Shiller plays better motherfucking ball than this. Sunday, October 3, 2010 09:00:37 PM via web
  155. Plouffe emailed to say that even if my listening tour tomorrow is spent listening to cock-bulbs complain about this game, I still have to go Sunday, October 3, 2010 09:19:03 PM via web
  156. Fucking dong-choke, if I was invited to a zoning board meeting right now I'd go in a heartbeat--has to be more exciting than this game Sunday, October 3, 2010 09:26:03 PM via web
  157. Fuck this game right in its fucking shit-sack. Axelrod had the right idea: He fell asleep in the middle of the first quarter. Sunday, October 3, 2010 10:32:43 PM via web
  158. If this motherfucking listening tour doesn't start with listening to someone make me motherfucking breakfast, I'm gonna stomp a cock. Monday, October 4, 2010 07:26:30 AM via web
  159. I'm going to have to drink an entire fucking bottle of Purell when I get home from all this shit-blasting hand-shaking. Monday, October 4, 2010 10:33:41 AM via web
  160. Jesus shit-painting nut-Christ, February is way fucking far away. Monday, October 4, 2010 04:08:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  161. What I learned on today's listening tour: You know what's wrong with Chicago? Every fucking motherfucking thing. Monday, October 4, 2010 04:32:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  162. michaelroston
    Michael Roston
    @MayorEmanuel real Chicagoans disinfect w/a tall boy of Old Style you carpetbagging ex-Ravenswood resident Monday, October 4, 2010 06:45:14 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  163. @michaelroston you know what "real" Chicagoans fucking LOVE? Motherfucking ass-catchers from New York fucking City tellng them what they do Monday, October 4, 2010 07:17:11 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to michaelroston
  164. After consulting with this four-pack of Gossamer Ale, it's decided: Axelrod's mustache can do the fucking listening tour on its own tomorrow Monday, October 4, 2010 07:39:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  165. frick-fucking crimp-cramming dick-jammers Monday, October 4, 2010 08:26:45 PM via web
  166. iambradk
    Brad Knollenberg
    @MayorEmanuel What are you going to do if they take you off the ballot because of your lack of Chicago housing? Monday, October 4, 2010 10:16:44 PM via web
  167. @iambradk they're not going to fucking take me off of fucking anything, you fucking muff-wish Monday, October 4, 2010 10:36:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to iambradk
  168. Jesus fuck-chomping Christ, everything's shit-shape today. Tuesday, October 5, 2010 08:32:32 AM via web
  169. Text from Plouffe: "try to grimace less when shaking hands." One of these days I'm going to give that motherfucker a reason to grimace. Tuesday, October 5, 2010 08:47:01 AM via web
  170. Who the fuck is in charge of cleaning the CTA stations? Because at this point I wouldn't mind taking a fucking meeting with that asshole. Tuesday, October 5, 2010 09:18:37 AM via Seesmic for Android
  171. Shitting-fuck-sausage. How do you fucking people eat like this? Tuesday, October 5, 2010 11:58:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  172. "I'm not a bitch. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you." Tuesday, October 5, 2010 12:42:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  173. Please, fucking pretty please with fucking sugar on top, stuff your camera into my face again, you fucking snatch-hole. Tuesday, October 5, 2010 01:28:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  174. Just fucking perfect: Axelrod's Civic just broke down in Chinatown. Again. Cock-stump. Tuesday, October 5, 2010 02:21:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  175. Manny Flores just drove by and chucked a can at me while Axerod's trying to change this tire. Fucking. Worst. Fucking. Day. Fucking. Ever. Tuesday, October 5, 2010 03:10:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  176. Christ, when this day is over, I'm going to devour an entire Eli's fucking cheesecake like I'm a motherfucking Cathy cartoon. Ack! Tuesday, October 5, 2010 03:32:53 PM via Seesmic for Android
  177. Cock-weeping shit-bananas Tuesday, October 5, 2010 05:05:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  178. Shrimp-sock fish-cock. I'm done with this fucking day. Tuesday, October 5, 2010 08:12:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  179. ciaraorourke
    Ciara O'Rourke
    I've started feeling sorry for David Axelrod's mustache since following @MayorEmanuel. Tuesday, October 5, 2010 08:27:20 PM via web
  180. @ciaraorourke believe me when I tell you that his moustache can fucking take it. That motherfucking thing will outlive us all. Tuesday, October 5, 2010 08:58:28 PM via web in reply to ciaraorourke
  181. Whichever one of you motherfuckers got me sick, you can go vote for Rickey fucking Hendon. To the rest of you--who's got some fucking soup? Wednesday, October 6, 2010 07:10:01 AM via web
  182. Harpsiii
    Jim Harper
    As @MayorEmanuel would say -new spin bikes fucking A fantastic but spin class music still bullshit. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 07:33:52 AM via Echofon
  183. @Harpsiii just so you know, I would never in a hundred-motherfucking-years say that. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 07:43:41 AM via web in reply to Harpsiii
  184. Sick, wearing nothing but a fucking bathrobe, going to meet with the Tribune Editorial Board. "That's their dress code," e-mails Plouffe. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 10:10:17 AM via web
  185. Apparently it's just me and Randy Michaels in bathrobes at the Tribune Tower. The king of the fucking ass-clowns. Great. Thanks, Plouffe. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 11:25:48 AM via web
  186. Michaels keeps interrupting the board's questions by standing up, opening his bathrobe and yelling "TALK TO THE COCK!!" Fucking fuck fuckers Wednesday, October 6, 2010 12:34:47 PM via web
  187. I would rather punch myself in the cock every hour on the hour than have to sit through something that humiliating again. Fucktard Tower. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 02:53:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  188. Fucking fuck-shitting motherfucking shit-fuck motherfuckers. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 03:17:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  189. katrinacabrera
    Katrina Cabrera
    @MayorEmanuel looks like you have some competition from @chitraderrob on www.foursquariancandidate.com. how does that make you feel? Wednesday, October 6, 2010 05:37:08 PM via web
  190. @katrinacabrera I could give a fucking motherfucking fuck. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 05:44:56 PM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to katrinacabrera
  191. Yes alderman, I am fucking delighted to have dinner at Harold's Chicken Shack. These motherfucking arteries aren't going to clog themselves Wednesday, October 6, 2010 05:54:01 PM via web
  192. JessicaGalliart
    Jessica Galliart
    @mayoremanuel We did some of the legwork for your campaign with these ads/posters on @TSJFeed. You're welcome, dick. https://bit.ly/alZsX7 Wednesday, October 6, 2010 05:58:02 PM via web
  193. @JessicaGalliart Fuck off. Plouffe's already got seven dozen poster variations up his ass. I don't need your motherfucking posters too. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 06:01:51 PM via web in reply to JessicaGalliart
  194. Waguespack keeps jogging by my house. Little short-shorts. I'm just standing in the front yard, birds up, waiting for the motherfucker. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 07:49:31 PM via web
  195. MATTVAS
    Matt Vasilogambros
    So, @MayorEmanuel was funny for one day ... now his tweets just makes me sad. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 07:53:24 PM via web
  196. @MATTVAS the unfollow button's right over there, motherfucker. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 07:54:31 PM via web in reply to MATTVAS
  197. scarpetablog
    Sharna Marcus
    @MayorEmanuel would love to hear your thoughts on alexi and mark :) Wednesday, October 6, 2010 07:53:38 PM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  198. @scarpetablog I guaran-fucking-tee you that you fucking don't want to hear my fucking thoughts about those fucking guys. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 07:55:02 PM via web in reply to scarpetablog
  199. And there he fucking goes a-fucking-gain: jog-jog-jog. WHAT THE FUCK?! Wednesday, October 6, 2010 07:56:15 PM via web
  200. I'm going to go for a jog up Waguespack's motherfucking colon if he comes back around again. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 08:03:52 PM via web
  201. josephpettini
    joseph pettini
    @MayorEmanuel is this as far as you're gonna take this concept? Anyone can swear. Go deeper if you want to keep our interest. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 03:20:40 PM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  202. @strategy_samba First, not "everyone" can swear--fucking Mormons, for one. Second, the motherfucking "unfollow" button is right over there. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 08:13:42 PM via web in reply to josephpettini
  203. Fuck it. I'm fucking sick. I'm fucking tired. It's a fucking "America's Sweethearts" kind of night. Wednesday, October 6, 2010 09:59:54 PM via web
  204. Tick-tock, shit-cocks. Time to wake up. Thursday, October 7, 2010 07:28:54 AM via Seesmic for Android
  205. Dow over 11,000 on the same day I'm going on a listening tour of Penny Pritzker's pocketbook? Eyes on the sky for a twat-rainbow. Trifecta! Thursday, October 7, 2010 08:02:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  206. Penny keeps a money room in her house, and dives into it like she's Scrooge McDuck. We've been swimming in it all morning. Fucking glorious Thursday, October 7, 2010 11:19:38 AM via Seesmic for Android
  207. Nothing like a money-swim to get a guy feeling in cock-shape again. Axelrod, pull your Civic around: I've got some fucking hands to shake Thursday, October 7, 2010 12:11:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  208. Just got cut off on West Madison by a fucking cupcake truck. Eighth one I've seen. The fuck is up with you and cupcakes you fucking fatties? Thursday, October 7, 2010 12:30:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  209. OK West Garfield Park, come get your hand shaken. I promise when elected you'll see me less than you see the inside of a unicorn's vagina. Thursday, October 7, 2010 01:10:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  210. Dinner with Obama at Alexi fundraiser. Fucking Alexi--getting caught chatting with him is like being sucked into a black hole of cocks. Thursday, October 7, 2010 04:05:56 PM via web
  211. If Obama doesn't show soon, I'm out. Have been stuck inside the Gianoullias dong-vortex for a motherfucking hour now. Thursday, October 7, 2010 05:34:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  212. Alexi is "entertaining" the guests by seeing how many dinner rolls he can stuff in his fucking mouth. He's up to seventeen. Thursday, October 7, 2010 05:59:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  213. Jesus Christ-on-a-fuck, that's four hours of my life I'm never going to get back. Alexi is as dumb as the fucking day is fucking long. Thursday, October 7, 2010 07:42:27 PM via web
  214. By the way, the final motherfucking bread-roll count? Thirty-fucking-two. In at once. Mama Regenstein vomited into the salad plate. Thursday, October 7, 2010 07:51:16 PM via web
  215. Junkokajino
    Junko Kajino
    @MayorEmanuel ćƒžćƒ•ć‚£ć‚¢ć‚³ćƒć‚Æć‚·ćƒ§ćƒ³ć®ć‚·ć‚«ć‚“åø‚é•·ļ¼ˆćŠēˆ¶ć•ć‚“ć‚‚åø‚é•·ć§ć‚¢ćƒ«ć‚«ćƒćƒćØē›“通ļ¼‰ä»Šå¹“ć„ć£ć±ć„ć§å¼•é€€ć€ćć®å¾Œć‚’ę¬”ćć®ćŒć“ć®ć²ćØļ¼Ÿć‚Ŗćƒćƒžć®ćƒ–ćƒ¬ćƒ¼ćƒ³ćØčØ€ć‚ć‚Œć‚‹ę”æę²»å®¶ļ¼ Thursday, October 7, 2010 10:17:52 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  216. @Junkokajino 恓悌ćÆå†—č«‡ć®ć‚¢ć‚«ć‚¦ćƒ³ćƒˆć§ć™ Thursday, October 7, 2010 10:21:41 PM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to Junkokajino
  217. fucking cock-sanding shit-branding, I am tired. Thursday, October 7, 2010 10:22:57 PM via web
  218. Good motherfucking morning, motherfuckers Friday, October 8, 2010 07:01:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  219. Strategy session. Axelrod thinks "I want to be like motherfucking Rahm" is a bad campaign slogan. The fuck? It worked for Jordan. Friday, October 8, 2010 08:49:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  220. Axelrod also dismissed Ari's idea of a movie where politicians team up with cartoon characters to fight an intergalactic menace. Fuck fuck. Friday, October 8, 2010 09:09:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  221. Axelrod says no way: "Remember when the Bulls won for the sixth time and it felt like getting fucked on a pile of ponies? Vote Rahm." Friday, October 8, 2010 09:20:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  222. On conference call, Plouffe said, "We need something less polarizing," then faxed over this: https://tinyurl.com/28wlltx motherfuck Friday, October 8, 2010 09:51:12 AM via web
  223. How did you know that listening to you bitch was exactly what I wanted to do on a beautiful fucking Friday? Friday, October 8, 2010 03:47:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  224. Why is it the only fucking places I find you people are riding the El or stuffing your fucking face? Or, worst, both? Friday, October 8, 2010 03:51:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  225. I will tell you this though: stand on a fuckingL platform long enough and you will see every shade of vomit known to man. Vibrant! Friday, October 8, 2010 04:04:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  226. I just became the mayor of Fuck You in the Fucking Face, it's Friday on @foursquare Friday, October 8, 2010 04:13:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  227. Zirinsky
    John Adam Zirinsky
    Most Twitter parody accounts have a short shelf-life but the promising @MayorEmanuel seems to have run out of cleverness quicker than usual. Friday, October 8, 2010 04:17:40 PM via TweetDeck
  228. @Zirinsky a pollster for the GO-fucking,P is going to lecture me about fucking "shelf life"? You've been selling rancid ideas for years. Friday, October 8, 2010 04:28:42 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Zirinsky
  229. Axelrod's on his way over with a bucket of chicken, a growler of Half Acre and his copy of "2012." TGIMFF Friday, October 8, 2010 06:24:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  230. Plouffe just faxed over the itinerary. I've got to hit 13 farmer's markets. Here's a secret: edible greens scare the shit out of me. Fuck. Saturday, October 9, 2010 08:47:35 AM via web
  231. Jesus motherfucking Christ, I hope to never see another Winter Squash in my motherfucking life. Fuck you and your fucking farmers' markets. Saturday, October 9, 2010 05:20:29 PM via web
  232. Also, Chicago, what the fuck is up with all the baby strollers. Did you spend the two goddamn years I was gone just fucking non-stop? Saturday, October 9, 2010 06:11:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  233. ourmaninchicago
    Scott Smith
    @MayorEmanuel Yeah. Jealous? Saturday, October 9, 2010 06:14:32 PM via ƜberTwitter in reply to MayorEmanuel
  234. @ourmaninchicago When you knocked up your old lady, I was running the country. When you're wiping shit, I'll be running the city. Jealous? Saturday, October 9, 2010 07:31:41 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ourmaninchicago
  235. rocketslide
    Ann With No E
    @MayorEmanuel Sir, perhaps you're looking for a campaign writer? https://bit.ly/ccSofu Saturday, October 9, 2010 08:48:11 PM via Tweetie for Mac
  236. @rocketslide you know what I really need? Not a single more motherfucker writing campaign bullshit for me. Saturday, October 9, 2010 11:34:41 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to rocketslide
  237. ramsincanon
    Ramsin Canon
    @MayorEmanuel He'll be wiping shit, but you'll be eating it for all one of your terms asshole. @ourmaninchicago Saturday, October 9, 2010 07:35:27 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  238. @ramsincanon if anyone can tell me about eating shit, I'm sure it's you, douchebag. Saturday, October 9, 2010 11:36:06 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ramsincanon
  239. Christ, in going to have to shake a lot of fucking sweaty hands today, aren't I? First sign of bloody nipples and I'm fucking GONE. Sunday, October 10, 2010 08:47:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  240. I know I'm supposed to say you're all heroic athletes, but I just saw a guy in a chicken suit puke up a Cliff Bar at mile fucking three. Sunday, October 10, 2010 09:15:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  241. snatch-haunting fuck-trailers Sunday, October 10, 2010 04:44:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  242. Congratulations marathon runners! You're 26.2 miles closer to a motherfucking knee replacement! Sunday, October 10, 2010 05:19:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  243. Axelrod's mustache finished the cock-shocking marathon in 5:38. Sunday, October 10, 2010 07:18:18 PM via web
  244. Just looked over Plouffe's itinerary for the week. It is fucktacularly stupid. How long does this goddamn listening tour have to last again? Sunday, October 10, 2010 09:23:28 PM via web
  245. So which godforsaken corner of this motherfucking city an I headed to today in this never-ending dick-slamming tour? Monday, October 11, 2010 08:14:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  246. I refuse to choke down another fucking pepper and egg sandwich. Seriously, how has this entire city not died from a coronary? Monday, October 11, 2010 09:26:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  247. Dick Mell is the king of the pepper and egg. Eats three or four of them every morning. Ends up smelling like a sulfur bath all day. Monday, October 11, 2010 09:33:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  248. Seriously considering having my shaking hand amputated and sending it around the city alone so I can get some actual fucking work done. Monday, October 11, 2010 05:38:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  249. Hey Saugansh, come shake the disembodied hand of Rahm Emanuel tomorrow, while I'm busy not giving a fuck about you somewhere else. Monday, October 11, 2010 05:43:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  250. ryrivard
    Ry Rivard
    @MayorEmanuel Don't you need to sever the wrist, too. A handshake is all in the wrist. Monday, October 11, 2010 05:51:08 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  251. @ryrivard what kind of stupid motherfucker would server their fucking hand below the wrist? What a stupid fucking statement. Christ. Monday, October 11, 2010 05:58:00 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ryrivard
  252. Suck-fucking shit-balloons Monday, October 11, 2010 06:00:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  253. Fucking seriously, doesn't Flores have any "listening" to do? Come on: Carol Mosley Braun doesn't have to "listen" to any motherfuckers? Monday, October 11, 2010 06:02:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  254. Yet here I am fucking "listening" to all you fucking v-holes prattle on and on about fucking potholes and parking meters every fucking day. Monday, October 11, 2010 06:05:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  255. New slogan: "Hey Chicago: Just park in the fucking space and be done with it. Emanuel '11" Monday, October 11, 2010 06:09:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  256. SamAbernethy
    Samantha
    @MayorEmanuel what's a v-hole? Monday, October 11, 2010 06:09:59 PM via Twitter for Android in reply to MayorEmanuel
  257. @SamAbernethy do I need to draw you a fucking diagram? Monday, October 11, 2010 06:11:49 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  258. ChicagoPR
    Ellen DePodesta
    Hey @MayorEmanuel, wasn't the Columbus Day parade today great fun? Monday, October 11, 2010 06:17:20 PM via web
  259. @ChicagoPR I'm trying to pretend like it never fucking happened. Monday, October 11, 2010 06:22:16 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChicagoPR
  260. Scowling my way through the Columbus Day Parade, Ed Burke said I had a case of the Mondays. More like the Can't-Fucking-Stand-You Days Monday, October 11, 2010 08:57:22 PM via web
  261. Scowling through the Columbus Day Parade, Ed Burke said I had a case of the Mondays. More like the Can't-Fucking-Stand-You Days Monday, October 11, 2010 08:59:28 PM via web
  262. Someone fucking needs to fucking bring me a fucking coffee this very fucking second. Tuesday, October 12, 2010 08:12:56 AM via Seesmic for Android
  263. Jesus fucking cock-twats: Biden is in town? Fucking christ, I'll be hiding out in a goddamn undisclosed location for the rest of the day. Tuesday, October 12, 2010 12:59:35 PM via web
  264. Would someone fucking pledge to @WBEZ already so those sad fucking radio-tards will shut the fuck up? Tuesday, October 12, 2010 05:10:32 PM via web
  265. Fuck yes, you chilean miner sons-of-bitches, fuck yes. Tuesday, October 12, 2010 11:00:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  266. New slogan: "Because Chicago is in a deeper fucking hole than the fucking Chilean Miners. Vote Rahm." Wednesday, October 13, 2010 08:49:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  267. I've got Axelrod looking into where to get one of those miner rescue elevators so I can ride one around Ed Burke's lower fucking intestine. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 08:55:23 AM via Seesmic for Android
  268. If you need me today, I'll be at home watching CNN and bawling like a motherfucking baby. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 09:35:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  269. Been on BBM with Plouffe, selling him on my "stuck in a mine" strategy. (1) don't have to shake fucking hands (2) in 90 days you'll love me. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 05:01:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  270. ampersands1
    Quinn
    @MayorEmanuel Plus it's probably harder to swear at people through a tiny hole in the ground. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 05:02:54 PM via Chromed Bird in reply to MayorEmanuel
  271. @ampersands1 yeah, I'm not fucking worried about fucking that. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 05:03:38 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ampersands1
  272. Axelrod just came over and we're both wearing hardhats and only eating food we can cram through a motherfucking 12" hole. This is the life. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 05:41:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  273. You would be amazed just how many different kinds of food you can stuff through a 12" hole. Axelrod got an entire fucking Turkey through. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 07:58:27 PM via web
  274. I find the Chilean Miner rescue incredibly moving. Once this last guy is up, we're going to send 'em all back down, right? Fuck yes. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 08:00:54 PM via web
  275. amanda2581
    Amanda Downing
    @MayorEmanuel I'm a fan of the F word, I even use it quite often, but why do you use it in EVERY tweet? #Justwondering Wednesday, October 13, 2010 08:04:31 PM via ƜberTwitter in reply to MayorEmanuel
  276. @amanda2581 do I come into your kitchen and tell you how to motherfucking cook? Wednesday, October 13, 2010 08:06:07 PM via web in reply to amanda2581
  277. featherchick
     
    Hey @MayorEmanuel, what do you think about Lisa Madigan possibly announcing a run against you? Ready to fight in Madiganistan??? Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:18:02 PM via web
  278. @featherchick wouldn't it make more fucking sense to just say "Madigascar"? Same fucking point, better fucking reference. Also: fuck her. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:24:57 PM via web in reply to featherchick
  279. So everyone's up from the mine? Jesus fucking Christ-twat... now what? Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:25:59 PM via web
  280. ericzieg
    Eric Ziegenhagen
    @MayorEmanuel It's back to the parking meters. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:27:15 PM via web
  281. @ericzieg fuck me and those fucking meters. Just park the fucking car. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:27:45 PM via web in reply to ericzieg
  282. featherchick
     
    @MayorEmanuel Now all of us "miners" Downstate just need to be rescued from the blue hole that is Chicago. How about your own state??? Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:30:29 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  283. @featherchick By all fucking means, enjoy a Chicagoless Illinois. I'm sure that'd work out just fucking wonderfully for you. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:33:22 PM via web in reply to featherchick
  284. I woke up with a hardhat in my hands, looked up at the hole Axelrod and I drilled in the ceiling and just started fucking weeping. Emptiness Thursday, October 14, 2010 07:34:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  285. I know it's not reasonable but, deep fucking down, I bet you too wished they'd continue to pull Chileans up from the ground forever. Thursday, October 14, 2010 07:36:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  286. What has brought this city closer together than feeling motherfucking one with 33 people stuck in the ground of another continent? Nothing. Thursday, October 14, 2010 07:41:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  287. New slogan: "Bring back that first miner feeling. Emanuel for motherfucking mayor." Thursday, October 14, 2010 07:45:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  288. I actually wanted Madigan to run. Have you seen the rest of the shit-tards that have announced? Give me someone fucking competent. Thursday, October 14, 2010 12:42:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  289. Is it too late to get in on the fucking Attorney General race? Come on, Madigan, let's do this! Don't leave me with Hendon and Flores. Thursday, October 14, 2010 03:33:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  290. Unless motherfucking Oprah motherfucking Winfrey enters this race, it's going to be me against a field of dong-tards and shit-eaters. Thursday, October 14, 2010 03:38:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  291. Seriously a debate with these shit-galoids will end with me crushing my cock with the podium, just to feel SOMETHING. Thursday, October 14, 2010 03:43:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  292. chitownpolitics
    Slats Lonigan
    @MayorEmanuel um, Flores pulled out last week Thursday, October 14, 2010 03:47:17 PM via Brizzly in reply to MayorEmanuel
  293. @chitownpolitics I am trying incredibly motherfucking hard not to respond "that's what she said." Thursday, October 14, 2010 03:52:44 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to chitownpolitics
  294. New slogan: "Vote Rahm: because Jesus cock-Christ, look at the other fucking guys." Thursday, October 14, 2010 03:58:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  295. If I'd have known the field was going to end up this fucking limp-dicked, I'd have stayed in Washington through the fucking midterms. Thursday, October 14, 2010 04:10:46 PM via web
  296. Jesus Christ-twat on a fuck-dong Thursday, October 14, 2010 11:14:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  297. Right about now I'm getting that sinking fucking feeling that I was served motherfucking decaf. Friday, October 15, 2010 08:40:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  298. Fucking Friday fucking starts fucking right fucking now. Friday, October 15, 2010 04:02:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  299. So the email started "Dear First Name." That was Plouffe's quick fix to the original: "Dear Motherfucking Twat-tards," Friday, October 15, 2010 05:20:48 PM via web
  300. Dear First Name, Fuck you in your fucking pie-hole, you stupid motherfucking snatch-drip. Yours, Rahm Friday, October 15, 2010 05:27:52 PM via web
  301. Dear First Name, Who's got one and a half middle fingers, six beers, and doesn't give a fuck if I got your name right? This guy. Friday, October 15, 2010 05:34:08 PM via web
  302. Dear First Name, Plouffe assures me that we're going to have an actual fucking communications team in place soon. The intern is a cocktard. Friday, October 15, 2010 05:40:25 PM via web
  303. Holy shit-cocks, I should have stopped at nine beers last night. My fucking head is going to fucking explode at this breakfast meeting. Saturday, October 16, 2010 08:39:00 AM via web
  304. Of course Axelrod waltzes into the meeting like he drank nothing last night. That motherfucker's liver is made of motherfucking Teflon. Saturday, October 16, 2010 11:03:50 AM via web
  305. Fucking shine on, you motherfucking amazing fucking sun Saturday, October 16, 2010 01:05:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  306. Fuck your motherfucking Sunday morning, I'm sleeping until goddamn noon. Sunday, October 17, 2010 08:59:21 AM via Twitter for iPad
  307. Fucking motherfucking fuck-shitting ass-cocked Bears. Sunday, October 17, 2010 02:47:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  308. ChicagoPR
    Ellen DePodesta
    @MayorEmanuel So we, the great voters of Chicago, follow you... why don't you follow us back? Sunday, October 17, 2010 08:45:09 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  309. @ChicagoPR because then I have to listen to all of your bitching and complaining even when I'm not shaking your fucking hand. Sunday, October 17, 2010 08:46:31 PM via web in reply to ChicagoPR
  310. I really did try to listen to that fucking debate. But as soon as Quinn opens his mouth, I feel like a little part of me cock-plucking dies Sunday, October 17, 2010 10:31:29 PM via web
  311. Shit-shaking dong-stompers Monday, October 18, 2010 08:27:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  312. Really, what's a few motherfucking million raised? Don't fucking worry, Dart, I'm sure someone will give you some cash at some point. Monday, October 18, 2010 03:47:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  313. Today was one never-ending fucking strategy session. Workloads doubled when Axelrod's mustache announced it was taking the week off. Monday, October 18, 2010 08:46:48 PM via Seesmic for Android
  314. Seriously, if that motherfucking 'stache is talking to fucking Meeks, I'm going to lose it. Monday, October 18, 2010 08:48:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  315. David says it's just taking a few days to see the fall colors in WI, but really: what fucking mustache takes off two weeks before midterms? Monday, October 18, 2010 08:50:53 PM via Seesmic for Android
  316. Anyway, a week without that mustache just went from a slog to a motherfucking full-fledged shit-wallow. Monday, October 18, 2010 08:54:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  317. I'm going to close my eyes and imagine a coffee pot as big as the motherfucking Sears motherfucking Tower. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 08:00:16 AM via web
  318. mspec
    Matt Spector
    @MayorEmanuel It's the Willis Tower now. Geez, you've been gone for a while, haven't you? Tuesday, October 19, 2010 08:25:45 AM via ƜberTwitter in reply to MayorEmanuel
  319. @mspec I would rather punch myself in the cock six times a day than have to say motherfucking "Willis Tower" Tuesday, October 19, 2010 09:12:47 AM via web in reply to mspec
  320. You want to know my definition of hell? This motherfucking lunch meeting that the fucking communications intern set up with Billy Dec. Fuck. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 12:04:33 PM via web
  321. Jesus fucking christ, apparently it's take-a-lunch-meeting-with-a-raging-douchebag day. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 12:09:22 PM via web
  322. Fuck me. He's wearing his "dressy" baseball hat. Asked Axelrod to circle the block one more time. Considering jumping into traffic. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 12:17:06 PM via web
  323. That was a half-hour I'll never fucking get back. On the upside, the Rumble in the Jungle Turkey Wrap at the Rainforest Cafe--tasty! Tuesday, October 19, 2010 12:43:10 PM via web
  324. Next time I even hear the motherfucking name Billy Dec, I'm slamming my cock in the door of Axelrod's Civic. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 02:41:31 PM via web
  325. Ward_Room
     
    The @Ward_Room editorial staff would sincerely like to RT @mayoremanuel, but NBC standards won't allow it. Godspeed sir. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 05:02:20 PM via TweetDeck
  326. @Ward_Room fuck you in your motherfucking peacock. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 05:55:06 PM via Twitterrific in reply to Ward_Room
  327. Watching Alexi and Kirk debate is like fucking a sackful of dumb. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 07:36:52 PM via Twitterrific
  328. Going around the public schools with Huberman today. That guy smells like motherfucking sadness. Wednesday, October 20, 2010 08:04:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  329. Axelrod tells it's not a word but jesus fucking christ it's going to take a bazillion fucking dollars to save these fucking schools. Wednesday, October 20, 2010 02:36:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  330. dong-clamping shit-cannons Wednesday, October 20, 2010 07:58:08 PM via web
  331. I've asked Axelrod to come over and just pour the coffee straight into my mouth while I'm still lying here. "I'll be right over!" Thursday, October 21, 2010 07:12:10 AM via web
  332. Christ, I'm so fucking tired I forgot to swear in that last tweet: Fucking motherfucking shit cock ass fuck twat. Feeling better already. Thursday, October 21, 2010 07:33:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  333. So Ari is throwing me a fundraiser soon, except he keeps calling it a "fuck-raiser." I don't even know what that fucking means. He scares me Thursday, October 21, 2010 07:40:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  334. But, I'd rather be on a flight to LA than have to tour another pathetic fucking school. Today's might as well be the Oliver Twist Academy. Thursday, October 21, 2010 07:54:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  335. Sufficiently coffeed. Alright, Chicago, I'm going to fuck you in the fucking face today. Thursday, October 21, 2010 08:28:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  336. If Dart's rent-a-cops pull over Axelrod's Civic one more time, I'm going to stuff my fist so far up his ass my stump will tickle his uvula. Thursday, October 21, 2010 03:36:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  337. Axelrod just called me from the impound. Dart's goons hauled his fucking Civic in. Oh, it's motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuck. Thursday, October 21, 2010 05:50:53 PM via web
  338. Sheriff Woody from Toy Story is more of a real lawman than that cocktard Dart. "There's a motherfucking snake in my boot." Thursday, October 21, 2010 06:05:43 PM via web
  339. Axelrod just pulled up in his Civic, gave a beep and I went out. The thing has DART RULES spraypainted across the motherfucking hood. Friday, October 22, 2010 07:24:15 AM via web
  340. I'm going to have to drink ten thousand motherfucking beers to make this day motherfucking better. Friday, October 22, 2010 04:06:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  341. yellowcardigan
    Sara McH. (nƩe B.)
    @MayorEmanuel But aren't you happy that Randy Michaels resigned? Friday, October 22, 2010 04:09:23 PM via Echofon in reply to MayorEmanuel
  342. @yellowcardigan good point. Motherfucking 9,999. Friday, October 22, 2010 04:10:52 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to yellowcardigan
  343. mspec
    Matt Spector
    @MayorEmanuel You bastard, are you coming to Northwestern's homecoming or not? Friday, October 22, 2010 04:31:19 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  344. @mspec what the fucking motherfucking fuck would I do that for? Friday, October 22, 2010 04:33:02 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to mspec
  345. Chicago, it's really fucking easy: put down the fucking mouse, walk out the fucking door, it's fucking Friday. Friday, October 22, 2010 04:34:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  346. jem0622
    Julie E. Miller
    @MayorEmanuel Business never stops. Even on Friday. Friday, October 22, 2010 04:45:08 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  347. @jem0622 you're in the wrong fucking business Friday, October 22, 2010 04:54:18 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jem0622
  348. Axelrod just showed up with a fucking case of toilet paper. We're going to TP the living shit out of Dart's house! Friday, October 22, 2010 06:50:41 PM via Twitterrific
  349. If you think I'm getting out of fucking bed on a rainy Saturday, you're out of your motherfucking cock-holed mind. Saturday, October 23, 2010 12:09:17 PM via web
  350. The fuck is Plouffe sending me to store openings for? What's next, being a motherfucking greeter at the Pullman Wall-Mart? Saturday, October 23, 2010 01:43:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  351. And seriously, there is an entirely different class of douchebag that shows up at an Apple Store opening in Lincoln fucking Park. Saturday, October 23, 2010 01:47:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  352. Who wants a MacBook Air.with a side of asshole? Order fucking up. Saturday, October 23, 2010 01:55:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  353. Fucking Christ, morning at the Apple Store, afternoon at Whole Foods. Suck it out if my asshole, Lincoln Park! Saturday, October 23, 2010 07:16:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  354. quintoCT
    Matt Gianquinto
    @MayorEmanuel I think you meant "of" and not "if" Saturday, October 23, 2010 07:49:03 PM via web
  355. @quintoCT who the fuck died and made you Microsoft fucking Word? Saturday, October 23, 2010 08:25:57 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to quintoCT
  356. Fuck-trampling shit-eclipse Sunday, October 24, 2010 10:47:12 AM via Twitterrific
  357. Hey Chicago, get your hands off your fucking cock and get the fuck outside. It's motherfucking incredible out here. Sunday, October 24, 2010 01:00:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  358. By the way, fuck this fucking team. Sunday, October 24, 2010 01:13:48 PM via Seesmic for Android
  359. I swear to fucking god, Honeycrisp apples are motherfucking twat-licious! Sunday, October 24, 2010 03:17:38 PM via web
  360. Cameos too--you put that shit into your fucking face-hole and you think, "Motherfucker, I am eating a fucking apple." Sunday, October 24, 2010 03:31:33 PM via web
  361. dgordon52
    Doug Gordon
    #Bears were 3-0 before Rahm moved back to Chicago. Since @MayorEmanuel has been back they are 1-3. Coincidence? I think not. #p2 Sunday, October 24, 2010 06:06:49 PM via web
  362. @dgordon52 Nice math, Ein-fucking-stein. How do you explain the last fucking umpteen years? Sunday, October 24, 2010 07:19:04 PM via web in reply to dgordon52
  363. Fuck your fucking Monday morning right in its fucking puckered fucking pink fucking asshole. Monday, October 25, 2010 07:26:36 AM via web
  364. Axelrod's mustache was back today after its week off. Good to have that bushy motherfucker back. Monday, October 25, 2010 06:37:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  365. Batten down the hatches, motherfuckers! Monday, October 25, 2010 08:19:10 PM via web
  366. MichaelSterchak
    Michael Sterchak
    @MayorEmanuel: how is your campaign prepared for this shit-kickin' wind storm heading for Chicago? Monday, October 25, 2010 07:22:34 PM via Twitter for iPhone
  367. @MichaelSterchak The way we deal with everything: Axelrod's digging a motherfucking trench. Monday, October 25, 2010 08:22:42 PM via web in reply to MichaelSterchak
  368. Axelrod's refusing to come up from the basement. Pretty sure that motherfucker's eaten most of the canned peaches. Fuck me. Monday, October 25, 2010 08:28:49 PM via web
  369. Axelrod's calling up from the basement, telling me I shouldn't be up on the roof yelling, "BRING IT ON, YOU WINDY MOTHERFUCKERS." Monday, October 25, 2010 10:34:05 PM via web
  370. COME ON YOU FUCKING WEATHER, IS THIS THE BEST YOU FUCKING GOT? Tuesday, October 26, 2010 07:49:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  371. Now there's motherfucking blue motherfucking skies out there. This goddamn wind storm can fucking blow me. Tuesday, October 26, 2010 10:23:52 AM via web
  372. C-fuck-O-fuck-F-fuck-F-fuck-E-fuck-E Wednesday, October 27, 2010 07:13:21 AM via web
  373. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  374. @Orcaspapa the unfollow button is right over there. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 07:24:45 AM via web in reply to Orcaspapa
  375. So I see that motherfucker Dart got that shit-box I sent him. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:49:24 AM via Seesmic for Android
  376. Hey Chicago, meet the new motherfucking sheriff in town. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:51:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  377. Strategy session: do we just hold the fucking election early? Or do we not fucking bother at all? Seems like a fucking formality now. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:54:34 AM via Seesmic for Android
  378. Axelrod's telling me I need to do more at this news conference than let them film my motherfucking victory lap. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 12:47:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  379. Blago4Mayor
    Blago 4 Mayor
    @quintoCT Oh I'm following you, all right! I'm following you straight to @MayorEmanuel, and then it's on! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Wednesday, October 27, 2010 04:45:13 PM via web in reply to quintoCT
  380. @Blago4Mayor fuck off, you stupid fucking fake account. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 05:16:09 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Blago4Mayor
  381. Dear Chicago, I'm sorry that 21 years of Daley gave you a field of fucking pussies. And me. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 06:18:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  382. But really, when I look at this fucking pathetic field and the most credible candidate casts dicks in cement, I mostly feel sorry for you. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 06:31:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  383. stringbot
    Josh Davison
    @MayorEmanuel I'm SO voting Plastercaster, assmunch. WE GOT US A HORSERACE Wednesday, October 27, 2010 06:33:29 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  384. @stringbot have fun with that, you stupid fucking cocktard. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 06:35:06 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to stringbot
  385. New slogan: "I mostly feel sorry for you, you pathetic fucking shit-tards. Emanuel '11" Wednesday, October 27, 2010 06:41:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  386. When I finish this cup of coffee, I'm going to dump the filter and fuck the grinds. Thursday, October 28, 2010 07:04:17 AM via web
  387. 13 voicemails from Hendon yesterday reminding me that he was a "real"candidate. No you're not, Rickey. No you're fucking not. Thursday, October 28, 2010 07:53:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  388. New slogan: "Your other choice is Rickey fucking Hendon. Emanuel '11" Thursday, October 28, 2010 08:08:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  389. Fucking fuck-stained fuck-trombones. Thursday, October 28, 2010 08:03:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  390. Axelrod just came over with a fuck-it bucket of chicken. This night just got a whole motherfucking lot better. Thursday, October 28, 2010 08:53:00 PM via web
  391. Holy jesus fucking christ-hole, I have a massive chicken hangover. Friday, October 29, 2010 08:36:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  392. Shit-fucking fuck-shitters, it's motherfucking cold out here! Friday, October 29, 2010 09:07:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  393. Fuck you, you fucking motherfuckers, it's finally motherfucking Friday. Friday, October 29, 2010 04:39:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  394. Supposed to go to a halloween party at Carl the intern's apartment tonight. Word is Schiller's wearing a "sexy can of fruit" outfit. Fuck. Friday, October 29, 2010 04:58:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  395. Also, fucking Flores is supposed to be there. Assuming he's going dressed as a ten-year-old girl because that's what he looks like anyway. Friday, October 29, 2010 05:07:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  396. Jody Weis is supposed to be there too. That stupid motherfucker always comes to this shit in his uniform--"I'm going as a hero." Fuck off. Friday, October 29, 2010 05:17:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  397. Me, I'm going as Mr. Schuester from Glee. I love that motherfucking show so fucking much it fucking scares me sometimes. Friday, October 29, 2010 05:40:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  398. I would try to sum up my night, but I'll just leave it at "Who wants to open up this can of fruit?" Holy shit-fucking-christ-fuck. Saturday, October 30, 2010 08:31:14 AM via web
  399. jeremyschultz
    Jeremy Schultz
    @MayorEmanuel You were funnier before f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck Saturday, October 30, 2010 11:23:44 AM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to MayorEmanuel
  400. @jeremyschultz (1) when the fuck was that? (2) the unfollow button's right over there. Saturday, October 30, 2010 11:35:05 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jeremyschultz
  401. The scariest part of Halloween this year is the realization that I'm going to be voting for motherfucking Alexi in three days. BOO! Saturday, October 30, 2010 11:58:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  402. Just bought a little fake blood sprayer I can attach to my finger stump. These fucking trick or treat kids will shit their diapers. Sunday, October 31, 2010 09:34:34 AM via Twitter for iPad
  403. Guy came to my door in the most fucking amazing Zombie Pat Quinn outfit. Then I realized it was actually just sad-shitting Quinn himself. Sunday, October 31, 2010 02:24:59 PM via Twitter for iPad
  404. Holy fuck, I've eaten so much candy corn that I think I can see through motherfucking time! Sunday, October 31, 2010 06:09:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  405. Caught in a fucking candy-corn haze. Jean Baptiste Point du Sable and Papa Bear Hallas are dancing. Axelrod's mustache sings like an angel. Sunday, October 31, 2010 08:51:02 PM via web
  406. John Belushi and Harold Washington are swimming in the river. Their bodies bleed together in the dark murk of the water. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Sunday, October 31, 2010 09:04:20 PM via web
  407. I look out the window and the Hancock and the Sears reach out and kiss each other tenderly. My fucking tears taste like celery salt. Sunday, October 31, 2010 09:15:12 PM via web
  408. The stars are red and the sky is striped with blue. I baptize myself in the lake's frigid waters. I AM REFUCKINGBORN. Sunday, October 31, 2010 10:32:40 PM via web
  409. Where the fuck am I? What the fuck happened last night? And why the fuck am I wearing nothing but Payton's retired jersey? Monday, November 1, 2010 08:00:45 AM via Twitter for iPad
  410. I'm on a roof. All I see up here with me is the head of Benny the Bull and about 700 motherfucking Brady for Gov yard signs. Uh... help? Monday, November 1, 2010 08:35:24 AM via Seesmic for Android
  411. OK, I'm on the roof if the museum of science and industry. Axelrod's got a ladder set up. Fucking christ, I've gotta lay off the sugar. Monday, November 1, 2010 09:00:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  412. I would rather wet my ballsack and stick it to a frozen fucking flagpole than vote for Quinn and Alexi tomorrow. But I am anyway. Monday, November 1, 2010 06:41:18 PM via Seesmic for Android
  413. I know that's not a ringing fucking endorsement, but seriously: they're both as dumb as a sack of cocks. But the other guys are dumber. Monday, November 1, 2010 06:55:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  414. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  415. @Calamity_Meg Fucking vote or fucking shut your shit-hole. Monday, November 1, 2010 06:59:08 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Calamity_Meg
  416. Claypool actually seems like a smart motherfucker. Or maybe it's just that Berrios makes me vomit into my fucking mouth whenever I see him. Monday, November 1, 2010 10:36:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  417. Just voted. Yep, that felt just as shitty as I thought it would. Ah, motherfucking democracy. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 07:23:33 AM via web
  418. Alexi just called to thank me, except it came out sounding like "Tankoo f'ya vode." I get dumber every time I talk with that motherfucker. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 11:40:52 AM via web
  419. duey23
    Brian LoCicero
    Hey @MayorEmanuel, what say you to this? RT @NBCChicago: Voters Say 'Hell No' to Emanuel's Petitioners https://bit.ly/bXMB3B Tuesday, November 2, 2010 04:11:50 PM via web
  420. @duey23 I say have fun with Mayor motherfucking Hendon then. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 04:42:05 PM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to duey23
  421. Axelrod and I are debating whether it makes more sense to get drunk now or wait until West Coast polls close. Fuck it. Now. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 05:59:51 PM via web
  422. I present to you the new motherfucking Congressperson from Kentucky, Rand Paul. And people wondered why I got out when I did. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 06:07:31 PM via web
  423. Holy motherfucking Jesus fucking Christ, we do not have anywhere near enough alcohol to get us through this fucking night. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 06:10:08 PM via web
  424. You know, it's really not that the Republicans are going to win tonight, it's that the ones that will are all motherfucking crazy. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 06:25:07 PM via web
  425. beardofprey
    Chet Farley
    .@MayorEmanuel whoops, he's a motherfucking senator. Watch your head, his supporters wear boots! Tuesday, November 2, 2010 06:25:33 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  426. @chetFarley jesus-fuck I need to drink more before I can process that sentence. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 06:31:30 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to beardofprey
  427. Axelrod is insisting that Paul is a Senator, not a congressperson. I'm insisting that her pour me another dozen drinks before I accept it. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 06:34:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  428. You know shit is bad when your highlight reel has to include a guy who won against a motherfucking anti-masturbation ass-crazy witch. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 07:21:27 PM via Tweetie for Mac
  429. The New Democratic Party: We can beat the shit out of wrestlers and witches. Regular old nutjobs? Not so fucking much. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 07:36:48 PM via Tweetie for Mac
  430. Wins in Connecticut, Delaware, and West Virginia. Someone want to chalk one up in a motherfucking state that motherfucking counts? Tuesday, November 2, 2010 07:55:57 PM via web
  431. Fax from Plouffe is coming in now. It just reads "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..." I'm assuming a C-K will come in eventually. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 08:03:00 PM via web
  432. Axelrod just went out to get more beer and about 75 fuck-it buckets of chicken. This night calls for a good old-fashioned deep-fry wallow. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 08:22:09 PM via web
  433. That Rand Paul speech almost made me choke on my own motherfucking vomit. Six years of that asshole. Six fucking years. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 08:25:45 PM via web
  434. ourmaninchicago
    Scott Smith
    And Berrios! Jesus. I am about to challenge @MayorEmanuel to a scotch speed-drinking contest. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 08:41:57 PM via TweetDeck
  435. @ourmaninchicago get in fucking line. Currently in a drinking contest with the whole motherfucking world, apparently. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 08:44:07 PM via web in reply to ourmaninchicago
  436. Contemplating snapping my cock in a mousetrap. Has to be better than the rest of these fucking results. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 08:47:32 PM via web
  437. Yep, it was. Might need a motherfucking band-aid though. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 08:54:31 PM via web
  438. How is it that motherfucking Colorado is emerging as the most sane fucking state in the union? Tuesday, November 2, 2010 09:28:08 PM via web
  439. penwhen
    Lou
    @MayorEmanuel If you want to direct your ire, I'd go for the Greens. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 09:34:49 PM via web
  440. @penwhen Go after a party that doesn't even fucking matter, while my own party just wallows in their own mediocrity? Dumb fucking advice. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 09:37:58 PM via web in reply to penwhen
  441. I know it's great if Alexi wins, but seriously: We'll all have to stare at his dumb fucking face for the next six years. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 09:39:27 PM via web
  442. Making a call to Feingold, trying to get that asshole over here to drink with me and Axelrod. What the fuck else does he have to do now? Tuesday, November 2, 2010 09:40:34 PM via web
  443. WentRogue
    Stacey Burns
    How many people is @MayorEmanuel following? Fucking ZERO, that's how many. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 09:47:08 PM via TweetDeck
  444. @WentRogue why the fuck would I want to follow any of you fucking cock-stomps? Tuesday, November 2, 2010 09:50:22 PM via web in reply to WentRogue
  445. Seriously Russ, it shouldn't have been motherfucking you. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 09:54:52 PM via web
  446. Jesus fucking christ, I can't fucking take it. Axelrod switched over to re-runs of Night Court, and I'm not changing it back. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 10:02:29 PM via web
  447. Just interrupted Night Court to say the Dems will lose the House. Hope the next interruption is to tell me that the night is fucking dark. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 10:20:11 PM via web
  448. If that crazy fucking motherfucking fucking Sharron fucking Angle fucking wins, I'm fucking done with motherfucking democracy. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 10:27:40 PM via web
  449. Hey Meg Whitman, you can buy anything, but you can't buy motherfucking backbone. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 10:42:44 PM via web
  450. Feingold just got here. That motherfucker is seriously a bad place. But things are looking up: "Hey, is that Night Court? Awesome." Tuesday, November 2, 2010 10:57:46 PM via web
  451. You know, I'd feel a lot better about the Democrats retaining the goddamn Senate if they'd all pull their fucking fists out of their asses. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 11:03:58 PM via web
  452. I'm just going to say it right now: The Boehner/boner jokes are too fucking easy. Motherfucking amateur motherfucking hour. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 11:14:53 PM via web
  453. Shit motherfucking fuck shitting shit fuckers. Fucking shitbagging tea shitters. Fuck fucking fuck motherfuck. Shit shitting shittingshit Tuesday, November 2, 2010 11:21:11 PM via web
  454. Alexi was a dumb fucking sack of shit. But he was OUR dumb fucking sack of shit. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 11:28:39 PM via web
  455. So it comes down to hoping that Harry fucking Reid pull off Nevada? Is there a Chicago on some tropical fucking island I can be mayor of? Tuesday, November 2, 2010 11:47:26 PM via web
  456. Congratulations on the win Harry, you colossally boring, old fucking man. Tuesday, November 2, 2010 11:56:54 PM via web
  457. Feingold passed out. I tucked his jacket around him and am letting the sad motherfucker sleep. Dream the dreams of the righteous, Russ. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 12:10:04 AM via web
  458. Me? I'm up all night. This Night Court thing turned out to be a motherfucking MARATHON. Oh Bull, you gentle fucking giant, hold us all. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 12:16:28 AM via web
  459. Holy fucking shit-bags. Can we get a motherfucking do-over on yesterday? Wednesday, November 3, 2010 07:33:09 AM via web
  460. Carl the intern has just been sent on the mother of all coffee runs. There's going to be a world fucking shortage when he's done. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 08:30:59 AM via Seesmic for Android
  461. Feingold just woke up. Not entirely clear he remembers what happened last night. I'm certainly not going to fucking tell him. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 01:33:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  462. jlfmama
    Jen Levine-Fried
    @MayorEmanuel Have you considered chocolate? Wednesday, November 3, 2010 09:18:47 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  463. @jlfmama did you really just fucking ask me if I've considered chocolate? I'm a grown fucking man. I 'consider' chocolate all the time. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 09:26:06 PM via web in reply to jlfmama
  464. You know what's fucking awesome? The fact that I'm not in motherfucking Washington anymore. Jesus fucking christ. Have fun, assholes. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 09:28:19 PM via web
  465. jlfmama
    Jen Levine-Fried
    @MayorEmanuel Sen. Feingold might appreciate it. You know...to give him the warm fuzzies, like in Harry Potter? Wednesday, November 3, 2010 09:28:45 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  466. @jlfmama Harry Potter? Jesus fucking christ. Stick this on your broom and fucking ride it. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 09:33:24 PM via web in reply to jlfmama
  467. samhusseini
    Sam Husseini
    @MayorEmanuel yes. That last one - not in wash - got emanuels post election position right. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 09:57:15 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  468. @samhusseini What the fuck, are you fact-checking this bullshit? Get PolitiFact on the horn--some fucking fake account said something! Wednesday, November 3, 2010 10:00:57 PM via web in reply to samhusseini
  469. Axelrod cleared all the newspapers, so Feingold still doesn't know. Current plan is to convince him he's fucking stuck, Groundhog Day style. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 10:12:49 PM via web
  470. @Cals400 Last I checked, Chicago was about 2,000 miles away from San Francisco. Outta my jurisdiction, thank fucking god. Wednesday, November 3, 2010 10:16:00 PM via web
  471. Filled the bathtub with coffee. About to dunk my motherfucking head in it. Thursday, November 4, 2010 07:36:42 AM via Seesmic for Android
  472. Downside to this Groundhog Day plan with Feingold: Axelrod's sweater really fucking smells on day three. Thursday, November 4, 2010 08:13:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  473. Shit--who knew Russ knew how to use a computer? Now he's fucking bawling again. Thursday, November 4, 2010 10:27:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  474. Off to the airport to head to LA for Ari's fundraiser. I know he's my brother, but he fucking terrifies me. Thursday, November 4, 2010 10:28:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  475. Ari met me at LAX wearing nothing but a chinchilla coat. "Are you ready for this?" he asked, grinning. No I'm fucking not. Thursday, November 4, 2010 05:01:38 PM via web
  476. ryrivard
    Ry Rivard
    @MayorEmanuel He was wearing fur in L.A.? It's 97 degrees. What is a matter with him? Thursday, November 4, 2010 05:11:01 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  477. @ryrivard don't get me motherfucking started. Thursday, November 4, 2010 05:16:08 PM via web in reply to ryrivard
  478. Ari drives his Telsa about five miles an hour. And whistles at every women we pass. My back fucking hurts from slumping in my seat. Thursday, November 4, 2010 05:26:14 PM via web
  479. maxellithorpe
    Max Ellithorpe
    @MayorEmanuel why so few updates today? :( Thursday, November 4, 2010 06:49:29 PM via web
  480. @maxellithorpe uh, flying in a motherfucking airplane from motherfucking ORD to LAX will do that to you. Thursday, November 4, 2010 07:40:41 PM via web in reply to maxellithorpe
  481. "Oh, it's motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuckers!" That's Ari, shouting from the balcony, before jumping into the pool below. Thursday, November 4, 2010 07:42:54 PM via web
  482. maxellithorpe
    Max Ellithorpe
    @MayorEmanuel oh yeah? nothing about oprah? nothing about the new fleece blanket they gave you onboard? did you tell it like it was? Thursday, November 4, 2010 07:41:47 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  483. @maxellithorpe I get on an airplane and you know what I do? I motherfucking fall asleep. Takes a fucking flight attended to wake me up. Thursday, November 4, 2010 07:43:51 PM via web in reply to maxellithorpe
  484. David Geffen keeps egging him on. Geffen, by the way, travels with a pack of tiny fucking dogs. There are like 40 of them here. Thursday, November 4, 2010 07:45:05 PM via web
  485. Ari has a midget walking around with a bowl strapped to his head for people to put money in. "He's your donation munchkin!!" Fuck. Thursday, November 4, 2010 07:50:55 PM via web
  486. When the midget walked in, I said "Ari, no." And he said, "Look, you fucking piece of shit, at least it's not a coke mirror on his head." Thursday, November 4, 2010 07:54:31 PM via web
  487. Kid Rock just showed up. I feel giddy like a motherfucking schoolgirl. Thursday, November 4, 2010 08:05:33 PM via web
  488. Bob Iger just showed up just wearing a little leather pouch over his cock. Ari says that's how he's always dressed when he's not at Disney. Thursday, November 4, 2010 08:30:20 PM via web
  489. You know who's fucking classy? Meryl motherfucking Streep. She didn't show, but she sent a really nice card. And $10k. Thursday, November 4, 2010 08:46:25 PM via web
  490. Kid Rock and Geffen got into a fistfight. Crashed through the french doors, off the balcony and into the pool. His dogs are jumping in too. Thursday, November 4, 2010 08:53:49 PM via web
  491. Seriously there are like 70 fucking tiny dogs freaking the fuck out in the pool. Donation munchkin is trying to fish them out. There he goes Thursday, November 4, 2010 08:57:09 PM via web
  492. So now my fucking money is floating in the pool, while a midget, 80 tiny dogs, David fucking Geffen and Kid Rock splash around. Thursday, November 4, 2010 09:00:24 PM via web
  493. Jesus fucking christ this is a fucking disaster. I should have just stayed shaking hands at your motherfucking L station. Thursday, November 4, 2010 09:11:31 PM via web
  494. Iger seems to have "lost" his cock-pouch. Just fucking perfect. Thursday, November 4, 2010 09:14:58 PM via web
  495. You know who's awesome? Geffen's boyfriend. Walked over, handed me a beer, and said, "Welcome to motherfucking LA. Get out while you can." Thursday, November 4, 2010 09:53:27 PM via web
  496. "Wake the fuck up, you stupid fucking shitbag." Yeah, good morning to you too, Ari. I can not wait to catch the plane home. Friday, November 5, 2010 08:34:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  497. Kid Rock is passed out on a lawn chair and they're still pulling Geffen's dogs out of the pool filter. But I made 500k. Good fucking haul. Friday, November 5, 2010 08:40:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  498. Three things LA has that Chicago doesn't: 1) warmth 2) a shit-ton of rich assholes willing to give me money 3) taco trucks. Friday, November 5, 2010 09:00:42 AM via Seesmic for Android
  499. One thing Chicago has that LA doesn't: a fucking soul. Let's head motherfucking home. Friday, November 5, 2010 09:05:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  500. MPH777
    Michael Harty
    @MayorEmanuel I have to know where that picture possibly came from?? Friday, November 5, 2010 09:29:18 AM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  501. @MPH777 from a motherfucking camera Friday, November 5, 2010 09:39:27 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to MPH777
  502. When I beat you, I'm not sitting down to dinner with you afterwards. I'm not having a fucking beer. When I beat you, you stay fucking beat. Friday, November 5, 2010 04:24:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  503. Fuck you, Chicago, it's motherfucking Friday motherfucking night. Time to go the fuck home. Friday, November 5, 2010 05:59:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  504. Whoever called this motherfucking Saturday morning meeting is a motherfucking dead man. Saturday, November 6, 2010 08:26:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  505. redheadedgirl
    Redheadedgirl
    Who's fucking hangover did I get? @MayorEmanuel, is this yours? Can you fucking take it back, please? Saturday, November 6, 2010 01:41:16 PM via TweetDeck
  506. @redheadedgirl motherfucking finders motherfucking keepers Saturday, November 6, 2010 01:43:01 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to redheadedgirl
  507. Fuck you, Daylight Savings Time, fuck you right in your stupid fucking sun orbit. Sunday, November 7, 2010 08:01:52 AM via web
  508. You know what's cute? That Chico thinks he has a fucking chance. Awwwww. Sunday, November 7, 2010 09:23:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  509. I'd be more excited about this bears win if the experience of watching them didn't feel like stuffing a Q- tip up my fucking urethra. Sunday, November 7, 2010 03:16:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  510. Fucking motherfucking fuck-loving coffee. Monday, November 8, 2010 07:29:23 AM via Twitter for iPad
  511. Today's strategy session: Do we actually pretend that Davis and Chico matter, or do we just not give a fuck? Monday, November 8, 2010 09:21:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  512. billthebutcher2
    Bill Wetzel
    @mayoremanuel You're awesome. I'd like to interview you for a column. You crack me up. If interested email me: billthebutcher2@hotmail.com Monday, November 8, 2010 09:24:44 AM via web
  513. @billthebutcher2 like I'm going to do press for your two-bit motherfucking blog. Monday, November 8, 2010 09:31:11 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to billthebutcher2
  514. Fuck you, winter! It's motherfucking incredible outside! Monday, November 8, 2010 12:47:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  515. I know I'm supposed to be shaking hands at some fucking factory, but fuck it: Me and Axelrod are heading to the Oak Street Beach. You in? Tuesday, November 9, 2010 09:56:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  516. In a few weeks, you're going to be cock-deep in snow. Fuck your job and come to the motherfucking beach, you assholes. Tuesday, November 9, 2010 10:08:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  517. Axelrod in a Speedo is a motherfucking magnificent sight. Tuesday, November 9, 2010 10:23:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  518. gwmusic
    Gordon Wright
    @immerito Agreed. Maintain resolve. Don't be weakened by the enticements of @MayorEmanuel and his ilk. Tuesday, November 9, 2010 10:27:15 AM via HootSuite in reply to Immerito
  519. @gwmusic @immerito Get off your fucking fat asses and hit the motherfucking beach. The fucking winter will fuck you either way. Tuesday, November 9, 2010 10:38:54 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to gwmusic
  520. Standing knee-deep in this fucking water, feeling the sun in my face. If someone hands me a taco al pastor, I'd be happy to fucking die here Tuesday, November 9, 2010 10:49:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  521. If this weather holds up, I'll use my political capital in DC to change November to Nofuckingvember! With the fucking exclamation point. Tuesday, November 9, 2010 11:27:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  522. Kites, people. Look at this fucking weather. Today it's motherfucking kites. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:43:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  523. Seriously, Axelrod and I are heading to Montrose fucking Harbor. I'll be flying the giant fucking pirate ship. Axelrod's got Hello Kitty. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:50:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  524. ElectraQ101
    Electra
    @MayorEmanuel My man and I ate a fuck-it bucket of chicken last night. You are an inspiration to us all. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:44:10 AM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  525. @ElectraQ101 I do what I motherfucking can. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:51:30 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ElectraQ101
  526. When Axelrod pulled up in his Civic, he was still in his fucking Speedo. "It just feels right." Fuck yes. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 09:08:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  527. I just want to bend this weather over and fuck it until it hurts. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 12:31:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  528. And you know what? You do to. NOFUCKINGVEMBER! Wednesday, November 10, 2010 12:36:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  529. Text from Plouffe: "Vacation's over, ass-wipes. Back to work tomorrow." Axelrod just mooned my phone. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 02:26:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  530. HuffPostChicago
    HuffPost Chicago
    @mayoremanuel Any choice words for your tenant / possible mayoral challenger? https://huff.to/bQnI6H Wednesday, November 10, 2010 02:09:45 PM via web
  531. @HuffPostChicago no motherfucking comment. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 02:36:28 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to HuffPostChicago
  532. @HuffPostChicago actually, I do have a fucking comment: it's a non-fucking story. A fucking publicity stunt by marginalized ward assholes. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 02:50:43 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to HuffPostChicago
  533. SamAbernethy
    Samantha
    @mayoremanuel Gee, how nice of you to finally tell us why you're here. I couldn't stand the suspense any longer. https://bit.ly/dw2fHZ Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:02:22 PM via web
  534. @SamAbernethy I said that we didn't need to fucking worry about it, but Plouffe insisted. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:09:53 PM via web in reply to SamAbernethy
  535. SamAbernethy
    Samantha
    @MayorEmanuel Yeah, well I had fucking plans on Saturday and now you're fucking ruining them. So tell Plouffe to shove it up his v-hole. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:18:10 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  536. @SamAbernethy I am so fucking far ahead of you on that one it's not even motherfucking funny. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:19:01 PM via web in reply to SamAbernethy
  537. As punishment for taking the last two days off, Plouffe just faxed over a press release: I'm announcing on a fucking Saturday. Fuck me. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:25:19 PM via web
  538. I faxed him back a picture of my cock. Fuck this motherfucking Saturday bullshit. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 08:57:52 PM via web
  539. DanLambert22
    Dan Lambert
    @MayorEmanuel I saw you coming out of @RockitChicago a few weeks ago. Are you and Billy Dec BFFs now? Wednesday, November 10, 2010 09:14:41 PM via web
  540. @DanLambert22 sometimes you send a shitbox via the post office, and sometimes you deliver them in person. It was a motherfucking special one Wednesday, November 10, 2010 09:17:38 PM via web in reply to DanLambert22
  541. Motherfucking cock-bowling shit-cleaners. Where is that fuck-crying qqcoffee? Thursday, November 11, 2010 07:41:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  542. Fuck, I'm so fucking tired that I can't even motherfucking typ. Thursday, November 11, 2010 07:43:55 AM via Seesmic for Android
  543. You know what's wrong with motherfucking John Kass besides fucking everything? That he actually thinks that "Rahmfather" shit is clever. Thursday, November 11, 2010 07:55:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  544. Seriously, that guy needs to shut his talentless fucking trap before he wakes up one morning to find his hairplugs stuffed up his piss hole Thursday, November 11, 2010 07:57:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  545. Plouffe faxed the schedule. I'm heading to some Internet company today. Like we're going to save the fucking economy with 50% off spa days. Thursday, November 11, 2010 08:08:27 AM via Seesmic for Android
  546. EllenMalloy
    Ellen Malloy
    @MayorEmanuel Fake Rahm, you owe me a new keyboard for this morning's tweet. Please ensure it is in the city budget upon your coronation. Thursday, November 11, 2010 08:15:16 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  547. @EllenMalloy fuck you and your fucking keyboard Thursday, November 11, 2010 08:18:27 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to EllenMalloy
  548. Been on this Groupon tour for 20 minutes wondering why the fuck a 12-year-old is leading it. Turns out he's their CEO. Thursday, November 11, 2010 11:41:52 AM via Seesmic for Android
  549. Apparently we're saving the fucking city by thwarting child labor laws. I swear there's nobody in this building above the age of 13. Thursday, November 11, 2010 11:46:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  550. Seriously, can someone offer these guys 50% off employees that can grow fucking pubic hair? Thursday, November 11, 2010 11:51:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  551. Axelrod has been playing foosball while I've been dragged on this motherfucking tour. How many computers do I have to stand and look at? Thursday, November 11, 2010 12:01:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  552. That said, I've gotten 50% off so many motherfucking manicures that my cuticles are going to motherfucking blind you. Thursday, November 11, 2010 12:11:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  553. Hey Chico and Davis, I got you a Fuckyoupon: 50% off getting out of this race with your dick still stitched on. Thursday, November 11, 2010 12:18:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  554. Fax from Plouffe: Alexi's considering making a run for mayor. That's what we need: more motherfucking losers in this race. Thursday, November 11, 2010 07:41:15 PM via web
  555. I swear to fucking god, Alexi enters the race and I will break my dick off and fuck him in his motherfucking exposed pores. Thursday, November 11, 2010 07:42:07 PM via web
  556. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  557. @GrapesofLife Like there is any fucking chance of that in this universe or any fucking other. Thursday, November 11, 2010 07:42:50 PM via web in reply to MendezMusings
  558. I would rather debate my own fucking ballsack than have to stand at a podium across from Alexi and listen to his dumb fucking mouth. Thursday, November 11, 2010 07:47:08 PM via web
  559. Hey Alexi, I picked up a Fuckyoupon for you too: 75% off your worst motherfucking nightmare. Thursday, November 11, 2010 07:51:06 PM via web
  560. cieslak
    chris cieslak
    @MayorEmanuel I've had that debate and it's way tougher than you might think. Thursday, November 11, 2010 08:00:04 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  561. @cieslak I'm not suggesting it because it's motherfucking EASY you fucking twat-cram. Thursday, November 11, 2010 08:01:26 PM via web in reply to cieslak
  562. Seriously, the thought of Alexi motherfucking Giannoulias entering this goddamn race makes me feel like my fucking brain is on fire. Thursday, November 11, 2010 08:02:14 PM via web
  563. I motherfucking need some motherfucking coffee poured down my motherfucking gullet right motherfucking now. Friday, November 12, 2010 07:43:25 AM via web
  564. Strategy session for tomorrow: Axelrod says, "Why the fuck do you think I'm here, you fucking shitbags." Is "too strong" of an opener. Friday, November 12, 2010 08:10:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  565. Plouffe's on speaker. Says I should look " fresh faced." If that asshole ever comes to Chicago, I'm going to stick my ballsack in his eye. Friday, November 12, 2010 08:15:36 AM via Seesmic for Android
  566. Axelrod also says no to, "I'm not here because I like you fucking twat-warts, I'm here to be your mayor." Friday, November 12, 2010 08:30:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  567. Touring some fucking T- shirt company today. T-shirts and coupons? This city is so fucking motherfucking fucked. Friday, November 12, 2010 10:13:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  568. Seriously, this city used to build things. Now we're just assholes with novelty t-shirts. I'm with motherfucking stupid. Friday, November 12, 2010 10:34:36 AM via Seesmic for Android
  569. Axelrod's excited though: "I want the one of the cookie drinking a glass of milk." Friday, November 12, 2010 10:42:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  570. juggernautco
    Daniel X. O'Neil
    Hey @MayorEmanuel I'll give you a dollar if you follow me on Twitter. Friday, November 12, 2010 10:48:10 AM via TweetDeck
  571. @juggernautco why the fuck would I fucking follow any of you assholes? Friday, November 12, 2010 10:52:25 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to juggernautco
  572. For the next hour I'm going to be staring blankly at T-shirts pretending like I give a fuck. Friday, November 12, 2010 10:54:12 AM via Seesmic for Android
  573. Yeah, it really is just a giant fucking pile of T-shirts. Axelrod is wearing about half of them at this point. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:22:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  574. Axelrod: "Do you have any shirts with wolves on them?" That fucking guy is obsessed with wolves. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:32:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  575. juggernautco
    Daniel X. O'Neil
    @MayorEmanuel um, so you can get a dollar? Friday, November 12, 2010 11:30:38 AM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  576. @juggernautco Penny Pritzker calls me regularly. I don't need your fucking dollar. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:33:12 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to juggernautco
  577. aliasvaughn
    Ale
    @MayorEmanuel don't complain.. he could be obsessed with Twilight instead. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:33:13 AM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  578. @aliasvaughn don't even get me motherfucking started. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:35:11 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to aliasvaughn
  579. Can't pull Axelrod away from this fucking ping-pong table. Maybe I need to leave a trail of T-shirts leading out the door, breadcrumb style. Friday, November 12, 2010 12:05:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  580. I see Alexi got that Fuckyoupon I sent over. Mason was right: the real profit is when they don't redeem them. Friday, November 12, 2010 01:58:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  581. SamAbernethy
    Samantha
    Whoa, @mayoremanuel is 50. I didn't think he was that old. He must sleep in a tupperware container to stay fresh. Friday, November 12, 2010 01:22:41 PM via web
  582. @SamAbernethy seething hate does wonders for the skin. Friday, November 12, 2010 01:59:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  583. Finally got Axelrod away from the ping-pong. Never need to look at another motherfucking T-shirt again. Friday, November 12, 2010 04:06:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  584. Action Items: (1) fucking (2) finally (3) it's fucking (4) motherfucking (5) Friday (6) fucking (7) night Friday, November 12, 2010 04:32:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  585. Jesus motherfucking Christ, this goddamn Saturday morning announcement is going to motherfucking kill me. COFFEE. Saturday, November 13, 2010 09:21:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  586. The only thing that's going to get me through this is knowing that when I shake your hand, mine is covered in cock sweat. Saturday, November 13, 2010 09:44:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  587. We were supposed to do this at 10, but its going to take a motherfucking hour to navigate through all these fucking baby strollers. Go home Saturday, November 13, 2010 09:58:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  588. Thank fucking god: Axelrod slipped me a couple fucking shots just now. Here goes motherfucking nothing. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:06:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  589. Speech preview: I've spent these last weeks listening to your problems. And gone home every fucking night and poured bleach in my ears. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:12:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  590. Who the fuck are these people talking right now? Am I at the wrong fucking event? Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:17:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  591. My god, it's like I'm at a convention of the saddest fucking people in Chicago. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:19:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  592. Speech preview: Despite all of you, I still want to be the motherfucking mayor. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:23:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  593. Christ- sucking cock-holes, that was 45 minutes I will never, fucking ever, get back. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:46:12 AM via Seesmic for Android
  594. And now I have to stand around kissing all of your fucking asses while the weather turns from shitty to motherfucking miserable. Fuck this. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:47:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  595. scarpetablog
    Sharna Marcus
    @MayorEmanuel why are so many aldermen opposed to you being mayor? Saturday, November 13, 2010 12:14:37 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  596. @scarpetablog because they're all fucking assholes? Saturday, November 13, 2010 01:29:20 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to scarpetablog
  597. Axelrod and I are heading over for a celebratory meal at Superdawg. I am going to eat the living shit out of a motherfucking Whoopskidawg. Saturday, November 13, 2010 06:58:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  598. Sleeping motherfucking in today. No more listening tour for you assholes means more sleep for me. Fuck yes. Sunday, November 14, 2010 10:49:50 AM via web
  599. Picked up a Fuckyoupon for Meeks this weekend: 50% off nobody gives a fuck. Monday, November 15, 2010 08:30:34 AM via Seesmic for Android
  600. Axelrod's Civic broke an axle on the way to file our petitions today, so Carl the Intern had to steal a cart from Jewel and walk 'em. Monday, November 15, 2010 08:38:56 AM via Seesmic for Android
  601. Meanwhile, we're over at the Grease Monkey trying not to get completely fucked on the axle replacement. Monday, November 15, 2010 08:40:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  602. What the fucking fuck is a "constant velocity joint" and can we get by without one? Monday, November 15, 2010 08:52:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  603. Before he wheeled off with our petitions, I gave Carl head-fake lessons. Chico is about to get the head-faking of a fucking lifetime. Monday, November 15, 2010 09:03:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  604. Axelrod's Civic already gets by without a passenger-side windows or radio. Does it really need a differential seal? Monday, November 15, 2010 09:07:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  605. VinnyVanHogh
    TryingToBeFunny
    @MayorEmanuel It's the part on your car that is specifically designed to wear out early and costs way too much to fix. Monday, November 15, 2010 09:10:10 AM via TweetCaster in reply to MayorEmanuel
  606. @VinnyVanHogh fucking fuck me. Monday, November 15, 2010 09:11:57 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to VinnyVanHogh
  607. Carl just called Axelrod's Razr: Cart tipped over on Washington, most of the petitions ended up in the street. Not my fucking day. Monday, November 15, 2010 09:15:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  608. Carl says he got most of the petitions and that they're "mostly just muddy." At least that'll cover the coffee I spilled on them. Monday, November 15, 2010 09:22:12 AM via Seesmic for Android
  609. Shit is so fucking motherfucking fucked that I keep fucking forgetting to fucking swear. Fuck. Monday, November 15, 2010 09:26:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  610. detour1999
    Dylan Richard
    @MayorEmanuel cv joints keep your wheels at the right speed when the car turns, also transmit power from trans to wheels. You need them. Monday, November 15, 2010 09:24:17 AM via Twitter for Android in reply to MayorEmanuel
  611. @detour1999 Jesus motherfucking Christ. Monday, November 15, 2010 09:28:56 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to detour1999
  612. MCYax
    Mike Yax
    What do you think about this? @MayorEmanuel RT @nytimes For Emanuel, Obstacles in Path to Chicago Mayor https://nyti.ms/aDnMvP Monday, November 15, 2010 09:27:19 AM via web in reply to nytimes
  613. @DeclanMellor if they're talking about the pothole on Clyborn, then they're right fucking on. Monday, November 15, 2010 09:31:48 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to MCYax
  614. Finally getting Axelrod's out of the shop. Motherfuck. Carl says Mosley-Braun was crowing about having the most signatures. Fuck her. Monday, November 15, 2010 05:57:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  615. All Mosley-Braun's signatures and two bucks will buy her a Coke. No idea how much it'd cost her to buy a fucking clue. Monday, November 15, 2010 05:59:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  616. semibold
    Kathy M.
    @MayorEmanuel If you're going to bash someone, at least spell her name right. Moseley-Braun. Monday, November 15, 2010 06:03:49 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  617. @semibold if it was 1993, I'd totally give a fuck. Monday, November 15, 2010 06:05:50 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to semibold
  618. Holy fucking Jesus fuck. Where the fucking fuck is the motherfucking coffee? Tuesday, November 16, 2010 07:35:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  619. When I was a dancer, I learned the phrase "mutually assured destruction." Meeks, Davis, and Braun should fucking look it up. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 10:06:21 AM via web
  620. Been driving with the Teamsters all day. Pulled up to Chico's house in a big rig and blew on the horn. Beep beep, motherfucker! Tuesday, November 16, 2010 05:08:49 PM via web
  621. foxchicago
    Fox Chicago News
    @mayoremanuel Salon says you're one of the sexiest men alive: https://bit.ly/c44lYx Tuesday, November 16, 2010 05:14:33 PM via web
  622. @foxchicago Salon's always had good taste. Unlike, say, a motherfucking local Fox News outpost. Go fuck yourselves in the Rupert Murdoch. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 05:16:40 PM via web in reply to foxchicago
  623. Another thing about the Teamsters: You have not eaten a sandwich until you have eaten a motherfucking Teamster sandwich. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 05:23:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  624. aaronmandersen
    Aaron Andersen
    @MayorEmanuel Good job. You made the same sexy men list as Zach Galifianakis. Stellar work. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 05:24:22 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  625. @aaronmandersen I'm supposed to know who the fucking fuck that is? Tuesday, November 16, 2010 05:26:41 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to aaronmandersen
  626. marcgeelhoed
    Marc Geelhoed
    @MayorEmanuel Try this on: "Wasn't Teamster Sandwich some Andersonville lesbian bar?" You know you need a fast jokewriter. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 05:31:43 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  627. @marcgeelhoed Tell me if you meet one, because clearly you're not the motherfucking guy for the job. Jesus fucking christ. Lesbian jokes? Tuesday, November 16, 2010 06:03:38 PM via web in reply to marcgeelhoed
  628. Hanging with Teamsters is like hanging with high school kids, but with mustaches. You just eat, drink, and fucking drive around. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 06:06:34 PM via web
  629. marcgeelhoed
    Marc Geelhoed
    @MayorEmanuel When did you grow a conscience? Tuesday, November 16, 2010 06:07:53 PM via Twitter for BlackBerryĀ® in reply to MayorEmanuel
  630. @marcgeelhoed Conscience? It's just that 1985 wanted its joke back, you stupid fucking motherfucker. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 06:09:08 PM via web in reply to marcgeelhoed
  631. Axelrod and this Teamster named Bruno are in the mother of all pizza eating contests. Fucking I kid you not: we're in hour three. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 09:45:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  632. Axelrod's been puking most of the night. The price of motherfucking victory. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 08:15:53 AM via web
  633. Hanging out with beat cops today, as my motherfucking Chicago mustache tour continues. Tomorrow: cartoon Italian plumbers Wednesday, November 17, 2010 09:07:58 AM via Seesmic for Android
  634. He keeps this residency shit up, and I'm going to cram my motherfucking mortgage documents right up Ed Burke's pockmarked ass. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 11:39:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  635. I'm not saying Daley's a bad guy, but his new budget just fucked you in the ass without even saying please. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 05:23:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  636. Next parking meter box you see, whip your cock out and fuck the coin return. Coin-slot-sex is the only thing you'll see from the meter deal. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 05:33:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  637. I mean really, how the fuck do you fucking twat-up a hundred-year lease deal? Just a few coins motherfucking left over? Fuck this shit. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 05:57:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  638. So now we're all running to be mayor of a city that's so fucking motherfucking broke, we'll all be selling plasma to fund the schools. Fuck. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 06:05:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  639. Staffing up with a new intern, who just walked in with motherfucking tea. Hey what's-your-fuck, you're out. Thursday, November 18, 2010 07:36:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  640. Axelrod's already getting his motherfucking Hagrid costume together for the Deathly Hallows opening tomorrow. Thursday, November 18, 2010 08:01:39 AM via Seesmic for Android
  641. I keep telling Axelrod that I'm going as Gandalf. He's getting so fucking mad I think his mustache might fall off. Thursday, November 18, 2010 08:09:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  642. Strategy session, and every motherfucking suggestion from Axelrod involves a fucking Harry Potter reference. Thursday, November 18, 2010 08:24:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  643. Fuck: "Let's cast lumos on the budget situation." Thursday, November 18, 2010 08:25:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  644. Motherfuck: "Let's use Stupefy on Chico." Thursday, November 18, 2010 08:27:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  645. I know it's only 8:30, but I need a motherfucking drink. Thursday, November 18, 2010 08:31:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  646. Axelrod spent most of the 2:30 meeting "getting all of you up to speed on the Harry Potter franchise." Can it fucking be midnight yet? Thursday, November 18, 2010 03:17:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  647. 3/4 of the way through his retelling, he started crying because Dumbledore was killed. And he hasn't fucking stopped bawling since. Thursday, November 18, 2010 03:19:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  648. I swear, by the end of this day, I may just stuff this motherfucking wand in my motherfucking ear hole. Thursday, November 18, 2010 03:24:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  649. This line is fucking long and fucking cold. And this fucking wizard's cloak is not magically fucking warm. Thursday, November 18, 2010 08:30:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  650. Jesus motherfucking Christ, I have a hangover the size of fucking Hogwarts. Friday, November 19, 2010 08:38:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  651. Meeks, you keep pushing this residency bullshit and I will cram your cross so far up your ass, it'll take three days just to fucking find it Friday, November 19, 2010 08:43:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  652. I will admit that I'm a resident of Theothermotherfuckersaremotherfuckingdisasters-ville. Friday, November 19, 2010 08:53:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  653. And I own a timeshare in the great city of Fuckyouton. Friday, November 19, 2010 08:55:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  654. The first fucking person to file a suit over my residency is going to find my foot taking up residency inside their sphincter. Friday, November 19, 2010 09:00:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  655. Fuck you all of you motherfuckers in the motherfucking asshole, it's finally motherfucking Friday night. Friday, November 19, 2010 04:53:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  656. aaronmandersen
    Aaron Andersen
    @MayorEmanuel After 7 hours of silence, that's the best you got? Friday, November 19, 2010 04:55:23 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  657. @aaronmandersen you spend seven hours with Axelrod dressed as Hagrid and tell me if you can do any fucking better. Friday, November 19, 2010 04:57:14 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to aaronmandersen
  658. Axelrod is off at his sixth screening of Deathly Hallows but Penny Pritzker's bringing over a diamond-encrusted bucket of chicken. Fuck yes. Friday, November 19, 2010 05:11:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  659. Penny also brought over four cans of Four Lokos and is offering me $100k for each one I drink. Easy fucking money. Friday, November 19, 2010 05:39:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  660. Sho thag for logos shtit aignt sho fuctink touf Friday, November 19, 2010 08:17:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  661. Im sho fuctink fukt on thiz resgidetse shid itz nod efin fungky. Friday, November 19, 2010 08:27:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  662. Motherfucking fucking fuck fuckers. Saturday, November 20, 2010 08:04:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  663. The decision to only use one endzone in this fucking NU game was made by fucking cocktards. Dumbest fucking game ever. Saturday, November 20, 2010 04:45:44 PM via web
  664. Going over Thanksgiving plans with Axelrod today. He's saying Harold's, I'm saying Popeye's. Fucking fuck. Sunday, November 21, 2010 08:52:36 AM via web
  665. Jesus motherfucking Christ, could it be any more gray and fucking miserable outside? Fuck this shit: stay in. Monday, November 22, 2010 08:01:18 AM via web
  666. Carl has hooked up the motherfucking coffee IV, so I might be able to overcome this fucking gray fucking day. Monday, November 22, 2010 08:38:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  667. I hope this motherfucking monsoon floods the shit out of my former house. Learn to swim, you piece of shit. Monday, November 22, 2010 06:17:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  668. I pissed myself laughing at the idea of a motherfucking "Draft Burris Movement." I may vote for that fuck, so he at least gets one. Monday, November 22, 2010 06:20:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  669. Personally, I see this as a three-way race now: Me, M. Tricia Lee, and all the other sorry fucking assholes. Monday, November 22, 2010 06:27:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  670. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  671. @dannyyadron Carl the Intern says call him on his cell, you stupid motherfucker. Monday, November 22, 2010 06:49:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to dannyyadron
  672. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  673. @dannyyadron Oh, no problem: 773-382-5968. Check the keypad, asshole. Monday, November 22, 2010 10:35:47 PM via web in reply to dannyyadron
  674. I just keep looking at this motherfucking list of candidates and thinking how they all ended up fucking circus clowns. Monday, November 22, 2010 10:53:03 PM via web
  675. Holy Jesus fuck, Carl the Intern forgot to pay the heating bill, so we're all fucking huddled around a goddamn hot pot right now. Tuesday, November 23, 2010 09:15:59 AM via web
  676. Trying to squeeze out shits that look like Turkey legs to bring to Chico's potluck. Tuesday, November 23, 2010 09:58:35 AM via web
  677. Hey Chico, I would rather be endorsed by Ed Burke's cum rag than anyone connected with the motherfucking Chicago Public Schools. Tuesday, November 23, 2010 04:31:28 PM via web
  678. During the NOLA mayor's race, candidates didn't try to get Hurricane Katrina's motherfucking endorsement. But fucking CPS is OK? Tuesday, November 23, 2010 04:56:16 PM via web
  679. Axelrod just walked in looking like the motherfucking Deerhunter. Looked me dead in the eye and said, "We bag a bird tomorrow." Tuesday, November 23, 2010 09:58:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  680. On the way to Wisconsin with Axelrod and Carl the Intern to kill a turkey. Carl's crying. Fucking vegetarians. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 08:11:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  681. Jesus fucking Christ, Kenosha Wisconsin is a place I never need to go again in my motherfucking life. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 09:12:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  682. Axelrod's been driving this whole time with a knife clenched between his teeth, like he's some kind of motherfucking pirate. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 09:22:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  683. Details, details: The knife, it turns out, is the only tool Axelrod brought for the hunt. He's chasing birds around a field, knife raised. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 10:45:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  684. Holy fuck, he got one! Now he's standing there yelling "BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF THE BIRD!" Wednesday, November 24, 2010 11:51:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  685. There is so much more blood in a turkey than you'd think. Jesus fucking Christ. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 03:06:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  686. Axelrod, me, Carl, and the Civic are completely covered in blood. If we get pulled over, this could get motherfucking ugly. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 03:25:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  687. Plouffe just faxed over the menu for tomorrow. Turns out we picked up the wrong fucking stuffing. Motherfuck. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 06:08:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  688. There are 100,000 fucking assholes crammed into this Domincks. Get me my stuffing or I'll give you something to be fucking thankfull for. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 06:12:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  689. They are out of motherfucking stuffing. Fuck every single one of you fucking goddamn motherfuckers right in your fucking face. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 06:35:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  690. Fucking Ari: "Hey you asshole, I heard you bagged a bird. I'm sending my jet your way. Turkey day in LAā€”Pants fucking optional." Wednesday, November 24, 2010 08:49:11 PM via web
  691. Sarah_Palin_USA
    Sarah Palin
    @mayoremanuel: Happy Thanksgiving or whatever the proper greeting is for Jews! Wednesday, November 24, 2010 10:22:45 PM via Twitter for iPhone
  692. @Sarah_Palin_USA fuck you and your fucking fake account. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 11:18:13 PM via web in reply to Sarah_Palin_USA
  693. "Happy fucking Thanksgiving, you motherfucking ass-hats." That's Ari, greeting us at the limo pulled up to his house. Thursday, November 25, 2010 08:53:17 AM via web
  694. I've spent most of the day chasing Geffen's dogs around the goddamn house. They keep jumping up and grabbing shit off the counters. Thursday, November 25, 2010 08:43:49 PM via web
  695. For dinner tonight, we've got Ari, Geffen & boyfriend, Me, Axelrod, Carl the Intern, Carol Burnett, Harrison fucking Ford, and Kayne West. Thursday, November 25, 2010 08:53:13 PM via web
  696. Carol's been drinking for like five hours now, and Harrison's been sulking in a corner for some fucking reason. Thursday, November 25, 2010 08:55:19 PM via web
  697. Dinner was supposed to start an hour ago. I swear to god, I'm going to just start gnawing off my own fucking arm. Thursday, November 25, 2010 08:56:43 PM via web
  698. We're late because Carl the Intern was playing football with Geffen's boyfriend and knocked over the fucking turkey deep fryer on a play. Thursday, November 25, 2010 09:01:25 PM via web
  699. Carol keeps hitting on David Geffen and nobody has the heart to tell her she'd have a better shot at a bowl of cranberry sauce. Thursday, November 25, 2010 09:04:58 PM via web
  700. Kanye keeps bragging that his green bean casserole will "knock you on your ass." Thursday, November 25, 2010 09:11:35 PM via web
  701. This whole fucking dinner is a goddamn waiting game on Axelrod and his motherfucking deep friend turkey. Any fucking time now. Thursday, November 25, 2010 09:15:53 PM via web
  702. becks58
    becks
    @MayorEmanuel Harrison's a doofus. Thursday, November 25, 2010 09:02:03 PM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  703. @becks58 He certainly seems that way. I tried to talk to him about his work in "K-19: The Widowmaker," and he just said "fuck off." Thursday, November 25, 2010 09:21:40 PM via web in reply to becks58
  704. club_is_open
    Terry Peppers
    @MayorEmanuel Axelrod is friends with his turkey? What the fuck kind of dinner are you having?! Thursday, November 25, 2010 09:24:48 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  705. @club_is_open Who the fuck died and made you the motherfucking dictionary? Excuse a fucking typo once and a while, ass-clown. Thursday, November 25, 2010 09:26:36 PM via web in reply to club_is_open
  706. Fuck this. Me and Carol and Kanye are off to find a motherfucking taco truck. Thursday, November 25, 2010 09:32:36 PM via web
  707. Carol Burnett's ordering tacos for the three of us--combo of Cabeza, Tripa, and Buche. She fucking calls it "The Hot Mess." Thursday, November 25, 2010 10:11:20 PM via web
  708. Sitting on a curb with Kanye West, Carol Burnett, a pile of tacos and a bottle of Hennessy. Happy motherfucking Thanksgiving. Thursday, November 25, 2010 10:19:02 PM via web
  709. Stayed out all night with Carol and Kanye, just walking the fuck around. Now we're hitting the stores. BLACK FUCKING FRIDAY!!! Friday, November 26, 2010 08:29:09 AM via web
  710. Holy fuck, Carol got the greatest deal on a back massager I have ever fucking seen in my life. Friday, November 26, 2010 09:03:57 AM via web
  711. And Kanye got like fucking 80% off an amazing fucking set of bathroom towels. Bed Bath & Beyond FTMFW. Friday, November 26, 2010 09:04:37 AM via web
  712. Got back to Ari's with my rental Yaris stuffed with half-price DVDs and Axelrod's standing there: "Your residency is challenged. " Fuck me. Friday, November 26, 2010 04:41:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  713. I'm going to watch two DVDs, eat a motherfucking In'n'Out, check out Kanye's dolphin tank, then get on a plane and fight this shit. FUCK. Friday, November 26, 2010 04:52:45 PM via web
  714. Jesus fucking Christ, dolphins are motherfucking graceful fucking animals. Friday, November 26, 2010 07:22:30 PM via web
  715. Strategy session: Just how fucked are the fucking fucks that are trying to fuck us? Very fucking fucked. Saturday, November 27, 2010 03:26:06 PM via web
  716. Heading down to heckle Meeks at his church. He wants to fuck where I live, I'll fuck him right back. Sunday, November 28, 2010 09:42:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  717. Alright, front row, asshole. Motherfucking God me, you stupid motherfucker. Sunday, November 28, 2010 10:45:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  718. TraceyWithAnE
    Tracey Harkins
    Someone should tell whoever does the @mayoremanuel tweets to write G-D for God, because that would be better. #JewishLifeYo Sunday, November 28, 2010 11:05:05 PM via Twitter for iPhone
  719. @TraceyWithAnE Really? Fucking really? Fuck you and your g-ddamn motherfucking g-d. Sunday, November 28, 2010 11:31:48 PM via web in reply to TraceyWithAnE
  720. Half-hour until it's my motherfucking birthday. You fucking motherfuckers had better have gotten me something fucking nice. Sunday, November 28, 2010 11:32:44 PM via web
  721. MOTHERFUCKING MIDNIGHT. IT'S MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY MOTHERFUCKERS. Monday, November 29, 2010 12:00:07 AM via web
  722. Carl the Intern gave me the biggest cup of coffee I've ever seen. It's motherfucking enormous! I'm crying like a baby here. Monday, November 29, 2010 07:58:14 AM via web
  723. Fuck yes: Axelrod brought over a stuffed bear holding a "happy birthday" balloon. I named him Peaches. Monday, November 29, 2010 08:38:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  724. Fax from Plouffe: "I got you just what you wanted: An election lawyer that would make Jesus piss his fucking robes." Monday, November 29, 2010 08:43:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  725. Axelrod keeps telling me there's a "secret birthday surprise" later. It's always motherfucking Chuck E Cheese. Monday, November 29, 2010 09:08:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  726. litescript
    Peter Brown
    @MayorEmanuel hopefully this time its Dave & Busters. Monday, November 29, 2010 09:10:55 AM via tGadget in reply to MayorEmanuel
  727. @litescript nah, Axelrod's banned from all the Dave & Busters east of the Rockies. Monday, November 29, 2010 09:13:26 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to litescript
  728. Also, Axelrod got spinner rims for his Civic and is trying to pass them off as a present for fucking me. "But you'll look awesome." Monday, November 29, 2010 09:16:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  729. ChicagoLeah
    Leah Jones
    @MayorEmanuel spinner rims are legit hannuka presents and covers him for 4/8 days. Monday, November 29, 2010 09:20:09 AM via Twitter for Android in reply to MayorEmanuel
  730. @ChicagoLeah I call bullshit. Combined birthday / hannukah gifts are a fucking rip-off, except the year my parents got me a go-kart. Monday, November 29, 2010 09:24:02 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChicagoLeah
  731. Meeks, Chico, and Burris have each sent fake residency papers with the note "I got you what you really wanted." Real fucking funny. Monday, November 29, 2010 12:48:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  732. Braun just sent flowers though, because she's motherfucking classy. Monday, November 29, 2010 12:49:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  733. I'd expect that Davis will get the memo it's my birthday in about six weeks, and issue a statement in three more. Slow motherfucker. Monday, November 29, 2010 12:52:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  734. Holy fuck: Axelrod's surprise gift is a bar of Ex Lax and the key to the motherfucking city council chamber. Monday, November 29, 2010 05:10:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  735. Between the Ex Lax and these two boxes of Fiber One, I'm going to be able to craft the fucking Burnham Plan of shit. Monday, November 29, 2010 05:18:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  736. Birthday: (1) take a shit in the council chambers (2) pick up Penny Pritzker and Samurai Mike Singletary (3) taco pizza at Chuck E Cheese. Monday, November 29, 2010 05:39:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  737. Heading over to the city council chambers now. I've got to admit: Axelrod's rims do look motherfucking sweet. Monday, November 29, 2010 05:54:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  738. My ass is a brown fountain of motherfucking justice! Best birthday ever!! Monday, November 29, 2010 06:10:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  739. Took a while longer to finish up in the City Council than I thought. But I'll tell you this: That shit was a motherfucking masterpiece Monday, November 29, 2010 08:05:18 PM via web
  740. As a result, we were late picking up Penny and Samurai Mike. They've been drinking the whole time they were waiting. Fucking amazing. Monday, November 29, 2010 08:06:04 PM via web
  741. You haven't fucking lived until you've heard Penny Pritzker do her rendition of the "Samurai Mike" rap from the Super Bowl Shuffle. Monday, November 29, 2010 08:14:40 PM via web
  742. Mike Singletary is up on stage with that motherfucking Chuck E Cheese robot mouse. I think Axelrod may choke he's laughing so hard. Monday, November 29, 2010 08:29:32 PM via web
  743. This trip to Chuck E Cheese just confirms it: I am the motherfucking king of whack-a-mole! Monday, November 29, 2010 09:27:55 PM via web
  744. Driving Lake Shore Drive in Axelrod's Civic, rain coming in the missing window. Penny, Samurai Mike, and I just fucking freestyling. YES. Monday, November 29, 2010 10:49:02 PM via web
  745. The clock's tickin, I just count the hours / Stop trippin, I'm trippin off the power / Till then, fuck that--the world's OURS. Monday, November 29, 2010 10:56:55 PM via web
  746. Stumbling into bed. Wet, hoarse, happy. Fifty-one is going to be all fucking right. Monday, November 29, 2010 11:36:26 PM via web
  747. Post-birthday hangover means that I'm going to make Meeks see motherfucking god for this shit he's pulling with my tenant. Tuesday, November 30, 2010 08:19:01 AM via web
  748. If you are running for mayor of Chicago, do not fuck with me today. I will take this ice pack off my head and chop your fucking dick off Tuesday, November 30, 2010 08:26:10 AM via web
  749. Positiveinlife
    Rob Lekan
    @MayorEmanuel so Braun is safe then? Tuesday, November 30, 2010 08:28:48 AM via TwitBird in reply to MayorEmanuel
  750. @Positiveinlife no, I'll chop her fucking dick off too. Tuesday, November 30, 2010 08:59:46 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Positiveinlife
  751. lakecountydem
    lake county democrat
    @MayorEmanuel Wouldn't the real Rahm Emanuel tweet "motherfucking G_d"? I'm starting to suspect that you aren't who you say you are! Tuesday, November 30, 2010 08:52:21 AM via web
  752. @lakecountydem who the fuck died and made you the motherfucking Talmud? Tuesday, November 30, 2010 09:05:38 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lakecountydem
  753. Strategy session: We're going to contest everything up to and including the existence of the motherfucking City of Chicago. Tuesday, November 30, 2010 10:25:43 AM via web
  754. So 21 Chicagoans have filed objections to my candidacy. The other 2,853,093 think I'm fucking amazing. I can live with that. Tuesday, November 30, 2010 04:25:10 PM via web
  755. Fuck this motherfucking snow right in its motherfucking nimbostratus cloud formation. Wednesday, December 1, 2010 08:41:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  756. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  757. @lawstcause who died and made you Tom fucking Skilling? Wednesday, December 1, 2010 08:46:43 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lawstcause
  758. Axelrod's been standing outside, shovel in hand, for three hours now, like he's Nanook of the fucking North. Wednesday, December 1, 2010 08:52:23 AM via Seesmic for Android
  759. I have so much fucking Hannukah shopping to finish. Fuck this motherfucking lunar calendar bullahit. Wednesday, December 1, 2010 09:29:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  760. emaufmuth
     
    @MayorEmanuel I would have thought you would be better at skeeball. Wednesday, December 1, 2010 10:55:13 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  761. @emaufmuth the fucking finger fucks me on Skeeball. Wednesday, December 1, 2010 11:39:13 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to emaufmuth
  762. All this "starting at sundown" shit would be a lot fucking easier if sundown wasn't in the middle of the goddamn afternoon. Wednesday, December 1, 2010 04:14:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  763. Jesus fucking Christ, it turns out that Carl the Intern used to hustle kids on the Dreidel back in Hebrew school. Wednesday, December 1, 2010 06:47:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  764. Thanks to him, we're up to our ears in fucking Hannukah gelt. Wednesday, December 1, 2010 06:53:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  765. Holy fucking motherfucking fuck, where the fucking fuck is the motherfucking coffee. Thursday, December 2, 2010 07:48:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  766. Danny Davis would be a worthy motherfucking opponent if it was 1982. Thursday, December 2, 2010 07:58:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  767. And Gery Chico would be a threat if we were running for president of the fucking PTA. Thursday, December 2, 2010 07:59:55 AM via Seesmic for Android
  768. And Braun would have a lock if we were competing for placement on a motherfucking Trivial Pursuit card. Thursday, December 2, 2010 08:01:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  769. New slogan: "It's 2010, this is for mayor, and Trivial Pursuit is for fucking pussies. Vote Emanuel." Thursday, December 2, 2010 08:09:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  770. Keep me locked in this room with David Hoffman much longer and I'm going to turn into a fucking arsenic-eating lifeform too. Thursday, December 2, 2010 01:41:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  771. Seriously, there is a reason this guy lost to dumb-fucking Alexi. And that reason is he is a motherfucking painfully boring motherfucker. Thursday, December 2, 2010 01:58:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  772. Seriously I just look at that motherfucker and I get sleepy. They should stand him outside mattress stores. Make a fucking fortune. Thursday, December 2, 2010 02:03:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  773. Sure, he's a fucking stand-up guy, and I'm fucking glad he's on ou... zzzzzzzzzzzzz Thursday, December 2, 2010 02:12:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  774. Jesus fucking Christ, I almost burnt the motherfucking house down lighting that second candle. Thursday, December 2, 2010 06:35:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  775. ChrisFidis
    Chris Fidis
    @MayorEmanuel - Never use the lords name in vein!!! Before spewing out the words you just spoke on your tweet would you say this in church? Thursday, December 2, 2010 06:39:00 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  776. @ChrisFidis not my lord, asshole. Thursday, December 2, 2010 06:48:25 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChrisFidis
  777. ChrisFidis
    Chris Fidis
    @MayorEmanuel For you to respond as such you exhibit NO CLASS! You should be ashamed to represent chicago constituents. #CBS #ABC #NBC #CNN Thursday, December 2, 2010 07:07:27 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  778. @ChrisFidis uh, you realize that you're talking to a fake account, right? Move along, dumbass. Thursday, December 2, 2010 07:12:20 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChrisFidis
  779. Motherfuck! The! Sleep! Of! Hoffman! Is! The! Greatest! Sleep! Of! All! Motherfucking! Time! Hoff! Me! Again! Motherfucker! Friday, December 3, 2010 07:59:32 AM via web
  780. You know what's just fucking adorable? That Ed Burke still thinks he fucking matters. Friday, December 3, 2010 09:38:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  781. Axelrod just ripped the bumper off his Civic trying to attach a fucking plow to it. "Just trying to be prepared." Friday, December 3, 2010 10:31:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  782. What are you waiting for? Motherfuck every fucking thing, it's Friday fucking night! No snow yet, you assholes get out there! Friday, December 3, 2010 05:11:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  783. Fuck this snow. Fuck this snow. Fuck this motherfucking snow. Saturday, December 4, 2010 08:04:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  784. I'm out here fucking shoveling this shit myself because Axelrod has been fucking catatonic since he heard motherfucking Ron Santo died. Saturday, December 4, 2010 08:09:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  785. Jankowski60
    John
    @MayorEmanuel Yeah, but if you're Mayor you better keep snow off the streets-- or get fired like Mayor Byrne Saturday, December 4, 2010 08:08:49 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  786. @Jankowski60 hey dumbshit, it was Bilandic not motherfucking Byrne. Get your shit straight, asshole. Saturday, December 4, 2010 08:21:39 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Jankowski60
  787. Worst fucking part is that I'm out here in fucking wingtips because my motherfucking boots are in the attic of my fucking rented house. Saturday, December 4, 2010 08:25:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  788. My feet are so fucking numb that I'm considering setting them on fucking fire. Saturday, December 4, 2010 10:02:40 AM via Seesmic for Android
  789. Also, Carl the Intern won't make me a hot cocoa because he's sitting shiva with Axelrod over Santo. Fuck me. Saturday, December 4, 2010 10:03:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  790. Axelrod's outside with a chainsaw carving a motherfucking Ron Santo ice sculpture right now. Saturday, December 4, 2010 02:54:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  791. Dug out Axelrod's Civic to go buy some boots. Put fucking five lawn chairs and an old ironing board in the spot. Sunday, December 5, 2010 10:50:38 AM via Seesmic for Android
  792. We drove by Chico's house and I pissed "Fuck you you fucking motherfucker" in the snow. Sunday, December 5, 2010 01:24:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  793. Motherfucking coffee fucking commence! Monday, December 6, 2010 07:52:42 AM via Seesmic for Android
  794. Standing in front of City Hall, giving the fucking double birds to all these dumb fucks walking into the Board of Election office. Monday, December 6, 2010 10:11:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  795. Elizabeth Edwards was fucking classy--too bad her husband was such a fucking douche-cock. And also about the cancer. Monday, December 6, 2010 05:15:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  796. Holy fuck, it's motherfucking cold as motherfucking shit outside. Tuesday, December 7, 2010 08:04:05 AM via web
  797. So my tenant isn't running for mayor after all. What a fucking motherfucking shock. Tuesday, December 7, 2010 10:24:36 AM via Seesmic for Android
  798. It warms my asshole to see dumb motherfuckers get kicked off the ballot. Tuesday, December 7, 2010 10:40:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  799. pigeonspotting
    H
    @MayorEmanuel did you dibs your shoveled out parking space this weekend Tuesday, December 7, 2010 12:35:31 PM via txt
  800. @pigeonspotting it's not my fucking job to catch you up on tweets you didn't fucking read. Tuesday, December 7, 2010 12:42:55 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to pigeonspotting
  801. I would rather hang out with Elizabeth Edwards' corpse than have to go to one of these motherfucking "mayoral forums" Tuesday, December 7, 2010 06:10:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  802. Too motherfucking soon? Tuesday, December 7, 2010 06:15:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  803. But really, these fucking candidate forums looking absolutely motherfucking awful. Tuesday, December 7, 2010 06:20:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  804. I would rather stick my dick to a frozen fucking flagpole than answer another motherfucking residency question. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 09:07:34 AM via Seesmic for Android
  805. Axelrod has replaced all his Santo candles with Elizabeth candles. Rough fucking week for that guy. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 09:18:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  806. marinos
    Stephen Marino
    @MayorEmanuel Tell Axelrod to shave that 'stache. 1978 is long over, and he looks like a pedophile. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 09:34:23 AM via TweetDeck
  807. @marinos fuck you. Lose the mustache and you lose the man. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 09:46:51 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to marinos
  808. Axelrod's taking his heartbreak out in ice sculpture: joining Santo is Elizabeth Edwards, a unicorn, and a fucking sweet T-Rex. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 02:50:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  809. Also, he's got a fucking knitted mustache pouch to keep his 'stache warm. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 02:51:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  810. Spending the last night of Hannukah with David Hoffman. It might be Yom fucking Kippur by the time he gets all eight candles lit. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 05:24:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  811. Jesus fucking Christ, I'm really hoping this liquor I've got can last for eight fucking days, because I may be trapped here that long. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 05:49:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  812. At this point, I'm holding my hand above the menorah, just to feel something. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 06:22:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  813. Hoffman finally got the final candle lit. That guy sure does know a lot about the motherfucking Maccabees. Fuck me. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 08:18:53 PM via web
  814. Strategy session for residency hearing: Axelrod says no to pulling my cock out and asking, "You want this shit Chicago style?" Thursday, December 9, 2010 07:49:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  815. caribbeanscot
    Mario M.
    @MayorEmanuel You mean boiled, with all the workings on it, and never any ketchup? Thursday, December 9, 2010 07:51:13 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  816. @caribbeanscot the fucking fuck is "workings"? Thursday, December 9, 2010 07:52:24 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to caribbeanscot
  817. He also says no to pulling down my pants, spreading my cheeks and saying "Eat my motherfucking deep dish." Thursday, December 9, 2010 07:56:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  818. Fuck you, you motherfucking Senatorial fuck-asses. Thursday, December 9, 2010 03:12:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  819. Getting ready for the residency hearing tomorrow by drinking every motherfucking thing in the kitchen. Up next: Baileys and dish soap. Thursday, December 9, 2010 06:45:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  820. Motherfucking pro tip: soy sauce and fucking cognac. Motherfucking amazing. Thursday, December 9, 2010 07:53:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  821. Axelrod is doing yogurt and beer shooters. Thursday, December 9, 2010 08:09:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  822. Holy fucking fuck, I need some motherfucking coffee poured directly into my fucking mouth right this motherfucking second. Friday, December 10, 2010 08:05:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  823. Fucking annoying hearing today that leads to even more motherfucking annoying hearings next week. Democracy is a bitch. Friday, December 10, 2010 04:21:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  824. Fax from Plouffe : "We need to work on your likeability before your testimony." Faxed him back a picture of my asshole. Friday, December 10, 2010 04:39:48 PM via Seesmic for Android
  825. HermannM
    Hermann Mazard
    @MayorEmanuel Surprisingly, the shear fucking chaos of democracy affords leaders more control than in a goddamn dictatorship. #gofigure Friday, December 10, 2010 04:40:12 PM via Echofon in reply to MayorEmanuel
  826. @HermannM spoken like someone who hasn't lived within 10,000 motherfucking miles of an actual fucking dictatorship. Friday, December 10, 2010 04:45:28 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to HermannM
  827. I don't give a thousand fucking fucks; it is motherfucking finally Friday night. Friday, December 10, 2010 05:15:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  828. Axelrod and I are filling the house with donuts and seeing if we can eat our motherfucking way out. Saturday, December 11, 2010 09:56:02 AM via web
  829. Motherfuck this motherfucking rain. Saturday, December 11, 2010 02:22:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  830. KTAndrea
    KatieEukel
    @mayoremanuel Wait. Rain? I can't leave my house in Minneapolis because of an EPIC BLIZZARD. You can shut your mouth now. Saturday, December 11, 2010 02:31:37 PM via HootSuite in reply to MayorEmanuel
  831. @KTAndrea you're the dumb motherfucker that lives in Minneapolis. Saturday, December 11, 2010 04:38:07 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to KTAndrea
  832. Axelrod was waking us up every hour last night as part of his "readiness patrol" and not a single fucking flake hit the goddamn ground. Sunday, December 12, 2010 08:22:25 AM via web
  833. I'm so tired I think I'm going to vomit, and now it's motherfucking snowing like a motherfuck. Sunday, December 12, 2010 08:46:51 AM via web
  834. jollyevil
     
    Channeling @MayorEmanuel - it's gonna take a lot of motherfucking coffee to get me through this day. Sunday, December 12, 2010 11:39:08 AM via web
  835. @jollyevil speaking the fucking motherfucking truth right there. I've already had 14 cups. Sunday, December 12, 2010 11:47:21 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jollyevil
  836. Carl the Intern scheduled a fucking presser about education in the middle of a goddamn snow storm and the motherfucking Bears game. Sunday, December 12, 2010 11:48:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  837. Pretty sure it's payback for making Carl follow Chico around this week pretending to record him, just to fucking fuck with his head. Sunday, December 12, 2010 11:50:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  838. fuck this motherfucking football game. fuck it right in its snowy motherfucking ass. Sunday, December 12, 2010 04:03:33 PM via web
  839. Motherfucking fucking fuck fuckers. What the fucking fuck game is fucking Cutler fucking playing? Sunday, December 12, 2010 04:24:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  840. I'm going to go outside and have Axelrod whip iceballs at my cock. Has to be more fun than this motherfucking football game. Sunday, December 12, 2010 04:38:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  841. Motherfucking Cutler is a motherfucking cocktard. Sunday, December 12, 2010 05:55:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  842. ashamedtosay
    I am not telling
    @cholmes96 I don't know, let's check. Hey @MayorEmanuel What the Fuck? Plow my street already!!!!! Sunday, December 12, 2010 06:58:22 PM via Echofon in reply to cholmes96
  843. @ashamedtosay @cholmes96 not my fucking job yet, assholes. Sunday, December 12, 2010 07:05:49 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ashamedtosay
  844. @ashamedtosay @cholmes96 Have you looked at the city budget? At the state of the schools or the cops? Your fucking side street isn't shit. Sunday, December 12, 2010 08:58:51 PM via web in reply to ashamedtosay
  845. Who the fuck replaced Chicago with the motherfucking ice planet Hoth? Monday, December 13, 2010 07:58:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  846. I know it might not send the right message, but we're taking the Imperial Walker to get to the residency hearing. Fuck the Taun-Tauns. Monday, December 13, 2010 08:29:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  847. Axelrod just got in from gassing up the Walker and his mustache looks like it was part of the Shackleton expedition. Icicles. Monday, December 13, 2010 08:54:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  848. Carl the Intern is cramming for tomorrow's testimony with me while Axelrod is out on a pizza run. Going to be a late motherfucking night. Monday, December 13, 2010 06:05:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  849. Did you know there are 77 communities in Chicago? Motherfucking take THAT, Board of Election Commissioners! Monday, December 13, 2010 06:13:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  850. Chicago derives its name from the motherfucking Miami-Illinois tribal word for "wild onion." Fuck yes: shikaakwa. Monday, December 13, 2010 06:18:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  851. Motherfucking flag's four stars: Fort Dearborn, the Great Fire, the World's Columbian Exposition, and the Century of fucking Progress. Monday, December 13, 2010 06:26:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  852. Fuck studying for this motherfucking testimony. Axelrod's back with pizza and beer. Your honor, it's time to fucking drink. Monday, December 13, 2010 06:32:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  853. subliculous
    the real liz rudolph
    @MayorEmanuel i've heard it was a corruption of "chekagau" or "land of the big stink". Monday, December 13, 2010 06:21:23 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  854. @subliculous Carl says you heard fucking wrong. Monday, December 13, 2010 06:33:14 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to subliculous
  855. somepolack
     
    @MayorEmanuel Why aren't you following anyone. Too proud or too democratic? Monday, December 13, 2010 07:06:11 PM via TwitBird in reply to MayorEmanuel
  856. @kwithk really, why would I want to follow any of you stupid motherfuckers Monday, December 13, 2010 07:19:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to somepolack
  857. Motherfucking six fucking degrees? Fuck this motherfucking bullshit. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 07:32:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  858. DJAHa
    DJAH
    @MayorEmanuel What are you going to do about paying taxes for online purchases? Tuesday, December 14, 2010 06:47:37 AM via ƜberTwitter in reply to MayorEmanuel
  859. @DJAHa I think you need to look into what a motherfucking mayor actually does. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 07:36:40 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to DJAHa
  860. I went out to grab the paper and now my motherfucking balls are frozen to my motherfucking leg. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 07:52:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  861. Axelrod's outside with a hair dryer trying to unfreeze the fucking fuel line on his Civic. He promises we'll be at City Hall by nine. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 08:19:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  862. And the Civic won't fucking start. Axelrod, Carl, and I are riding the motherfucking bus. Fucking perfect. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 08:41:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  863. Frozen balls, riding the bus, and giving fucking testimony to 25 motherfucking assholes. A+ motherfucking day. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 08:45:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  864. Someone keep count on how many times I "itch" my eye with my middle finger during testimony today. I bet 352 fucking times. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 08:57:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  865. In the bathroom at City Hall trying to dethaw my ballsack at the hand dryer and Dock fucking Walls walks in. Fuck this day. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 09:12:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  866. Well here goes motherfucking nothing. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 10:00:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  867. I swear to god, if Axelrod shows up at lunch break with fucking Subway, I'm going to completely lose my motherfucking shit. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 10:27:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  868. These questions are awesome. I'll take "Fuck You In The Motherfucking Armpit" for $500, please. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:59:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  869. I am going to drink more alcohol than you can ever possibly imagine when this motherfucking godforsaken shitstorm of a day is over. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 02:12:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  870. Five hours of this testimony and I've come to one conclusion: People are motherfucking assholes. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 02:57:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  871. To each one of you motherfuckers asking me questions: in three months I'll be mayor and you'll still just be some dumb motherfucker. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 03:19:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  872. Some dumb motherfucker... that I hate. Hope you enjoy today. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 03:20:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  873. Well that's over. Motherfucking fucking motherfuck. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 05:08:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  874. Off to eat a steak the size of my head, then go home and punch a fucking mirror until my knuckles are motherfucking pulp. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 05:32:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  875. Holy motherfucking mother of god, I need to swim in a goddamn fucking ocean of motherfucking coffee right fucking now. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 07:24:45 AM via web
  876. davemcclure
    Dave McClure
    Dear @MayorEmanuel: i fucking <3 u so fucking much it fucking hurts. Go Mayor! Wednesday, December 15, 2010 01:48:07 AM via Mobile Web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  877. @davemcclure pull your motherfucking face out of my ass. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 07:34:09 AM via web in reply to davemcclure
  878. Carl the Intern makes this breakfast that's a pancake wrapped around a hard-boiled egg with a sausage stuck through it. Fucking incredible. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 08:22:39 AM via web
  879. TilDthDoUsApl
    J. Day
    I wonder if the only reason @MayorEmanuel didn't stab someone during his hearing was bc @tsagov conducted an enhanced pat down on him. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 08:44:37 AM via web
  880. @TilDthDoUsApl No, I didn't stab someone because I'm a motherfucking professional. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 09:00:00 AM via web in reply to TilDthDoUsApl
  881. Sent Carl the Intern over to City Hall. Operation "Clog Every Motherfucking Toilet in the Fucking Place" is underway. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 09:47:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  882. All water flows downhill. Those motherfuckers in the basement hearing room will be swimming in shit by 1pm. Motherfucking payback. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 10:13:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  883. Axelrod's watching video of my hearing and listening to the Tron soundtrack. Looked at me in tears: "Life's easier in The Grid." Wednesday, December 15, 2010 10:43:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  884. TheAtlanticWire
    The Atlantic Wire
    Is Rahm Emanuel even eligible to run in Chicago? https://theatln.tc/emv0le (paging @MayorEmanuel...) Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:00:10 AM via HootSuite
  885. @TheAtlanticWire welcome to yesterday. Try to keep the fuck up. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:35:44 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to TheAtlanticWire
  886. davemcclure
    Dave McClure
    @MayorEmanuel kisses, bitch :) #imafanboi Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:44:29 AM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  887. @davemcclure it's just really hard to sit with your fucking lips on my sphincter. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:49:12 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to davemcclure
  888. I don't even know how this is fucking possible, but somehow Carl the Intern is stuck in the sewer pipes below City Hall. Fuck. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 02:46:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  889. Fuck, now Axelrod is fucking stuck under City Hall too. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 03:49:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  890. Fucking goddamn motherfuck. I'm fucking stuck down here too. All three of us, in the fucking sewers below City Hall. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 04:53:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  891. cornwuff
    Jim Doolittle
    @MayorEmanuel Iā€™m impressed you have data service down there! Whoā€™s your provider? Wednesday, December 15, 2010 04:58:16 PM via Hibari in reply to MayorEmanuel
  892. @cornwuff motherfucking Verizon. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:01:17 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cornwuff
  893. Someone make a note to remind me that when I'm mayor, first order of business is to fix the fucking City Hall sewer access door latch. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:06:53 PM via Seesmic for Android
  894. Downside: looks like we'll be down here for a while. Upside: Axelrod's got like 30 fucking Slim Jims in his fanny pack. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:20:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  895. litescript
    Peter Brown
    @MayorEmanuel the intern lacked the foresight to bring a flask? he'll never make it. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:24:36 PM via tGadget in reply to MayorEmanuel
  896. @litescript the fucking fuck would Carl have a flask for, when he filled mine this morning? Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:26:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to litescript
  897. Emptied our pockets: 25 Slim Jims, four packs of Nutra Sweet, three pens, and a fucking pocket guide to Midwestern water fowl. So we're good Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:38:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  898. ellengladish
     
    @MayorEmanuel nice seeing you at the matchbox last night! Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:37:48 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  899. @ellengladish you know, I don't remember a single fucking thing about last night. Blackout. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:40:24 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ellengladish
  900. It's actually kind of beautiful down here. Quiet, except for the sound of water flowing. You forget where you are--until someone flushes Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:44:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  901. somepolack
     
    @MayorEmanuel How the fuck are you getting signal down there? It sure isn't #AT&T, they suck all over the city. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:43:09 PM via TwitBird
  902. @kwithk Verizon. Can you motherfucking hear me now? Wednesday, December 15, 2010 05:45:53 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to somepolack
  903. Forced open a door and discovered Jane Byrne's secret fucking office. A desk, a wet box of smokes, and a stack of Playgirls from 1981. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 06:57:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  904. Ate the last Slim Jim. Fucking fuck motherfuck. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 07:31:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  905. The plan: We're going to ride Jane Byrne's sex dungeon door down this river of shit and on to motherfucking freedom. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 07:42:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  906. Freedom! We're floating down the middle of Lake Calumet. There's snow in the air and the stench of shit on our clothes. Magical. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 09:19:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  907. benbradley7
    Ben Bradley
    @MayorEmanuel: at your res. hearing & reading of your fight for freedom from city hall sewer system. Which do u think would make better TV? Wednesday, December 15, 2010 09:29:26 PM via Twitter for BlackBerryĀ®
  908. @benbradley7 How the fuck should I know? You're the stupid motherfucker on TV. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 09:38:40 PM via web in reply to benbradley7
  909. Holy fuck: I've just woken up with a motherfucking raging case of pink eye. I want to claw my eyeballs out of my fucking head. Thursday, December 16, 2010 07:36:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  910. Axelrod too: he's sitting in the kitchen with a bag of frozen peas on his motherfucking eyes, moaning. Thursday, December 16, 2010 07:41:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  911. Turns out Axelrod's mostly moaning about having to wait 16 hours until the midnight opening of motherfucking Tron. Thursday, December 16, 2010 07:53:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  912. That also explains why he's wearing a light-up suit. Thursday, December 16, 2010 07:54:24 AM via Seesmic for Android
  913. imjasondiamond
    Jason Diamond
    @MayorEmanuel I think I'm gonna make the pancake breakfast that Carl the Intern makes. Thursday, December 16, 2010 07:49:20 AM via web
  914. @imjasondiamond it is motherfucking incredible. Thursday, December 16, 2010 07:55:10 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to imjasondiamond
  915. OniJoseph
    Oni Joseph Poetician
    @MayorEmanuel no swearing? :( Thursday, December 16, 2010 07:56:16 AM via Twitter for BlackBerryĀ® in reply to MayorEmanuel
  916. @OniJoseph a motherfucking light up fucking suit. Does that fucking work for you, you dumb motherfucker? Thursday, December 16, 2010 07:58:56 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to OniJoseph
  917. Jesus fucking Christ, Carl the Intern just walked in. His eyes look like they're having their fucking period. Thursday, December 16, 2010 08:00:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  918. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  919. @a_claire I'm just going to take a wild fucking guess here and say those last two tweets are going to bite you in the ass come job-search. Thursday, December 16, 2010 08:15:33 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to a_claire
  920. Axelrod just showed me the Tron trailer. Holy fucking fuck, grown fucking adults watch that bullshit? Thursday, December 16, 2010 08:19:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  921. If Axelrod doesn't stop talking about Tron soon, I'm going to download his fucking ass into a computer for the next 25 years. Thursday, December 16, 2010 11:39:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  922. You know the best thing about James Meeks? That he fucking opens his mouth. And fucking crazy shit just rolls on out. Thursday, December 16, 2010 12:38:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  923. KenzoShibata
     
    @MayorEmanuel Why aren't you joining us tonight at the CTU Mayoral Forum? We'd love to have you-- 2260 S. Grove St. Chicago 6:00 PM 12/16 Thursday, December 16, 2010 02:52:09 PM via web
  924. @KenzoShibata just trust me when I tell you that you're looking for the other motherfucker. Thursday, December 16, 2010 02:59:29 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to KenzoShibata
  925. jewcymag
    jewcymagazine
    You're the big winner today @mayoremanuel https://su.pr/APYu0W Thursday, December 16, 2010 02:31:18 PM via TweetDeck
  926. @jewcymag wow, a mention in a list. On the internet. In-fucking-credible. Really. Thursday, December 16, 2010 03:05:07 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jewcymag
  927. Carl brought Peppermint Mochas and Axelrod drank his, but he's lactose intolerant. Now there's puke down the front of his blinky Tron suit. Thursday, December 16, 2010 03:20:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  928. Axelrod just threw his light-up Tron Frisbee through the front window. Fuck. Thursday, December 16, 2010 05:36:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  929. Standing in this line for Tron with Axelrod and Carl the Intern. These fucking light-up body suits are both demeaning and fucking cold. Thursday, December 16, 2010 08:26:07 PM via web
  930. Meeks just rolled up to the theater in like a fucking for-real lightcycle. His red suit looks amazing too. Fucking motherfuck. Thursday, December 16, 2010 08:51:48 PM via web
  931. Carol Moseley Braun just pulled up with full-sized Master Control head fucking glowing on the back of a pickup. We look like fucking chumps. Thursday, December 16, 2010 09:47:22 PM via web
  932. Gery Chico's just dressed like Gery Chico, but that's because he's seeing "Love and Other Drugs." Again. Thursday, December 16, 2010 10:01:19 PM via web
  933. KenzoShibata
     
    @MayorEmanuel We missed you at the @CTULocal1 Mayoral Forum tonight. Thursday, December 16, 2010 10:02:33 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  934. @KenzoShibata Holy fuck, I missed that shit not at all. Hope you had fun hanging out with the fucking losers that showed. Thursday, December 16, 2010 10:15:21 PM via web in reply to KenzoShibata
  935. juggernautco
    Daniel X. O'Neil
    Whoa wait a minute @MayorEmanuel: you've got an entire NYTimes newspaper box in your crawlspace? https://bit.ly/dW7iBh. You're a badass. Thursday, December 16, 2010 10:53:07 PM via TweetDeck
  936. @juggernautco no, what's badass is that they fucking deliver to it. Motherfucking daily. Thursday, December 16, 2010 11:01:31 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to juggernautco
  937. Motherfucking coffee. Sweet motherfucking relief. Friday, December 17, 2010 08:15:23 AM via web
  938. New slogan: "Don't fuck with a guy with a huge fucking crawlspace. Emanuel '11" Friday, December 17, 2010 08:37:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  939. Riding in the Civic to hook back up with Ernie Banks. Tonight we're going to fuck this town until it can't walk straight. Friday, December 17, 2010 04:30:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  940. Fuck this motherfucking week, it's motherfucking over. Friday night, bitches. Friday, December 17, 2010 04:46:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  941. chrisgeidner
    Chris Geidner
    @MayorEmanuel Not for those in DC dealing with all you couldn't get done before you left. #NewSTART #DADT #DREAMAct Friday, December 17, 2010 04:49:11 PM via Seesmic Desktop in reply to MayorEmanuel
  942. @chrisgeidner Not my fucking fault. They couldn't get it done because they're a chamber of motherfucking cocktards. Friday, December 17, 2010 04:52:26 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to chrisgeidner
  943. Ernie Banks' plan: grab his bat, pick up a case of Old Style, and hit the empties through Halpin's front window. Mr. Motherfucking Cub. Friday, December 17, 2010 05:06:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  944. You haven't lived until you've driven around with Ernie Banks hanging out your window yelling, "You just got fucked by Mr. Cub!" Friday, December 17, 2010 06:11:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  945. Ernie Banks is standing in the middle of Ashland, taking swings at cars as they drive by. Seriously considering fucking leaving him here. Friday, December 17, 2010 08:16:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  946. OK, he's standing on the roof of a cop car, trying to knock the lights off it, yelling "sunshine fucking baseball!" We're out. Friday, December 17, 2010 08:29:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  947. Motherfucking fuck this Saturday morning meeting in its motherfucking nostril. Saturday, December 18, 2010 08:57:18 AM via web
  948. Plouffe faxed in a suggestion that we "extend an olive branch" to the other candidates. The only thing I'll extend is my motherfucking cock. Saturday, December 18, 2010 09:32:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  949. AllieRaymond
     
    @MayorEmanuel Hey - Plouffe/cock tweet was actually sorta funny - you are improving! Saturday, December 18, 2010 09:45:43 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  950. @AllieRaymond the unfollow button is right over there, you stupid fucking shitbag. Saturday, December 18, 2010 09:46:47 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to AllieRaymond
  951. e_y_w
    gary
    there is "one" person you might consider following, @MayorEmanuel and that's @BarackObama ;) Saturday, December 18, 2010 11:39:40 AM via web
  952. @e_y_w the fucking fuck would the point of that be? That shit is written by a fucking part-time communications staffer. Saturday, December 18, 2010 12:23:57 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to e_y_w
  953. I'm still stunned about the Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal. Figured the Senate was going to stuff it up its ass like they do everything else. Saturday, December 18, 2010 08:41:44 PM via web
  954. That said, Carl the Intern is fucking thrilled. But he still has to wait two more years before he can enlist. Saturday, December 18, 2010 08:52:02 PM via web
  955. Christmas next weekend means fucking meetings all motherfucking day today. Fuck you, Jesus. Sunday, December 19, 2010 11:13:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  956. I would rather be nailed to a motherfucking cross than sit through another five minutes of this fucking marketing presentation. Sunday, December 19, 2010 11:18:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  957. Working on writing my last residency briefs for tomorrow. End with just "Fuck You," or "Fuck you, you fucking fucks"? Sunday, December 19, 2010 09:15:03 PM via web
  958. Fuck this--going to bed. Just signed the papers: "Suck it out of my asshole. Yours, Rahm" Sunday, December 19, 2010 09:48:35 PM via web
  959. bernhardkappe
    Bernhard Kappe
    @MayorEmanuel, is doing personal holiday greetings for Chicagoans part of your strategy for winning? Willing to contribute quid pro quo. Monday, December 20, 2010 09:28:56 AM via Twitter for iPad
  960. @bernhardkappe I'm not your dancing fucking monkey. Monday, December 20, 2010 09:38:01 AM via web in reply to bernhardkappe
  961. Axelrod's Civic had its stereo stolen over the summer. Now the radio he lugs around is stuck on the fucking Christmas songs station. Fuck. Monday, December 20, 2010 09:41:19 AM via web
  962. Turned in the last paperwork: Seventeen xeroxes of my cock and three of my asshole. Plus my signature. Done. With. This. Shit. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:00:23 AM via web
  963. SamAbernethy
    Samantha
    So @mayoremanuel, I'm wondering how you got that NYT vending machine for your crawl space. Because that's awesome: https://trunc.it/diwue Monday, December 20, 2010 10:32:11 AM via tGadget
  964. @SamAbernethy no, what's awesome is that they fucking deliver to it. Daily. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:45:01 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  965. New office. Carl wired the fucking phones wrong, so the calls are for the curry place down the block. Axelrod's tandoori is amazing. Phew. Monday, December 20, 2010 11:50:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  966. Axelrod's been driving around delivering curry all day, so Carl and I have spent the day playing a fucking wicked game of foosball. Monday, December 20, 2010 05:01:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  967. ChuckGoudie
    Chuck Goudie
    In Rahm's run for Chicago mayor, #Twitter is peppered with some salacious sites: @MayorEmanuel, @MayorRahm. Column: https://bit.ly/eUO3BK Monday, December 20, 2010 05:23:02 PM via web
  968. @ChuckGoudie Holy fuck, someone paid you to write that bullshit? Monday, December 20, 2010 05:36:14 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChuckGoudie
  969. Axelrod just called from "the weathercenter" (what the fucking fuck) to tell us that it's snowing. He pulled over to put snow tires on. Monday, December 20, 2010 05:57:44 PM via web
  970. litescript
    Peter Brown
    @MayorEmanuel axelrod has a tire-mounting machine with him at all times? duly impressed. Monday, December 20, 2010 05:59:05 PM via tGadget in reply to MayorEmanuel
  971. @litescript the man does not fucking fuck around. Monday, December 20, 2010 06:01:16 PM via web in reply to litescript
  972. I'm all for motherfucking winter safety, but Axelrod had better get here with the Chicken Tikka we ordered before kickoff. Monday, December 20, 2010 06:37:45 PM via web
  973. Motherfucking Chicago fucking Bears fucking football. Fuck yes. Monday, December 20, 2010 08:17:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  974. Hey Farve, welcome to motherfucking Chicago. Monday, December 20, 2010 08:41:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  975. Halftime and Axelrod's not back with our Chicken Tikka. Still has 15 deliveries to go. All Carl knows how to make are Hot Pockets. Fuck. Monday, December 20, 2010 09:14:26 PM via web
  976. Saney
    Sean Cooper
    @MayorEmanuel They're playing in MN. Monday, December 20, 2010 09:38:00 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  977. @Saney Wow, who died and made you John fucking Madden? Monday, December 20, 2010 09:39:20 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Saney
  978. Axelrod just called. The Civic spun out on Elston. With our fucking chicken. Fucking motherfuck these fucking football snacks. Monday, December 20, 2010 09:59:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  979. Axelrod got the Civic unstuck. Bring that motherfucking chicken home. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:27:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  980. Post-season, you glorious motherfucking motherfuckers. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:40:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  981. Axelrod just showed up. 39 seconds to enjoy this fucking chicken. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:43:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  982. Going to pound a beer and txt Favre a picture of my dick. Bears fuck yes. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:46:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  983. Holy Jesus fucking Christ, I just threw my back out shoveling that 800 pound snow. Fuck fucking motherfuckers. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 08:02:56 AM via web
  984. stringbot
    Josh Davison
    @MayorEmanuel but you live in a condo Tuesday, December 21, 2010 08:56:57 AM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  985. @stringbot I'm trying to be motherfucking neighborly. Serves me fucking right. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 09:09:50 AM via web in reply to stringbot
  986. rhondarobinett
    Rhonda Robinett
    haha- Chuck Goudie reports today @MayorEmanuel is"likely an impostor, representing itself as genuine" DUH. There's hard hitting journalism Tuesday, December 21, 2010 10:33:31 AM via web
  987. @rhondarobinett Goudie is an impressively stupid motherfucker. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 11:13:10 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to rhondarobinett
  988. Holy fucking fuck, I took way too many muscle relaxers for my back. I feel like fucking Gumby. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 12:07:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  989. Spent the entire day flat on my back tripping on muscle relaxers and not giving a fuck about any fucking thing. It's been fucking glorious. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 08:05:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  990. urbancasita
    megan 'may' jeyifo
    Just read the last month of @MayorEmanuel's tweets aloud to The Mister. I can't stop laughing. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 08:47:05 PM via Echofon
  991. @urbancasita Jesus fucking Christ, whatever happened to foreplay? Tuesday, December 21, 2010 09:35:40 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to urbancasita
  992. Hey Chico--bend the fuck over, you fucking shitbag. Welcome to the campaign. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 08:44:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  993. Seriously, who the fuck releases their tax returns when they know they're filled with lobbying cash? You dumb fucking fuck. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 08:50:54 AM via Seesmic for Android
  994. Carl's stepmom just gave all of us tickets to the Nutcracker Ballet tonight. First off: What the fuck. Second off: Should be me on stage. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 03:14:49 PM via web
  995. Busy day driving Axelrod's Civic by other candidate's offices, pelting them with snowballs and yelling "43 points, bitches!" Wednesday, December 22, 2010 03:22:02 PM via web
  996. I'm going to be spending the next two hours figuring out what to wear to the ballet. Nothing is goddamn good enough for those people. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 04:41:23 PM via web
  997. Seriously, you try and try and try, and the Joffrey motherfucking Ballet just fucking judges you anyway. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 05:02:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  998. Axelrod just showed up dressed in a fucking tuxedo t-shirt. "Let's get this fun over with." Wednesday, December 22, 2010 05:34:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  999. I went with the straight black tux, tie, and shirt. Black Swan, motherfuckers. Let's do this fucking ballet. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 06:34:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1000. Five minutes in, Axelrod's already fucking snoring. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 07:05:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1001. Who the fuck is playing Drosselmeyer? He needs to hang up the motherfucking tights. Amateur fucking hour. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 07:17:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1002. Seriously, Clara may as well just pull down her tutu and take a shit on the stage. Would be more elegant than her dancing. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 07:29:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1003. It's pliƩ, degagƩ, motherfucking balancƩ, you fucking cows. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 07:39:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1004. I would rather rim James Meeks' asshole than have to endure another minute watching the Mouse King waddle around. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 07:52:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1005. You call that a motherfucking sugar plum fairy? Wednesday, December 22, 2010 08:09:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1006. mcmamasita
     
    @MayorEmanuel Ballet = expensive nap Wednesday, December 22, 2010 08:16:41 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1007. @mcmamasita fuck you, you stupid motherfucker. Ballet = life. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 08:21:43 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to mcmamasita
  1008. Back when I danced, the Joffrey Ballet meant something. Now it apparently means fat fucking fucks floundering around a stage. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 09:52:48 PM via web
  1009. Now I know why they call it the Nutcracker-I feel like my nuts have been fucking cracked in goddamn half. Wake up Axelrod, this shit is over Wednesday, December 22, 2010 09:54:55 PM via web
  1010. ELIGIBLE. Choke on that, you motherfucking bitches. Thursday, December 23, 2010 06:31:58 AM via web
  1011. Been drinking Irish Coffees since two in the morning celebrating this residency shit. Fuck all the motherfucking haters. Thursday, December 23, 2010 07:52:04 AM via web
  1012. All you motherfuckers can stick your motherfucking objections up your ass. RESIDENT, bitch. Thursday, December 23, 2010 08:36:06 AM via web
  1013. Those stupid fucking objectors had to submit their home addresses. Think they'll be getting a visit from the ghost of christmas yet to come. Thursday, December 23, 2010 08:45:12 AM via web
  1014. Fuck yes two times, bitches. Thursday, December 23, 2010 11:56:36 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1015. It's no Christmas fucking miracle, it's a Christmas fucking fact. As real as the motherfucking virgin birth. Believe! Thursday, December 23, 2010 12:20:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1016. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1017. @gofiliberto No kidding, huh? Who the fuck died and made you the Talmud? Thursday, December 23, 2010 12:51:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to gofiliberto
  1018. I feel like a new man. Sent a street boy to fetch the prize turkey. "What, the one as big as me?" No, dumbfuck, the tiny one. Thursday, December 23, 2010 12:54:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1019. gofiliberto
    Filiberto Gonzalez
    @MayorEmanuel This is too easy. If you're older than 22, I feel sorry for you. -Shalom Thursday, December 23, 2010 01:02:11 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1020. @gofiliberto At some point, you'll stop and say, "Holy fuck, I'm the fucking guy arguing religion with a fake Twitter account." Thursday, December 23, 2010 01:15:52 PM via web in reply to gofiliberto
  1021. TheAtlanticWire
    The Atlantic Wire
    Rahm Emanuel Clears Big Ballot Hurdle: https://theatln.tc/fYQuQz cc @MayorEmanuel Thursday, December 23, 2010 01:40:02 PM via HootSuite
  1022. @TheAtlanticWire it was a low fucking hurdle Thursday, December 23, 2010 01:45:14 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to TheAtlanticWire
  1023. Major upside of this residency bullshit being over: I can stop being folksy at your motherfucking El stops. Thursday, December 23, 2010 03:43:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1024. Hey Meeks, too bad your ass got sacked. Thursday, December 23, 2010 04:43:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1025. Axelrod and I had a great James Meeks drinking game. Take a shot when he said stupid shit. Could fuck you up in seconds. Thursday, December 23, 2010 05:09:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1026. Without Meeks, this race got even fucking boringer. I'm going to be fucking catatonic by motherfucking February. Thursday, December 23, 2010 05:18:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1027. Last few hours to be like Meeks and get the fuck out of this race. Stay in and I will make the next two months of your life a living hell. Thursday, December 23, 2010 08:33:43 PM via web
  1028. Plouffe has us out here freezing our fucking asses off bell ringing on State Street. We have a bet going to see who raises the most. Friday, December 24, 2010 10:07:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1029. Right now, Axelrod, Carl the Intern and I are getting fucking creamed by the motherfucking bucket drummer kids. Fuck this shit. Friday, December 24, 2010 10:30:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1030. Axelrod ducked into the bathroom and came out dressed as one of those silver robot guys. He's going to raise a fucking fortune. Friday, December 24, 2010 11:56:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1031. Axelrod must have 100 fucking people crowded around him. I need to step it up here. Sending Carl the Intern to the Christmas tree lot. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:15:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1032. 4danlopez
    Dan Lopez
    What do you want for Christmas @MayorEmanuel? Friday, December 24, 2010 12:16:26 PM via ƜberTwitter in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1033. @4danlopez fifty-one motherfucking percent. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:18:41 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to 4danlopez
  1034. etc_etera
    Evan Case
    .@MayorEmanuel ONLY fifty-one motherfucking percent? Aiming low? Friday, December 24, 2010 12:19:41 PM via TweetDeck
  1035. @etc_etera I'm just being fucking generous. It's fucking Christmas. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:23:59 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to etc_etera
  1036. Carl's back from the tree lot. He bought the shittiest tree ever. Hung one ornament and it bent. What a fucking blockhead. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:40:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1037. Jankowski60
    John
    @MayorEmanuel Rahmbo... I thought you are a Jew? Friday, December 24, 2010 12:42:46 PM via Mobile Web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1038. @Jankowski60 pretty sure a guy can ring a fucking bell on goddamn Christmas Eve and not find his foreskin magically reattached. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:55:08 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Jankowski60
  1039. Goddamn it, that's it: I'm paying the fucking bucket-drummer kids $500 an hour to drum for me. Fuck you, Robot Axelrod. Friday, December 24, 2010 01:14:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1040. Final haul from bell ringing: Carl brought in $22. 73; Robot Axelrod, $271.58; my drummer boys, $321.93. They cost $2k. Fucking Christmas. Friday, December 24, 2010 05:16:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1041. Merry motherfucking Christmas, you stupid fucking fucks. Saturday, December 25, 2010 08:14:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1042. The only thing open in this fucking city is a motherfucking CVS. Axelrod, Carl the Intern and I have been wandering the aisles for hours. Saturday, December 25, 2010 09:20:23 PM via web
  1043. I'm trying to convince Axelrod that we should buy a bottle of Nair and just fucking obliterate his mustache. Saturday, December 25, 2010 09:41:30 PM via web
  1044. We've loaded up our cart with every fucking "As Seen on TV" piece of shit they have here. Snuggies for motherfucking everyone. Saturday, December 25, 2010 09:45:10 PM via web
  1045. Jankowski60
    John
    @MayorEmanuel Don't forget the nacho flavored Doritos! Saturday, December 25, 2010 09:44:04 PM via Mobile Web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1046. @Jankowski60 Fuck that. Went with the Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger flavor. Fucking incredible. Saturday, December 25, 2010 09:46:23 PM via web in reply to Jankowski60
  1047. Bought every bottle of lube in the store and are going to coat Davis's office sidewalk with them. Slip and slide, motherfucker. Saturday, December 25, 2010 10:04:12 PM via web
  1048. After that, we're going to head home, do Benadryl shots and play motherfucking Uno. Christmas fucking sucks. Saturday, December 25, 2010 10:09:23 PM via web
  1049. Motherfucking Benadryl hangover. Fuck. Sunday, December 26, 2010 08:50:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1050. Motherfuck this snow right in its motherfucking lake effect ass. Sunday, December 26, 2010 09:05:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1051. Axelrod is a motherfucking parking-space shoveling artist. They should hang his fucking shovel in the Art Institute. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:07:03 AM via web
  1052. He's marked his space with 14 lawn chairs, an ironing board, and a pyramid of milk crates. He'll fucking shank someone if they move them. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:09:37 AM via web
  1053. maureenjohnson
     
    @MayorEmanuel Did you enjoy your Christmas, Mr. Mayor? Did you get anything good? Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:09:58 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1054. @maureenjohnson I'm fucking Jewish, you stupid fucking fuck. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:12:23 AM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  1055. maureenjohnson
     
    @MayorEmanuel My apologies, sir. I thought people might give you things anyway, as people are idiots. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:14:19 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1056. @maureenjohnson they know fucking better. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:15:37 AM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  1057. maureenjohnson
     
    @MayorEmanuel Indeed they should, sir. Thank you for your time, Mr. Mayor. I hope no one fucking bothers you for the rest of the day. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:16:43 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1058. @maureenjohnson that's not fucking likely. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:17:28 AM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  1059. Carl the Intern's stepmother just stopped by to drop off an extra pair of snowpants for him. She parked in Axelrod's space. Fuck. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:34:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1060. Axelrod just pulled up, jumped out of his car and keyed "FUCK YOU IN THE ASS" into the hood of her Escalade. Shit. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:38:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1061. 4danlopez
    Dan Lopez
    @MayorEmanuel A REAL chicagoan would have placed a chair in that space. Hmmm... Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:38:03 AM via ƜberTwitter in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1062. @4danlopez it's not my fucking job to catch you up on shit you didn't read. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:39:25 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to 4danlopez
  1063. Hey, New York, you just got fucked by the motherfucking Chicago fucking Bears. Sunday, December 26, 2010 03:22:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1064. Holy fucking fuck, someone get me a fucking cup of fucking coffee right fucking now. Monday, December 27, 2010 08:36:32 AM via web
  1065. Off to the Millenium Park ice rink. I'm going to show some motherfuckers what the motherfucking Russian Splits are all about. Monday, December 27, 2010 12:29:36 PM via web
  1066. This motherfucking cold weather makes me realize that Axelrod really need to up his fucking knowledge of hot liquor drinks. Monday, December 27, 2010 08:48:39 PM via web
  1067. Spent most of the night last night dumping buckets of water on Gery Chico's car. It's a motherfucking ice cube now. Tuesday, December 28, 2010 10:18:02 AM via web
  1068. This time between Christmas and New Years' may as well be renamed "Who Really Gives a Fuck Week." Tuesday, December 28, 2010 01:39:42 PM via web
  1069. Whoever is advising Davis is doing a motherfucking incredible job. Keep up the fucking fantastic work. Tuesday, December 28, 2010 08:26:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1070. Jesus fucking Christ, there is not enough motherfucking coffee in the whole fucking world this morning. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 07:33:27 AM via web
  1071. We're bringing every motherfucking distant fucking relative of Bill Clinton to town, just to make Davis's head explode. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 08:09:20 AM via web
  1072. If your last name even rhymes with Clinton, you're getting a call from Carl the Intern and a ticket to Chicago on the fucking Greyhound. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 08:11:21 AM via web
  1073. We've got a guy named Phil Clinton and another guy named Bill Kimpton on the motherfucking Megabus as we speak. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 08:29:30 AM via web
  1074. Braun, if you want to get in on this bullshit too, know that we've got Hilary Rodman-Klinkton on motherfucking speed dial. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 08:32:38 AM via web
  1075. BujeBaby
    The Real Me
    @MayorEmanuel Don't flame me. On vacation; behind on real news. What is the Clinton/Davis connection? Wednesday, December 29, 2010 08:34:39 AM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1076. @BujeBaby Clearly you have access to this amazing fucking thing called the Internet, right? Try fucking using it. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 08:36:30 AM via web in reply to BujeBaby
  1077. Holy fuck! It's actually above motherfucking freezing outside right now. Axelrod's in his fucking Speedo. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 11:18:56 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1078. Motherfucking melt this fucking snow, you motherfucking southernly breeze. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 12:55:21 PM via web
  1079. If it gets above 40 tomorrow I'm putting on a fireproof suit, jumping in a spaceship, and flying up to fuck the glorious sun. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 01:29:32 PM via web
  1080. scarpetablog
    Sharna Marcus
    @MayorEmanuel It's in the 70s in Israel. :) Wednesday, December 29, 2010 01:30:28 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1081. @scarpetablog and that helps me fucking how exactly? Wednesday, December 29, 2010 01:31:16 PM via web in reply to scarpetablog
  1082. jsundmanus
    john sundman
    @georgevhulme As @mayoremanuel would say, you better know my motherfucking name! I goddamn built this fucking city on rock and roll. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 07:37:51 PM via web in reply to georgevhulme
  1083. @jsundmanus I guarantee you that I would never motherfucking say that. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 09:12:03 PM via web in reply to jsundmanus
  1084. Fuck these Angry Birds right in their motherfucking feathered fucking vents. Thursday, December 30, 2010 08:04:32 AM via web
  1085. litescript
    Peter Brown
    @MayorEmanuel get the intern to round up a bunch of pigeons. Then play real-life angry birds/angry people. Thursday, December 30, 2010 08:07:44 AM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1086. @litescript what a stupid fucking idea. Thursday, December 30, 2010 08:09:32 AM via web in reply to litescript
  1087. Seriously, Carl the Intern left his iPod Touch here and I've been up most of the fucking night playing it. It is motherfucking maddening. Thursday, December 30, 2010 08:10:34 AM via web
  1088. They give you these motherfucking exploding fucking birds, but then they surround the goddamn pigs with fucking stone blocks? Fuck! Thursday, December 30, 2010 10:16:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1089. These motherfucking egg dropping birds are fucking driving me fucking crazy. How the fucking fuck am I supposed to control this shit? Thursday, December 30, 2010 11:41:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1090. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this motherfucking green pig fortress bullshit. Thursday, December 30, 2010 12:35:02 PM via web
  1091. These fucking boomerang birds might as well be flying up my own motherfucking asshole for all the fucking help they are. Thursday, December 30, 2010 01:52:09 PM via web
  1092. thomascbowen
    Thomas C. Bowen
    @MayorEmanuel if you think the egg dropping birds suck, wait till you get the boomerang pelicans. Thursday, December 30, 2010 01:57:31 PM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1093. @thomascbowen Oh, I'm motherfucking right fucking there right fucking now. Fuck these fucking things. Thursday, December 30, 2010 01:59:41 PM via web in reply to thomascbowen
  1094. KosherHam
    KosherHam.com
    @mayoremanuel are you playing #angrybirds again? Thursday, December 30, 2010 01:59:42 PM via HootSuite in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1095. @KosherHam Again? I've been fucking playing since 10:38 last night. Thursday, December 30, 2010 02:00:16 PM via web in reply to KosherHam
  1096. KosherHam
    KosherHam.com
    @mayoremanuel we think you should be sportin this fuckin chicago fuckin flag tee-- https://ow.ly/3whLw Thursday, December 30, 2010 02:03:10 PM via HootSuite in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1097. @KosherHam fuck you and your stupid fucking novelty T-shirt. Thursday, December 30, 2010 02:04:43 PM via web in reply to KosherHam
  1098. These giant bowling ball red birds would be motherfucking amazing if this whole game wasn't fucking me in the ass right now. Thursday, December 30, 2010 03:09:36 PM via web
  1099. How many fucking levels are in this motherfucking game? Eight-fucking-thousand? Fuck. Thursday, December 30, 2010 04:16:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1100. I've been awake since 7:45 yesterday morning, and have been playing Angry Birds for the last 19 hours. I fucking hate everything. Thursday, December 30, 2010 05:25:18 PM via web
  1101. All I want right now is a motherfucking cheeseburger and to claw my goddamn eyes out. Instead I'm fucking flinging these fucking birds. Thursday, December 30, 2010 05:29:04 PM via web
  1102. Axelrod just stormed into my room, stomped on the iPod, left and locked the door. He left a bucket behind--the fuck is that for? Thursday, December 30, 2010 06:30:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1103. Axelrod and Carl are sitting outside my door, saying "We're doing this because we love you." Fuck them. I NEED MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRDS. Thursday, December 30, 2010 09:46:57 PM via web
  1104. Also, I really need them to come and empty my motherfucking bucket. Because that shit is fucking full to the top. Thursday, December 30, 2010 09:47:37 PM via web
  1105. birds... birds... birds.... bird... fuck Thursday, December 30, 2010 11:28:59 PM via web
  1106. Motherfucking sweet fucking coffee, there is nothing in the world better than you. Except maybe liquor. Or vaginas. Friday, December 31, 2010 08:14:18 AM via web
  1107. New Years Eve, I am going to bust you the fuck open. Friday, December 31, 2010 09:23:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1108. Axelrod's walking around wearing these fucking huge 2011 novelty glasses and his Speedo. "I'm the Baby fucking New Year." Friday, December 31, 2010 10:38:40 AM via web
  1109. Carl the Intern's stepmom is out of town, so the party's at his house tonight you motherfuckers. Friday, December 31, 2010 12:45:49 PM via web
  1110. Penny Pritzker just called. Her chef is mixing up some homebrew Four Loko for the party tonight. Motherfucking double caffeine. Friday, December 31, 2010 02:05:43 PM via web
  1111. Ernie Banks keeps popping up on the Caller ID, but we're all trying to avoid him. Motherfucker can not hold his liquor. Friday, December 31, 2010 02:13:36 PM via web
  1112. Oh fuck: "Hey you stupid fucking asshole, guess who flew into town?" It's Ari. He's here. Friday, December 31, 2010 02:16:57 PM via web
  1113. Ari brought guests: Kanye West, three Victoria's Secret models he calls "the underpants twins," and Helen Mirren. Helen's already drunk. Friday, December 31, 2010 03:35:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1114. Kanye brought his green bean casserole. Again. "I brought it because it's fucking delicious." Friday, December 31, 2010 03:39:08 PM via web
  1115. Carl's starting to get nervous about hosting the party. Doesn't help that Helen Mirren keeps trying to give him a backrub. "Jusht relacsh." Friday, December 31, 2010 03:55:27 PM via web
  1116. Samurai Mike Singletary just called to find out if it's OK if he brings a dessert instead of a side salad. Fuck. Friday, December 31, 2010 04:06:40 PM via web
  1117. Vince Vaughn just called to say he couldn't make it. Which is weird, because he wasn't invited, because he's a boring motherfucker. Friday, December 31, 2010 04:13:48 PM via web
  1118. Jeff Tweedy brought Pictionary. This party is going to get fucking insane. New Years motherfucking Eve. Friday, December 31, 2010 04:45:51 PM via web
  1119. Holy fucking fuck: Jane motherfucking Byrne just showed up. "This isn't a goddamn endorsement kid, I just need to party." Friday, December 31, 2010 05:53:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1120. NUMBER ONE ON THE MOTHERFUCKING BALLOT, BITCHES. Friday, December 31, 2010 07:36:51 PM via web
  1121. Danny Davis just showed up. "Fuck this mayoral shit, I'm here to party!" He's doing body shots off Helen Mirren. Fuck yes. Friday, December 31, 2010 08:01:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1122. It turns out Danny Davis is fucking awesome. He and Tweedy are signing "Islands in the Stream" together on the Karaoke machine. Friday, December 31, 2010 09:24:34 PM via web
  1123. Also: Davis makes a fucking amazing drink called "the Leviathan." It's vodka, whiskey, strawberry yogurt, and peppermint schnapps. Friday, December 31, 2010 09:32:10 PM via web
  1124. Kanye and Nobel Laureate Dale Mortensen have been playing beer pong against the Underpants Twins for like two fucking hours. Friday, December 31, 2010 10:10:28 PM via web
  1125. Motherfuck: Ari just lit Carl's stepmom's underwear drawer on fire. Friday, December 31, 2010 10:12:12 PM via web
  1126. Helen Mirren's fired up the motherfucking grill on the balcony. "Whip out your meat and I'll grill that shit." Friday, December 31, 2010 10:37:34 PM via web
  1127. Penny just showed up with her homebrew Four Loko. Davis is downing the tropical fucking punch flavor. Watch the fuck out. Friday, December 31, 2010 10:44:15 PM via web
  1128. Happy New Year, you stupid motherfuckers. 2011 is my goddamn year. But I'll let you borrow it from time to time. Saturday, January 1, 2011 12:03:20 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1129. Holy fuck. Apparently 2011 is going to start with a hangover the size of the motherfucking Sears Tower. Saturday, January 1, 2011 09:25:19 AM via web
  1130. Thank fucking god: Carl's got coffee going and Kanye's making eggs for everyone. "My bacon scrambler is fucking incredible." Saturday, January 1, 2011 09:42:04 AM via web
  1131. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1132. @nic_fisher you should know only assholes call it that. Saturday, January 1, 2011 10:10:05 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to nic_fisher
  1133. mdm219
     
    ā€œ@MayorEmanuel: Holy fuck. Apparently 2011 is going to start with a hangover the size of the motherfucking Sears Tower.ā€ WILLIS TOWER!!!!!! Saturday, January 1, 2011 12:02:39 PM via Twitter for iPhone
  1134. @mdm219 You know who calls it that? Stupid motherfuckers and tourists. Which one are you? Saturday, January 1, 2011 12:03:29 PM via web in reply to mdm219
  1135. Jesus fucking Christ: Nobody can get Danny Davis to leave. He's just fucking lying around on the couch watching cartoons. Saturday, January 1, 2011 06:07:05 PM via web
  1136. Need. More. Motherfucking. Coffee. Sunday, January 2, 2011 08:31:53 AM via web
  1137. We are swimming in motherfucking chicken wings over here. This fucking Bears game is fucking on. Sunday, January 2, 2011 03:34:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1138. Someone wake me up when they start playing fucking football. Sunday, January 2, 2011 03:58:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1139. This boring fucking game can suck on my motherfucking nuts. Sunday, January 2, 2011 05:27:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1140. jcgreenx
    Jimmy Greenfield
    This fake twitter account jumped the shark. RT @MayorEmanuel: This boring fucking game can suck on my motherfucking nuts. Sunday, January 2, 2011 05:29:08 PM via ƜberTwitter
  1141. @jcgreenx the unfollow button is right over there, asshat. Sunday, January 2, 2011 05:30:43 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jcgreenx
  1142. Axelrod just about choked to death on a chicken wing after that motherfucking Packers touchdown. Fuck. Sunday, January 2, 2011 05:32:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1143. Fuck the motherfucking Green Bay fucking Packers. Sunday, January 2, 2011 06:06:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1144. All-day meeting and someone ate all the motherfucking crullers? Fuck this shit. Monday, January 3, 2011 07:53:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1145. Main point of discussion: how little of a fuck do we give about Braun? Axelrod says a cock's-length. I say a twat's-hair. Monday, January 3, 2011 08:22:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1146. New slogan: "Because this list of candidates keeps getting shittier: Emanuel '11" Monday, January 3, 2011 04:17:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1147. The best part of the next six weeks is going to be watching Carol Moseley Braun slowly fucking self-destruct. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 09:41:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1148. Just for fucking fun, I'm going to release my tax returns dating all the way back to motherfucking Arby's. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 09:42:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1149. madelynV
    MadelynV
    @MayorEmanuel Say it ain't so... who else will provide me with inappropriate political-entertainment tweets? Tuesday, January 4, 2011 09:20:01 AM via web
  1150. @madelynV the fucking fuck are you on about? Tuesday, January 4, 2011 09:42:52 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to madelynV
  1151. madelynV
    MadelynV
    @MayorEmanuel local Fox ticker said you'd quit - they have fixed... Tuesday, January 4, 2011 09:48:28 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1152. @madelynV if you're fucking stupid enough to watch Fox News, then you get what you fucking deserve. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 09:49:51 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to madelynV
  1153. Carl the Intern's at the circuit court with three pounds of my shit in ziplock bags. He's tossing 'em if the verdict comes in wrong. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 10:06:12 AM via web
  1154. Driving in Axelrod's Civic. He had to pull over because "I'll Be There," came on. We'll be here for an hour while he cries. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 12:18:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1155. RESIDENT THREE TIMES, BITCHES. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 01:24:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1156. You motherfuckers want to appeal this shit, go right the fuck ahead. We're on the motherfucking winning streak to beat. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 01:42:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1157. We're taking this motherfucking winning streak to the motherfucking boats. Those fucking nickel slots won't know what fucking hit 'em. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 01:56:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1158. Won $78.35 at the boats. Going to convert it all to quarters and cram each one up Burt Odelson's motherfucking urethra. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 04:28:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1159. sodboy13
    Mike Pries
    @MayorEmanuel So what will you do with the leftover dime? Help pay off one of Braun's four mortgages? Tuesday, January 4, 2011 04:41:25 PM via web
  1160. @sodboy13 the dime is his motherfucking tip. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 04:46:20 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to sodboy13
  1161. I'm so excited to read Braun's tax returns tomorrow that I feel like a motherfucking kid on fucking Christmas goddamn Eve. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 07:45:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1162. @kwithk depends if it's for business or personal use, dumbfuck. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 08:49:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1163. mdm219
     
    @MayorEmanuel why the fuck do you want to put ads on city busses and fucking taxis? Stop being a homo Tuesday, January 4, 2011 08:59:00 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1164. @mdm219 have you looked at the completely fucked state of the fucking budget? We'll be putting ads on your asshole before its balanced. Tuesday, January 4, 2011 10:04:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to mdm219
  1165. Fucking goddamn motherfuck, I fucking need fucking coffee so motherfucking badly. Wednesday, January 5, 2011 08:26:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1166. Staging dramatic readings of Carol Moseley Braun's tax returns. Carl's playing the part of "What the fuck were you thinking?" Wednesday, January 5, 2011 10:19:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1167. Axelrod is in tears, he's laughing so fucking hard. "Do the part again where she made no money in 2009." Wednesday, January 5, 2011 10:44:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1168. Been trying to think of something nice to say about Bill Daley: His bald head is fucking magnificent. Too bad about the rest of him. Wednesday, January 5, 2011 04:29:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1169. SamAbernethy
    Samantha
    Rahm Emanuel is shaking hands at the Quincy brown line stop. I'm sure @mayoremanuel is getting sick of that by now Wednesday, January 5, 2011 05:33:47 PM via Twitter for Android
  1170. @SamAbernethy do you fucking think? Wednesday, January 5, 2011 05:37:10 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  1171. Axelrod just made breakfast. "I call it the Bacon Palace." My heart's going to fucking stop. Thursday, January 6, 2011 07:43:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1172. Great. Now Bill Daley keeps calling. He wants me to help pack his motherfucking U-Haul. Fuck. Thursday, January 6, 2011 01:31:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1173. "Rahm, it's Bill. Since I've got your old job, and you're getting my brother's old job, I think you can help move these book boxes." Fuck. Thursday, January 6, 2011 02:52:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1174. Fourteen motherfucking voicemails like that. I'm tossing this fucking phone in the lake. Thursday, January 6, 2011 02:53:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1175. In Axelrod's Civic on the way over to Bill Daley's place to help him move. He'd better have motherfucking donuts. Friday, January 7, 2011 07:55:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1176. Daley moved some couch cushions, then started taking fucking calls. "I've gotta get this. Can you move that cast-iron stove?" Friday, January 7, 2011 09:20:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1177. Bill motherfucking Daley must have a thousand fucking book boxes. My fucking back is going to be so fucking fucked. Friday, January 7, 2011 09:41:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1178. Guess who just had to "duck out on Presidential business," right as we were starting to move his fucking free weights. Friday, January 7, 2011 10:06:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1179. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1180. @moghza he rented a fucking U-Haul, dumbshit. Friday, January 7, 2011 10:43:38 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to moghza
  1181. Daley's fucking sea glass collection has to have each fucking piece individually fucking wrapped, first in tissue, then in bubble wrap. Friday, January 7, 2011 11:46:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1182. Motherfuck. Bill just came in and had a shitfit because it was supposed to be two motherfucking layers of tissue. Rewrapping now. Friday, January 7, 2011 12:16:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1183. Daley's got all his clothes packed in giant motherfucking steamer trunks, like he's setting sail on the motherfucking Titanic. Friday, January 7, 2011 01:31:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1184. This motherfucking piano is not going to fit in the motherfucking truck. Friday, January 7, 2011 02:00:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1185. We've had to repack this motherfucking truck twice. And the whole fucking time, Bill has been on his fucking phone. Friday, January 7, 2011 05:04:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1186. He keeps giving me this "You know how it goes" shrug. And I keep giving him a "Fuck you, you fucking fuck" glare right back. Friday, January 7, 2011 05:07:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1187. Fuck all this fucking shit. It's Friday motherfucking night. Let's fucking go. Friday, January 7, 2011 05:37:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1188. Holy fucking fuck. I'm sitting in this goddamn massage chair all fucking day. Fuck you if you think I'm moving an inch. Saturday, January 8, 2011 08:39:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1189. Motherfuck these tea party fuckholes. For fucking real. Saturday, January 8, 2011 04:37:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1190. SamAbernethy
    Samantha
    My favorite part of @thepapermachete was when @ourmaninchicago called @mayoremanuel a "Jewish George Clooney." Saturday, January 8, 2011 05:50:31 PM via Twitter for Android
  1191. @SamAbernethy @ourmaninchicago the fucking fuck does that even fucking mean? Saturday, January 8, 2011 06:03:29 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  1192. ourmaninchicago
    Scott Smith
    @MayorEmanuel @samabernethy C'mon jackhole: don't act like you didn't consider that for your Twitter bio. Saturday, January 8, 2011 06:29:06 PM via Twitter for iPad in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1193. @ourmaninchicago @samabernethy I see a resemblance, but he's nowhere near motherfucking pretty enough. Saturday, January 8, 2011 06:40:33 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ourmaninchicago
  1194. Axelrod plays a game called "bagel king" where you toss a bagel at his finger. If it lands on it, he eats it. He's eaten fucking eight. Sunday, January 9, 2011 09:53:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1195. Jesus fucking Christ. I have been locked in a walk-in meat cooler most of the motherfucking day. My cock is frozen fucking solid. Sunday, January 9, 2011 05:06:06 PM via web
  1196. I'm not even going to dignify how it fucking happened, but fuck me if I'm ever helping Axelrod cook a roast again. Sunday, January 9, 2011 05:09:58 PM via web
  1197. mdm219
     
    ā€œ@MayorEmanuel: fuck me if I'm ever helping Axelrod cook a roast again.ā€ Serves you right u should of had fried chicken with Jesse Jackson Sunday, January 9, 2011 05:19:31 PM via Twitter for iPhone
  1198. @mdm219 The fuck are you talking about? That guy eats almost nothing but duck confit. Sunday, January 9, 2011 05:25:20 PM via web in reply to mdm219
  1199. Jesus fucking Christ, waiting for this fucking coffee to brew might just motherfucking kill me. Monday, January 10, 2011 07:48:55 AM via web
  1200. Certainly Crains Chicago motherfucking Business has more to write about than fucking me. Don't the Groupon guys need their diapers changed? Monday, January 10, 2011 08:02:24 AM via web
  1201. The best part about the new "People's Poll" that's out is that 98% of the "people" are just Carl the Intern fucking around. Monday, January 10, 2011 09:20:33 AM via web
  1202. Fucking Christ, Axelrod found a puppy underneath the L tracks today. He named him "Hambone" and has been talking in fucking baby talk since. Monday, January 10, 2011 01:49:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1203. This entire afternoon meeting has been taken up by Axelrod talking like he's the fucking puppy. Monday, January 10, 2011 03:28:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1204. That said, Hambone is fucking sharp. Really good debate advice. Someone get him a fucking Scooby Snack. Monday, January 10, 2011 03:32:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1205. Turns out Hambone is a motherfucking shitting machine. Heading out to "inaugurate" Chico's new offices. Monday, January 10, 2011 05:33:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1206. Hey Chico, you just got motherfucking Hamboned. Monday, January 10, 2011 06:13:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1207. subliculous
    the real liz rudolph
    @MayorEmanuel that's not all Hambone is. you'll find out. :| Monday, January 10, 2011 05:44:07 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1208. @subliculous if you mean fucking adorable, we've already figured that out. Monday, January 10, 2011 06:24:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to subliculous
  1209. Machines4Chico
     
    If you had the support of The Machine @MayorEmanuel, we could give you a new middle finger in return for political favors. #ChicagoMayor Monday, January 10, 2011 06:58:31 PM via web
  1210. @Machines4Chico fuck you and your stupid fucking fake account. Monday, January 10, 2011 07:10:29 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Machines4Chico
  1211. Motherfucking mother of god, whoever the fuck thought snow was a good idea today is fucking dead to me. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 07:33:04 AM via web
  1212. Great. This fucking puppy is scared of the motherfucking snow. He's pissed all over the floor. Hambone sleeps in the fucking Civic tonight. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 07:46:21 AM via web
  1213. RexRedbone
    Not Tom MannisThanks
    @MayorEmanuel Good fucking thing I live in Cook County where could we have so much fun with a New Fucking Mayor Tuesday, January 11, 2011 08:34:12 AM via TweetDeck in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1214. @RexRedbone cook county doesn't have a mayor, you dumb fucking fuck. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 08:48:53 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to RexRedbone
  1215. Fuck lunch, we're going motherfucking sledding. Cricket Hill, bitches! Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:07:27 PM via web
  1216. Axelrod is a mustachioed bullet streaking down the side of that fucking hill. Zoo-fucking-oom. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:27:16 PM via web
  1217. Carl the Intern's trying to go down standing up, but he keeps fucking falling off backwards. He's going to have a concussion. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:30:11 PM via web
  1218. Me, I've fucking puked twice from going down spinnies on a motherfucking disc. Walking up for round fucking three. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:31:00 PM via web
  1219. Saul_Chicago
    Saul Garcia
    @MayorEmanuel Who is your field operations manager... I recommend kidnapping Wunder from Chico. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:31:53 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1220. @Saul_Chicago We just have Carl the Intern do most of that shit. He's got one of those iPhones. It's fucking incredible. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:32:44 PM via web in reply to Saul_Chicago
  1221. Axelrod's sledding outfit is one of the leftover luge suits from the Chicago 2016 Olympics photo shoot. Helmet and all. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:36:32 PM via web
  1222. When Axelrod gets to the bottom, he jumps off the sled, holds his hands straight over his head, and yells "STUCK THE FUCKING LANDING!" Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:41:32 PM via web
  1223. Jesus fucking christ, I got half the fucking hill's worth of snow down my snowpants on that last run. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:48:08 PM via web
  1224. Last sledding run is a pile-on: Axelrod on the bottom, then Carl, then me, with motherfucking Hambone barking away on top. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 01:03:21 PM via web
  1225. We fucked that sledding hill so hard that it's not going to walk straight for a week. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 01:07:10 PM via web
  1226. Jesus fucking Christ, who replaced the Illinois statehouse with politicians with actual fucking balls? Wednesday, January 12, 2011 08:39:32 AM via web
  1227. vdld
    CV McDonald
    @MayorEmanuel Your profanity reveals you're a boorish cretin! Wednesday, January 12, 2011 08:41:56 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1228. @vdld My profanity reveals that I'm a fake fucking account, you stupid fuck. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 08:43:45 AM via web in reply to vdld
  1229. Normally in Springfield everyone's too busy shitting themselves to actually get anything fucking done. What fucking happened? Wednesday, January 12, 2011 08:51:41 AM via web
  1230. Axelrod is making four middle-finger ice sculptures to put in front of Braun's house. One for every fucking mortgage she has. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:32:20 AM via web
  1231. Rabbi Lopatin stopped by. He's got a sock full of batteries that is happy to explain to anyone the meaning of "blood libel." Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:45:33 AM via web
  1232. cowsharky
    cowshark defin
    @MayorEmanuel Your last tweet didn't include the word fuck. Are you ok? Wednesday, January 12, 2011 01:29:43 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1233. @cowsharky fucking fuck you, you stupid fucking motherfucker. Fucking happy now, asshole? Wednesday, January 12, 2011 01:39:58 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cowsharky
  1234. Supposed to read position statements, but instead spent the last three hours listening to that motherfucking Kanye record. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 03:11:03 PM via web
  1235. Plouffe faxed over a list of all the motherfucking "mayoral forums" coming up. I would rather shoot my left ball off than go to them all. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 05:41:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1236. KZableh
    Kari Zableh
    @MayorEmanuel your 'Rabbi Lopatin' tweet is the first I've read which did not inc the word 'fuck'. Had to read it twice to make sure! Wednesday, January 12, 2011 06:58:02 PM via ƜberTwitter in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1237. @KZableh Wow, you win a fucking prize. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 07:14:57 PM via web in reply to KZableh
  1238. Motherfuck, this is a fucking hot cup of fucking coffee. I think I just burned my motherfucking uvula. Thursday, January 13, 2011 08:17:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1239. Pork chop sandwiches for lunch. Bone-in, bitches. Thursday, January 13, 2011 12:06:24 PM via web
  1240. One day, I'm never going to step foot in another goddamn L stop ever a-fucking-gain. Today is not that fucking day. Thursday, January 13, 2011 05:10:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1241. Jesus fucking Christ, let's get this hand-shaking over with. Thursday, January 13, 2011 05:22:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1242. Someone needs to carve a portrait of whoever invented coffee into the side of a motherfucking mountain. Friday, January 14, 2011 07:42:49 AM via web
  1243. Debate at the motherfucking Tribune offices this morning. Top on my list of bullshit that I don't want to fucking do. Friday, January 14, 2011 10:58:06 AM via web
  1244. Good thing we're sitting around a table, because I have to squeeze my balls occasionally just to stay awake. Boring fucking motherfuckers. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:00:58 AM via web
  1245. When Del Valle talks, I swear to fucking god it sounds like one of the teachers in a fucking Charlie Brown cartoon. Mwah wah waaah, wah-uh. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:03:13 AM via web
  1246. Hearing Braun talk about austerity budgets is like listening to a fat guy talk about fasting. Stick with what you fucking know. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:08:53 AM via web
  1247. My next response might be to just bang my head on the table until it fucking bleeds. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:11:05 AM via web
  1248. So Braun's plan to get us out of this budget crisis is apparently to pull a motherfucking unicorn out of her ass. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:17:15 AM via web
  1249. The best part about this fucking debate is that Carl the Intern is hanging outside the window on a washing platform, mooning the ed board. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:33:41 AM via web
  1250. Jesus fucking christ, could these questions be more predictable? How we just tell you assholes what you're going to ask next. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:41:40 AM via web
  1251. By all means, let's take time to talk about a motherfucking children's fucking museum. That seems fucking useful. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:43:35 AM via web
  1252. ComfortablySmug
     
    @MayorEmanuel does carl the intern have a twitter account? Friday, January 14, 2011 11:40:08 AM via Twitter for BlackBerryĀ® in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1253. @ComfortablySmug his stepmom doesn't even let him have a cell phone. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:43:58 AM via web in reply to ComfortablySmug
  1254. The worst part about this debate is that Plouffe faxed over a list of words I couldn't say including "dickweed" and "twatwaffle." Fuck. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:46:16 AM via web
  1255. ramsincanon
    Ramsin Canon
    @MayorEmanuel Oh, I get the conceit! Rahm Emanuel supposedly swears a lot. Oh, clever! Friday, January 14, 2011 11:47:01 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1256. @ramsincanon I forget: is it class warfare if I tell you to suck it out of my asshole? Friday, January 14, 2011 11:49:08 AM via web in reply to ramsincanon
  1257. nbeaudrot
    Nicholas Beaudrot
    I hope @MayorEmanuel shares my rage at this zodiac bullshit. I'm a motherfucking sagittarius, for chrissakes. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:47:04 AM via Twitter for Android
  1258. @nbeaudrot no you're not, you're just a fucking idiot that believes in fucking fairy tales. Grow the fuck up. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:49:38 AM via web in reply to nbeaudrot
  1259. It took forty-five fucking minutes to get to the parking meter deal. Fucking Axelrod wins the bet--I thought it would take three. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:52:00 AM via web
  1260. How the fucking fuck did I miss 13 installments in the "I Spit on Your Grave" franchise? Well, now I know what Clinton and I will be doing. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:06:55 PM via web
  1261. Wait just one fucking second. I Spit on Your Grave only came out in October. They made 13 more movies in 3 months? I call bullshit, Carol. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:10:44 PM via web
  1262. Well that's a fucking let down. There goes my motherfucking Monday night. Clinton's going to make us watch Saw again instead. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:11:43 PM via web
  1263. Can I get a voucher to skip the next fucking debate? Friday, January 14, 2011 12:22:19 PM via web
  1264. Now Carl the Intern is swinging by the window, flashing double birds. That kid's fucking going places. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:29:15 PM via web
  1265. Apparently, these other fucking candidates won't be happy until I fuck a motherfucking Care Bear. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:39:06 PM via web
  1266. high_number
    Eric Reeb
    Continuity error! https://bit.ly/gwCMr0 RT @MayorEmanuel @ComfortablySmug his stepmom doesn't even let him have a cell phone. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:50:06 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1267. @high_number @ComfortablySmug turns out it's a motherfucking iPod Touch. So fucking sue me. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:50:46 PM via web in reply to high_number
  1268. Thank fucking Christ that's over. Now we need to figure out a way to get Carl the Intern down. He's fucking stuck up there. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:56:59 PM via web
  1269. aaronmandersen
    Aaron Andersen
    @MayorEmanuel Carl the Intern's iPhone doesn't count as a cell phone? Friday, January 14, 2011 01:15:32 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1270. @aaronmandersen fuck me if it isn't an iPod Touch. No wonder he never answers it. Friday, January 14, 2011 01:42:33 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to aaronmandersen
  1271. Five o'clock, bitches--punch the fuck out. It's motherfucking Friday fucking night. Friday, January 14, 2011 04:58:54 PM via web
  1272. What the fucking fuck kind of name is "Reince Priebus"? Friday, January 14, 2011 05:23:57 PM via web
  1273. MOTHERFUCKING RED FUCKING ALERT: "Reince Preibus" is a motherfucking anagram for "Beer's Epic Ruin." Friday, January 14, 2011 05:30:33 PM via web
  1274. BrianZable
    Brian Zable
    @MayorEmanuel How do you feel about putting ketchup on a hot dog? Friday, January 14, 2011 07:55:59 PM via web
  1275. @BrianZable you're motherfucking kidding, right? Friday, January 14, 2011 08:31:01 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to BrianZable
  1276. Climbing the motherfucking french toast mountain this morning. Tally fucking ho. Saturday, January 15, 2011 09:29:30 AM via web
  1277. shylobisnett
     
    @MayorEmanuel Go for soy bacon, future mayor. We worry about your ticker. Saturday, January 15, 2011 09:46:06 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1278. @shylobisnett I worry more about motherfucking flavor. Saturday, January 15, 2011 10:06:50 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to shylobisnett
  1279. Motherfucking shit fuckers. I just slammed my motherfucking finger stub in the fucking door of Axelrod's fucking Civic. Saturday, January 15, 2011 01:46:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1280. Up too motherfucking early this morning. Fuck this fucking bullshit. Sunday, January 16, 2011 08:51:57 AM via web
  1281. Heading down to tailgate at motherfucking Soldier Field. Axelrod's wearing his homemade Staley costume, rigged with a drinking tube. Sunday, January 16, 2011 09:22:13 AM via web
  1282. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1283. @sridinats You know how I'm spending my pregame? Not fucking talking to fucking you. Sunday, January 16, 2011 09:24:21 AM via web in reply to sridinats
  1284. We tried to talk him out of it, but Carl the Intern is dressed as a Lovabull. He's going to be fucking cold. Sunday, January 16, 2011 09:26:58 AM via web
  1285. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1286. @sridinats Sure, just give me a call: (312) E-A-T-S-H-I-T Sunday, January 16, 2011 09:29:19 AM via web in reply to sridinats
  1287. My giant bottle of Jack costume is too tall to fit on the L. Fuck. If you see a huge bottle of whiskey walking down Milwaukee, that's me. Sunday, January 16, 2011 09:30:15 AM via web
  1288. Axelrod's drinking tube is capped with a funnel. Every block or so, he's stopping and yelling, "PUT IT IN THE FUCKING FUNNEL!! Sunday, January 16, 2011 09:37:30 AM via web
  1289. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1290. @sridinats Plouffe handles most of my press. Give him a call: (202) F-U-C-K-O-F-F Sunday, January 16, 2011 09:38:59 AM via web in reply to sridinats
  1291. Axelrod's leading the entire fucking south lot in singing "Bear Down, Chicago Bears" except he's singing it as "Drink Up, Chicago Fans." Sunday, January 16, 2011 10:12:19 AM via web
  1292. Axelrod's doing fucking handsprings in his fucking Bear costume. Sunday, January 16, 2011 10:21:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1293. I'm in my giant Jack bottle knocking people down Urlacher-style and yelling "YOU JUST GOT JACK'D." Then we do a fucking shot. Sunday, January 16, 2011 10:43:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1294. Carl the Intern just did a routine to C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat" that brought this whole fucking parking lot to a standstill Sunday, January 16, 2011 11:20:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1295. You're looking at the motherfucking king of the South Lot kegstands, bitches. Sunday, January 16, 2011 12:00:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1296. After all this, nobody's found a fucking ticket for the goddamn game except Carl. Sunday, January 16, 2011 12:03:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1297. Motherfucking touch motherfucking down motherfuckers. Sunday, January 16, 2011 12:11:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1298. Fuck yes you beautiful fucking team. Sunday, January 16, 2011 12:43:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1299. There's a rule that Seattle can just give the fuck up, right? Sunday, January 16, 2011 01:00:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1300. Motherfucking Jay fucking Cutler ladies and fucking gentlemen. Sunday, January 16, 2011 01:01:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1301. Axelrod's been doing a shot every time Seattle has had to punt. And Bears touchdowns. And time outs. And penalties. He's fucking gone. Sunday, January 16, 2011 01:26:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1302. Axelrod was putting on his Staley costume for halftime, but all he could manage was the head before he started fucking puking. Sunday, January 16, 2011 01:40:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1303. jcstarzyk
    James Starzyk
    @MayorEmanuel What happened to Carl?! He didn't leave with a large group of men, did he? Those Luvabull outfits are alluring... Sunday, January 16, 2011 01:42:08 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1304. @jcstarzyk he got a ticket to the game on the fucking 50. We've been watching the game inside some dude's van. Sunday, January 16, 2011 01:43:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jcstarzyk
  1305. jcstarzyk
    James Starzyk
    @MayorEmanuel This game is so fucking amazing it doesn't matter where you're watching it from. Jack bottle costume fit in the van? Sunday, January 16, 2011 01:49:21 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1306. @jcstarzyk bottle neck fit through the fucking sun roof. Sunday, January 16, 2011 01:53:32 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jcstarzyk
  1307. I say we just have Cutler run it every fucking play. Sunday, January 16, 2011 02:02:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1308. Hey Seattle, we're giving out free concussions all motherfucking game. Just step right the fuck up. Sunday, January 16, 2011 02:06:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1309. If you've never missed a Super Bowl then you're a fucking asshole. Who thought these fucks were good spokespeople? Sunday, January 16, 2011 02:08:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1310. Mother-touching fuck-down! Sunday, January 16, 2011 02:15:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1311. KellyTwomey
    Kelly Twomey
    @MayorEmanuel Wait, how did you know about the commercial if you're at the game with Carl and Axelrod? Sunday, January 16, 2011 02:25:34 PM via ƜberTwitter in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1312. @KellyTwomey Jesus fucking Christ. Keep the fuck up: Only Carl got in. We're watching the game in some dude's van. Sunday, January 16, 2011 02:27:04 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to KellyTwomey
  1313. I fucking blacked out for a minute there. Who the fuck let Seattle score? Sunday, January 16, 2011 02:43:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1314. We're going to need a fucking wheelbarrow to get Axelrod home. Can someone bring one by the South Lot? Sunday, January 16, 2011 02:54:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1315. I hope Green Bay likes to get motherfucked. Sunday, January 16, 2011 03:01:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1316. What the fucking fuck is going on here? Sunday, January 16, 2011 03:21:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1317. Green fucking Bay is fucking fucked. Let's just do this shit today. Sunday, January 16, 2011 03:25:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1318. Still in the South Lot. Axelrod won't fucking move. It's OK though. My fucking Jack Daniel's bottle costume is surprisingly warm. Sunday, January 16, 2011 04:33:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1319. Axelrod just sat bolt upright, said "THE GOLDEN GLOBES!" And took off fucking running. Guess it's time to head home. Sunday, January 16, 2011 05:15:37 PM via web
  1320. Motherfucking shopping list for Clinton's visit tomorrow: 6lbs of hamburger, 18 bottles of vodka, 100 yards of plastic sheeting. Monday, January 17, 2011 09:40:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1321. Spent the entire day getting ready for Clinton. Plastic sheeting is a goddamn bitch to attach to the ceiling. Monday, January 17, 2011 05:01:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1322. benkenigsberg
    Ben Kenigsberg
    Hey, @MayorEmanuel (and for that matter, @RahmEmanuel): Do something about this fucking worst-ever sidewalk ice, will ya? Monday, January 17, 2011 08:30:20 PM via web
  1323. @benkenigsberg Jesus fucking Christ man, grow a pair. Monday, January 17, 2011 08:58:35 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to benkenigsberg
  1324. juggernautco
    Daniel X. O'Neil
    @MayorEmanuel so, um, what's the plastic sheeting for? Monday, January 17, 2011 09:22:58 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1325. @juggernautco Never hung out with Clinton before, huh? It's just a lot easier than trying to get the fucking stains out after. Monday, January 17, 2011 09:43:14 PM via web in reply to juggernautco
  1326. I'm going to need a motherfucking Clinton-sized coffee to get me through this bullshit today. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 07:26:00 AM via web
  1327. Stuck in this fucking slush-fest on the way to the airport to pick up Clinton. Axelrod's spun out the Civic three times already. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 10:22:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1328. Clinton's been shotgunning vodka the whole drive in from the airport. I think I can hear his liver fucking sobbing. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:09:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1329. It's been a while since I've hung out with Clinton. When did he start referring to himself as "The Big Bear" fucking exclusively? Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:12:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1330. Clinton's up on stage, drinking straight from the bottle. Crowd is tossing money and panties. The Big Bear's still fucking got it. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:35:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1331. Holy fucking fuck: Clinton just asked, "Who's seen 'The Puppetry of the Penis?'" ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:54:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1332. Finally got Clinton off the fucking stage. "But I was about to show them 'the Flamingo!'' Tuesday, January 18, 2011 12:16:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1333. Got Clinton back to my place, where he announced, "The Big Bear's gotta hibernate," and immediately passed the fuck out. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 03:14:26 PM via web
  1334. Clinton just woke up and announced, "The Big Bear's ready to meat wrestle. Where're the girls?" Fuck. I hoped he'd stay asleep. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 06:15:17 PM via web
  1335. God, I fucking hope we've got enough plastic sheeting. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 06:17:07 PM via web
  1336. Here's the other thing: We don't actually have any fucking girls. Carl & Axelrod are going to do their best. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 06:20:31 PM via web
  1337. JPeep
    Jennifer Peepas
    @MayorEmanuel, you are hilarious. However, the "Bill Clinton: Handsy Sex Beast" jokes remind me of Jay Leno. That is not praise. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 06:19:47 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1338. @JPeep I assure you that we're enjoying this even fucking less than you are. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 06:25:31 PM via web in reply to JPeep
  1339. Managed to distract Clinton with news about Joe fucking Lieberman's retirement. Good riddance, you fucking froggy-voiced fuck. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 07:30:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1340. And he's passed out again. Tends to go like this all fucking night with the Big Bear. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 07:54:31 PM via web
  1341. Clinton's up again. And he's crying. Giant fucking rivers of tears. This night is never going to fucking end. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 09:35:39 PM via web
  1342. Clinton's smeared raw fucking hamburger all over himself and is sliding across the plastic-sheeted floor. "I'm the king of the world!" Tuesday, January 18, 2011 10:34:01 PM via web
  1343. Axelrod managed to get Clinton in a fucking sleeper hold. Sweet dreams, Big Bear. Sweet Dreams. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 10:56:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1344. Woke up and Clinton's gone! His clothes and wallet are here. He's gonna fucking freeze out there. Come back, Big Bear! Wednesday, January 19, 2011 08:28:15 AM via web
  1345. Axelrod's going to search, but Carl the Intern said his Civic will freeze before he reaches the first marker. "Then I'll see you in hell!" Wednesday, January 19, 2011 08:30:51 AM via web
  1346. Axelrod found him, face down in a snow bank muttering something about Ben Bernake. Just "Ben... Ben... Ben..." over and over. The fuck? Wednesday, January 19, 2011 09:16:56 AM via web
  1347. Axelrod cut open the back seat of his Civic--"I thought they smelled bad on the outside"--and stuffed Clinton inside to keep him warm. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 09:21:46 AM via web
  1348. Now they're back and Carl the Intern's filling this big-ass tube with hot water. Sticking Clinton in there to warm him the fuck up. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 09:25:58 AM via web
  1349. Clinton looks strong enough to pull the ears off a motherfucking gundark. Axelrod says, "That's two you owe me, Big Bear." Wednesday, January 19, 2011 10:04:28 AM via web
  1350. Now Axelrod and Carl the Intern are arguing and Hambone starts barking like crazy. Axelrod spins around and says, "Bark it up, fuzzball." Wednesday, January 19, 2011 10:13:57 AM via web
  1351. And now Carl's planting a big kiss on Clinton, and he's just laying there hands behind his head with a big shit-eating grin. What the fuck? Wednesday, January 19, 2011 10:15:07 AM via web
  1352. We gotta get Clinton back to the airport now. I don't know how the fuck he's going to explain that big scar on his cheek to Hillary. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 10:23:31 AM via web
  1353. Motherfucking cock-chokers. How the fucking fuck is it only Wednesday? Spent all goddamn day thinking it was Thursday. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 04:50:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1354. Plan for tomorrow is to rent a truck, head to Costco, load up, and drive north to TP the living fuck out of Wisconsin. Go Bears. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 08:58:37 PM via web
  1355. somepolack
     
    @MayorEmanuel Shouldn't you be worried about your motherfucking residency hearing? Wednesday, January 19, 2011 09:06:55 PM via TwitBird
  1356. @kwithk when the playoff game to end all motherfucking playoff games is in four days? No. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 09:07:55 PM via web in reply to somepolack
  1357. copedog
    Rob Kenobi
    @MayorEmanuel the question remains: #teamchard #teamradish #teameggplant ? Thursday, January 20, 2011 12:17:44 AM via TweetDeck
  1358. @copedog seriously dude, who gives a fucking fuck? Thursday, January 20, 2011 12:30:49 AM via web in reply to copedog
  1359. Where can I buy a motherfucking vat of coffee? I don't want a fucking cup, I want an endless fucking vat. Thursday, January 20, 2011 07:34:35 AM via web
  1360. Hope you stocked up on toilet paper, because we just cleared Costco the fuck out. Wisconsin won't know what fucking hit it. Thursday, January 20, 2011 08:09:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1361. After the TPing, we're all getting tattoos. I'm getting "MOTHERFUCK GREEN BAY" across my shoulder blades. Thursday, January 20, 2011 08:45:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1362. So I'm not saying we got stopped by the cops in Beloit, but I will say that I doubt we're going back to fucking Wisconsin any time soon. Thursday, January 20, 2011 03:22:42 PM via web
  1363. Also, if you need any motherfucking toilet paper we've probably got some extra. Thursday, January 20, 2011 03:28:58 PM via web
  1364. avoidtheleper
    Selena
    @MayorEmanuel So you're currently surrounded by asswipes? Thursday, January 20, 2011 03:30:33 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1365. @avoidtheleper what else is motherfucking new. Thursday, January 20, 2011 03:31:36 PM via web in reply to avoidtheleper
  1366. I've got 10.6 million fucking reasons the other motherfuckers are motherfucked. Thursday, January 20, 2011 03:53:36 PM via web
  1367. It's nice, after a day sitting in truck on the side of I-90, to know that I have a giant fucking pile of money to roll the fuck around on. Thursday, January 20, 2011 04:12:03 PM via web
  1368. chitownpolitics
    Slats Lonigan
    Fact: Carol Mosely Braun's fundraising numbers are closer to Dock Walls' than to @mayoremanuel.'s. Thursday, January 20, 2011 04:19:31 PM via TweetDeck
  1369. @chitownpolitics Normally I think you're an asshole, but I'll take that one as a motherfucking compliment. Thursday, January 20, 2011 04:25:51 PM via web in reply to chitownpolitics
  1370. This tattoo is getting blood all over my tux for the Hu dinner. I hope nobody slaps me on the motherfucking back. Thursday, January 20, 2011 05:05:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1371. alisavino
    Ali Savino
    @MayorEmanuel you do know the Hu dinner was last night, no? Thursday, January 20, 2011 05:14:19 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1372. @alisavino he's in Chicago tonight, shithead. Thursday, January 20, 2011 05:22:37 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to alisavino
  1373. copedog
    Rob Kenobi
    @MayorEmanuel Urbs in motherfucking Horto, motherfucker. That's who gives a fucking fuck. #teamchard Thursday, January 20, 2011 11:08:00 PM via TweetDeck
  1374. @copedog It took you 24 fucking hours to come up with that? Nice fucking work, dickweed. Thursday, January 20, 2011 11:44:25 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to copedog
  1375. Fuck this motherfucking brutal fucking cold right in its frozen fucking asshole. Friday, January 21, 2011 07:40:29 AM via web
  1376. We sent Carl the Intern out to get coffee, and he came back with three cups of motherfucking brown ice. Fuck this shit. Friday, January 21, 2011 08:31:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1377. The only thing getting me through this frozen fucking day is the fact that it's Friday. Friday, January 21, 2011 09:54:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1378. Axelrod, Carl the Intern, and I went out to kiss the flagpoles outside Soldier Field--you know, for fucking luck--and now we're stuck. Friday, January 21, 2011 03:55:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1379. Carl the Intern lined up some stupid fucking comedian to do a stupid fucking fundraiser for me tonight. Because you know what we need? Money Friday, January 21, 2011 05:38:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1380. Anyway, looks like I'm going to fucking miss it unless Mr. Fucking Funny shows up with some warm water to melt this frozen pole. Friday, January 21, 2011 05:40:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1381. Um. It's fucking dark and fucking cold out here. Uh. Help? Friday, January 21, 2011 06:41:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1382. Motherfucking motherfuck. Finally pulled my fucking lips off that fucking frozen flagpole. There's blood absolutely goddamn everywhere. Friday, January 21, 2011 07:34:54 PM via web
  1383. Oh, it did not just fucking snow again. I am so fucking over this motherfucking winter bullshit. Saturday, January 22, 2011 07:45:42 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1384. Plouffe called. Our ad for tomorrow's game is a "no go." The fuck is wrong with an ad of Axelrod wiping his ass on a Packers Helmet? Saturday, January 22, 2011 09:04:02 AM via web
  1385. Axelrod just got his tat finished: Calvin in a Bears uniform pissing on a block of cheese. "It's also cause I'm fucking lactose intolerant." Saturday, January 22, 2011 01:20:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1386. 9am Game Day. Let's get our motherfucking drink on. Sunday, January 23, 2011 09:14:23 AM via web
  1387. Motherfucking hot wing fryer fire! Holy fucking shit! Sunday, January 23, 2011 11:34:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1388. So it turns out vodka isn't a very good fire extinguisher. Finally got it out with Axelrod's Bears Snuggie. In-fucking-flammable. Sunday, January 23, 2011 12:23:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1389. Penny Pritzker just showed up with treats: shot glasses with $100 bills in them. "Who's getting a money shot?" Sunday, January 23, 2011 01:23:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1390. Jeff Tweedy showed up with a giant plate of motherfucking brownies. "Game on, bitches." Sunday, January 23, 2011 01:54:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1391. Doorbell. Holy fucking fuck, it's Ari. "You didn't think I'd miss this, did you, you stupid little shit?" Sunday, January 23, 2011 02:10:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1392. I haven't even finished one of Tweedy's brownies yet, and the Packers are on the one? What the goddamn fuck? Sunday, January 23, 2011 02:11:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1393. Fucking Christ fuck. What the fucking shit fucking fuck was that fucking bullshit? Sunday, January 23, 2011 02:12:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1394. Ari brought Spielberg, who is wearing a motherfucking cheese head. We're holding Axelrod back right now. Sunday, January 23, 2011 02:15:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1395. Christ, I am nowhere near fucking drunk enough for this motherfucking game. Sunday, January 23, 2011 02:21:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1396. Kanye just called, in tears. "I can't watch this shit on my own. Can I drop by?" Fuck yes, Yeezy. Fuck yes. Sunday, January 23, 2011 02:33:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1397. Fuck sack, motherfuckers! That's fucking right. Sunday, January 23, 2011 02:38:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1398. Kanye showed up with the same fucking motorola headsets the coaches have. We're all wearing them. We look fucking awesome. Sunday, January 23, 2011 02:45:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1399. Fucking goddamn motherfuck. I'm going to go crawl under a motherfucking blanket now. Sunday, January 23, 2011 02:51:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1400. Fucking goddamn motherfucking fuck. Fucking shit fucking fuck. Fucking fucktards need to fucking play this fucking game. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:06:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1401. Kanye's a fucking mess right now. This game needs to turn around. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:09:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1402. Motherfucking interception, you bitches. Let's motherfucking do this shit. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:23:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1403. Motherfucking fucking motherfuck. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:24:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1404. At this point, the only thing turning this motherfucking game around are some goddamn pizza rolls. Tweedy and Pritzker are making the run. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:28:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1405. My "MOTHERFUCK GREEN BAY" tattoo is going to look really fucking stupid if this game doesn't turn around. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:35:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1406. We finally got Spielberg to take off his cheesehead, but he's got a Packers doo rag on underneath it. What the fuck. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:41:06 PM via web
  1407. Second fucking hot wings fire of the day. This shit just isn't getting any better, is it? Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:46:45 PM via web
  1408. Ari thought he could put the wings fire out by peeing on it. Turns out, that's not a great fucking idea. Carl the Intern's on a gauze run. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:48:27 PM via web
  1409. Kanye's choking back fucking tears: "Cutler's knee injury is a nice match for my heart injury." Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:51:22 PM via web
  1410. MOTHERFUCKING BRIAN FUCKING URLACHER IS THE GREATEST FUCKING MAN IN MOTHERFUCKING HISTORY. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:54:22 PM via web
  1411. I fucking hate fucking everything right fucking now. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:56:55 PM via web
  1412. Hey Cutler: My knee hurt before I had to dance Swan Lake once. And you know what? I fucking danced the motherfuck out of it. Fuck you. Sunday, January 23, 2011 03:58:57 PM via web
  1413. Tweedy and Pritzker got back with the pizza rolls. Thank fucking god. Finally some good news. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:05:55 PM via web
  1414. Carl the Intern is on seventh fucking heaven with Collins in. "It's like they're sending interns onto the field." He's fucking right. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:13:00 PM via web
  1415. Come on Hester. Be the bad-ass motherfucker we know you are. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:20:13 PM via web
  1416. Jesus fucking Christ. They're just pulling people out of the fucking stands to be quarterback at this point, aren't they? Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:23:03 PM via web
  1417. CALEB FUCKING HAINE! YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING MAN! Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:28:46 PM via web
  1418. I HAVE NEVER FUCKING HEARD OF YOU EVER, BUT RIGHT NOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY GODDAMN WIFE. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:29:27 PM via web
  1419. Spielberg's smart fucking mouth isn't fucking mouthing so much now. Let's motherfucking do this. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:38:49 PM via web
  1420. I will give Green Bay this: They have the most incredible display of man-tits I have ever fucking seen in my life. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:42:30 PM via web
  1421. Fucking fuck motherfucking fuck. The fucking tubby guy just scored? Fucking fuck this fucking shit. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:52:31 PM via web
  1422. Just sent Carl the Intern out for the biggest fuck-it bucket of chicken you have ever fucking seen. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:54:53 PM via web
  1423. MOTHEFUCKING TOUCH FUCKING DOWN!!! HOLY FUCKING FUCK. WE CAN DO THIS FUCKING SHIT. BEAR THE FUCK DOWN. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:57:05 PM via web
  1424. I need to get one of those giant fucking sidelines jackets. They look so fucking bad-ass. Sunday, January 23, 2011 04:59:09 PM via web
  1425. Caleb Hanie. Be the ball. There is no motherfucking spoon. Sunday, January 23, 2011 05:04:49 PM via web
  1426. When Axelrod gets stressed out, he has to take a shit. He's been in the bathroom for most of this fucking quarter. Sunday, January 23, 2011 05:09:27 PM via web
  1427. Oh goddamn motherfuck. That's the fucking motherfucking game. I am going to get so fucking drunk I'll be hungover until Wednesday. Sunday, January 23, 2011 05:14:29 PM via web
  1428. Fucking empty motherfucking emptiness. Sunday, January 23, 2011 05:16:20 PM via web
  1429. Kanye's got his vocoder set to a minor fucking key. We're all lost in this motherfucking world. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Sunday, January 23, 2011 05:17:57 PM via web
  1430. I'm not sure Axelrod's ever going to fucking get over this. Sunday, January 23, 2011 05:20:04 PM via web
  1431. Tweedy's post-game snack: the Hanie. A jalepeno popper stuffed inside a pizza roll. "Tastes like sadness." Sunday, January 23, 2011 05:47:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1432. Oh coffee, you glorious motherfucking bean. Monday, January 24, 2011 07:48:04 AM via web
  1433. Motherfucking shit fucking fuck shitters. What the fucking fuck motherfucking happened?! Monday, January 24, 2011 12:18:35 PM via web
  1434. OK, Carl the Intern makes a good point: Appellate courts are for pussies. We're going to motherfucking Supreme this bullshit. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:21:33 PM via web
  1435. My brain feels like it's on motherfucking fire. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:23:22 PM via web
  1436. Throwing that chair through the window wasn't the best fucking decision in the world just now. Now we're fucked AND it's cold. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:27:08 PM via web
  1437. I FUCKING HATE THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD. LET'S FUCKING GO, ASSHOLES. WHO MOTHERFUCKING WANTS SOME? Monday, January 24, 2011 12:31:10 PM via web
  1438. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm just lighting any fucking thing on fire right now. Just to feel fucking something. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:32:20 PM via web
  1439. Holy fuck, we're so not getting the security deposit back on this motherfucking apartment. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:36:23 PM via web
  1440. Axelrod's got his Bears helmet on and is just fucking punching gaping fucking holes in the walls with his motherfucking head. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:38:30 PM via web
  1441. Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck Monday, January 24, 2011 12:42:55 PM via web
  1442. Carl the Intern just tossed a lit mattress through the window. "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn." Monday, January 24, 2011 12:46:00 PM via web
  1443. HOLY FUCK: Axelrod just flipped the Civic. This shit just got motherfucking realer than real. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:50:25 PM via web
  1444. Every fucking thing in this motherfucking apartment is going through the front fucking window right fucking now. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:53:44 PM via web
  1445. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit Monday, January 24, 2011 12:59:17 PM via web
  1446. Double birds to the motherfucking world. TO THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD. Monday, January 24, 2011 01:04:35 PM via web
  1447. They'll get to you too. They'll destroy you. They're untouchable, man... I'm so fucking exhausted I can't see straight. Monday, January 24, 2011 01:09:54 PM via web
  1448. motherfucking empty fucking emptiness. again. Monday, January 24, 2011 01:14:32 PM via web
  1449. fucking why Monday, January 24, 2011 01:15:44 PM via web
  1450. motherfucking why Monday, January 24, 2011 01:16:05 PM via web
  1451. fuck. Monday, January 24, 2011 01:16:29 PM via web
  1452. Fuck. I've been walking these streets at night. Just trying to get it right. Monday, January 24, 2011 08:49:01 PM via web
  1453. It's hard to see with so many around. You know I don't like being stuck in a motherfucking crowd. Monday, January 24, 2011 08:49:43 PM via web
  1454. And the fucking streets don't change but maybe the name. Monday, January 24, 2011 08:50:42 PM via web
  1455. I ain't got time for this fucking game. Monday, January 24, 2011 08:51:43 PM via web
  1456. It's nice, this fucking city, in the dark. The snow and the ice. The bridges. The water. It's quiet. I just need some fucking quiet. Monday, January 24, 2011 08:56:03 PM via web
  1457. We trashed the apartment so fucking bad, there's nothing to go back to. Monday, January 24, 2011 09:10:31 PM via web
  1458. Last I saw Carl the Intern and Axelrod, they were going to drive the Civic into City Hall. They're probably fucking locked up now. Monday, January 24, 2011 09:11:19 PM via web
  1459. Now it's just me and Axelrod's little puppy Hambone. Against the motherfucking world. Monday, January 24, 2011 09:15:48 PM via web
  1460. Found a spot under a bridge on Cortland. It's pretty here, and there's a hot air vent. This'll do. What a motherfucking fucked day. Monday, January 24, 2011 09:26:35 PM via web
  1461. Woke up to Hambone licking my face. Now we're tossing chunks of ice into the river. Big fucking splash. Scared the ducks. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:05:54 AM via web
  1462. The river water is brown like coffee, but it sure doesn't taste like coffee. I think I miss coffee the motherfucking most. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:15:33 AM via web
  1463. There's a duck along the river here who has a bill with a little dark spot on it, like a mustache. Named him Axelrod. Quack fucking quack. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 10:10:41 AM via web
  1464. Me, Hambone and Quaxelrod found a pretty sturdy sheet of ice and we're going to fucking float down the river for a while. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 10:22:55 AM via web
  1465. Quaxelrod just started quacking like crazy. It's foggy, but I can see someone else fucking floating toward us. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:01:00 PM via web
  1466. It's Daley! Floating the other way. "You're a hard man to find, you know. Here's some bread for your duck. Shut him the fuck up." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:03:29 PM via web
  1467. "First off, you're back on. I mean, for now. Probably forever. The Supremes are assfucks, but they're my assfucks." Daley's hands are HUGE. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:08:20 PM via web
  1468. "But really man, pull yourself the fuck together. You're running for mayor. Of Chicago. People are going to fuck with you all the time." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:09:20 PM via web
  1469. "You think when I wanted to close Miegs Field, and they told me no, that I went adrift? No. I fucking closed Miegs fucking Field." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:10:40 PM via web
  1470. "You think when they started pissing on the parking meter sale that I fucking tucked tail? No, I sold off everyfuckingthing else too." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:11:21 PM via web
  1471. "Here's something my Dad told me once: The role of the mayor is to be the guy that everyone takes a shit on. And then to shit on them back." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:13:13 PM via web
  1472. "Except he didn't say 'everyone,' he said 'Blacks, Jews, Poles, and Hippies' but those were different times. Fucking substance is the same." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:14:04 PM via web
  1473. "So you're going to turn this ice floe around, pack up your pets, and run for the goddamn mayor of Chicago and you're going to win." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:16:54 PM via web
  1474. "And once you've won, you're going to fuck with every last one of these motherfuckers until they wish they'd never even heard your name." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:18:14 PM via web
  1475. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm floating my way down to Chinatown right now for some Dim Sum." And Daley's gone again, into the fog. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:19:00 PM via web
  1476. Fuck this noise. Quaxelrod? Hambone? We've got a motherfucking election to motherfucking win. Let's do this shit. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:24:51 PM via web
  1477. Fifty-two motherfucking percent, you stupid fucking motherfuckers. Quaxelrod is so excited, he's molting. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 04:58:33 PM via web
  1478. Found a hotel room for the night. Dropping some major campaign cash. Holiday Inn Express, bitches. Quaxelrod can use the pool. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 05:39:23 PM via web
  1479. Don't know if Obama's going to use the draft of the speech I wrote before I left. If he opens with double fucking birds, it's mine. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 06:12:18 PM via web
  1480. Jesus fucking christ. I turn on the hotel TV and the first thing I have to see is Bill Daley's bald fucking head? Fuck. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:03:48 PM via web
  1481. That's right Obama, walk down that aisle, and bust people's chops. "You were looking a little scruffy." That fucking scruffy fuck. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:08:44 PM via web
  1482. I had a whole State of the Union drinking game lined up, then I decided just to drink fucking all of it to begin with. Whoo fucking hoo. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:09:28 PM via web
  1483. Jesus Christ. Boehner's not even orange anymore. He's burnt fucking ochre. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:10:56 PM via web
  1484. It's two years of experience with this when I tell you: The key is to keep your motherfucking eyes locked on fucking Biden. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:12:54 PM via web
  1485. OK, see, I wrote this part. It ends with "Fuck Bush in his motherfucking shriveled fucking asshole. First CEO president my ass." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:19:59 PM via web
  1486. Oh fuck, OK he took it in a different direction. Quaxelrod things the "win the future" thing is a nice flourish. I think it's for the birds. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:22:30 PM via web
  1487. I'm not saying that I flipped away for a bit, but I will tell you there is a motherfucking "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" marathon on. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:32:12 PM via web
  1488. Boehner's really going for the "asshole of the year" award, huh? Yeah, douchebag, don't clap for student fucking aide. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:35:27 PM via web
  1489. Wait a second--SHE didn't know she was pregnant? How the fucking fuck did that happen? Oh shit, sorry. Flipping back. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:38:30 PM via web
  1490. See, I wrote that part too. Except it was originally "Let's fix what fucking needs fixing, and then let's move the fuck forward." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:47:35 PM via web
  1491. Do you think Boehner painted open eyes on his eyelids, and he's just back there fucking snoozing? Fucking CLAP man. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:49:19 PM via web
  1492. Yeah, maybe I'm fucking standing on my fucking hotel bed fucking cheering about getting rid of "frivolous lawsuits." Maybe now? In Illinois? Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:52:07 PM via web
  1493. See, I'd told him to not mention Iraq or Afghanistan. "Nobody fucking remembers them. Don't fucking remind them." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 08:58:21 PM via web
  1494. Wait, wait wait--SHE didn't know she was pregnant either? The fuck, people? Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:00:43 PM via web
  1495. markpopham
    Mark Popham
    @MayorEmanuel none of them knew, Rahm. NONE OF THEM KNEW. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:02:17 PM via Echofon in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1496. @markpopham but... but... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT FUCKING KNOW YOU'RE PREGNANT?! Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:03:27 PM via web in reply to markpopham
  1497. OK, so I wrote this part too. Unless SOMEONE went and changed it again, it should end with him double-chopping his cock and saying "SUCK IT" Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:09:46 PM via web
  1498. God, thinking about those fucking Chilean Miners still makes me motherfucking weep. Beautiful fucking people, stuck in a tiny fucking hole. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:12:09 PM via web
  1499. OK, maybe they moved the crotch chop to this part. Because it would be fucking perfect here. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:12:55 PM via web
  1500. I thought the speech was pretty great. I mean, it's a tough situat... HOW THE FUCK DOES SHE NOT KNOW SHE'S FUCKING PREGANT?! Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:15:25 PM via web
  1501. If anyone thinks I'm sitting through Bachmann, you're out of your goddamn motherfucking minds. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:22:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1502. SamAbernethy
    Samantha
    @MayorEmanuel But what if Bachman DOESN'T KNOW SHE'S PREGNANT Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:38:27 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1503. @SamAbernethy that I'd fucking believe. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:38:45 PM via web in reply to SamAbernethy
  1504. This "I Didn't Know I Was Pregant" marathon is on until two AM. I feel like I've won the motherfucking election already. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 09:49:30 PM via web
  1505. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1506. @thebigrigrunner it's not my job to catch you the fuck up. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 11:13:34 PM via web in reply to thebigrigrunner
  1507. Oh hell no, this hotel has a motherfucking breakfast buffet? And it's fucking free? Hell yes I'll have a pancake, thanks. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 07:28:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1508. Sweet fucking Jesus, all the fucking coffee I can drink? Bring it fucking on. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 07:30:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1509. nbcphilrogers
    Phil Rogers
    hey @mayoremanuel I want to ask you a question for nbc. Follow me so I can dm Wednesday, January 26, 2011 09:33:20 AM via web
  1510. @nbcphilrogers just call the office: (312) FUC-KOFF Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:42:09 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to nbcphilrogers
  1511. Yeah, well Quaxelrod is working the phones, so you take what you can fucking get, you know? Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:47:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1512. mollyesque
    Molly Ball
    @MayorEmanuel I write for Politico and I'd like to talk to you. What are the chances? Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:27:58 AM via web
  1513. @mollyesque somewhere right between fucking slim and fucking none. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:51:36 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to mollyesque
  1514. I've been shaking hands outside of PetSmart all morning. Last day I let Hambone and Quaxelrod set my fucking schedule. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:56:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1515. cam_joseph
    Cameron Joseph
    @MayorEmanuel i'm doing a writeup of how awesome your feed is for national journal. are you willing to talk to me on background? Wednesday, January 26, 2011 01:15:05 PM via web
  1516. @cam_joseph on background? Sure, give a call: (312) E-A-T-S-H-I-T Wednesday, January 26, 2011 02:39:05 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cam_joseph
  1517. Now I'm doing a tour of the city's fucking duck ponds and dog parks. Axelrod's fucking mustache did a better scheduling job than this. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 03:13:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1518. vickiroush
    Vicki Roush
    Just noticed fucking @MayorEmanuel doesn't follow anybody! How fucked up is that? Fuckin' figures, though. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 03:22:28 PM via web
  1519. @vickiroush why the fucking fuck would I follow any of you assholes? Wednesday, January 26, 2011 03:25:39 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to vickiroush
  1520. Back at the hotel for debate prep. Quaxelrod is filling in for Braun, Hambone is covering Chico, and a pillow from the bed is Del Valle. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 05:09:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1521. Topics covered: lack of old guys tossing bread, repressive off-leash laws, and the handsy maid who works weekends. Fuck. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 05:16:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1522. While Pillow Del Valle and I are in agreement that double starch is too much fucking starch, I'm beginning to think that I need my team back Wednesday, January 26, 2011 05:31:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1523. I keep getting Peter fucking Gabriel's motherfucking "In Your Eyes" stuck in my fucking head and it's driving me goddamn insane. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 07:00:19 PM via web
  1524. I may have underestimated Pillow Del Valle. He's definitely got some good points about the fucking hotel tax. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 07:05:28 PM via web
  1525. Debate prep wrapped. I sincerely fucking hope that Chico doesn't lick my face tomorrow as much as Hambone did tonight. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 07:23:03 PM via web
  1526. mtroy_hughes
    matt hughes
    @MayorEmanuel come to denver. we need a hard mayor. all of our candidates are getting their panties in a wad over cupcake trucks! Wednesday, January 26, 2011 07:38:03 PM via web
  1527. @mtroy_hughes Smart people. Hope they keep them out. Motherfuck the motherfucking cupcake trucks. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 07:38:47 PM via web in reply to mtroy_hughes
  1528. Seriously, this fucking song won't get the fuck out of my fucking head. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:21:02 PM via web
  1529. CarmintheB
    Carmin
    Any1 have details? @MayorEmanuel I may have underestimated [] Del Valle. He's definitely got some good points about the fucking hotel tax. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:20:45 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1530. @CarmintheB He's a fucking pillow. You're really fucking asking? Holy fucking fuck. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:22:30 PM via web in reply to CarmintheB
  1531. jason_hardesty
    Jason Hardesty
    @MayorEmanuel the light the heat Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:19:54 PM via Twitter for Windows Phone from Laguna Beach, CA   in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1532. @jason_hardesty you're really not motherfucking helping at fucking all. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:32:21 PM via web in reply to jason_hardesty
  1533. andymboyle
    Andy Boyle
    Hey @mayoremanuel, this is for you: https://yfrog.com/2on5kqj Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:40:03 PM via TweetDeck
  1534. @andymboyle I miss that guy. Sometimes he'd play the guitar all night. I wish I hadn't told him to shut the fuck up so many times now. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:46:13 PM via web in reply to andymboyle
  1535. Hey entire fucking East Coast: Yes, your weather patterns are fucking you in the ass. Now kindly shut the fuck up about it. Thursday, January 27, 2011 07:03:32 AM via web
  1536. Sweet fucking coffee, you sometimes feel like my only motherfucking friend. Thursday, January 27, 2011 07:32:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1537. Quaxelrod thinks we should do more debate prep, but I think it's because he gets a fucking bread crumb when he gets a right answer. Thursday, January 27, 2011 07:59:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1538. Quaxelrod needs a swim, Hambone needs a walk, Pillow Del Valle needs a fluff. Didn't I used to have people that took care of this bullshit? Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:23:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1539. There's that goddamn motherfucking song again. I'm going to stab myself in the fucking ear soon. Thursday, January 27, 2011 10:58:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1540. Picking out clothes for the debate tonight. I've got fucking duck shit on most of my suits. Thursday, January 27, 2011 12:12:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1541. I may just go over in this T-shirt and sweats. The shirt has a sweet fucking tiger on it. Hambone thinks it's bad-ass. Thursday, January 27, 2011 12:17:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1542. This motherfucking snow is going to make me look ridiculous if I go out in my tiger T-shirt. Thursday, January 27, 2011 03:32:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1543. What the fucking fuck do you mean, no waterfowl in the Chicago City Club? Chico probably got his motherfucking Guinea Hen in! Thursday, January 27, 2011 04:24:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1544. And I totally see Braun strutting around with her fucking rooster. But no goddamn ducks? For fucking shame, man. For. Fucking. Shame. Thursday, January 27, 2011 04:35:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1545. Why did it just get so fucking quiet in here? Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:00:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1546. MOTHERFUCKING STREET LEGAL, BITCHES! Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:08:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1547. Hambone is fucking humping every fucking leg in sight. Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:12:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1548. Huh. Feel a little stupid about the whole fucking apartment trashing thing now. Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:14:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1549. FUCK THE DEBATE, LET'S HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING ELECTION RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:17:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1550. Shotgunning motherfucking cans of motherfucking beer two at a goddamn time! Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:24:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1551. Just ran up to the other sorry fucking candidates and yelled, "MOTHERFUCKING WINNING THE MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE!" Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:36:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1552. You stupid fucking fucks, have to debate me now. BRING IT THE FUCK ON! Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:39:19 PM via web
  1553. God, I fucking wish Axelrod and Carl the Intern were here right now. Who's going to hold my fucking feet for the kegstands? Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:40:59 PM via web
  1554. Axelrod would probably be wearing his beer hat right now, grinning like the motherfucking Cheshire fucking Cat. Fucking where are you? Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:45:54 PM via web
  1555. And Carl. Jesus, seemed like that kid's heart just shattered in two on Monday. He'd probably be up on Axelrod's fucking shoulders right now Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:51:13 PM via web
  1556. Ah, fuck it. TOSS ME ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING BEER, WE'RE WINNING THIS MOTHERFUCKING ELECTION! Thursday, January 27, 2011 05:55:30 PM via web
  1557. Holy fucking fuck, that fucking Peter fucking Gabriel song is back in my fucking head. Just what I fucking need. Thursday, January 27, 2011 06:29:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1558. Reached in my pocket and pulled out Axelrod's Disneyland pen. I gave him my fucking heart. He gave me a MousekePen. Thursday, January 27, 2011 06:46:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1559. Alright, bitches, let's debate this shit. Thursday, January 27, 2011 06:58:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1560. I'm stabbing Axelrod's MousekePen into my thigh every time the motherfucking camera cuts away. 17 more fucking minutes. Thursday, January 27, 2011 07:43:14 PM via web
  1561. Also, I'm pretty fucking sure Braun is dozing off right now. Thursday, January 27, 2011 07:44:15 PM via web
  1562. Chico thinks he smells fucking amazing, but the rest of us were joking about "eu de Chico" backstage. Right next to him, it's overpowering. Thursday, January 27, 2011 07:46:35 PM via web
  1563. Hambone fucking drilled me on these goddamn facts and figures. I think I fucking nailed them 99% percent of the time. Thursday, January 27, 2011 07:50:08 PM via web
  1564. I'm about to meet the challenge of changing out of this fucking suit. Almost fucking done. Thursday, January 27, 2011 07:56:54 PM via web
  1565. Goddamn it, there's that fucking song again. Do you fucking hear it? I fucking swear Chico looked when it started up. Thursday, January 27, 2011 07:57:54 PM via web
  1566. Hambone thinks it went well, but I hate these fucking things. I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything in a debate. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:01:04 PM via web
  1567. I don't want to fucking sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:02:22 PM via web
  1568. You know, in a motherfucking debate. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:02:59 PM via web
  1569. Anyway, that shits over. One more of these motherfucking things. Then I never have to hang out with those three fucking people again. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:04:47 PM via web
  1570. But seriously, that fucking Peter fucking Gabriel song is getting louder. Hambone says I'm crazy, but it's really goddamn loud now. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:06:46 PM via web
  1571. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! There's Axelrod and Carl the Intern, standing on the roof of the goddamn Civic, boomboxes over their heads. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:15:24 PM via web
  1572. They're blaring that fucking Peter Gabriel song! And they're fucking smiling fucking huge smiles! And it's snowing. And it's beautiful. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:17:16 PM via web
  1573. And Quaxelrod is fucking flying circles around their heads, and fucking Hambone leapt up onto the roof of the car. And I'm fucking crying. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:18:26 PM via web
  1574. I'm crying like a baby, because this has been a motherfucking week from fucking hell, and here we all are, on Michigan avenue, in the snow. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:20:41 PM via web
  1575. We're all fucking crying and laughing and barking and quacking and the city has never looked more beautiful, and in four weeks I'll be mayor Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:25:30 PM via web
  1576. It turns out Carl the Intern and Axelrod didn't crash Axelrod's Civic into City Hall. They went down to motherfucking Springfield instead. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:29:56 PM via web
  1577. Carl just looked at me, and said, "What did you expect? I told you we'd Supreme this shit, so we motherfucking Supremed this shit." Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:31:00 PM via web
  1578. Now we're all crammed in Axelrod's fucking Civic, the ceiling's still dented in, driving down Lake Shore Drive, just fucking freestyling. Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:38:32 PM via web
  1579. "Lets Break out of this fake ass Party / Turn this in to a Classic Night / If we die in each others arms..." Thursday, January 27, 2011 08:39:30 PM via web
  1580. This Holiday Inn Express breakfast buffet is about to get fucked like it's never been fucked before. Friday, January 28, 2011 07:33:03 AM via web
  1581. Carl the Intern and Axelrod are in a pancake eating contest. Motherfucking artists at work. Friday, January 28, 2011 08:01:04 AM via web
  1582. Cannonballs in the motherfucking pool. Quaxelrod is the judge. I got a 7.3 Friday, January 28, 2011 09:16:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1583. It's Axelrod and this seven-year-old girl named Alyssa in the finals, both tied at 9.8. The whole cleaning crew is here, fucking cheering. Friday, January 28, 2011 09:31:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1584. Holy fucking Jesus fuck, little Alyssa just pulled a triple flip cannonball to win this shit. Axelrod's pouting in his speedo. Friday, January 28, 2011 09:51:20 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1585. Out apartment hunting. Again. It's fucking hard to find a place that'll take both a dog and a duck. Friday, January 28, 2011 12:23:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1586. Couldn't find an apartment. Just moving into the crawlspace of my old house. Nobody tell the fucking asshole upstairs. Friday, January 28, 2011 04:43:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1587. Holy fucking fuck, it's finally motherfucking Friday fucking night. Longest fucking week ever. Friday, January 28, 2011 05:03:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1588. No furniture down here yet, so we're just sitting on boxes passing a bottle. Axelrod found a box of Legos, so he's in fucking heaven. Friday, January 28, 2011 05:35:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1589. Best part of being down here is that I get to wear my grandfather's pleather jacket. I look like motherfucking Fonzie. Aaaaay. Friday, January 28, 2011 05:41:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1590. freejoe76
    Joe Murphy
    Hey @MayorEmanuel -- how about doing an interview with someone who *doesn't* want to publish your story in a major media publication? Friday, January 28, 2011 05:42:31 PM via Echofon
  1591. @freejoe76 I'm thinking fucking no on that one, scoop. Friday, January 28, 2011 05:45:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to freejoe76
  1592. Just opened a box: motherfucking Twister! This night just got in-fucking-sane! Friday, January 28, 2011 06:54:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1593. Motherfucking Saturday meetings need to be constitutionally illegal. Saturday, January 29, 2011 09:02:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1594. I mean fucking seriously, you spend five fucking days a week being fucked in the ass by meetings. We really need to make it six? Saturday, January 29, 2011 09:06:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1595. Text from Plouffe: "Just lube up your asshole then, because you're recording robocalls today. " Fuck. Saturday, January 29, 2011 09:09:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1596. On take fucking forty-six on these robocalls. I'm this fucking close to biting the fucking head off this fucking microphone. Saturday, January 29, 2011 10:13:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1597. Motherfucking take fucking one hundred and twenty fucking six. Saturday, January 29, 2011 10:30:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1598. Fucking nailed it on take four fifty three. Ring ring, motherfuckers, I'm calling you up. Saturday, January 29, 2011 12:22:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1599. Just found a box of sheets in the crawlspace. We're going to cut out eyeholes and haunt the fuck out of Halpin upstairs. Saturday, January 29, 2011 06:27:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1600. alisavino
    Ali Savino
    @MayorEmanuel ok, i'll bite. what the fuck are you doing in a motherfucking crawl space? Did you fucking lose Carl the Intern again? Saturday, January 29, 2011 06:34:50 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1601. @alisavino it's not my job to catch you the fuck up. Saturday, January 29, 2011 06:36:00 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to alisavino
  1602. BOO! You stupid motherfucker. Saturday, January 29, 2011 07:01:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1603. Hambone looks fucking spooky as shit in his ghost sheet. Saturday, January 29, 2011 07:16:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1604. kalenski
    kalen
    Is Hambone the duck? So confused. RT @MayorEmanuel Hambone looks fucking spooky as shit in his ghost sheet. Saturday, January 29, 2011 07:19:01 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1605. @kalenski Jesus fucking Christ, Hambone is a motherfucking puppy. Quaxelrod is the duck. Keep up, asshole. Saturday, January 29, 2011 07:24:17 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to kalenski
  1606. Carl the Intern is wearing my wife's wedding dress under his sheet. "I'm the fucking Ghost Bride." Saturday, January 29, 2011 07:36:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1607. Axelrod has built a scale model of all of fucking Egypt out of Legos. It looks fucking amazing. Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:06:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1608. A whole crowd of Barbies just set the Ministry of Information on fucking Lego fire. Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:33:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1609. A can of Barrel O Monkeys is trying to loot the Lego museum, but they're being stopped by a floppy sheriff doll and a spaceman toy. Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:41:24 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1610. Oscar_Wang
    Oscar Wang
    @MayorEmanuel that last tweet was probably the first one w/o the word "fuck" in it Mr. Mayor... Get it fucking right! Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:54:09 AM via Twitter for iPad in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1611. @Oscar_Wang fuck you, you stupid fucking shitbag. Sunday, January 30, 2011 11:02:11 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Oscar_Wang
  1612. There's a toy standoff in front of the Lincoln Logs Department of the Interior. The My Pretty Ponies refuse to move the fuck along. Sunday, January 30, 2011 11:05:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1613. Oh fuck. Quaxelrod just ate Lego Mubarak. Sunday, January 30, 2011 11:29:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1614. Spent all goddamn day at the vet getting that goddamn Lego out of Quaxelrod. Now running late to Tweedy's fucking fundraiser. Sunday, January 30, 2011 05:47:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1615. Tweedy's being pissy because he doesn't want to play any Black Eyed Peas songs. What the fuck? People love that shit. Sunday, January 30, 2011 07:18:52 PM via web
  1616. Not saying they're a good band--they're fucking terrible. But if you want people with money to give that shit away, play the Black Eyed Peas Sunday, January 30, 2011 07:21:54 PM via web
  1617. But no, Tweedy's pulling this fucking "I'm in Wilco, so I'm going to play Wilco songs" bullshit, like he knows anything about fundraising. Sunday, January 30, 2011 07:23:07 PM via web
  1618. I told him that he can stuff his fucking guitar up his ass and go play for Chico--he'll make his troubadour ass play Beiber. Sunday, January 30, 2011 07:25:05 PM via web
  1619. So it goes without fucking saying, that he's going out there and playing "I Gotta Feeling," right fucking now. Sunday, January 30, 2011 07:26:44 PM via web
  1620. RickSigler
     
    @MayorEmanuel I'm not supporting your campaign until I see a large sausage and pepperoni from Giordano's at my front door. Non-negotiable. Sunday, January 30, 2011 07:34:06 PM via web
  1621. @RickSigler Have fun voting for Braun, asshole. Sunday, January 30, 2011 07:38:05 PM via web in reply to RickSigler
  1622. Also, would it fucking kill this motherfucker to smile every now and then? Cheer up, Tweedy! Sunday, January 30, 2011 07:42:26 PM via web
  1623. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1624. @TopSEO_Experts fuck you and your stupid fucking spam account. Sunday, January 30, 2011 09:54:42 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to TopSEO_Experts
  1625. Jesus fucking Christ, I just woke up in the back of the Wilco van. My bongo hand feels like it's fucking broken. Monday, January 31, 2011 08:40:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1626. Got back to the crawlspace and Axelrod's stockpiling canned goods. He just keeps muttering "storm coming." Fuck this shit. Monday, January 31, 2011 09:41:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1627. Axelrod handed me a shopping list and said, "We don't have much time." The fuck do we need oxygen tanks for? Monday, January 31, 2011 10:02:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1628. Also on Axelrod's Storm Survival list: 100 copies of today's Chicago fucking Tribune and 100 newspaper-sized picture frames. Monday, January 31, 2011 10:13:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1629. I asked Axelrod about the fucking newspapers. "It's for preservation for future generations, in case we don't survive the storm... " Monday, January 31, 2011 10:21:38 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1630. "... the fact that I'm on the cover is just pure fucking coincidence." But he's fucking smiling. Monday, January 31, 2011 10:22:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1631. Axelrod has Carl the Intern smoking meats down here. This whole crawlspace smells fucking incredible. Monday, January 31, 2011 10:50:54 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1632. lindsayiversen
    Lindsay Iversen
    @MayorEmanuel, are you actually campaigning for mayor anymore? Or are you just chilling with legos and cured meats until election day? Monday, January 31, 2011 11:03:39 AM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1633. @lindsayiversen I'd call a motherfucking successful fundraiser last night 'campaigning,' asshole. Monday, January 31, 2011 11:16:00 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lindsayiversen
  1634. Axelrod's list calls for twenty shovels, but I've hit six stores and only have eighteen. Fuck. Monday, January 31, 2011 02:01:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1635. Axelrod's response? "You want to be the asshole out there shoveling with his hands when we break the 18th,shovel just stop looking." Monday, January 31, 2011 02:02:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1636. The motherfucking Healthcare law is ruled un-fucking-constitutional? Fuck this motherfucking bullshit. Monday, January 31, 2011 02:14:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1637. Fuck Florida, fuck district courts, and fuck those tea-shitting fuck-party assholes. I worked too fucking hard on that bill. Monday, January 31, 2011 02:29:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1638. Is it a preexisting condition when every fucking healthcare opponent is a fucking cancer in my ass? Monday, January 31, 2011 02:36:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1639. maureenjohnson
     
    @MayorEmanuel Would you consider a fucking return to Washington, sir? We need you there. Monday, January 31, 2011 02:34:14 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1640. @maureenjohnson I'm on motherfucking fucking snow patrol for the next 48 hours. Monday, January 31, 2011 02:38:32 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to maureenjohnson
  1641. Carl the Intern just asked if I need him to go Supreme this healthcare bullshit too. The kid learns fucking fast. Monday, January 31, 2011 02:45:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1642. Snow preparations finally done. Now Axelrod just passed out our motherfucking sleeping shifts. 'Everyone gets two hours on watch. Everyone." Monday, January 31, 2011 05:19:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1643. The snowsuits Axelrod made for Hambone and Quaxelrod are adorable. Tiny fucking snowshoes. Tiny fucking hats. Monday, January 31, 2011 05:20:53 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1644. tigerflight
    beth b.
    @MayorEmanuel no mittens?!?! fucking amateur Monday, January 31, 2011 05:21:57 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1645. @tigerflight show me the fucking hand on a motherfucking duck or puppy. Fucking fucktard. Monday, January 31, 2011 05:24:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to tigerflight
  1646. Finished my first two-hour snow-watch shift. So far, it's just really fucking cold. Hambone's up next. Monday, January 31, 2011 09:52:33 PM via web
  1647. @johnfritchey You forgot to buy milk? You're so fucking fucked. Axelrod had us buy 40 gallons, so if you need one, ski over here. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:11:49 AM via web
  1648. Sweet fucking coffee. Axelrod had us buy 20 pounds of beans to weather the storm. I fucking doubled that. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:15:37 AM via web
  1649. Axelrod's built a cubicle out of oversize pork 'n' beans cans. He calls it "the weathercenter." It's been beeping all fucking night. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:24:30 AM via web
  1650. Report from Axelrod's weathercenter has the big storm hitting later this afternoon. Perfectly fucking reasonable to get drunk now. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:40:06 AM via web
  1651. Irish motherfucking coffee for the fucking win. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:41:38 AM via web
  1652. dullcatastrophe
    Evan
    @MayorEmanuel Did Axelrod get a generator for the grinder & coffee maker? It sounds obvious, but I want to make sure nobody dies. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:51:35 AM via TweetDeck
  1653. @dullcatastrophe The backup generators have motherfucking backups. We're covered. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:55:38 AM via web in reply to dullcatastrophe
  1654. designhawg
    Chris Courtney
    @MayorEmanuel, we're all going to have to dig out our cars after this storm. what's you stance on using chairs to hold a spot you dug out? Tuesday, February 1, 2011 09:32:19 AM via Twitter for Mac
  1655. @designhawg We already have fifteen lawn chairs and a motherfucking cast-iron stove waiting on the curb to fill Axelrod's spot. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 09:39:02 AM via web in reply to designhawg
  1656. Public Service Announcement: In about three hours, you're going to need a lot of fucking whiskey. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 12:49:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1657. Axelrod's outside just bellowing, "THE WIND IS PICKING THE MOTHERFUCK UP!" Tuesday, February 1, 2011 12:54:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1658. Axelrod's outside screaming, "ITS FUCKING HERE! IT'S FUCKING HERE!" Tuesday, February 1, 2011 03:25:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1659. Axelrod's got a line of Teamsters trucks parked outside and he's attaching plows to them. Motherfucking shovel fucking ready. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 03:53:08 PM via web
  1660. That's right Chico, Braun, and Del Valle, what do you got? Don't bring a motherfucking shovel to a plow fight. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 03:56:54 PM via web
  1661. maureenjohnson
     
    @MayorEmanuel How fucked are things going to be by this fucking storm, sir? Tuesday, February 1, 2011 03:54:49 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1662. @maureenjohnson Very fucking fucked. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 04:01:48 PM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  1663. johnfritchey
    John Fritchey
    This is what it's come to. I just did a media interview about @mayoremanuel. A guy with a duck + an intern is more newsworthy than me. FML Tuesday, February 1, 2011 01:57:47 PM via Twitter for Mac
  1664. @johnfritchey Worst part is when they bump even THAT for storm coverage. Face it: you're fucked. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 04:02:57 PM via web in reply to johnfritchey
  1665. Oh fuck. I already ate all the motherfucking Oreos. Thinking about sending Carl the Intern out to pick up more. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 04:05:49 PM via web
  1666. Axelrod just came in for a quick check-in at the Weathercenter. His eyes are shining like motherfucking beacons. "This is my time." Tuesday, February 1, 2011 04:09:38 PM via web
  1667. Sending Carl the Intern out on a sled, with Quaxelrod and Hambone mushing. Hope he's back with the fucking Oreos soon. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 04:16:53 PM via web
  1668. Looking out the periscope Axelrod hooked up. I'm pretty fucking sure snow isn't supposed to fall UP. What the fucking fuck. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 04:33:21 PM via web
  1669. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1670. @tailsofrachel there's nothing fucking imminent about it. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 04:35:25 PM via web in reply to tailsofrachel
  1671. Plan: When this shit is over, massive fucking snowball fight on Ravenswood. East side of tracks vs west side. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 04:44:04 PM via web
  1672. A giant fucking snowball rolled against crawlspace door. It busted open and out fell Carl the Intern, Hambone, Quaxelrod, and my Oreos. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 05:20:09 PM via web
  1673. Axelrod just called in from a Teamster truck. "We're going to go surf a plow on the lake. You in?" Fuck yes I'm in. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:26:40 PM via web
  1674. The plan: We're going to hit velocity on the Michigan Ave curve, launch into the water, and ride a motherfucking 18' wave to victory. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:31:45 PM via web
  1675. Holy fuck. Unless you've got a fleet of Teamsters to drive you around, STAY THE FUCK INSIDE. It's insane out here. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:41:33 PM via web
  1676. Me, I've got a fleet of Teamsters, and we're barreling down Milwaukee. ACES FUCKING HIGH, YOU MOTHERFUCKING STORM. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:45:45 PM via web
  1677. maureenjohnson
     
    @MayorEmanuel Like Florida in 2000 fucked, sir? Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:42:34 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1678. @maureenjohnson Like Florida in 1500 fucked. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:46:24 PM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  1679. Up on the roof of the cab, heading north down Lake Shore fast. Curve's coming up. Time to hang the fuck on... Tuesday, February 1, 2011 07:56:45 PM via web
  1680. ... and we're off the curve and in the goddamn air, flying. The wind and water are like wild animals fucking. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 08:02:28 PM via web
  1681. We caught the wave! It's a fucking twenty fucking footer, all fucking gray and ice and snarl. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 08:04:33 PM via web
  1682. Balanced on the roof of this plow cab, riding a fucking ice wave, in the middle of the worst fucking blizzard in a generation. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 08:06:30 PM via web
  1683. I'M THE FUCKING KING OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD! Tuesday, February 1, 2011 08:06:41 PM via web
  1684. Back at the crawlspace, hot toddies all the fuck around. Fucking stay the fuck warm, bitches. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 08:45:22 PM via web
  1685. MOTHERFUCKING THUNDERFUCKINGSNOW ALL UP IN HERE. Tuesday, February 1, 2011 10:22:52 PM via web
  1686. HOLY FUCK. IT IS INFUCKINGSANE OUTSIDE. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 08:47:41 AM via web
  1687. A downside to living in the crawlspace under my rented house: We're fucking snowed the fuck in. Not in--snowed fucking under. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 08:58:45 AM via web
  1688. Carl the Intern is designing a tunnel to get us the fuck out. "The key is that it doesn't collapse in on itself while we're inside." Wednesday, February 2, 2011 09:01:15 AM via web
  1689. Carl the Intern has emptied all the pork n beans onto the crawlspace floor and is welding the cans together into a fucking escape elevator. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 10:40:52 AM via web
  1690. When he presented the plans to me and Axelrod, he said, "It's pretty simple, really: We're going to Chilean Miner this shit." Wednesday, February 2, 2011 10:42:28 AM via web
  1691. I get the pork n beans elevator, but I'm still a little unclear on how we're actually digging the motherfucking escape tunnel. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 10:45:26 AM via web
  1692. Carl's got Hambone tunneling five shafts out, which will result in a "controlled implosion." Yeah, that sounds fucking safe. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 10:59:26 AM via web
  1693. Where did Carl learn all this? "I'm in the Junior Engineering club at Lane Tech." Fuck yes. Hambone, get those paws digging! Wednesday, February 2, 2011 11:02:11 AM via web
  1694. Rebecca_Bates
    Rebecca Bates
    The @MayorEmanuel narrative has become too complicated for me. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 11:09:46 AM via web
  1695. @Rebecca_Bates What's so complicated about an escape scenario involving a dog, cans of pork n beans, and an intern? Oh fuck. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 11:18:39 AM via web in reply to Rebecca_Bates
  1696. Hambone's done digging the shafts, now Carl'll trigger the implosion and we ride this pork elevator to fucking freedom. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 11:20:26 AM via web
  1697. And we're out. Holy fuck, it's fucking Hoth out here. Axelrod's handing out the goddamn shovels. Let's get digging. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 11:37:08 AM via web
  1698. What's up, motherfucking sun--nice to see you. A little fucking late though. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 11:55:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1699. Sun's out, streets are mostly clear. MOTHERFUCKING SNOWBALL FUCKING FIGHT. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 02:49:13 PM via web
  1700. MerrittPR
    Catherine M. Merritt
    I can't keep it in anymore... I'm the brains, humor and mother fucking tweets behind @MayorEmanuel. You're welcome https://bit.ly/fCw0tq Wednesday, February 2, 2011 04:40:26 PM via TweetDeck
  1701. @MerrittPR For a PR flack, you're actually a terrible fucking liar, you stupid fucking fuck. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 04:45:27 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to MerrittPR
  1702. Jesus fucking Christ, my arms fucking ache from all that fucking shoveling. Quaxelrod can barely lift his little wings. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 05:05:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1703. Carl the Intern built an igloo, and we're all just laying around in here, fucking whiskied and exhausted. Stay fucking warm. Wednesday, February 2, 2011 06:27:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1704. Motherfucking sweet fucking coffee. We're drinking it in motherfucking snow cups. Thursday, February 3, 2011 07:47:16 AM via web
  1705. Strategy session in the igloo, Plouffe's in over speakerphone. We can't understand a single motherfucking word he's saying. Thursday, February 3, 2011 08:10:59 AM via web
  1706. Seriously, this is fucking Plouffe: "I .... hrm... kit... fuck... and... shit... Quaxelrod... log." How the fuck does this fucking help? Thursday, February 3, 2011 08:20:41 AM via web
  1707. Fuck it, we've all left the igloo, just playing with Hambone in the snow. Plouffe's still on speaker being unin-fucking-telligible Thursday, February 3, 2011 08:25:45 AM via web
  1708. We're all in our fucking Arctic-grade snowsuits, just wandering. Axelrod's eyes are lit up, "It's like we're the last people on earth." Thursday, February 3, 2011 09:33:30 AM via web
  1709. It really does feel like the end of the fucking world. We're walking down the middle of the motherfucking Dan Ryan right now. Thursday, February 3, 2011 10:09:05 AM via web
  1710. Quaxelrod fucking owns the motherfucking express lanes. Waddling like a bad-ass motherfucker. Thursday, February 3, 2011 10:12:00 AM via web
  1711. The Loop is fucking abandoned. We're swinging from the El tracks like they're motherfucking monkey bars. Thursday, February 3, 2011 10:40:42 AM via web
  1712. Now we're walking out on the Lake. It's just one giant fucking sheet of grey fucking ice. And it's just the five of us. Thursday, February 3, 2011 11:22:16 AM via web
  1713. There are a lot of things I can say I've done with my life. But now I can say I made a motherfucking snow angel on Lake Michigan. Thursday, February 3, 2011 12:50:10 PM via web
  1714. Finally ran into another person. And it's someone driving a motherfucking cupcake truck. Fucking cupcakes. Thursday, February 3, 2011 02:05:10 PM via web
  1715. Made it back to the igloo. Ran into a total of four people: cupcake driver, a guy on a donut run, and two canvassers for motherfucking Chico Thursday, February 3, 2011 03:16:30 PM via web
  1716. Carl the Intern did a incredible job on this igloo. It's got a couple little snow desks, a fridge, some fucking ice couches. Thursday, February 3, 2011 05:44:48 PM via web
  1717. He built a little fireplace, so we're warm in here. And we can actually stand up--major fucking benefit over the crawlspace. Thursday, February 3, 2011 05:46:28 PM via web
  1718. honeybadgerplz
    HoneyBadger Plz.
    @MayorEmanuel I think you mean "an incredible" instead of "a incredible," Mr. Emanuel. Thursday, February 3, 2011 05:46:30 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1719. @honeychildpleaz Who the fuck died and made you Webster's fucking Dictionary, you stupid fucking asshole. Thursday, February 3, 2011 05:47:08 PM via web in reply to honeybadgerplz
  1720. Carl even built a little second floor--sorry, "a lofted atrium"--where Hambone and Quaxelrod can hang out. This place is fucking awesome. Thursday, February 3, 2011 05:54:41 PM via web
  1721. Sitting in the igloo, passing a bottle around. Axelrod busted out his guitar and is singing Bon fucking Jovi. "On a steel horse I ride..." Thursday, February 3, 2011 09:07:34 PM via web
  1722. A belly warm with whiskey, a duck and a dog sleeping soundly, and your best friend playing Jovi. Motherfucking awesome. Thursday, February 3, 2011 09:29:40 PM via web
  1723. Motherfucking Jesus fucking Christ, coffee sure tastes absolutely fucking incredible this morning. Friday, February 4, 2011 07:43:29 AM via web
  1724. Finally digging out Axelrod's Civic. Starting to regret not getting the fucking passenger-side window replaced. Friday, February 4, 2011 09:18:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1725. With all this fucking snow, what are the chances of a giant fucking line at Hot Dougs today? Nobody tell Quaxelrod about the duck fat fries. Friday, February 4, 2011 09:48:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1726. livingminimal
    David
    @MayorEmanuel Waiting in lines is Carl the Intern's job. Send Quaxalrod to keep him warm. Friday, February 4, 2011 09:50:07 AM via Twitter for Mac in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1727. @livingminimal Carl's busy drafting our motherfucking economic plan. Friday, February 4, 2011 09:51:38 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to livingminimal
  1728. Tuuvan
    Andrew Cole
    @MayorEmanuel Taking bribes for plugs already? I'd have thought you'd wait until after the election. Friday, February 4, 2011 09:53:50 AM via Chromed Bird in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1729. @Tuuvan I always use Scott brand toilet paper when I tell people they're full of fucking shit. Friday, February 4, 2011 10:02:23 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Tuuvan
  1730. Motherfucking meetings all afternoon. Don't people understand that it's fucking Friday? Friday, February 4, 2011 03:43:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1731. Chicago fucking Tribune endorsement, bitches! Think of how fucking awesome that would be if anyone fucking read a newspaper. Friday, February 4, 2011 04:38:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1732. More motherfucking meetings. It's cute that someone still thinks there's a race, but it's cutting into my motherfucking Friday. Friday, February 4, 2011 05:10:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1733. Just walked the fuck out of that meeting. Fuck everything: it's Friday fucking night! Friday, February 4, 2011 06:09:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1734. The motherfucking party is in the motherfucking igloo tonight. Friday, February 4, 2011 07:05:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1735. maureenjohnson
     
    @MayorEmanuel How long do you think it will be before you get back to your fucking house, sir? Friday, February 4, 2011 07:10:41 PM via Twitter for iPhone in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1736. @maureenjohnson The asshole's lease is up in motherfucking May. Friday, February 4, 2011 07:16:05 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to maureenjohnson
  1737. Coffee, bitches. The secret is motherfucking coffee. Saturday, February 5, 2011 08:10:52 AM via web
  1738. Visiting early voting centers today. If you want to stop by, I'll be the fucking guy wearing the giant foam voting booth. Saturday, February 5, 2011 08:30:20 AM via web
  1739. Chico just showed up wearing a huge inflatable Chico costume, and he's pretending to use my foam booth to vote. Fuck. Saturday, February 5, 2011 10:11:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1740. Great, now Braun's here--regular size--and she's fucking pretending to vote too. Why the fuck aren't there armholes in this fucking suit? Saturday, February 5, 2011 10:39:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1741. Del Valle just arrived and is taking inflatable Chico to task for double fucking voting. Ha fucking ha. Saturday, February 5, 2011 11:09:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1742. He started out saying, "This giant foam voting booth is sacred... " Then I tuned him out just like every fucking other time Del Valle talks. Saturday, February 5, 2011 11:15:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1743. KaitlinHenry
    Kaitlin Henry
    Skipping the coffee cup today and using a fucking funnel. @MayorEmanuel knows what I'm saying. Saturday, February 5, 2011 11:36:41 AM via web
  1744. @KaitlinHenry I hear you. Some mornings are motherfucking funnel mornings. Saturday, February 5, 2011 12:13:51 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to KaitlinHenry
  1745. Holy fuck, foam-rubber costumes really stiffen up when you're out in the fucking cold all day. Saturday, February 5, 2011 04:48:25 PM via web
  1746. Shuffling my way back to the igloo now, this frozen foam voting booth is like walking around in a fucking block of wood. Saturday, February 5, 2011 04:54:21 PM via web
  1747. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1748. @Lionfisile You really don't fucking understand what the word "rhyme" means, do you? Saturday, February 5, 2011 05:12:04 PM via web in reply to Lionfisile
  1749. Jen3317
    Lucy
    hmmm...you're not very funny today @mayoremanuel. Foam voting booth?? Really?? Saturday, February 5, 2011 07:33:35 PM via Twitter for iPhone
  1750. @Jen3317 Feel free to ask for you motherfucking money back. Saturday, February 5, 2011 07:48:45 PM via web in reply to Jen3317
  1751. Carl the Intern just finished splicing into the asshole's cable, so now this motherfucking igloo gets 148 channels. HGTV, bitches. Saturday, February 5, 2011 07:52:01 PM via web
  1752. House Hunters is on next. Axelrod is motherfucking beside himself. "Which goddamn house are they going to choose?" Saturday, February 5, 2011 09:49:05 PM via web
  1753. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1754. @Shelley723 Live tweet it? Fuck that. I'm going to savor this shit. Saturday, February 5, 2011 09:51:52 PM via web in reply to Shelley723
  1755. jebarton
    Janelle Barton
    @MayorEmanuel Doesn't that asshole notice a fucking igloo on his lawn? Saturday, February 5, 2011 09:50:34 PM via web
  1756. @jebarton There's a lot of fucking snow here. It just blends the fuck in. Saturday, February 5, 2011 09:52:19 PM via web in reply to jebarton
  1757. jrho_jrho
    jrho
    @MayorEmanuel Holmes on Homes is the best! That Canadian motherfucker knows how to fix shit up. Saturday, February 5, 2011 09:58:38 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1758. @jrho_jrho Fucking tell me about it. Axelrod just calls that show H&H and changes into his own brown overalls when he watches it. Saturday, February 5, 2011 10:01:06 PM via web in reply to jrho_jrho
  1759. House number one? What the fuck is that bullshit?! I'd give the rest of my fucking finger stub for house number three! Saturday, February 5, 2011 10:25:34 PM via web
  1760. I'm living in a motherfucking igloo, and you assholes choose a piece of shit house like number one? Fuck these fucking House Hunters. Saturday, February 5, 2011 10:33:53 PM via web
  1761. Oh great, just what we need: more motherfucking, goddamn, shit-assing snow. Sunday, February 6, 2011 07:36:18 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1762. Axelrod is insisting that he has this fucking shit under control, but we're all a little afraid that he's gone a bit snowmad. Sunday, February 6, 2011 08:24:22 AM via web
  1763. Axelrod's eyes are fucking wild, like Shackleton's on his last expedition. Sunday, February 6, 2011 08:25:47 AM via web
  1764. Axelrod's gripping that shovel a little too tightly, and ranting about crystalline formations. This might not fucking end well. Sunday, February 6, 2011 08:42:50 AM via web
  1765. Pretty sure Axelrod thinks we're all snowmen. He keeps yelling, "Where's your magic fucking top hat, you snowy fucks?" Sunday, February 6, 2011 08:48:47 AM via web
  1766. Holy fuck: He's taking fucking swings at us with his shovel now. We're ducking 'em, but he's taking chunks out of the igloo. Sunday, February 6, 2011 08:58:47 AM via web
  1767. Axelrod's yelling "CORN COB PIPE"--swing--"BUTTON NOSE"--swing--"TWO EYES MADE OUT OF COAL"--swing. We are so fucked. Sunday, February 6, 2011 09:03:36 AM via web
  1768. Carl the Intern, Hambone, and I are backed into a fucking corner here. This may be it for us. Axelrod's got the shovel up over his head. Sunday, February 6, 2011 09:15:41 AM via web
  1769. Jesus fucking Christ, we're all fucking crying here. He's just standing there, quivering, ready to strike. Someone tell Amy I loved her. Sunday, February 6, 2011 09:20:31 AM via web
  1770. HOLY SHIT! IT'S QUAXELROD!! That little fucking duck just swooped in and has Axelrod by the 'stache. We're saved! Sunday, February 6, 2011 09:25:34 AM via web
  1771. It's over. We're all sitting in the igloo together, sobbing. It's been a hard race. Someone was going to fucking snap eventually. Sunday, February 6, 2011 09:43:58 AM via web
  1772. Man, Quaxelrod really took a good chunk off Axelrod's mustache. What a great fucking duck. Sunday, February 6, 2011 09:45:50 AM via web
  1773. Things are good here now. We're all going to head out to brunch and then get busy not watching the motherfucking Superbowl. Sunday, February 6, 2011 10:00:51 AM via web
  1774. jpnussba
    Josh Nussbaum
    @MayorEmanuel Idea for next storyline: You and Quaxelrod go to the aquarium and jump over a shark. Sunday, February 6, 2011 02:01:51 PM via ƜberTwitter in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1775. @jpnussba Actually, the aquarium has really pretty shitty sharks, and "jumped the beluga" doesn't fucking sound right. Sunday, February 6, 2011 02:48:06 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jpnussba
  1776. Picked up a bucket of chicken, and am settling into the igloo to watch a tape of the 1985 Superbowl. Go fucking Bears! Sunday, February 6, 2011 05:45:21 PM via web
  1777. Ran into Chico while picking up chicken. He said he was watching "just for the commercials," which confirmed that he's a raging douche. Sunday, February 6, 2011 05:54:05 PM via web
  1778. God, I fucking miss this you, Sweetness. When you ran the ball, it really was like you were making romance. Sunday, February 6, 2011 05:55:26 PM via web
  1779. Second fucking half of Superbowl XX. I know how it end, but I fucking cry every time. Tears of fucking joy. Go Bears. Sunday, February 6, 2011 07:36:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1780. Christ, we're just watching, rewinding, and re-watching when the Fridge runs in for the motherfucking TD. Go Bears. Sunday, February 6, 2011 08:33:46 PM via web
  1781. God, XX really was the greatest game that was ever fucking played. Our matching '85 Bears sweaters are aglow. Sunday, February 6, 2011 08:42:58 PM via web
  1782. CUE THE SUPERBOWL MOTHERFUCKING SHUFFLE. Sunday, February 6, 2011 08:56:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1783. Ended up staying up all night rewatching Superbowl XX over and over. My entire fucking day is going to be fueled by coffee. Monday, February 7, 2011 07:46:43 AM via web
  1784. Sweet motherfucking coffee, I love you more than I love myself. Monday, February 7, 2011 07:59:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1785. spencerkeys
    Spencer Keys
    @MayorEmanuel How The Fridge Lost His Way https://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs/2010/news/story?id=6091766 Monday, February 7, 2011 09:33:21 AM via web
  1786. @spencerkeys Well that was the most motherfucking depressing thing I've ever read, fucking ever. Monday, February 7, 2011 11:15:22 AM via web in reply to spencerkeys
  1787. Working on my economic innovation plan, but really need a motherfucking mustard out of my shirt innovation plan instead. Monday, February 7, 2011 12:18:42 PM via web
  1788. You know what doesn't work? Bleach. Now I have a white spot on my blue shirt, and a motherfucking chemical burn on my chest. Monday, February 7, 2011 12:34:33 PM via web
  1789. Bleach burn remedy: lay down shirtless in the snow. It stings for a minute, but then you don't feel a fucking thing. Monday, February 7, 2011 01:16:08 PM via web
  1790. meredithshiner
    Meredith Shiner
    Like many, twitter newcomer David Axelrod follows @MayorEmanuel but not the real @RahmEmanuel...or @Quaxelrod https://politi.co/i4YIai Monday, February 7, 2011 03:22:29 PM via web
  1791. @meredithshiner Man, they really have you on the crack fucking assignments, don't they? Monday, February 7, 2011 03:56:11 PM via web in reply to meredithshiner
  1792. Best thing about being endorsed by Jesse White is getting to hang out with the fucking Tumblers. Motherfucking back flips! Monday, February 7, 2011 04:05:12 PM via web
  1793. HOLY FUCK: Carl the Intern can fucking flip clear over the goddamn igloo. The Jesse White Tumblers are going fucking nuts! Monday, February 7, 2011 04:46:12 PM via web
  1794. Axelrod just tried to clear the igloo too, and now we've got an Axelrod-shaped hole in the wall. Fuck. Monday, February 7, 2011 04:52:23 PM via web
  1795. Also, he appears to have a pretty fucking wicked concussion. Just fucking perfect. Monday, February 7, 2011 04:56:36 PM via web
  1796. mhemgesberg
    Marcie Hemgesberg
    @MayorEmanuel But how's the igloo?! Monday, February 7, 2011 04:57:39 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  1797. @BossPrez Nothing a little snow can't fix. And oh look what's falling from the sky right motherfucking now. Monday, February 7, 2011 04:59:10 PM via web in reply to mhemgesberg
  1798. MOTHERFUCK THIS FUCKING SNOW. Monday, February 7, 2011 05:30:31 PM via web
  1799. Do yourself a favor, and don't look at the motherfucking weather report for the next few days. Monday, February 7, 2011 09:17:03 PM via web
  1800. We've sent Carl the Intern out to harpoon a motherfucking whale so we can use the blubber to keep warm. Monday, February 7, 2011 09:24:22 PM via web
  1801. Been carving whale blubber since Carl got back. Upsides: So motherfucking warm. Downsides: It really fucks up a suit. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 07:44:07 AM via web
  1802. Now that these fucking blubber coats are finished, Axelrod wants to go hunt sabertooth cats, but I was thinking mastadon ride. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 07:49:31 AM via web
  1803. Before you give me shit about my whale blubber coat, I'm pretty sure I saw a Groupon ad that said it was OK. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 07:54:11 AM via web
  1804. Riding a Mastodon over to unveil my economic innovation plan. It's so fucking cold even the Mastodon is shivering. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 09:17:21 AM via web
  1805. Unveiling my economic innovation plan at a novelty T-shirt company. Yes, the irony is so motherfucking palpable you could put it on a shirt. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 09:34:55 AM via web
  1806. Axelrod fucking loves this place: "I'm voting up 715 different designs with mustaches on them." Tuesday, February 8, 2011 09:42:42 AM via web
  1807. Original plan was to do this speech at Groupon, but now everyone thinks they're fucking assholes. Note to self: Lay off the Tibet jokes. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 09:50:21 AM via web
  1808. So now I'm talking about innovation in a warehouse, wearing a T-shirt with a unicorn on it. Actually, that part's fucking awesome. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 09:55:34 AM via web
  1809. This is the second time I've been to this place, and they still insist on giving me a tour. It's still just giant fucking boxes of shirts. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 10:02:43 AM via web
  1810. Speech preview: "We're Chicago. Maybe--just fucking maybe--we can build something better than stupid T-shirts and half-off deals." Tuesday, February 8, 2011 10:08:22 AM via web
  1811. Speech preview: "I remember when Daniel Burnham kicked the fucking world in the nuts. Let's get back to being a town of fucking nut-kickers. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 10:11:36 AM via web
  1812. Speech preview: "Because somehow this town has confused driving fucking cupcakes around with goddamn innovation." Tuesday, February 8, 2011 10:14:54 AM via web
  1813. Speech preview: "So Chicago, let's stop screwing around. Let's be like the Unicorn on my T-shirt: Fucking incredible." Tuesday, February 8, 2011 10:18:20 AM via web
  1814. Speech preview: "You can fuck around with stupid shit all you want, but in the meantime New York is making us look like chumps. Again." Tuesday, February 8, 2011 10:29:31 AM via web
  1815. And then the plan is to just lead everyone in chanting "FUCK NEW YORK!" and fucking hi-five the shit out of everyone. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 10:30:29 AM via web
  1816. chitownpolitics
    Slats Lonigan
    .@mayoremanuel no time for such a vital topic? RT @inthesetimesmag: Candidates, not Rahm, on keeping public access TV. https://bit.ly/gjaY4r Tuesday, February 8, 2011 05:33:01 PM via TweetDeck
  1817. @chitownpolitics You're motherfucking kidding me, right? Tuesday, February 8, 2011 07:17:41 PM via web in reply to chitownpolitics
  1818. Burning whale blubber in the igloo tonight. It's motherfucking warm, but it smells like death. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 07:22:53 PM via web
  1819. Axelrod keeps checking the thermometer and announcing the temperature as it plunges. It's like we're descending into a frozen fucking hell. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 08:49:55 PM via web
  1820. "Five degrees." This whale blubber had better be all they say it is, or we're going to be frozen fucking fish sticks by morning. Tuesday, February 8, 2011 09:12:41 PM via web
  1821. Sweet fucking Jesus, thank you for these motherfucking coffee-sicles. They bring icy salvation. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 07:24:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1822. Hambone just delivered new poll numbers. Fifty-four percent? I think I can feel my motherfucking toes again. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 07:34:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1823. knash99
    Kim Nash
    @MayorEmanuel at the risk of being berated, i have to ask: why are you living in an igloo? Wednesday, February 9, 2011 07:35:27 AM via web
  1824. @knash99 because it's better than living in a motherfucking crawlspace. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 07:38:17 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to knash99
  1825. We've carved out a sledding hill in the shape of Braun's poll trends, but we're all scared to try it: too fucking steep. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 07:46:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1826. Axelrod tried it, and I think he woke up half of Ravenswood screaming as he went down. "Ride of a fucking lifetime!" Wednesday, February 9, 2011 07:55:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1827. Danny Davis just showed up with a sled and a hairdryer. "I'm going to sled your damn Mt. Braun and then melt it into motherfucking nothing." Wednesday, February 9, 2011 08:11:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1828. FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKING COLD. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 08:48:52 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1829. When this fucking race is over, I swear to fucking god, I'm going on a motherfucking vacation somewhere warm. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 02:10:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1830. Whoever thought it was a good idea to hold a fucking election in February is getting a motherfucking cock punch on the 23rd. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 02:41:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1831. Plouffe just e-mailed video of a new ad. I think it's fucking adorable that he still thinks there's a race going on. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 04:35:32 PM via web
  1832. CODE FUCKING RED: Whoever scheduled me to be at both a candidate forum and a debate tonight is going on my cock-punch list. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 06:13:40 PM via web
  1833. The only thing getting me through this bullfuck of a night is visualizing that I'm somewhere else. Somewhere warm. With a water slide. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 06:34:11 PM via web
  1834. Forum and debate complete. Now it's time to lock myself in a bathroom and scream for about ninety motherfucking minutes. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 08:13:11 PM via web
  1835. Nope, screaming didn't help one fucking bit. Going to end up washing that debate down with a pint of motherfucking whiskey. Wednesday, February 9, 2011 09:51:41 PM via web
  1836. Hanging out with nerds at Google today. Up half the night building up my elfin sorcerer, in case anyone throws down a motherfucking 20-side. Thursday, February 10, 2011 07:27:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1837. That said, I may need a chalice of motherfucking mead to help me deal with these geeks. Thursday, February 10, 2011 07:29:58 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1838. Carl the Intern is beside himself with excitement though. He's been reciting the digits in motherfucking pi for an hour now. Thursday, February 10, 2011 07:33:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1839. 3.14159265... great, now this bullshit is stuck in my motherfucking head too. Thursday, February 10, 2011 07:39:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1840. Axelrod's having me memorize Monty Python lines, "you know, for the nerds," but I think he just wants someone to fucking do them with him. Thursday, February 10, 2011 07:47:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1841. If I understood half of what was in this speech, I'd feel a lot less nervous. What the fucking fuck is a "persistent data store"? Thursday, February 10, 2011 07:52:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1842. Carl just spent 15 minutes trying to explain what a "multiverse" is. You mean there're other me's? My head fucking hurts. Thursday, February 10, 2011 08:10:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1843. I need a break from all this hobbiton, time-travel, multiverse bullshit. Where's my fucking New York Times? Thursday, February 10, 2011 08:23:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1844. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK? Thursday, February 10, 2011 08:28:18 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1845. Axelrod just came out in his Tron outfit and Carl is changing into his wizarding cloak. I just look like a fucking chump in a suit. Thursday, February 10, 2011 08:45:40 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1846. Well this is the first talk I've ever given where half of the audience is on motherfucking Segways. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:21:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1847. Eric Schmidt just wheeled in on his Segway, and is circling me, tossing fucking headfakes. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:25:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1848. I might have to do a motherfucking Bing search to figure out a way out of here. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:27:56 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1849. Schmidt wheels right up to my fucking face and says, "I know what you're thinking: Maybe I should have taken the blue pill." Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:30:27 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1850. Don't ask me how it happened, but we're out on Kinzie right now getting ready to Segway joust. I'm so fucking fucked. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:06:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1851. Holy fuck. You don't quite understand pain until you've been knocked on your ass by a nerd on a Segway. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:14:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1852. Schmidt's just wheeling back and forth, yelling, "YOU WANT SOME MORE, BITCH?" I assure you that I didn't even want it the first fucking time Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:19:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1853. Now Schmidt's giving a speech that Axelrod says is from the movie "300," but I wouldn't know, cause I'm not a fucking nerd. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:22:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1854. I have no idea what he's even saying, but Axelrod tells me when Schmidt gets to the line, "Madness? THIS IS GOOGLE!" We need to fucking run. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:26:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1855. Running. Holy fuck, we're running. And we're being pursued by 300 fucking geeks. Geeks with motherfucking swords. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:33:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1856. Hiding out under the LaSalle bridge. We can hear the fucking Google Segways overhead, but figure they'll run out of batteries eventually. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:46:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1857. You know, shit like this never happened back when I was a fucking dancer. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:56:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1858. Made it back to the igloo. Eric Schmidt and his fucking Google Goons finally wheeled away when they realized they were missing Stargate SG1. Thursday, February 10, 2011 07:50:11 PM via web
  1859. You know what this day needs? A motherfucking debate. Here we go. Thursday, February 10, 2011 09:30:51 PM via web
  1860. I swear to fucking god, there are more people asking questions than answering them in this debate. Thursday, February 10, 2011 09:34:58 PM via web
  1861. Wait a second: What the fuck is a nanotechnology again? Just really small shit? Thursday, February 10, 2011 09:44:04 PM via web
  1862. And also: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? Thursday, February 10, 2011 09:44:26 PM via web
  1863. Holy fuck, we're saved: invest in nanotech and hardware stores. Can I just walk out? Is that allowed? Thursday, February 10, 2011 09:48:41 PM via web
  1864. We can answer questions just based on reviews we've read about shit? That's awesome, because I have Yelp fucking ready to go. LET'S DO THIS. Thursday, February 10, 2011 09:54:09 PM via web
  1865. Where have I been scared in this city? HOLY FUCK THIS IS THE DUMBEST FUCKING DEBATE EVER. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:10:47 PM via web
  1866. You know what? Quaxelrod was right: Everyone in this race is motherfucking crazy. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:12:52 PM via web
  1867. End of a stupid fucking debate means it's time to get stupid fucking drunk. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:36:59 PM via web
  1868. Dear coffee, you are the motherfucking greatest of all of mankind's inventions. Friday, February 11, 2011 07:25:58 AM via web
  1869. So now we have to endure Chico strutting around like a motherfucking peacock because he's only losing by 30 points, huh? Friday, February 11, 2011 07:39:32 AM via web
  1870. Axelrod's doing TV this morning, which is a bummer because he was going to help fortify the igloo for the coming melt. Fuck. Friday, February 11, 2011 07:43:40 AM via web
  1871. Hambone brought in today's itinerary: Some motherfucking map company. Great. More fucking nerds. Friday, February 11, 2011 09:37:18 AM via web
  1872. For all the nerds I've put up with this week, I'd better spend every fucking day next week being dunked by Derrick Rose. Friday, February 11, 2011 09:38:50 AM via web
  1873. I have completely run out of shit to say to nerds. Maybe I'll just give them a word problem and be done with this fucking bullshit. Friday, February 11, 2011 10:15:15 AM via web
  1874. If someone could actually tell me what this motherfucking company actually does, that'd be a big fucking help. Everywhat? Friday, February 11, 2011 10:26:37 AM via web
  1875. Carl the Intern is trying to explain it to me, but if he says "geo"-anything one more fucking time, I'm walking out. Friday, February 11, 2011 10:28:12 AM via web
  1876. I'm geolocating my ass out of this fucking place. Here's to a motherfucking geek-free weekend. Friday, February 11, 2011 11:34:47 AM via web
  1877. adrianholovaty
    Adrian Holovaty
    @alykat Ha, yes, I was wondering what @MayorEmanuel would write about the @everyblock visit. Friday, February 11, 2011 11:58:54 AM via web in reply to alykat
  1878. @adrianholovaty thanks for hosting, and for promising that nerd isn't motherfucking contagious. Still going to for a second opinion. Friday, February 11, 2011 12:11:41 PM via web in reply to adrianholovaty
  1879. juggernautco
    Daniel X. O'Neil
    Hey @MayorEmanuel: Hambone left a little present in the corner over here -- might want to send someone to pick it up, k? Friday, February 11, 2011 12:22:43 PM via web
  1880. @juggernautco He's a good puppy. I knew he left it there. Just be glad I didn't light it on fucking fire first. Friday, February 11, 2011 12:25:48 PM via web in reply to juggernautco
  1881. Oh my fucking god, it is not goddamn snowing again, is it? Friday, February 11, 2011 01:44:59 PM via web
  1882. Carl the Intern is sketching out designs for an airplane that we can fly up into these fucking snow clouds. It's motherfucking payback time. Friday, February 11, 2011 01:59:41 PM via web
  1883. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure you can build an airplane out of the shit in my motherfucking crawlspace. FUCK YOU, INACCESSIBLE CLOUDS. Friday, February 11, 2011 02:01:37 PM via web
  1884. Snow stopped, week's done, MOTHERFUCKING BEER O'CLOCK, BITCHES. Friday, February 11, 2011 05:00:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1885. Karaoke in the igloo tonight. Shit's gonna get fucking nuts. Penny Pritzker's bringing her golden karaoke machine. Friday, February 11, 2011 06:50:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1886. Axelrod shotgunned a beer and launched right into "Hot Blooded." Motherfucking karaoke night rules. Friday, February 11, 2011 07:08:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1887. Carl the Intern is absolutely fucking killing it on "Tiny Dancer." He said it was for someone special. I wonder who that is? Friday, February 11, 2011 07:35:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1888. Axelrod. Pritzker. "Islands in the Stream." That is what they motherfucking are. Friday, February 11, 2011 07:58:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1889. Everyone's cheering and telling me to and I'm just playing it fucking coy. Then I grab the mic and yell, "DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE??" Friday, February 11, 2011 08:17:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1890. "YOU'RE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING JUNGLE, BABY!" And let me tell you, at that point on this igloo is on fucking fire. Friday, February 11, 2011 08:18:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1891. We're all singing and I'm up on Axelrod's shoulders and my head is scraping against the snow ceiling, and I don't fucking care. Friday, February 11, 2011 08:23:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1892. This whole fucking world can lick "MY, MY, MY SERPENTINE!" Friday, February 11, 2011 08:27:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1893. Quaxelrod is quacking his way through motherfucking "No Sleep 'Till Brooklyn." Honestly, the verses are tripping him up a little. Friday, February 11, 2011 08:41:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1894. Penny's going solo on Cee Lo's "Fuck You," and she's amazing. Take that, Gwyneth--you fucking ruined Glee forever. Friday, February 11, 2011 08:52:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1895. Axelrod just stood up, poured a little out for dead homies, and started singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." A-fucking-mazing. Friday, February 11, 2011 09:06:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1896. And now we're all singing "Power of Love," arms clasped around each other's necks, and fuck all of you assholes, I fucking love my friends. Friday, February 11, 2011 09:23:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1897. 28 degrees? HOLY FUCK, IT'S SUMMERTIME. Saturday, February 12, 2011 08:11:11 AM via web
  1898. This is the first motherfucking morning in a hundred years where I'm not going to end up frozen to a commuter while shaking hands at the El. Saturday, February 12, 2011 08:24:58 AM via web
  1899. Summer loving: We're grilling the fucking coffee this morning. Hickory motherfucking smoked. Saturday, February 12, 2011 08:31:06 AM via web
  1900. 29 degrees now? This bitch breaks above freezing, and we're hitting the fucking beach. Saturday, February 12, 2011 09:24:15 AM via web
  1901. THIRTY MOTHERFUCKING THREE DEGREES. WE FUCKING MADE IT, CHICAGO! Saturday, February 12, 2011 10:20:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1902. Huh. This whole "living in an igloo" thing is about to get super fucking wet, isn't it? Saturday, February 12, 2011 02:10:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1903. I ate a fucked-up chicken salad sandwich today, and I've been dealing with my own personal mayoral runoff ever since. Saturday, February 12, 2011 07:30:04 PM via web
  1904. HOLY FUCK: We have achieved near-total structural failure of this motherfucking igloo. Abandon goddamn ship. Sunday, February 13, 2011 08:38:13 AM via web
  1905. We're fucking surfing the remains of the igloo. You served us well, our cold, snowy friend. Sunday, February 13, 2011 08:56:44 AM via web
  1906. It's absolutely fucking incredible outside. Axelrod's busted out the Speedo, and we're all motherfucking jealous. Sunday, February 13, 2011 12:27:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1907. Seriously, if you're not outside right now, you're clearly a fucking asshole. Sunday, February 13, 2011 12:41:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1908. We are grilling every motherfucking thing we can get our hands on. Come over, it's fucking awesome. Sunday, February 13, 2011 02:31:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1909. We pulled a Slip n Slide up from the crawlspace. Wet and wild, motherfuckers! Best fucking day ever. Sunday, February 13, 2011 03:10:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1910. Quaxelrod is soaring around this beautiful blue fucking sky. He's as free as a bird now. Sunday, February 13, 2011 03:23:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1911. Margaritas son jodidamente increĆ­ble cierto ahora. Sunday, February 13, 2011 03:49:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1912. Fuck you, sun! Don't fucking set on us, you fucking gas-bastard. Sunday, February 13, 2011 04:38:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1913. Our Grammy party got ruined when we remembered that the Grammys are motherfucking awful. Sunday, February 13, 2011 08:32:34 PM via web
  1914. We're cleaning a few dozen cans worth of pork n beans off the floor of the crawlspace. Escaped in such a hurry last week, we fucking forgot. Sunday, February 13, 2011 08:41:12 PM via web
  1915. Hambone, it should be said, is in fucking heaven. That little dog has probably eaten six cans' worth himself. What could go wrong with that? Sunday, February 13, 2011 08:43:37 PM via web
  1916. Carl the Intern's Valentine's surprise was to dye the coffee red. It looks like we're fucking drinking blood. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:47:10 AM via web
  1917. Axelrod's fucking into the blood-coffee "It's like I'm Edward." Monday, February 14, 2011 07:48:39 AM via web
  1918. I'm trying to track down a bouquet of nobody-gives-a-fuck for Braun. Fuck me if the florists aren't going to be swamped. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:57:37 AM via web
  1919. There's a motherfucking debate on Valentines Day? How fucking romantic. Monday, February 14, 2011 08:25:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1920. Couldn't find the flowers for Braun. Settled for a box of in-two-weeks-everyone's-going-to-fucking-forget-about-you-again. Monday, February 14, 2011 08:34:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1921. Valentine for Chico: On the front is a kitty holding a paper heart. Inside it says, "Let's go, asshole. Fuck you, Rahm." Monday, February 14, 2011 08:42:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1922. I keep starting a card for Del Valle, and then I get about eight percent done and wonder why I'm even fucking bothering. Monday, February 14, 2011 09:00:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1923. Debate prep: Axelrod's Chico, Carl the Intern in my wife's wedding dress is Braun, Hambone is Del Valle. Quaxelrod? Carol fucking Marin. Monday, February 14, 2011 03:23:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1924. To be honest, the duck is kicking all of our asses with these fucking questions. Monday, February 14, 2011 03:28:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1925. Quaxelrod is clearly angling for a news anchor gig, with all his feathered fucking showboating on these debate prep questions. Monday, February 14, 2011 04:00:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1926. Fuck this, I'm prepped. How hard can it be: schools, budget, cops, how fucking crazy Braun is. Done, done, done, and done. Monday, February 14, 2011 04:21:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1927. OK, Carol Marin, let's motherfucking debate this shit. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:02:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1928. Next debate, we should do this shit with motherfucking muppets. Del Valle would look incredible. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:07:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1929. Braun's zombie smile is fucking incredible. When I'm mayor, I'm appointing her to the committee of motherfucking crazy smiles. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:13:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1930. Basic debate strategy: Sit back and let everyone else motherfucking destroy each other. Chico Tea Party endorsement, go! Monday, February 14, 2011 07:19:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1931. So far Quaxelrod's prep questions were spot-fucking on. My "gotcha" should be about bread crumbs in the parks. Fucking ready. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:22:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1932. Motherfucking motherfuck, that question had nothing to do with motherfucking bread crumbs. My ass hurts. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:24:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1933. I hope Jody Weiss isn't doing his normal Monday-night drinking game on his name, because he's fucking gone by now. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:35:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1934. You know what's pathetic? That 70% of this debate is about corruption. Motherfucking Chicago, you're a hard fucking city to love sometimes. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:42:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1935. Personally, I was hoping we could talk a little more about motherfucking musical theater. Spamalot, bitches. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:50:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1936. Fucking goddamn done with that bullshit. VALENTINES NIGHT COMMENCE. Monday, February 14, 2011 07:56:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1937. Drinking the Carol Marin: bourbon, lemon syrup, bitters, sparkling wine. Delicious, and it'll kick your fucking ass. Monday, February 14, 2011 08:01:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1938. Sufficiently drunk to move on to the highlight of my Valentines' night: Throwing chunks of slush into the fucking lake. Monday, February 14, 2011 08:15:40 PM via web
  1939. Motherfucking coffee, you're all I fucking need today. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 07:58:53 AM via web
  1940. 50 Wards, 50 hours. Whoever the fuck thought of this is most definitely going on the cock-punch list. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 09:05:59 AM via web
  1941. I just visited my hundredth motherfucking El stop. One fucking week more of this shit and then all the pain goes away. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 09:26:07 AM via web
  1942. This would be a lot more tolerable if it was 50 wards in 50 minutes. Just gun the fucking Civic and fly through all of them. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 09:33:22 AM via web
  1943. Upside of this fucking 50 Wards concept: Pretty much every goddamn stop is a coffee shop. 50 motherfucking cups, let's go. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 09:53:46 AM via web
  1944. Another upside: Can really flesh out my "Wards that are pieces of shit" list. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:05:27 AM via web
  1945. Quaxelrod's giving me fucking grief about the lack of ponds in every ward. There's a motherfucking lake--appreciate that. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:26:14 AM via web
  1946. It would be motherfucking awesome if we weren't changing a tire in front of an old folks' home in the 40th Ward right now. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:39:39 AM via web
  1947. That's it, it's time for a Ward-off. 44 surrounded me with adorable children. The fuck you got, 36? Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:09:19 AM via web
  1948. Got word that the 20th Ward has built a pit filled with fun-sized candy bars for me to jump in. Fucking top that, 27th. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:30:14 AM via web
  1949. Jackpot: petting zoo in the 43rd Ward! You are so fucking fucked, 34th. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:35:50 AM via web
  1950. MOTHERFUCKING BABY GOAT ALERT. Holy fuck, it's so goddamn cute it hurts. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:42:22 AM via web
  1951. It's no baby goats, but the 42nd Ward had a pretty good comeback: They're all giving me piggy back rides. Fucking amazing! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:50:47 AM via web
  1952. Holy shit, Ward 26--a human-sized Italian Beef. I'm getting motherfucking dipped! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 01:03:20 PM via web
  1953. Word has it the 35th has set up a miniature Tokyo and has a big Godzilla suit for me to stomp it all with. Can't fucking wait! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 01:11:04 PM via web
  1954. Prize to the first ward that will just let me lie down and take a fucking nap. Maybe push the bed around a little, sing a song. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 01:15:35 PM via web
  1955. wbezacuddy
    alison cuddy
    @MayorEmanuel could you DM me? I have a proposal for you! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 01:16:49 PM via web
  1956. @wbezacuddy I've got eight hundred and forty-eight motherfucking reasons why that isn't going to happen. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 01:20:33 PM via web in reply to wbezacuddy
  1957. Hot air balloon in the 22nd ward. I can see motherfucking Joliet from up here! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 01:36:30 PM via web
  1958. Bumper boats in the 24th ward. You're in the motherfucking drink, Axelrod! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 02:01:32 PM via web
  1959. Holy fuck: the 28th Ward stole all the remaining snow from the 24th and build a huge luge run! LUGE MOTHERFUCKERS, LUGE! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 02:35:55 PM via web
  1960. Holy fuck, we're dragging that muffler down the motherfucking street, aren't we? I see fucking sparks out the back window. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 03:16:08 PM via web
  1961. Thanks, 29th Ward, for fixing our muffler! Too bad the 31st Ward just smoked your fucking ass with a block-long banana split. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 03:33:10 PM via web
  1962. Driving around these wards would be a whole lot fucking less boring if the goddamn radio in Axelrod's Civic wasn't busted. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 04:49:36 PM via web
  1963. I swear to fucking god, I will donate $2500 to the charity of your choice if you can come and fix this motherfucking radio. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 05:30:31 PM via web
  1964. Ward 39 made a motherfucking mashed potato Sears Tower. It even has working elevators. Fucking incredible! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 05:44:25 PM via web
  1965. The next motherfucking ward I visit had better have a fucking swimming pool filled with whiskey. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 06:04:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1966. Ward 41 came through with a motherfucking gin jacuzzi. Haven't sat in one of these since Thanksgiving at Ari's. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 06:33:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1967. Hide-n-seek in the crawlspace. I am stuffed so far into this fucking box of baby clothes that nobody is every going to find me. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 08:22:09 PM via web
  1968. I can hear them calling my name out there, but fuck it. I can lie stiller than the fucking lake on a windless night. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 08:25:45 PM via web
  1969. There's a couple picture books in this box if I get bored. And a big fucking stack of cloth diapers, so I'm good on that end too. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 08:28:54 PM via web
  1970. But here's the thing: I could stay in this box all fucking night, and you know who I am at the end it? An asshole in a box. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 08:33:04 PM via web
  1971. GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING TYPOS. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 08:35:07 PM via web
  1972. So really, what the fuck was the point of getting in this goddamn box in the first place? Oh right: because it's a motherfucking game. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 08:36:08 PM via web
  1973. So you fucking play the game the way it's played, right? Isn't that the whole motherfucking point of hide n seek: to not be found? Tuesday, February 15, 2011 08:42:44 PM via web
  1974. Fuck it: HIDE AND SEEK, MOTHERFUCKERS. I'll get out of this goddamn box of baby clothes when I'm motherfucking ready. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 08:47:12 PM via web
  1975. Which, admittedly, might be kind of soon because I think I just heard Axelrod pop a fucking beer. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 08:51:54 PM via web
  1976. Fell asleep inside this box. Have the worst fucking crick in my back and can't really move. Uh, Axelrod? Carl? Hambone? Quaxelrod? Anyone? Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:22:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1977. There was a shift in the night, and there's something on top of this box now. I can't get it open. Fucking trapped. With no coffee. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:30:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1978. Everyone else must be on day two of my wards tour. Which maybe is a blessing, because today is all the shitty wards. Looking at you, 14th. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:36:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1979. But really, there are only so many times a guy can read "Pat the Bunny," and this pile of cloth diapers is getting fucking short. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:40:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1980. I am so motherfucking hungry that I might eat this motherfucking jar of fermented baby food I found. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 08:02:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1981. Ate it. And holy fucking fuck, I swear to god the bunny on the cover of that book just winked at me. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 08:07:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1982. OK, nobody fucking panic, but this box is definitely getting fucking bigger. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 08:12:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1983. I remember packing this box, and don't remember fitting and entire field of fucking wheat in here. But that's what I'm standing in. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 08:17:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1984. Someone just ran by me in this wheat field. He was running fucking fast. All I saw was the number 34. Sweetness? Wednesday, February 16, 2011 08:21:59 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1985. Definitely Sweetness. He ran by again, this time with the Pat the Bunny bunny on his back. The fucking bunny turned and said "follow me." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 08:25:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1986. I have the distinct fucking feeling that this is going to be a long motherfucking day. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 08:26:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1987. We've been running through this wheat field for fucking hours now. It's so hot, I ripped a sleeve off my shirt to wipe away the sweat. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:03:00 PM via web
  1988. We've reached a clearing, and Sweetness turns and says, "We're here." It's a huge motherfucking tower made out of dibs chairs. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:05:47 PM via web
  1989. That fucking bunny hops off Payton's back and scampers up the tower, and Sweetness turns and says, "We've run together as far as we can." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:08:23 PM via web
  1990. I turn and say, "I don't know what to do," but Sweetness is already gone, the dulcet tones of the Superbowl Shuffle all that's fucking left. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:10:38 PM via web
  1991. Well, it's either walk back through that field of wheat or climb up this tower of dibs furniture. Motherfuck it, let's head up. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:15:02 PM via web
  1992. I'm probably a mile up this motherfucking tower of milk crates and lawn chairs. All I can see in every direction is wheat ringed by water. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 02:30:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1993. I've reached a landing, though the tower still fucking rises above. A door opens, and the disembodied head of Marshall Field floats out. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 02:35:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1994. You know what? Field may be a motherfucking disembodied head, but he still looks fucking classy. Dapper tie dangling down. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 02:41:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1995. Field's fucking luminescent mouth opens and he speaks: "If you want to run this city, there's some things you need to know." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 02:49:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1996. "This city burned once. The screams still haunt me. But my friends and I built it back." His head is floating fucking circles around me. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 02:53:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1997. "The river, it used to bubble with poison. It killed scores. My friends and I, we reversed it." I'm getting fucking dizzy. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 02:57:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1998. "At the end of all that horror, we built a city of dreams, my friends and I. They said we couldn't. We did." I'm going to be fucking sick. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 03:01:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1999. "It's a city that doesn't quit. It's a city that never stops believing." And he's humming some fucking tune I can't place. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 03:10:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2000. And I can feel myself passing out when Marshall Field floats right up to me, looks me in the fucking eyes and says: "He's looking for you." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 03:13:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2001. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FU... Wednesday, February 16, 2011 03:14:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2002. ..CK. I blacked out there. My motherfucking head is pounding. There's that fucking bunny again, climbing ever upward. Here we go. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:00:09 PM via web
  2003. We're up above the clouds now. Looking down is just a sea of pink fluff. Actually, it looks motherfucking delicious. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:05:55 PM via web
  2004. It's motherfucking beautiful up here, the sun making this tower of junk glow with the righteous power of millions of saved parking spaces. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:09:39 PM via web
  2005. I've climbed up to anther landing. Up here, the motherfucking heart of Studs Turkel is shining like a fucking beacon. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:15:38 PM via web
  2006. A figure walks in front of the heart, its bright light still filtering through his translucent form. "Thumbs up, my friend." Siskel! Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:19:38 PM via web
  2007. Gene Siskel's smile compete's with the light of Studs' heart. His thumbs are fucking enormous. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:21:36 PM via web
  2008. He's floating just slightly above the ground, but Siskel speaks with fucking gravity: "Studs' heart beats for all Chicagoans." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:25:35 PM via web
  2009. "Their shoulders are broad, but their hearts are fragile. You have to feel the pulse of the city," and he waves me towards the fucking heart Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:26:46 PM via web
  2010. I'm hugging the glowing fucking heart of Studs Turkel, and it's wet and it's bright, and I can feel all of you beat inside it. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:28:29 PM via web
  2011. And now Siskel is trying to pull me away with his giant fucking thumbs, but I want to stay holding this glowing heart forever. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:31:57 PM via web
  2012. "We don't have much time," Siskel's yanking me backwards now, and my chest feels fucking hollow as he does it. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:34:01 PM via web
  2013. "Look, there's something you need to know, about you. About this..." but my eyes are fucking blurred, and I can feel myself falling. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 05:35:42 PM via web
  2014. Landed. And I'm in a white room, and there's music playing softly. And there's no wheat, and no dibs tower. There's no fucking anything. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:13:21 PM via web
  2015. And out of the wall, just right there out of it, like it didn't exist at all, walks Curtis Mayfield. He's wearing a beautiful fucking suit. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:17:37 PM via web
  2016. And he's singing, really quietly, but it's beautiful. A slow version of "It's All Right." And I close my eyes, and I know that it is. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:18:54 PM via web
  2017. And he's putting his hand on my arm, the one that has the sleeve missing, and for the first time in fucking months, I just feel calm. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:20:07 PM via web
  2018. And the Pat the Bunny bunny comes running over, and hops into my arms. And he's so motherfucking soft, I could pat him forever. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:22:06 PM via web
  2019. And Curtis is just humming now and the bunny is so fucking soft. And you know what, if this is it, this is pretty fucking good. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:22:58 PM via web
  2020. But then Curtis says, in that beautiful fucking voice of his, "This isn't the kind of story where it turns out you're dead." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:28:28 PM via web
  2021. "You've got of life still ahead of you. Especially if you don't eat old shit you find in a box." Curtis fucking right on on that one. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:30:08 PM via web
  2022. "And there are a lot more stories still to tell. Just don't tell them with cheap-ass 'they were all dead' endings." I fucking won't, Curtis. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:32:01 PM via web
  2023. "But my brother, it's not life, or stories, that I want to talk about. It's my city. It's Chicago." I'm starting to feel fucking woozy again Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:33:43 PM via web
  2024. "Chicago is hurting. I can feel it," and he opens his suit and inside is no body, but the motherfucking skyline itself. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:36:11 PM via web
  2025. And Curtis Mayfield points to the fucking skyline inside his chest and he says, "It needs someone, someone to hold it, someone to love it." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:38:16 PM via web
  2026. And suddenly Curtis is singing again, just slow and low, and I can fucking feel the dance come back to me, and then we're dancing together. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:39:21 PM via web
  2027. And then Curtis leans in really fucking close and, in a whisper, he says, "There's something else you should know, man." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:41:55 PM via web
  2028. And he stops dancing and looks right at me and says, so quietly it's almost fucking inaudible, "He's looking for you." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:43:56 PM via web
  2029. And I can't even ask "who" before he he says, "You have to go, man. You have to go right now." And I can feel myself being pulled away... Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:45:21 PM via web
  2030. And I'm flying backwards fucking fast, but I hear Curtis yell out "NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS, MAN. WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT YOU?" Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:47:06 PM via web
  2031. Axelrod and Carl the Intern are pulling me out of the box. "We heard you screaming from the 19th Ward." I love my fucking friends. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 07:54:59 PM via web
  2032. Today coffee is a steaming cup of fucking awesome. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:28:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2033. All day prep for the final debate tonight on a hangover from hell. Someone keep the coffee motherfucking coming. Thursday, February 17, 2011 08:35:09 AM via web
  2034. An entire morning of prepping for an ass fucking of a debate. Every candidate's last chance to get a shot in. Fuck me. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:05:15 PM via web
  2035. I swear to fucking god, the prep in the afternoon may as well just be Fight-Club style: free fucking hits, come and get 'em. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:06:48 PM via web
  2036. Axelrod thought that sounded like a good idea, and just took a swing at me. So I'll be the candidate on stage with a shiner. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:10:25 PM via web
  2037. Debate prep: How to deflect all oncoming assaults from other candidates, up to and including being set on fire. Stop, drop and fucking roll. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:19:51 PM via web
  2038. Debate prep: If I'm challenged to a motherfucking duel, do it with swords not pistols. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:23:38 PM via web
  2039. Debate prep: If it turns into a running race, my size gives me a distinct advantage in the 50 and 100. Distance may be a fucking problem. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:27:55 PM via web
  2040. Debate prep: In a pickup game, if it looks like Chico's going in for a dunk, it's better to draw the foul by throwing a fucking elbow. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:31:10 PM via web
  2041. Debate prep: If we end up in a dance-off, those other motherfuckers are fucking done. Black Swan, bitches! Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:33:01 PM via web
  2042. Debate prep: If someone wheels in that Jeopardy-playing computer, I've got a motherfucking hammer at the ready. Thursday, February 17, 2011 01:06:47 PM via web
  2043. Holy shit, have you been outside yet? It's fucking warm! Let's do the debate outside, pool-party style. Thursday, February 17, 2011 03:31:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2044. Jesus fucking Christ, it's fucking nuts with puddles out here. Thursday, February 17, 2011 06:20:48 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2045. Who thought inviting 2000 people to this last debate was a good idea? Might as well have built the fucking Thunderdome. Thursday, February 17, 2011 06:37:31 PM via web
  2046. Also, it's fucking disappointing that the League of Women Voters aren't going to let us come in with pyro and entrance music. What the fuck. Thursday, February 17, 2011 06:41:25 PM via web
  2047. I'm walking around backstage just headfaking the fuck out of everyone. Thursday, February 17, 2011 06:49:51 PM via web
  2048. Wait a second--Del Valle has a motherfucking ventriloquist's dummy... nobody told me there was a fucking talent portion! Thursday, February 17, 2011 06:53:00 PM via web
  2049. OK, bitches. Let's debate this shit. This shit is so fucking ON. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:01:14 PM via web
  2050. She might be completely motherfucking crazy, but Braun's new haircut is fierce. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:05:02 PM via web
  2051. Hambone is still fucking pissed at me for the dog grooming tax. He's been getting extra walks to make up for it. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:09:22 PM via web
  2052. I am still 100 percent fucking positive that this debate would be way fucking better if we were using muppets. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:15:27 PM via web
  2053. I'm working on a sudoku when the camera's off me, and Jesus fucking Christ, it's making me fucking nuts. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:21:54 PM via web
  2054. Oh good, we've reached the "everyone shit on Rahm" part of the debate. It's cool, I'll go get my motherfucking raincoat. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:35:52 PM via web
  2055. I'm so glad I'm wearing my unicorn T-shirt under this suit. When I get down, I just think of that golden fucking horn, and I feel better. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:39:33 PM via web
  2056. I want to hire Del Valle to read me bedtime stories. He opens his mouth and a motherfucking Therm-a-rest mattress comes out. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:47:52 PM via web
  2057. If a casino actually ends up in Chicago, I swear to god, I'll never see Axelrod again. Slot fucking jockey. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:49:35 PM via web
  2058. Of all the debates I've been to, I think that Ron Majors, Captain Boring, and Fake Arianna Huffington are doing a pretty fucking good job. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:52:33 PM via web
  2059. LAST DEBATE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING RACE, I MADE YOU MY BITCH. Thursday, February 17, 2011 07:59:17 PM via web
  2060. Ron Majors, motherfucking beer me. Thursday, February 17, 2011 08:00:05 PM via web
  2061. Axelrod and I just loaded the Civic up with beer. We're heading out to Rockford to fucking party with the exiled Wisconsin Democrats. Thursday, February 17, 2011 08:50:39 PM via web
  2062. Holy shit, Rockford sucks. But these Wisconsin Dems are fucking awesome. Beer bongs and waterslides, bitches. Thursday, February 17, 2011 09:25:20 PM via web
  2063. Hey Wisconsin, fuck you for winning the Superbowl, but your motherfucking Senators are bad-ass. Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:27:56 PM via web
  2064. Feingold just showed up with a case of whiskey and a couple of pool noodles. This motherfucking party's going all night. Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:39:05 PM via web
  2065. Axelrod fucking owns this waterslide. He's fucking up there, calling out types of cheeses, and sending senators flying down. "Fontina!" Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:47:27 PM via web
  2066. Waterslides, Feingold, beer brats, whiskey, and some motherfucking crazy-ass Wisconsin Senators. I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE. Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:57:41 PM via web
  2067. Choking down coffee in a Mobil station on the way back from Rockford. It's like drinking motherfucking rotgut. Friday, February 18, 2011 07:29:32 AM via web
  2068. Up all night last night and this coffee is not fucking helping at all. Five more days of this motherfucking campaign. Friday, February 18, 2011 07:33:36 AM via web
  2069. Holy fuck, by the end of this weekend my shaking hand might just fall clean off. Friday, February 18, 2011 09:11:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2070. In strategy sessions all morning. It's four fucking days people, how hard can it be? Show up places, shake hands, don't be an ass. Friday, February 18, 2011 11:41:23 AM via web
  2071. Axelrod shot down my plan: Greet voters in a little booth under the Bean, because shit looks fucking CRAZY down there. Friday, February 18, 2011 11:55:19 AM via web
  2072. He also won't let me hang a tire swing from the Hancock Building or sleep in the dolphin tank at the Shedd. Four days of fucking suck. Friday, February 18, 2011 11:58:14 AM via web
  2073. 5:00! Motherfucking Friday fucking night starts right goddamn now. Friday, February 18, 2011 04:59:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2074. LakeviewGreg
    Lakeview Greg
    So @MayorEmanuel wont follow a fuckin person. Tweet dead mfuckin fish at him! Friday, February 18, 2011 05:16:10 PM via yoono
  2075. @LakeviewGreg why on gods motherfucking green earth would I follow any of you assholes? Friday, February 18, 2011 05:19:36 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to LakeviewGreg
  2076. HOLY FUCK, THE MOON IS MOTHERFUCKING ENORMOUS. Friday, February 18, 2011 07:04:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2077. I am the motherfucking donut king this morning. Saturday, February 19, 2011 08:42:53 AM via web
  2078. Hey Boehner--fuck you, you stupid orange fuck. Saturday, February 19, 2011 08:59:15 AM via web
  2079. OK, you sunny, chilly Saturday, prepare to get fucked. Saturday, February 19, 2011 09:26:35 AM via web
  2080. With all the snow melted, it takes Hambone about an hour to make it around one fucking block because of the mountains of shit he can sniff. Saturday, February 19, 2011 09:34:48 AM via web
  2081. This city is at its absolute ugliest when the snow melts. Fucking drifts of weeks-old Cheeto bags and Snickers wrappers. Saturday, February 19, 2011 09:55:23 AM via web
  2082. Motherfucking canoe races in Washington Park. Quaxelrod is smoking everyone's ass. Saturday, February 19, 2011 01:15:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2083. Girl Scouts on Cottage Grove! I am going to fuck up this box of Samoas! Saturday, February 19, 2011 02:54:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2084. Jesus fucking Christ, Samoa crash. I can't even fucking move. Saturday, February 19, 2011 03:12:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2085. Dornando
    Nancy Dornan Ahnell
    @MayorEmanuel They're Caramel Delights now. Box that says Samoas gotta be pretty old. You'll be dreaming of Siskel's enormous thumb. Saturday, February 19, 2011 03:16:01 PM via HTC Peep in reply to MayorEmanuel
  2086. @Dornando If I had the energy to lift this box, I could assure you that you're fucking wrong, you dumb fuck. Saturday, February 19, 2011 03:21:57 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Dornando
  2087. Coffee! You are motherfucking wonderful! Let me carry you gently in my goddamn belly! Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:06:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2088. Carl the Intern has been training a legion of volunteers this week. Chicago, prepare to get motherfucking hang tagged. Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:38:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2089. Carl calls them The InternCorps, they're all wearing these fucking green rings. "We'll be fine, as long as Chico's not wearing yellow." Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:48:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2090. Holy shit, the crawlspace is flooding! MOTHERFUCK YOU RAIN! Sunday, February 20, 2011 09:35:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2091. Spent the morning bailing out the crawlspace. Our sleeping bags are fucking soaked. Just fucking perfect. Sunday, February 20, 2011 10:51:28 AM via web
  2092. Quaxelrod's fucking loving it though, bobbing his way around all the board games and action figures floating around down there. Sunday, February 20, 2011 10:59:30 AM via web
  2093. Lynn Sweet thinks she's being cute publishing that old photo of me in a leotard. MOTHERFUCKING DANCE OFF, LYNN. LET'S GO. Sunday, February 20, 2011 11:12:06 AM via web
  2094. Lunch with the Jesse White Tumblers. This gray fucking day just got a whole lot brighter. Sunday, February 20, 2011 12:34:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2095. It's too wet to tumble outside, so the Tumblers have set up their mats and springboard here in the motherfucking restaurant. Yes! Sunday, February 20, 2011 01:03:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2096. The Tumblers are fucking amazing, flying right over the people eating. Each flip brings them closer to the ceiling. Beautiful! Sunday, February 20, 2011 01:24:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2097. Now everyone's fucking cheering--Jesse White, the Tumblers, the people eating--and one of the Tumblers calls out, "The runway's all yours!" Sunday, February 20, 2011 01:31:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2098. And everyone's cleared the way, made a space for me to run at the fucking springboard. And now I'm running as fast as I can. Sunday, February 20, 2011 01:35:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2099. AND I'M FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND I WISH THIS MOMENT COULD LAST FOR FUCKING EVER. Sunday, February 20, 2011 01:37:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2100. And I hit the mat and stick the landing and everyone's cheering except Jesse White who just gives me this awesome fucking two-finger point. Sunday, February 20, 2011 01:44:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2101. Two more motherfucking days of this campaign, and if flying through the air free as a bird is the best there is, well I'll fucking take it. Sunday, February 20, 2011 01:56:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2102. Now let's go dump some fucking Chico signs in potholes brimming with dogshit-infused rainwater runoff. Sunday, February 20, 2011 02:04:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2103. lynnsweet
    Lynn Sweet
    @MayorEmanuel....Me being cute? Just reporting. Anyway...up for an interview? Sunday, February 20, 2011 02:11:26 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  2104. @lynnsweet Fuck that shit. Dance-off or nothing, Lynn--you first. Sunday, February 20, 2011 02:21:58 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lynnsweet
  2105. lynnsweet
    Lynn Sweet
    @MayorEmanuel.... Danceoff? When? Please tweet a reply that does not have the F word in it so i can retweet to my followers... Sunday, February 20, 2011 02:56:54 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  2106. @lynnsweet You don't want to mess with the black swan, bitch. Sunday, February 20, 2011 03:29:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lynnsweet
  2107. Duck-taped a TV to the ceiling of the crawlspace and found some pool floats to sleep on. It's like living inside a fucking waterbed: amazing Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:23:01 PM via web
  2108. paulgamboa
    Paul Gamboa
    @MayorEmanuel is duck tape made out of Quaxlerod or did you mean duct tape? Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:25:50 PM via web in reply to MayorEmanuel
  2109. @paulgamboa who fucking died and made you the Home Depot? Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:27:42 PM via web in reply to paulgamboa
  2110. We're just bobbing around in this flooded crawlspace flipping between repeats of Martin and news from motherfucking Wisconsin. Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:37:35 PM via web
  2111. And maybe it's the fucking beer talking, but I see those shots from inside the fucking rotunda, and I just get weepy. Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:41:38 PM via web
  2112. I mean, yeah, all those people are fucked, but they're going to fucking go down fighting. Also important: Martin Lawrence is hilarious. Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:43:41 PM via web
  2113. Also: We've got our beer down under the floodwater, and Quaxelrod dives down when we need new cans. Ice fucking cold. Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:45:23 PM via web
  2114. Floating in my basement, watching TV with friends, drinking cold beer, 34 hours before polls open: fucking living the dream. Sunday, February 20, 2011 08:58:43 PM via web
  2115. Fucking shit fuck. Motherfucking overslept on the last fucking full day of campaigning. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:06:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2116. Hambone just brought the schedule: (1) shake 10,000 voters' hands (2) pick up Ari from the airport (3) keep Ari away from voters. Fuck. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:22:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2117. Let's just keep the motherfucking coffee coming, non-fucking stop. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:31:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2118. When I run for reelection, I'm having a motherfucking hand-shaking robot built. Monday, February 21, 2011 09:01:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2119. Carl the Intern and Axelrod are directing the InterCorps from "the command center"--a laptop and a map in the backseat of the fucking Civic. Monday, February 21, 2011 10:02:51 AM via web
  2120. Asked Carl how things were going, and he said "In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight." The fuck does that mean? Monday, February 21, 2011 10:05:58 AM via web
  2121. Then he had to go running back to the Civic because Axelrod called out that "We need more Corps in sector 2814." What the fuck? Monday, February 21, 2011 10:09:43 AM via web
  2122. Fuck you, snow. Nobody fucking wants you here. Go the fuck away. Monday, February 21, 2011 01:05:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2123. I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Whoever thought it was a good idea to have an election in February was a fucking asshole. Monday, February 21, 2011 02:11:55 PM via web
  2124. The snow's delayed Ari's plane for a couple hours. Probably best if it were delayed until motherfucking Wednesday. Monday, February 21, 2011 03:36:37 PM via web
  2125. Wrapped in a blanket while riding shotgun in the Civic on the way to get Ari from the airport. The wind is cold through the missing window. Monday, February 21, 2011 05:18:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2126. "Nice blanket, Linus. Fix the fucking airport once your mayor, OK asshole?" Motherfucking Ari. My brother's here. Monday, February 21, 2011 05:40:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2127. "How come every news clip I see of you, you're acting like a giant walking hernia?" He's here for two fucking days. Monday, February 21, 2011 05:54:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2128. "I had no clue that the prerequisite for running for mayor was chopping your balls off." We're stuck in fucking stop and go traffic. Monday, February 21, 2011 06:05:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2129. "Hey, how come your fucking radio doesn't work? What kind of piece of shit car is this?" And I can see Axelrod turning red. Monday, February 21, 2011 06:19:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2130. "Fucking Spielberg alone gave you enough to buy a fucking Beemer, and you're driving around in this shit?" Uh oh--Axelrod's pulling off. Monday, February 21, 2011 06:27:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2131. And now we're all standing outside and Axelrod's yelling "LET'S GO, ASSHOLE!" at Ari. He really loves his fucking car. Monday, February 21, 2011 06:34:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2132. They're down in the snow, pummeling each other. And I don't even notice the figure behind me until the bag's already over my head. Fuck. Monday, February 21, 2011 06:41:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  2133. I'm fucking gasping when the bag comes off. We've been driving around for an hour, clearly trying to confuse me. It worked. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:15:26 PM via web
  2134. I'm still blinking, and the light is grinding a migrate into being, when I hear a voice fucking boom out from above me. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:17:42 PM via web
  2135. "Sorry for the drama, but it's not like I could just invite you over here for tea." My fucking eyes start to come into focus. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:19:33 PM via web
  2136. I pull my head up from the marble floor and there, standing above me, is the massive fucking frame of Mayor Daley. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:20:32 PM via web
  2137. Daley helps me up, his hands fucking envelop my arms completely. "Sorry again, but we needed to talk tonight. Can't take chances." Monday, February 21, 2011 08:26:47 PM via web
  2138. "Look, there are some things you need to know. " I'm here! In his office! In City fucking Hall! Monday, February 21, 2011 08:28:50 PM via web
  2139. "So the toilet, just down the hall, you need to jiggle the handle after you flush." Daley's not really making eye contact. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:29:50 PM via web
  2140. "And Magdalena, she cleans up on alternating nights. If you have shit you don't want thrown out, make sure you put it away." Monday, February 21, 2011 08:30:40 PM via web
  2141. "And I've made a little calendar of all the secretaries' birthdays. Don't forget." If I didn't know better, I'd think Daley was welling up. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:33:24 PM via web
  2142. And suddenly Daley's tears are gone, and they're replaced by anger. "Don't fuck all this up. There's so much more than you know." Monday, February 21, 2011 08:37:06 PM via web
  2143. And Daley's gesturing for me to follow him, and suddenly we're out a window and heading up a motherfucking fire escape. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:38:49 PM via web
  2144. We're on the roof of City Hall. The wind is fucking strong and the snow stings when it hits my face. Daley heads into a glass dome. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:47:31 PM via web
  2145. It's so warm and beautiful in the dome--green everywhere--and the air is pungent with the smell of... is that fucking celery? Monday, February 21, 2011 08:50:06 PM via web
  2146. Daley fucking plucks a stalk. "Care for these. Let flowers bloom. Dry them. Harvest the seeds. Grind them. Mix with salt." Monday, February 21, 2011 08:53:22 PM via web
  2147. He hands me a small pinch of powder and the sharp taste of celery salt crosses my lips. "Our legacy," he says, and points to the stalks. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:58:18 PM via web
  2148. And it's then that I notice for the first fucking time that, nestled amid the stalks of celery are three modest headstones. Monday, February 21, 2011 08:59:54 PM via web
  2149. Daley points to the headstones. "They're here with us, always. Harrison, Washington, Dad." He chokes up on that last one. Monday, February 21, 2011 09:05:11 PM via web
  2150. I search the ground for three small pebbles. Daley's fucking silent while I place one on each of the gravestones. Monday, February 21, 2011 09:07:38 PM via web
  2151. "It blooms year-round, thanks to them," he says quietly. And we're just looking, standing, breathing the thick moist air. Together. Monday, February 21, 2011 09:10:26 PM via web
  2152. "There's something else." Daley breaks the silence, his voice cracking just a fucking little. He flips a switch on the wall. Monday, February 21, 2011 09:18:49 PM via web
  2153. There's a whirring sound and then, up from the center of the dome rises an oversized charcoal grill. What the fuck? Monday, February 21, 2011 09:21:08 PM via web
  2154. "The mayor doesn't just run Chicago," Daley says, walking over to the grill. "You need to understand what's really at stake here." Monday, February 21, 2011 09:24:17 PM via web
  2155. Daley lifts the lid of the grill, his body straining under the weight. And suddenly I don't want to fucking know what's inside. Monday, February 21, 2011 09:28:01 PM via web
  2156. "There's not just one Chicago. There's not just one you. It's infinite. And we keep the portal," and he gestures for me to fucking look in. Monday, February 21, 2011 09:31:31 PM via web
  2157. And I look and... and it's Chicago--again and again. And tiny, in the corner, peering up at me, is... me. Thousands. Millions. Monday, February 21, 2011 09:36:31 PM via web
  2158. Except. Except something feels fucking wrong. "You notice it too," says Daley. "There's one you missing." Monday, February 21, 2011 09:38:32 PM via web
  2159. And Daley looks at me deadly fucking serious and says, "Which means there are two of you here, in this world, in this time." Monday, February 21, 2011 09:45:45 PM via web
  2160. "Which means," and he looks at me now there are fucking tears on his face, "that one of you won't survive this election." Monday, February 21, 2011 09:48:19 PM via web
  2161. And, before I can try to figure out what the fuck Daley's on about, the bag is back on my head, and everything goes black. Monday, February 21, 2011 09:51:14 PM via web
  2162. HOLY FUCK, if there's any fucking day in the world that I need coffee, it is this fucking day. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:01:51 AM via web
  2163. I'm drinking coffee and explaining everything that happened last night. Axelrod looks so surprised his fucking mustache might fall off. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:05:14 AM via web
  2164. ShiaKapos
    Shia Kapos
    I really thought that was it, @MayorEmanuel. https://bitly.com/dMBAcD Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:05:25 AM via web
  2165. @ShiaKapos Yeah, well don't believe everything you read in the fucking newspaper. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:06:22 AM via web in reply to ShiaKapos
  2166. Carl the Intern's filled an entire fucking chalkboard with equations by the time I'm done talking. "Daley's right," is all he says. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:11:17 AM via web
  2167. And when he says it, Quaxelroad lets out the saddest fucking quack-moan you've ever heard a duck make. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:11:55 AM via web
  2168. "I don't know nothing about infinite fucking Chicagos," Axelrod says. "I only know this one. And polls have been open for an hour." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:18:12 AM via web
  2169. Axelrod's right. Whatever the motherfucking outcome, we've got a fucking election to win. LET'S DO THIS. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:19:34 AM via web
  2170. alexismadrigal
     
    @MayorEmanuel I think it is incumbent on you to at least tell me to fuck off. (Possibly over email: amadrigal[at]theatlantic.com) Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:49:25 AM via Seesmic twhirl
  2171. @alexismadrigal I have a motherfucking election to win, and possibly a time vortex to dissolve into. You think I have fucking time to reply? Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:53:18 AM via web in reply to alexismadrigal
  2172. Anyone that isn't voting today because of the snow is a motherfucking asshole. Or an invalid--OK, you've got a good excuse. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:54:01 AM via web
  2173. Fifteen motherfucking Get Out The Vote rallys and it's barely even noon. Might have to hold a Get Out The Nap rally later. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 12:09:27 PM via web
  2174. Get Out the Nap was exactly what was fucking needed. Now we're driving old people to the polls. Ari's hitting on most of them. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 02:33:20 PM via web
  2175. VOTE, BITCHES. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 03:11:58 PM via web
  2176. Carl the Intern wrote two speeches for me, one for winning and one for a runoff. There's a lot more motherfucking profanity in the latter. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 04:40:19 PM via web
  2177. TheFix
    The Fix
    If @rahmemanuel wins outright tonight, he should propose a cage match against @mayoremanuel for the keys to Chicago. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 05:03:55 PM via HootSuite
  2178. @TheFix Ran the idea past Carl the Intern. He says it would destroy the entire space/time continuum. Great fucking thinking, Einstein. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 05:22:02 PM via web in reply to TheFix
  2179. Sitting in the backseat of Axelrod's Civic practicing these fucking speeches. Quaxelrod's giving notes. So far, he's unimpressed. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 05:25:07 PM via web
  2180. Carl and the InternCorps are on balloon duty at the party space. Ari's over there too, rearranging fucking everything. Again. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 05:25:31 PM via web
  2181. Axelrod and Hambone are standing outside the Civic, Hambone's taking a shit, Axelrod's checking exit polls. There's a fucking metaphor. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 05:26:53 PM via web
  2182. Everyone's talking runoff, but I know it's a victory. My fingerstump disappeared this morning and now the rest of the hand is fucking going. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 05:35:12 PM via web
  2183. Time to head in to start watching results. I'm wearing a single glove over my invisible hand, motherfucking MJ style. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 06:11:27 PM via web
  2184. 7:00. Here goes motherfucking nothing. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:04:36 PM via web
  2185. Jesus fucking christ. Time to start fucking drinking. Axelrod--beer me! Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:07:17 PM via web
  2186. Axelrod's in with the early results: 51 motherfucking percent. Still a long night, but SUCK ON THAT, CHICO. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:36:20 PM via web
  2187. FIFTY FOUR MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT, BITCHES. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:43:00 PM via web
  2188. The party is kicking the fuck off in the ballroom below. And I'm fucking seven beers in up here. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:47:50 PM via web
  2189. CNN FUCKING CALLS IT, BITCHES. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:49:24 PM via web
  2190. These motherfucking robotic vote counting machines are kind of fucking incredible, aren't they? Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:51:08 PM via web
  2191. The big plan for tonight: We've got a champaign fountain from the top of the ballroom to the stage. I'm going to fucking ride down it. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 07:53:46 PM via web
  2192. Ari's on the mic bringing the fucking noise downstairs. Mainly just bitching out the caterers. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 08:01:25 PM via web
  2193. Quaxelrod's already taking motherfucking a fucking victory flap around the rafters of the ballroom. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 08:04:40 PM via web
  2194. STUPID FUCKS AT WGN CALLS IT TOO. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 08:08:02 PM via web
  2195. Hey Halpin, I'll give you until the end of the fucking night to start packing. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 08:09:03 PM via web
  2196. If you have a giant fucking pile of money and a bunch of dumb fucks running against you, DREAMS DO COME TRUE. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 08:14:45 PM via web
  2197. Just think about how much fucking more incredible this would feel if the Bears had won the Superbowl too. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 08:27:43 PM via web
  2198. Carl the Intern just ran in, with a notebook full of fucking numbers, his eyes wet with tears. "The time vortex: It'll close tomorrow." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 08:33:34 PM via web
  2199. Elected mayor tonight. Sucked into a time vortex tomorrow. Might as well KICK THIS PARTY OFF RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 08:37:10 PM via web
  2200. Axelrod and I are double-fisting beers right now, smashing the empties on our foreheads. IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT TO BE ALIVE. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 08:57:48 PM via web
  2201. Fuck the fucking champagne slide, I'm just going to jump out of this fucking window and bodysurf to the fucking stage. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:00:15 PM via web
  2202. I'M FUCKING RIDING ON THE BODIES OF THE MEN AND WOMEN OF CHICAGO, AND I FUCKING LOVE EVERY ONE OF YOU. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:01:55 PM via web
  2203. Turns out crowdsurfing your way up to a stage takes a long fucking time. OK, victory speech--let's fucking do this. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:17:51 PM via web
  2204. Quaxelrod soars down from the balcony and lands gently on my shoulder. I stroke his downy fucking feathers and begin. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:19:35 PM via web
  2205. "FUCK YES CHICAGO! This has been a long fucking campaign. The other assholes didn't stand a chance, but they put up a good fight." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:25:18 PM via web
  2206. "The motherfuckers that contested my residency, you've got some great days ahead of you, I fucking promise you that." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:26:16 PM via web
  2207. "But to the rest of you, I've talked with a fuck-ton of you and I've learned about your resiliency, about your spirit." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:29:49 PM via web
  2208. "I've learned that this is Chicago and that CHICAGO DOESN'T FUCKING QUIT, NOT FUCKING EVER." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:31:38 PM via web
  2209. "I've slept in an igloo and I've slept in a crawlspace and I've slept under a bridge. But as long as I was asleep in Chicago, I didn't care. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:33:42 PM via web
  2210. "I've held the motherfucking pulsating heart of Chicago in my hands, and I know that it beats true." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:35:18 PM via web
  2211. "Through everything-- through assholes, through cockholes--I've had two things: The people of Chicago, and my fucking friends." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:39:06 PM via web
  2212. "And sure, to save the fucking world I have to disappear into a time vortex tomorrow. But being mayor is about making hard decisions." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:41:46 PM via web
  2213. "But tomorrow is tomorrow, and TONIGHT'S A FUCKING PARTY. LET'S GO CHICAGO!" Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:45:55 PM via web
  2214. And I dive into the crowd, and their hands hold me up, and together we are fucking one. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:47:52 PM via web
  2215. michellemalkin
    Michelle Malkin
    Fake @MayorEmanuel 's f'in acceptance speech tweetstream is cracking me up. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 09:51:20 PM via TweetDeck
  2216. @michellemalkin Just so we're perfectly fucking clear here: You're a crazy fucking shitwad. Enjoy your night. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 10:52:05 PM via web in reply to michellemalkin
  2217. This party's going to go all fucking night. Fuck you, tomorrow, you're just gonna have to wait. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 11:21:47 PM via web
  2218. Motherfucking coffee, I'm going to drink you like there's no goddamn tomorrow. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:37:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2219. They'd better have coffee in the parallel fucking dimension I'm descending into tonight, or I'm breaking right back out. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:45:01 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2220. We're sharing a cup together in the crawlspace, and I can tell that Axelrod's trying not to cry by the way his mustache fucking quivers. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:50:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2221. Axelrod looks up, tears filling his eyes and says, simply, "don't go." Fucking time portals are a son of a bitch. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:58:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2222. "There must be something we can do..." But there's not. Only things that fucking suck never end: look at laundry, or dishes. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 08:05:27 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2223. And we hug, and I give Axelrod that look that asks, "Are you going to be OK?" And he gives me that look that says "Who fucking knows." Wednesday, February 23, 2011 08:11:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2224. And we sit down and plan out one last, perfect, day: Lunch at Manny's, mooning Chico, tossing fucking bread to Quaxelrod. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 08:15:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  2225. Watching Axelrod eat at Manny's is like watching Da Vinci paint the motherfucking Mona Lisa: a work of art. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 12:54:27 PM via web
  2226. Driving around in Axelrod's Civic, doing loops around the block outside Chico's offices, my ass hanging out of the missing window, laughing. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 03:16:41 PM via web
  2227. Tossing bread to Quaxelrod under the Cortland street bridge. The view from here is motherfucking incredible. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 04:28:57 PM via web
  2228. Knowing I'm entering a time vortex tonight would be a lot more tolerable if I could get Journey's "Separate Ways" out of my fucking head. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 05:44:58 PM via web
  2229. Picked up Carl the Intern at Lane Tech, after his mathletes practice. Carl's first words: "There's not much time left." Motherfuck. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 06:53:30 PM via web
  2230. We're driving down Elston when, all of a fucking sudden Axelrod's radio starts working. It's playing that fucking Journey song! Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:02:07 PM via web
  2231. And we've pulled the Civic over, turned up "Separate Ways," and we're fucking dancing out here on the motherfucking streets! Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:04:44 PM via web
  2232. FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING TIME VORTEX. I FUCKING LOVE DANCING WITH MY FRIENDS. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:07:09 PM via web
  2233. And then the sky fucking opens up on us, and there's chunks of ice flying down. And it's pretty clear that the party's over. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:26:17 PM via web
  2234. And I can see myself starting to fade out, and I hear Axelrod whispering the fucking Kaddish quietly to himself, tears streaming. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:31:38 PM via web
  2235. And that song's still playing from the car radio, on a never-fucking ending loop from hell. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:32:45 PM via web
  2236. Carl the Intern can't even make eye contact, but he's reaching out, and I touch his hand. And he says, "I love you," and I say "I know." Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:34:27 PM via web
  2237. Quaxelrod flies over, and dips his little head, touching my fading shoe. Hambone just curls softly between my invisible legs. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:37:28 PM via web
  2238. I can see a thousand fucking skylines, and they are all as motherfucking glorious as the first, and I can feel the touch of my friends. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:39:08 PM via web
  2239. And now all I can hear is that music, and suddenly everything just fucking... Wednesday, February 23, 2011 07:40:45 PM via web
  • Name Rahm Emanuel
  • Location Chicago, IL
  • Bio Your next motherfucking mayor. Get used to it, assholes.
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