Quaxelrod.com: the official @MayorEmanuel archive.

@MayorEmanuel was a satirical Twitter account that turned the 2011 Chicago Mayoral Election into real-time literature. From making snow angels on the frozen ice of Lake Michigan, to dancing with the ghost of Curtis Mayfield, to its emotional climax at the edge of space-time itself, the Tweets of @MayorEmanuel offered a highly profane, hilariously surreal--and, at times oddly moving--look at this historic election, this larger-than-life persona, redemption, sacrifice, and the lasting bonds of both friendship and civic pride. This archive offers the original Tweets in chronological order and with contextual @replies where possible. Tweets authored by @dansinker.

  1. fuck you right in your fucking face-hole.
  2. Someone tell those fuckwads at @politico to shut their fucking trap, or I'll fucking END THEM.
  3. Someone tell @joshtpm to shut his asshole before I have to hop an Acela Express and do it my goddamn self.
  4. Hey @ourmaninchicago, I got something you can one-and-done.
  5. If the Bears fuck this up, my entire platform is going to revolve around burning that stadium to the fucking ground.
  6. Goddamn right Bears win.
  7. Hey @jaketapper, you wanna talk "breaking," how about I break my foot off inside your colon?
  8. I swear to god, if I never have to see another cherry blossom as long as I goddamn live, it'll still be too fucking soon.
    Before I go sleep, I want you to know that @MayorEmanuel rules. (with an iron fist)
  10. @rstevens that sounds about fucking right.
  11. Fuck-sucking douchenuts.
  12. Slats Lonigan
    RT @dansinker: RT @MayorEmanuel: Someone tell those fuckwads at @politico to shut their fucking trap, or I'll fucking END THEM.
  13. @chitownpolitics I'll end you too, in a fucking heartbeat. Just so we understand each other.
  14. Not D Mamet
    @MayorEmanuel I Shuffle, You Cut.
  15. .@FakeDavidMamet fuck you and your fucking fake account.
  16. Not D Mamet
    @MayorEmanuel Fuck me, pal? Or what? Your brother takes away my driving privledges, puts, puts, puts Lindsay Lohan in Redbelt 2?
  17. @FakeDavidMamet it's only words, unless they're motherfucking true.
  18. Daniel Libit
    Fake #Rahm-for-Mayor Account (@MayorEmanuel): check. All that's left is an official announcement.
  19. @DanielLibit yeah, and I'm sure the "Chicago News Cooperative" (the fuck: do you sit around braiding each other's hair?) gets right on that.
  20. Thomas C. Bowen
    @speakermadigan will you be following @MayorEmanuel?
  21. @thomascbowen fuck that @speakermadigan douchecannon right in his earhole.
  22. Eaglie/Andy D.
    BEST RETWEET EVER!!! RT @EgyTweets RT @eaglie: There will be a new Pharaoh in Egypt! Hail, Rahmses the First, @MayorEmanuel!
  23. @eaglie we're trying to get a peace deal brokered. Don't start provoking the fucking Egypt auto-tweet account and fuck it all up for us.
  24. Shit-screw you in your fucking cock-hole.
  25. Frank Sennett
    @MayorEmanuel Thank you for elevating the discourse on Twitter.
  26. @SennettReport you'll be thanking me for a whole lot more than fucking that come February.
  27. Eric Ziegenhagen
    @MayorEmanuel What about the meters?
  28. @ericzieg Fuck the fucking meters. Have you looked, even for a second, at the debt? The meters are a cock-hair in an ocean of shit
  29. Pete Bray
    rahm emanuel considers the chief of staff position as a stepping stone?! some swagger to that dude.
  30. @cloaker I'll show you some fucking swagger.
  31. Pete Bray
    @MayorEmanuel what is your first order of business going to be as mayor?! ;)
  32. @cloaker take a streaming dump in Daley's old toilet, naturally.
  33. Cocking shit-shiners it's late.
  34. Also, Sneed: stop talking about yourself in the third person or I swear to god, I will break my dick off and fuck you in the hair follicles.
  35. Amy Jacobson
    Rahm Emanuel will resign this Friday but where will he live? https://www.suntimes.com/news/sneed/2752062,CST-NWS-SNEED28.article
  36. @amyjacobson where will I live? I'll just roll out a sleeping bag and sleep in the middle of their fucking bed. Who's house? Rahm's house!
  37. .@BIAk_xs_THE_ you need to shut your motherfucking spam account down right now, or I swear I will crawl through the wires and do it for you
  38. You know who I'm not going to miss at all? Mich McConnell. That guy is the king of the fucking pansy-shitters.
  39. john bracken
    If you care about the future of Chicago and are not following @MayorEmanuel what the f is your problem?
  40. @jsb "care about the future of Chicago"? How about the puking PRESENT of Chicago? It's ass-handles like you that make me glad to leave DC
  41. Some mornings coffee is like standing underneath a twat-rainbow while fucking a thousand puppies in the mouth.
  42. David Spielfogel
    Or if you want to get yelled at. RT @jsb: If you care about future of Chicago & are not following @MayorEmanuel what the f is your problem?
  43. @spielfogel just give me a fucking reason to yell.
  44. Gapers Block
    Mayor Rahm's Already on Twitter: @MayorEmanuel is as NSFW as you'd expect it to be. (Meanwhile, @MayorRahm is... https://dlvr.it/64S9Q
  45. @gapersblock I'm keeping my eye on you kids. Step outta line and I'll get my NSFW all over your fucking keyboard.
  46. Josh Davison
    If you live in Chicago and you aren't following @MayorEmanuel you are not engaged in PROPER CIVIC FUCKING DISCOURSE #pointingstubbyfinger
  47. @stringbot that sounds about fucking right.
  48. Jesus shit-Christ is it awkward around the office today.
  49. Frank Sennett
    I'd like to RT @MayorEmanuel's piquant observations, but I'm afraid to offend tweeps' delicate sensibilities. He's making me laugh, though.
  50. @SennettReport I got your "piquant" whenever you want it, Frank. Just bend over.
  51. Wait a second: who the fuck holds a fucking election in Chicago in fucking FEBRUARY?
  52. We're all supposed to go out their with our dicks swinging in the snow?
  53. Cubs Fan Report
    @MayorEmanuel We haven't announced our endorsement yet, but it'd be good to have a #Cubs fan in charge again
  54. @cubsfanrpt yeah, well if you could work on them to stop holding their cocks and start holding some bats, that'd be great.
  55. Cubs Fan Report
    @MayorEmanuel We'll do you a favor & sign you up for some of Zambrano's anger management sessions right away
  56. @cubsfanrpt don't do me any fucking favors
  57. Tony
    The @MayorEmanuel parody reminds me of Andrew Dice Clay. Unfunny fake anger by a closet case geek.
  58. @Tony_Bosco how's that bankruptcy working out?
  59. Samantha
    If you like swear words and Chicago politics, follow @MayorEmanuel
  60. @SamAbernethy seems like a fucking redundancy, if you ask me
  61. Emily
    Just blew the nice "666 following" count I had going for @MayorEmanuel. My Twitter feed might actually be more evil now.
  62. @emilyhilleren just drop one motherfucker. Problem solved.
  63. I will miss sneaking juice boxes with Sasha.
  64. Most of the lunch briefing was spent deciding whether I should drive down K Street yelling "sionara, bitches!" Or "fuck you very much!"
  65. Christ, the fuck train got derailed on its way to bullshit junction today. I blame Duncan.
  66. Another thing about Duncan: for being so tall, that guy is a fucking pussy when it comes to the head-fake. Make him jump every goddamn time.
  67. Axelrod tells me "Who replaced Chicago with this shitfest?" isn't a good slogan.
  68. cock-clomping fuck-wasters
  69. I really fucking hope that I get to stay on hold with Comcast Chicago all goddamn day. Yes, please, transfer me again.
  70. So Axelrod is blathering on about a "new Burnham plan" and I just look him square in the eye and say, "fuck you, you fucking mustache-face"
  71. Alexis Peterka
    Would consider moving to Chicago to live in a city run by @MayorEmanuel. On second thought, Rahm? More temperate winters in Portland...
  72. @LexInterior I would rather punch myself in the cock every day than have to move to Portland fucking Oregon.
  73. emily nunn
    @MayorEmanuel Love you, Next Mayor. But it's Sayonara
  74. @nunncookchicago I got your sayonara right here.
  75. I'm not a motherfucking giant Snoopy balloon, so I will not appear at your motherfucking parade.
  76. Geithner never stops talking. You can be standing there, double birds in his face and your cock hanging out, and he's all blah blah blah...
  77. kevin lynch
    @MayorEmanuel if you're not too busy not announcing your candidacy, check this out: https://foursquariancandidate.com/
  78. @fifteenideas Like I'm going to take time out from running the fucking country to go look at your fucking site. Stick a mouse up your ass.
  79. I would rather lick the balls of the entire Chicago city counsel than have to deal with the fuck-nuggets in the House for another 10 minutes
  80. Governor Pat Quinn
    @MayorEmanuel You still haven't kissed the ring of the most powerful Democrat in Illinois. Hint: That would be me. I am the Governor!
  81. @PatQuinnsBrain I got something you can kiss, you brain-dead fuck. Who elected you again?
  82. Fucking cum-fisted douche-faucets
  83. Shitting cock-face, I stayed up way too late watching "Must Love Dogs" again. And I gotta deal with fucking Vilsack in the morning. Fuck me.
  84. Cock
  85. -a-doodle-doo, assholes. Wake the fuck up.
  86. If Dick Mell leaves another VM promising to be a "kingmaker," I'm going to pry all the keys off this phone and stuff them up his urethera
  87. I walked into the briefing today, birds up, and said "Hey snatch-warblers, you've only got one day left with this bitch." It's official.
  88. Jesus fuck-Christ, I told them that if they're going to go with Rouse, they'll have to find another billion in the budget for donut runs.
  89. Andy Reyes
    @MayorEmanuel you fucking cunt you run for mayor I'll fuck your mom
  90. @KidTronzy watch your fucking mouth you fucking douche-fuck.
  91. Apparently they went with Rouse because the potted fucking bamboo in the fucking East Room was too busy. Too bad, the bamboo says more.
  92. Another thing about Rouse: Hope you like your morning briefings around 11:45, because cock-asses that motherfucker can sleep in.
  93. Ryan Wynia
    I guess it's better than President Emmanuel. Introducing @MayorEmanuel (via @annatarkov)
  94. @ryanwynia give it a little time, ass-hammer
  95. Gibbs keeps looking at me and his eyes well up, like he's eating the dong-berries right off the pussy-bush
  96. I would rather slam my dick in a door than look at the motherfucking yard sign samples Plouffe just emailed.
  97. Speaker Bachmann
    @MayorEmanuel don't let my gavel hit you in the ass on the way out...
  98. @SpeakerBachmann Lady, I have twenty-fucking-four hours before I can fucking tell you exactly what I fucking think of you.
  99. Salazar just came up with a fruit basket. Ken, unless you want me to insert these into your colon one-by-one, get the fuck out of my face.
  100. Been eating Fiber One all day so I've got enough shit to go around tomorrow. Lieberman, be sure to check your mail: you just got shit-boxed.
  101. Speaker Bachmann
    @MayorEmanuel chased out of town by patriots, crawl back to your corrupt hole
  102. @SpeakerBachmann I would rather crawl back to my "corrupt hole" than be anywhere near yours.
  103. Speaker Bachmann
    Hey #teaparty #patriots, remind @MayorEmanuel why his corrupt Chicago thug ways will not be missed! www.BachmannforSpeaker.com #gop #rahm
  104. @SpeakerBachmann You do realize you're fucking with a fucking fake account, right? You fucking crazy ass-tard.
  105. Last goddamn night in this fucking shit-coffin of a town.
  106. Thank god it's motherfucking shit-scratching cock-bleeding Friday.
  107. Dear Washington Press Corps, suck it out of my asshole, you fucking third-rate, cock-handed, twat-cobbler hacks. I will miss you not at all.
  108. Hey Steny Hoyer, check your mail today: You just got shit-boxed. And I'm sure there's enough in there to pass around.
  109. LaHood just pulled up in his fucking electric clown car. This fucking ceremony is going to last a dong-capping lifetime isn't it?
  110. Rouse just waddled up, panting like a leg-fucking schnauzer. "Sorry I'm late." Yeah, you fuck-hat, I'm sure you are.
  111. Only thing getting me through this fucking thing is knowing my shaking hand is covered in cock sweat.
  112. Vilsack's halitosis is like breathing through a scuba tank full of dongs.
  113. DCA > OR-MF-D
  114. There is a pothole on the fucking Kennedy Expressway that I swear just made me cough up my sphincter
  115. 23 cock-socked, twat-fingered voicemails from Plouffe. In two hours! How many more before he figures out I'm not fucking answering?
  116. "Hey Rahm, David. I was thinking about strategies for the 32nd ward..." Fucking dick-trimming shit-sorcerers, I'm going to toss this phone.
  117. Brad Dayspring
    And Rahm's mayoral campaign might...just might... want to deal with the @MayorEmanuel twitter feed.... Just sayin' #couldcomebacktohauntya
  118. @BDayspring please-fucking pretty please with fucking sugar on top-tell me you have better things to do than follow fake accounts on twitter
  119. @BDayspring ...because, and I'm fucking serious here, if you don't, I could send you and Cantor a fucking list to get you fucking started.
  120. Home. I'm going to crack open this Half Acre tallboy, pop in "Serendipity," and put my feet up. Fuck all of you in your cock-soaked armpits.
  121. Jake Tapper
    wait...which one of @FakeRahmEmanuel @RahmforMayor and @MayorEmanuel is real??? y'all go fight it out.
  122. @jaketapper christ, that you even have to ask that question explains everything a person has to know about the fucking state of journalism
  123. Daniel X. O'Neil
    .@MayorEmanuel: theoretically, if I said you could kiss my ass re: waltzing in and becoming Mayor, what would happen next?
  124. @juggernautco theoretically, I'd tell you that I've got something you could motherfucking waltz with, you fucking cock-stamp.
  125. muff-shitting fuck-towers
  126. Thing I like about Quigley: that the dong-fountain calls me "sir." Thing I don't like: motherfucker thinks Saturday is a good day to drop by
  127. I would rather snap a mousetrap inside my own asshole than take a meeting with Jody fucking Weis.
  128. The top-fucking fuck-topper: Burke.
  129. Axelrod has been standing outside my house in the rain all fucking day. Stopped knocking hours ago. What a shit-sad moustache he's got on.
  130. A cold, rainy October night? Someone tell Axelrod to pack his charts and head fucking home, I'm watching "1408." Boo, you fucking cock-tards
  131. Holy fuck-smacks, where's the shit-coughing coffee?
  132. 183 emails from Plouffe later, and the suck-fucking webtards still made a site that looks like Barack's: https://www.chicagoforrahm.com/
  133. Benjamin Freed
    Rahm Emanuel's official website is up and running. Nice fucking design, @MayorEmanuel: https://ow.ly/2NGLu
  134. @brfreed let's see you do better, you fucking nut-flapper.
    @megancarpentier @MayorEmanuel That's good, but "shit-sorcerers" is overburdened with "s"'s, which aren't preferred. Maybe "shit-wizards?"
  136. @braak too many s's, huh? Suck my screaming shit-sack, you siamese suck-shrimp.
  137. Axelrod's shooting my "special video announcement" (WTF?) for tomorrow. Wants me to say "Daley's stewardship" and I keep saying "sewer-shit"
  138. C Daugherty
    Who thinks @MayorEmanuel should box with John Boehner as a campaign fundraiser? That would make my year!
  139. @windycitybeer No fucking way. Touch that guy and you're wiping orange mystic tan off your hands for a motherfucking week.
  140. If Axelrod says "...and action!" one more time like he's Martin fucking Scorsese I'm going to cram his Flipcam into his fucking colon.
  141. Miss Niki
    Hate to tell ya this, @MayorEmanuel, but the video's already up ... you f*cking ground up sack of jackass. https://ht.ly/2NJgH ;)
  142. @NikiConrad yeah, because we're only making one fucking video. Head back to the lab, Albert fucking Einstein.
  143. Miss Niki
    Nice try, @MayorEmanuel. "Axelrod's shooting my "special video announcement" (WTF?) for tomorrow." Move it along.
  144. @NikiConrad I've got a special fucking announcement just for you: fuck you, you fuck-jogging cock-lump.
  145. motherfucking dick-cramping fuck-jumpers
  146. If Axelrod doesn't get back here with a Home Run Inn deep dish before the game starts, I'm going to dunk his fucking head in the fuck-tank.
    @MayorEmanuel Now I know with certainty this account is run by a non-Chicagoan: No one goes to Home Run Inn for deep dish! #thincrust
  148. @Fortitude1913 I've got a fucking "thin crust" you can gnaw on, you fucking cock-fizzle.
  149. Megan Carpentier
    Related: may try to think up curses to catch up with @MayorEmanuel , but keep getting "shit-weasels" stuck in my head.
  150. @megancarpentier I've got something you can "catch up" with, you fucking hyphenated curse-word.
  151. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  152. @sleidigh maybe not for YOU, you motherfucking dong-crusted shit-slurp
  153. Solis just stopped by and was all, "Oh, you guys are watching the game?" Now I'm chucking my chicken wing gristle at his huge fucking head.
  154. Jesus fucking Christ-on-a-Cock, could this Bears game be any more fucking boring? Helen Shiller plays better motherfucking ball than this.
  155. Plouffe emailed to say that even if my listening tour tomorrow is spent listening to cock-bulbs complain about this game, I still have to go
  156. Fucking dong-choke, if I was invited to a zoning board meeting right now I'd go in a heartbeat--has to be more exciting than this game
  157. Fuck this game right in its fucking shit-sack. Axelrod had the right idea: He fell asleep in the middle of the first quarter.
  158. If this motherfucking listening tour doesn't start with listening to someone make me motherfucking breakfast, I'm gonna stomp a cock.
  159. I'm going to have to drink an entire fucking bottle of Purell when I get home from all this shit-blasting hand-shaking.
  160. Jesus shit-painting nut-Christ, February is way fucking far away.
  161. What I learned on today's listening tour: You know what's wrong with Chicago? Every fucking motherfucking thing.
  162. Michael Roston
    @MayorEmanuel real Chicagoans disinfect w/a tall boy of Old Style you carpetbagging ex-Ravenswood resident
  163. @michaelroston you know what "real" Chicagoans fucking LOVE? Motherfucking ass-catchers from New York fucking City tellng them what they do
  164. After consulting with this four-pack of Gossamer Ale, it's decided: Axelrod's mustache can do the fucking listening tour on its own tomorrow
  165. frick-fucking crimp-cramming dick-jammers
  166. Brad Knollenberg
    @MayorEmanuel What are you going to do if they take you off the ballot because of your lack of Chicago housing?
  167. @iambradk they're not going to fucking take me off of fucking anything, you fucking muff-wish
  168. Jesus fuck-chomping Christ, everything's shit-shape today.
  169. Text from Plouffe: "try to grimace less when shaking hands." One of these days I'm going to give that motherfucker a reason to grimace.
  170. Who the fuck is in charge of cleaning the CTA stations? Because at this point I wouldn't mind taking a fucking meeting with that asshole.
  171. Shitting-fuck-sausage. How do you fucking people eat like this?
  172. "I'm not a bitch. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you."
  173. Please, fucking pretty please with fucking sugar on top, stuff your camera into my face again, you fucking snatch-hole.
  174. Just fucking perfect: Axelrod's Civic just broke down in Chinatown. Again. Cock-stump.
  175. Manny Flores just drove by and chucked a can at me while Axerod's trying to change this tire. Fucking. Worst. Fucking. Day. Fucking. Ever.
  176. Christ, when this day is over, I'm going to devour an entire Eli's fucking cheesecake like I'm a motherfucking Cathy cartoon. Ack!
  177. Cock-weeping shit-bananas
  178. Shrimp-sock fish-cock. I'm done with this fucking day.
  179. Ciara O'Rourke
    I've started feeling sorry for David Axelrod's mustache since following @MayorEmanuel.
  180. @ciaraorourke believe me when I tell you that his moustache can fucking take it. That motherfucking thing will outlive us all.
  181. Whichever one of you motherfuckers got me sick, you can go vote for Rickey fucking Hendon. To the rest of you--who's got some fucking soup?
  182. Jim Harper
    As @MayorEmanuel would say -new spin bikes fucking A fantastic but spin class music still bullshit.
  183. @Harpsiii just so you know, I would never in a hundred-motherfucking-years say that.
  184. Sick, wearing nothing but a fucking bathrobe, going to meet with the Tribune Editorial Board. "That's their dress code," e-mails Plouffe.
  185. Apparently it's just me and Randy Michaels in bathrobes at the Tribune Tower. The king of the fucking ass-clowns. Great. Thanks, Plouffe.
  186. Michaels keeps interrupting the board's questions by standing up, opening his bathrobe and yelling "TALK TO THE COCK!!" Fucking fuck fuckers
  187. I would rather punch myself in the cock every hour on the hour than have to sit through something that humiliating again. Fucktard Tower.
  188. Fucking fuck-shitting motherfucking shit-fuck motherfuckers.
  189. Katrina Cabrera
    @MayorEmanuel looks like you have some competition from @chitraderrob on www.foursquariancandidate.com. how does that make you feel?
  190. @katrinacabrera I could give a fucking motherfucking fuck.
  191. Yes alderman, I am fucking delighted to have dinner at Harold's Chicken Shack. These motherfucking arteries aren't going to clog themselves
  192. Jessica Galliart
    @mayoremanuel We did some of the legwork for your campaign with these ads/posters on @TSJFeed. You're welcome, dick. https://bit.ly/alZsX7
  193. @JessicaGalliart Fuck off. Plouffe's already got seven dozen poster variations up his ass. I don't need your motherfucking posters too.
  194. Waguespack keeps jogging by my house. Little short-shorts. I'm just standing in the front yard, birds up, waiting for the motherfucker.
  195. Matt Vasilogambros
    So, @MayorEmanuel was funny for one day ... now his tweets just makes me sad.
  196. @MATTVAS the unfollow button's right over there, motherfucker.
  197. Sharna Marcus
    @MayorEmanuel would love to hear your thoughts on alexi and mark :)
  198. @scarpetablog I guaran-fucking-tee you that you fucking don't want to hear my fucking thoughts about those fucking guys.
  199. And there he fucking goes a-fucking-gain: jog-jog-jog. WHAT THE FUCK?!
  200. I'm going to go for a jog up Waguespack's motherfucking colon if he comes back around again.
  201. joseph pettini
    @MayorEmanuel is this as far as you're gonna take this concept? Anyone can swear. Go deeper if you want to keep our interest.
  202. @strategy_samba First, not "everyone" can swear--fucking Mormons, for one. Second, the motherfucking "unfollow" button is right over there.
  203. Fuck it. I'm fucking sick. I'm fucking tired. It's a fucking "America's Sweethearts" kind of night.
  204. Tick-tock, shit-cocks. Time to wake up.
  205. Dow over 11,000 on the same day I'm going on a listening tour of Penny Pritzker's pocketbook? Eyes on the sky for a twat-rainbow. Trifecta!
  206. Penny keeps a money room in her house, and dives into it like she's Scrooge McDuck. We've been swimming in it all morning. Fucking glorious
  207. Nothing like a money-swim to get a guy feeling in cock-shape again. Axelrod, pull your Civic around: I've got some fucking hands to shake
  208. Just got cut off on West Madison by a fucking cupcake truck. Eighth one I've seen. The fuck is up with you and cupcakes you fucking fatties?
  209. OK West Garfield Park, come get your hand shaken. I promise when elected you'll see me less than you see the inside of a unicorn's vagina.
  210. Dinner with Obama at Alexi fundraiser. Fucking Alexi--getting caught chatting with him is like being sucked into a black hole of cocks.
  211. If Obama doesn't show soon, I'm out. Have been stuck inside the Gianoullias dong-vortex for a motherfucking hour now.
  212. Alexi is "entertaining" the guests by seeing how many dinner rolls he can stuff in his fucking mouth. He's up to seventeen.
  213. Jesus Christ-on-a-fuck, that's four hours of my life I'm never going to get back. Alexi is as dumb as the fucking day is fucking long.
  214. By the way, the final motherfucking bread-roll count? Thirty-fucking-two. In at once. Mama Regenstein vomited into the salad plate.
  215. Junko Kajino
    @MayorEmanuel マフィアコネクションのシカゴ市長(お父さんも市長でアルカポネと直通)今年いっぱいで引退、その後を次ぐのがこのひと?オバマのブレーンと言われる政治家!
  216. @Junkokajino これは冗談のアカウントです
  217. fucking cock-sanding shit-branding, I am tired.
  218. Good motherfucking morning, motherfuckers
  219. Strategy session. Axelrod thinks "I want to be like motherfucking Rahm" is a bad campaign slogan. The fuck? It worked for Jordan.
  220. Axelrod also dismissed Ari's idea of a movie where politicians team up with cartoon characters to fight an intergalactic menace. Fuck fuck.
  221. Axelrod says no way: "Remember when the Bulls won for the sixth time and it felt like getting fucked on a pile of ponies? Vote Rahm."
  222. On conference call, Plouffe said, "We need something less polarizing," then faxed over this: https://tinyurl.com/28wlltx motherfuck
  223. How did you know that listening to you bitch was exactly what I wanted to do on a beautiful fucking Friday?
  224. Why is it the only fucking places I find you people are riding the El or stuffing your fucking face? Or, worst, both?
  225. I will tell you this though: stand on a fuckingL platform long enough and you will see every shade of vomit known to man. Vibrant!
  226. I just became the mayor of Fuck You in the Fucking Face, it's Friday on @foursquare
  227. John Adam Zirinsky
    Most Twitter parody accounts have a short shelf-life but the promising @MayorEmanuel seems to have run out of cleverness quicker than usual.
  228. @Zirinsky a pollster for the GO-fucking,P is going to lecture me about fucking "shelf life"? You've been selling rancid ideas for years.
  229. Axelrod's on his way over with a bucket of chicken, a growler of Half Acre and his copy of "2012." TGIMFF
  230. Plouffe just faxed over the itinerary. I've got to hit 13 farmer's markets. Here's a secret: edible greens scare the shit out of me. Fuck.
  231. Jesus motherfucking Christ, I hope to never see another Winter Squash in my motherfucking life. Fuck you and your fucking farmers' markets.
  232. Also, Chicago, what the fuck is up with all the baby strollers. Did you spend the two goddamn years I was gone just fucking non-stop?
  233. Scott Smith
    @MayorEmanuel Yeah. Jealous?
  234. @ourmaninchicago When you knocked up your old lady, I was running the country. When you're wiping shit, I'll be running the city. Jealous?
  235. Ann With No E
    @MayorEmanuel Sir, perhaps you're looking for a campaign writer? https://bit.ly/ccSofu
  236. @rocketslide you know what I really need? Not a single more motherfucker writing campaign bullshit for me.
  237. Ramsin Canon
    @MayorEmanuel He'll be wiping shit, but you'll be eating it for all one of your terms asshole. @ourmaninchicago
  238. @ramsincanon if anyone can tell me about eating shit, I'm sure it's you, douchebag.
  239. Christ, in going to have to shake a lot of fucking sweaty hands today, aren't I? First sign of bloody nipples and I'm fucking GONE.
  240. I know I'm supposed to say you're all heroic athletes, but I just saw a guy in a chicken suit puke up a Cliff Bar at mile fucking three.
  241. snatch-haunting fuck-trailers
  242. Congratulations marathon runners! You're 26.2 miles closer to a motherfucking knee replacement!
  243. Axelrod's mustache finished the cock-shocking marathon in 5:38.
  244. Just looked over Plouffe's itinerary for the week. It is fucktacularly stupid. How long does this goddamn listening tour have to last again?
  245. So which godforsaken corner of this motherfucking city an I headed to today in this never-ending dick-slamming tour?
  246. I refuse to choke down another fucking pepper and egg sandwich. Seriously, how has this entire city not died from a coronary?
  247. Dick Mell is the king of the pepper and egg. Eats three or four of them every morning. Ends up smelling like a sulfur bath all day.
  248. Seriously considering having my shaking hand amputated and sending it around the city alone so I can get some actual fucking work done.
  249. Hey Saugansh, come shake the disembodied hand of Rahm Emanuel tomorrow, while I'm busy not giving a fuck about you somewhere else.
  250. Ry Rivard
    @MayorEmanuel Don't you need to sever the wrist, too. A handshake is all in the wrist.
  251. @ryrivard what kind of stupid motherfucker would server their fucking hand below the wrist? What a stupid fucking statement. Christ.
  252. Suck-fucking shit-balloons
  253. Fucking seriously, doesn't Flores have any "listening" to do? Come on: Carol Mosley Braun doesn't have to "listen" to any motherfuckers?
  254. Yet here I am fucking "listening" to all you fucking v-holes prattle on and on about fucking potholes and parking meters every fucking day.
  255. New slogan: "Hey Chicago: Just park in the fucking space and be done with it. Emanuel '11"
  256. Samantha
    @MayorEmanuel what's a v-hole?
  257. @SamAbernethy do I need to draw you a fucking diagram?
  258. Ellen DePodesta
    Hey @MayorEmanuel, wasn't the Columbus Day parade today great fun?
  259. @ChicagoPR I'm trying to pretend like it never fucking happened.
  260. Scowling my way through the Columbus Day Parade, Ed Burke said I had a case of the Mondays. More like the Can't-Fucking-Stand-You Days
  261. Scowling through the Columbus Day Parade, Ed Burke said I had a case of the Mondays. More like the Can't-Fucking-Stand-You Days
  262. Someone fucking needs to fucking bring me a fucking coffee this very fucking second.
  263. Jesus fucking cock-twats: Biden is in town? Fucking christ, I'll be hiding out in a goddamn undisclosed location for the rest of the day.
  264. Would someone fucking pledge to @WBEZ already so those sad fucking radio-tards will shut the fuck up?
  265. Fuck yes, you chilean miner sons-of-bitches, fuck yes.
  266. New slogan: "Because Chicago is in a deeper fucking hole than the fucking Chilean Miners. Vote Rahm."
  267. I've got Axelrod looking into where to get one of those miner rescue elevators so I can ride one around Ed Burke's lower fucking intestine.
  268. If you need me today, I'll be at home watching CNN and bawling like a motherfucking baby.
  269. Been on BBM with Plouffe, selling him on my "stuck in a mine" strategy. (1) don't have to shake fucking hands (2) in 90 days you'll love me.
  270. Quinn
    @MayorEmanuel Plus it's probably harder to swear at people through a tiny hole in the ground.
  271. @ampersands1 yeah, I'm not fucking worried about fucking that.
  272. Axelrod just came over and we're both wearing hardhats and only eating food we can cram through a motherfucking 12" hole. This is the life.
  273. You would be amazed just how many different kinds of food you can stuff through a 12" hole. Axelrod got an entire fucking Turkey through.
  274. I find the Chilean Miner rescue incredibly moving. Once this last guy is up, we're going to send 'em all back down, right? Fuck yes.
  275. Amanda Downing
    @MayorEmanuel I'm a fan of the F word, I even use it quite often, but why do you use it in EVERY tweet? #Justwondering
  276. @amanda2581 do I come into your kitchen and tell you how to motherfucking cook?
    Hey @MayorEmanuel, what do you think about Lisa Madigan possibly announcing a run against you? Ready to fight in Madiganistan???
  278. @featherchick wouldn't it make more fucking sense to just say "Madigascar"? Same fucking point, better fucking reference. Also: fuck her.
  279. So everyone's up from the mine? Jesus fucking Christ-twat... now what?
  280. Eric Ziegenhagen
    @MayorEmanuel It's back to the parking meters.
  281. @ericzieg fuck me and those fucking meters. Just park the fucking car.
    @MayorEmanuel Now all of us "miners" Downstate just need to be rescued from the blue hole that is Chicago. How about your own state???
  283. @featherchick By all fucking means, enjoy a Chicagoless Illinois. I'm sure that'd work out just fucking wonderfully for you.
  284. I woke up with a hardhat in my hands, looked up at the hole Axelrod and I drilled in the ceiling and just started fucking weeping. Emptiness
  285. I know it's not reasonable but, deep fucking down, I bet you too wished they'd continue to pull Chileans up from the ground forever.
  286. What has brought this city closer together than feeling motherfucking one with 33 people stuck in the ground of another continent? Nothing.
  287. New slogan: "Bring back that first miner feeling. Emanuel for motherfucking mayor."
  288. I actually wanted Madigan to run. Have you seen the rest of the shit-tards that have announced? Give me someone fucking competent.
  289. Is it too late to get in on the fucking Attorney General race? Come on, Madigan, let's do this! Don't leave me with Hendon and Flores.
  290. Unless motherfucking Oprah motherfucking Winfrey enters this race, it's going to be me against a field of dong-tards and shit-eaters.
  291. Seriously a debate with these shit-galoids will end with me crushing my cock with the podium, just to feel SOMETHING.
  292. Slats Lonigan
    @MayorEmanuel um, Flores pulled out last week
  293. @chitownpolitics I am trying incredibly motherfucking hard not to respond "that's what she said."
  294. New slogan: "Vote Rahm: because Jesus cock-Christ, look at the other fucking guys."
  295. If I'd have known the field was going to end up this fucking limp-dicked, I'd have stayed in Washington through the fucking midterms.
  296. Jesus Christ-twat on a fuck-dong
  297. Right about now I'm getting that sinking fucking feeling that I was served motherfucking decaf.
  298. Fucking Friday fucking starts fucking right fucking now.
  299. So the email started "Dear First Name." That was Plouffe's quick fix to the original: "Dear Motherfucking Twat-tards,"
  300. Dear First Name, Fuck you in your fucking pie-hole, you stupid motherfucking snatch-drip. Yours, Rahm
  301. Dear First Name, Who's got one and a half middle fingers, six beers, and doesn't give a fuck if I got your name right? This guy.
  302. Dear First Name, Plouffe assures me that we're going to have an actual fucking communications team in place soon. The intern is a cocktard.
  303. Holy shit-cocks, I should have stopped at nine beers last night. My fucking head is going to fucking explode at this breakfast meeting.
  304. Of course Axelrod waltzes into the meeting like he drank nothing last night. That motherfucker's liver is made of motherfucking Teflon.
  305. Fucking shine on, you motherfucking amazing fucking sun
  306. Fuck your motherfucking Sunday morning, I'm sleeping until goddamn noon.
  307. Fucking motherfucking fuck-shitting ass-cocked Bears.
  308. Ellen DePodesta
    @MayorEmanuel So we, the great voters of Chicago, follow you... why don't you follow us back?
  309. @ChicagoPR because then I have to listen to all of your bitching and complaining even when I'm not shaking your fucking hand.
  310. I really did try to listen to that fucking debate. But as soon as Quinn opens his mouth, I feel like a little part of me cock-plucking dies
  311. Shit-shaking dong-stompers
  312. Really, what's a few motherfucking million raised? Don't fucking worry, Dart, I'm sure someone will give you some cash at some point.
  313. Today was one never-ending fucking strategy session. Workloads doubled when Axelrod's mustache announced it was taking the week off.
  314. Seriously, if that motherfucking 'stache is talking to fucking Meeks, I'm going to lose it.
  315. David says it's just taking a few days to see the fall colors in WI, but really: what fucking mustache takes off two weeks before midterms?
  316. Anyway, a week without that mustache just went from a slog to a motherfucking full-fledged shit-wallow.
  317. I'm going to close my eyes and imagine a coffee pot as big as the motherfucking Sears motherfucking Tower.
  318. Matt Spector
    @MayorEmanuel It's the Willis Tower now. Geez, you've been gone for a while, haven't you?
  319. @mspec I would rather punch myself in the cock six times a day than have to say motherfucking "Willis Tower"
  320. You want to know my definition of hell? This motherfucking lunch meeting that the fucking communications intern set up with Billy Dec. Fuck.
  321. Jesus fucking christ, apparently it's take-a-lunch-meeting-with-a-raging-douchebag day.
  322. Fuck me. He's wearing his "dressy" baseball hat. Asked Axelrod to circle the block one more time. Considering jumping into traffic.
  323. That was a half-hour I'll never fucking get back. On the upside, the Rumble in the Jungle Turkey Wrap at the Rainforest Cafe--tasty!
  324. Next time I even hear the motherfucking name Billy Dec, I'm slamming my cock in the door of Axelrod's Civic.
    The @Ward_Room editorial staff would sincerely like to RT @mayoremanuel, but NBC standards won't allow it. Godspeed sir.
  326. @Ward_Room fuck you in your motherfucking peacock.
  327. Watching Alexi and Kirk debate is like fucking a sackful of dumb.
  328. Going around the public schools with Huberman today. That guy smells like motherfucking sadness.
  329. Axelrod tells it's not a word but jesus fucking christ it's going to take a bazillion fucking dollars to save these fucking schools.
  330. dong-clamping shit-cannons
  331. I've asked Axelrod to come over and just pour the coffee straight into my mouth while I'm still lying here. "I'll be right over!"
  332. Christ, I'm so fucking tired I forgot to swear in that last tweet: Fucking motherfucking shit cock ass fuck twat. Feeling better already.
  333. So Ari is throwing me a fundraiser soon, except he keeps calling it a "fuck-raiser." I don't even know what that fucking means. He scares me
  334. But, I'd rather be on a flight to LA than have to tour another pathetic fucking school. Today's might as well be the Oliver Twist Academy.
  335. Sufficiently coffeed. Alright, Chicago, I'm going to fuck you in the fucking face today.
  336. If Dart's rent-a-cops pull over Axelrod's Civic one more time, I'm going to stuff my fist so far up his ass my stump will tickle his uvula.
  337. Axelrod just called me from the impound. Dart's goons hauled his fucking Civic in. Oh, it's motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuck.
  338. Sheriff Woody from Toy Story is more of a real lawman than that cocktard Dart. "There's a motherfucking snake in my boot."
  339. Axelrod just pulled up in his Civic, gave a beep and I went out. The thing has DART RULES spraypainted across the motherfucking hood.
  340. I'm going to have to drink ten thousand motherfucking beers to make this day motherfucking better.
  341. Sara McH. (née B.)
    @MayorEmanuel But aren't you happy that Randy Michaels resigned?
  342. @yellowcardigan good point. Motherfucking 9,999.
  343. Matt Spector
    @MayorEmanuel You bastard, are you coming to Northwestern's homecoming or not?
  344. @mspec what the fucking motherfucking fuck would I do that for?
  345. Chicago, it's really fucking easy: put down the fucking mouse, walk out the fucking door, it's fucking Friday.
  346. Julie E. Miller
    @MayorEmanuel Business never stops. Even on Friday.
  347. @jem0622 you're in the wrong fucking business
  348. Axelrod just showed up with a fucking case of toilet paper. We're going to TP the living shit out of Dart's house!
  349. If you think I'm getting out of fucking bed on a rainy Saturday, you're out of your motherfucking cock-holed mind.
  350. The fuck is Plouffe sending me to store openings for? What's next, being a motherfucking greeter at the Pullman Wall-Mart?
  351. And seriously, there is an entirely different class of douchebag that shows up at an Apple Store opening in Lincoln fucking Park.
  352. Who wants a MacBook Air.with a side of asshole? Order fucking up.
  353. Fucking Christ, morning at the Apple Store, afternoon at Whole Foods. Suck it out if my asshole, Lincoln Park!
  354. Matt Gianquinto
    @MayorEmanuel I think you meant "of" and not "if"
  355. @quintoCT who the fuck died and made you Microsoft fucking Word?
  356. Fuck-trampling shit-eclipse
  357. Hey Chicago, get your hands off your fucking cock and get the fuck outside. It's motherfucking incredible out here.
  358. By the way, fuck this fucking team.
  359. I swear to fucking god, Honeycrisp apples are motherfucking twat-licious!
  360. Cameos too--you put that shit into your fucking face-hole and you think, "Motherfucker, I am eating a fucking apple."
  361. Doug Gordon
    #Bears were 3-0 before Rahm moved back to Chicago. Since @MayorEmanuel has been back they are 1-3. Coincidence? I think not. #p2
  362. @dgordon52 Nice math, Ein-fucking-stein. How do you explain the last fucking umpteen years?
  363. Fuck your fucking Monday morning right in its fucking puckered fucking pink fucking asshole.
  364. Axelrod's mustache was back today after its week off. Good to have that bushy motherfucker back.
  365. Batten down the hatches, motherfuckers!
  366. Michael Sterchak
    @MayorEmanuel: how is your campaign prepared for this shit-kickin' wind storm heading for Chicago?
  367. @MichaelSterchak The way we deal with everything: Axelrod's digging a motherfucking trench.
  368. Axelrod's refusing to come up from the basement. Pretty sure that motherfucker's eaten most of the canned peaches. Fuck me.
  369. Axelrod's calling up from the basement, telling me I shouldn't be up on the roof yelling, "BRING IT ON, YOU WINDY MOTHERFUCKERS."
  371. Now there's motherfucking blue motherfucking skies out there. This goddamn wind storm can fucking blow me.
  372. C-fuck-O-fuck-F-fuck-F-fuck-E-fuck-E
  373. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  374. @Orcaspapa the unfollow button is right over there.
  375. So I see that motherfucker Dart got that shit-box I sent him.
  376. Hey Chicago, meet the new motherfucking sheriff in town.
  377. Strategy session: do we just hold the fucking election early? Or do we not fucking bother at all? Seems like a fucking formality now.
  378. Axelrod's telling me I need to do more at this news conference than let them film my motherfucking victory lap.
  379. Blago 4 Mayor
    @quintoCT Oh I'm following you, all right! I'm following you straight to @MayorEmanuel, and then it's on! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
  380. @Blago4Mayor fuck off, you stupid fucking fake account.
  381. Dear Chicago, I'm sorry that 21 years of Daley gave you a field of fucking pussies. And me.
  382. But really, when I look at this fucking pathetic field and the most credible candidate casts dicks in cement, I mostly feel sorry for you.
  383. Josh Davison
    @MayorEmanuel I'm SO voting Plastercaster, assmunch. WE GOT US A HORSERACE
  384. @stringbot have fun with that, you stupid fucking cocktard.
  385. New slogan: "I mostly feel sorry for you, you pathetic fucking shit-tards. Emanuel '11"
  386. When I finish this cup of coffee, I'm going to dump the filter and fuck the grinds.
  387. 13 voicemails from Hendon yesterday reminding me that he was a "real"candidate. No you're not, Rickey. No you're fucking not.
  388. New slogan: "Your other choice is Rickey fucking Hendon. Emanuel '11"
  389. Fucking fuck-stained fuck-trombones.
  390. Axelrod just came over with a fuck-it bucket of chicken. This night just got a whole motherfucking lot better.
  391. Holy jesus fucking christ-hole, I have a massive chicken hangover.
  392. Shit-fucking fuck-shitters, it's motherfucking cold out here!
  393. Fuck you, you fucking motherfuckers, it's finally motherfucking Friday.
  394. Supposed to go to a halloween party at Carl the intern's apartment tonight. Word is Schiller's wearing a "sexy can of fruit" outfit. Fuck.
  395. Also, fucking Flores is supposed to be there. Assuming he's going dressed as a ten-year-old girl because that's what he looks like anyway.
  396. Jody Weis is supposed to be there too. That stupid motherfucker always comes to this shit in his uniform--"I'm going as a hero." Fuck off.
  397. Me, I'm going as Mr. Schuester from Glee. I love that motherfucking show so fucking much it fucking scares me sometimes.
  398. I would try to sum up my night, but I'll just leave it at "Who wants to open up this can of fruit?" Holy shit-fucking-christ-fuck.
  399. Jeremy Schultz
    @MayorEmanuel You were funnier before f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck
  400. @jeremyschultz (1) when the fuck was that? (2) the unfollow button's right over there.
  401. The scariest part of Halloween this year is the realization that I'm going to be voting for motherfucking Alexi in three days. BOO!
  402. Just bought a little fake blood sprayer I can attach to my finger stump. These fucking trick or treat kids will shit their diapers.
  403. Guy came to my door in the most fucking amazing Zombie Pat Quinn outfit. Then I realized it was actually just sad-shitting Quinn himself.
  404. Holy fuck, I've eaten so much candy corn that I think I can see through motherfucking time!
  405. Caught in a fucking candy-corn haze. Jean Baptiste Point du Sable and Papa Bear Hallas are dancing. Axelrod's mustache sings like an angel.
  406. John Belushi and Harold Washington are swimming in the river. Their bodies bleed together in the dark murk of the water. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.
  407. I look out the window and the Hancock and the Sears reach out and kiss each other tenderly. My fucking tears taste like celery salt.
  408. The stars are red and the sky is striped with blue. I baptize myself in the lake's frigid waters. I AM REFUCKINGBORN.
  409. Where the fuck am I? What the fuck happened last night? And why the fuck am I wearing nothing but Payton's retired jersey?
  410. I'm on a roof. All I see up here with me is the head of Benny the Bull and about 700 motherfucking Brady for Gov yard signs. Uh... help?
  411. OK, I'm on the roof if the museum of science and industry. Axelrod's got a ladder set up. Fucking christ, I've gotta lay off the sugar.
  412. I would rather wet my ballsack and stick it to a frozen fucking flagpole than vote for Quinn and Alexi tomorrow. But I am anyway.
  413. I know that's not a ringing fucking endorsement, but seriously: they're both as dumb as a sack of cocks. But the other guys are dumber.
  414. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  415. @Calamity_Meg Fucking vote or fucking shut your shit-hole.
  416. Claypool actually seems like a smart motherfucker. Or maybe it's just that Berrios makes me vomit into my fucking mouth whenever I see him.
  417. Just voted. Yep, that felt just as shitty as I thought it would. Ah, motherfucking democracy.
  418. Alexi just called to thank me, except it came out sounding like "Tankoo f'ya vode." I get dumber every time I talk with that motherfucker.
  419. Brian LoCicero
    Hey @MayorEmanuel, what say you to this? RT @NBCChicago: Voters Say 'Hell No' to Emanuel's Petitioners https://bit.ly/bXMB3B
  420. @duey23 I say have fun with Mayor motherfucking Hendon then.
  421. Axelrod and I are debating whether it makes more sense to get drunk now or wait until West Coast polls close. Fuck it. Now.
  422. I present to you the new motherfucking Congressperson from Kentucky, Rand Paul. And people wondered why I got out when I did.
  423. Holy motherfucking Jesus fucking Christ, we do not have anywhere near enough alcohol to get us through this fucking night.
  424. You know, it's really not that the Republicans are going to win tonight, it's that the ones that will are all motherfucking crazy.
  425. Chet Farley
    .@MayorEmanuel whoops, he's a motherfucking senator. Watch your head, his supporters wear boots!
  426. @chetFarley jesus-fuck I need to drink more before I can process that sentence.
  427. Axelrod is insisting that Paul is a Senator, not a congressperson. I'm insisting that her pour me another dozen drinks before I accept it.
  428. You know shit is bad when your highlight reel has to include a guy who won against a motherfucking anti-masturbation ass-crazy witch.
  429. The New Democratic Party: We can beat the shit out of wrestlers and witches. Regular old nutjobs? Not so fucking much.
  430. Wins in Connecticut, Delaware, and West Virginia. Someone want to chalk one up in a motherfucking state that motherfucking counts?
  431. Fax from Plouffe is coming in now. It just reads "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..." I'm assuming a C-K will come in eventually.
  432. Axelrod just went out to get more beer and about 75 fuck-it buckets of chicken. This night calls for a good old-fashioned deep-fry wallow.
  433. That Rand Paul speech almost made me choke on my own motherfucking vomit. Six years of that asshole. Six fucking years.
  434. Scott Smith
    And Berrios! Jesus. I am about to challenge @MayorEmanuel to a scotch speed-drinking contest.
  435. @ourmaninchicago get in fucking line. Currently in a drinking contest with the whole motherfucking world, apparently.
  436. Contemplating snapping my cock in a mousetrap. Has to be better than the rest of these fucking results.
  437. Yep, it was. Might need a motherfucking band-aid though.
  438. How is it that motherfucking Colorado is emerging as the most sane fucking state in the union?
  439. Lou
    @MayorEmanuel If you want to direct your ire, I'd go for the Greens.
  440. @penwhen Go after a party that doesn't even fucking matter, while my own party just wallows in their own mediocrity? Dumb fucking advice.
  441. I know it's great if Alexi wins, but seriously: We'll all have to stare at his dumb fucking face for the next six years.
  442. Making a call to Feingold, trying to get that asshole over here to drink with me and Axelrod. What the fuck else does he have to do now?
  443. Stacey Burns
    How many people is @MayorEmanuel following? Fucking ZERO, that's how many.
  444. @WentRogue why the fuck would I want to follow any of you fucking cock-stomps?
  445. Seriously Russ, it shouldn't have been motherfucking you.
  446. Jesus fucking christ, I can't fucking take it. Axelrod switched over to re-runs of Night Court, and I'm not changing it back.
  447. Just interrupted Night Court to say the Dems will lose the House. Hope the next interruption is to tell me that the night is fucking dark.
  448. If that crazy fucking motherfucking fucking Sharron fucking Angle fucking wins, I'm fucking done with motherfucking democracy.
  449. Hey Meg Whitman, you can buy anything, but you can't buy motherfucking backbone.
  450. Feingold just got here. That motherfucker is seriously a bad place. But things are looking up: "Hey, is that Night Court? Awesome."
  451. You know, I'd feel a lot better about the Democrats retaining the goddamn Senate if they'd all pull their fucking fists out of their asses.
  452. I'm just going to say it right now: The Boehner/boner jokes are too fucking easy. Motherfucking amateur motherfucking hour.
  453. Shit motherfucking fuck shitting shit fuckers. Fucking shitbagging tea shitters. Fuck fucking fuck motherfuck. Shit shitting shittingshit
  454. Alexi was a dumb fucking sack of shit. But he was OUR dumb fucking sack of shit.
  455. So it comes down to hoping that Harry fucking Reid pull off Nevada? Is there a Chicago on some tropical fucking island I can be mayor of?
  456. Congratulations on the win Harry, you colossally boring, old fucking man.
  457. Feingold passed out. I tucked his jacket around him and am letting the sad motherfucker sleep. Dream the dreams of the righteous, Russ.
  458. Me? I'm up all night. This Night Court thing turned out to be a motherfucking MARATHON. Oh Bull, you gentle fucking giant, hold us all.
  459. Holy fucking shit-bags. Can we get a motherfucking do-over on yesterday?
  460. Carl the intern has just been sent on the mother of all coffee runs. There's going to be a world fucking shortage when he's done.
  461. Feingold just woke up. Not entirely clear he remembers what happened last night. I'm certainly not going to fucking tell him.
  462. Jen Levine-Fried
    @MayorEmanuel Have you considered chocolate?
  463. @jlfmama did you really just fucking ask me if I've considered chocolate? I'm a grown fucking man. I 'consider' chocolate all the time.
  464. You know what's fucking awesome? The fact that I'm not in motherfucking Washington anymore. Jesus fucking christ. Have fun, assholes.
  465. Jen Levine-Fried
    @MayorEmanuel Sen. Feingold might appreciate it. You know...to give him the warm fuzzies, like in Harry Potter?
  466. @jlfmama Harry Potter? Jesus fucking christ. Stick this on your broom and fucking ride it.
  467. Sam Husseini
    @MayorEmanuel yes. That last one - not in wash - got emanuels post election position right.
  468. @samhusseini What the fuck, are you fact-checking this bullshit? Get PolitiFact on the horn--some fucking fake account said something!
  469. Axelrod cleared all the newspapers, so Feingold still doesn't know. Current plan is to convince him he's fucking stuck, Groundhog Day style.
  470. @Cals400 Last I checked, Chicago was about 2,000 miles away from San Francisco. Outta my jurisdiction, thank fucking god.
  471. Filled the bathtub with coffee. About to dunk my motherfucking head in it.
  472. Downside to this Groundhog Day plan with Feingold: Axelrod's sweater really fucking smells on day three.
  473. Shit--who knew Russ knew how to use a computer? Now he's fucking bawling again.
  474. Off to the airport to head to LA for Ari's fundraiser. I know he's my brother, but he fucking terrifies me.
  475. Ari met me at LAX wearing nothing but a chinchilla coat. "Are you ready for this?" he asked, grinning. No I'm fucking not.
  476. Ry Rivard
    @MayorEmanuel He was wearing fur in L.A.? It's 97 degrees. What is a matter with him?
  477. @ryrivard don't get me motherfucking started.
  478. Ari drives his Telsa about five miles an hour. And whistles at every women we pass. My back fucking hurts from slumping in my seat.
  479. Max Ellithorpe
    @MayorEmanuel why so few updates today? :(
  480. @maxellithorpe uh, flying in a motherfucking airplane from motherfucking ORD to LAX will do that to you.
  481. "Oh, it's motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuckers!" That's Ari, shouting from the balcony, before jumping into the pool below.
  482. Max Ellithorpe
    @MayorEmanuel oh yeah? nothing about oprah? nothing about the new fleece blanket they gave you onboard? did you tell it like it was?
  483. @maxellithorpe I get on an airplane and you know what I do? I motherfucking fall asleep. Takes a fucking flight attended to wake me up.
  484. David Geffen keeps egging him on. Geffen, by the way, travels with a pack of tiny fucking dogs. There are like 40 of them here.
  485. Ari has a midget walking around with a bowl strapped to his head for people to put money in. "He's your donation munchkin!!" Fuck.
  486. When the midget walked in, I said "Ari, no." And he said, "Look, you fucking piece of shit, at least it's not a coke mirror on his head."
  487. Kid Rock just showed up. I feel giddy like a motherfucking schoolgirl.
  488. Bob Iger just showed up just wearing a little leather pouch over his cock. Ari says that's how he's always dressed when he's not at Disney.
  489. You know who's fucking classy? Meryl motherfucking Streep. She didn't show, but she sent a really nice card. And $10k.
  490. Kid Rock and Geffen got into a fistfight. Crashed through the french doors, off the balcony and into the pool. His dogs are jumping in too.
  491. Seriously there are like 70 fucking tiny dogs freaking the fuck out in the pool. Donation munchkin is trying to fish them out. There he goes
  492. So now my fucking money is floating in the pool, while a midget, 80 tiny dogs, David fucking Geffen and Kid Rock splash around.
  493. Jesus fucking christ this is a fucking disaster. I should have just stayed shaking hands at your motherfucking L station.
  494. Iger seems to have "lost" his cock-pouch. Just fucking perfect.
  495. You know who's awesome? Geffen's boyfriend. Walked over, handed me a beer, and said, "Welcome to motherfucking LA. Get out while you can."
  496. "Wake the fuck up, you stupid fucking shitbag." Yeah, good morning to you too, Ari. I can not wait to catch the plane home.
  497. Kid Rock is passed out on a lawn chair and they're still pulling Geffen's dogs out of the pool filter. But I made 500k. Good fucking haul.
  498. Three things LA has that Chicago doesn't: 1) warmth 2) a shit-ton of rich assholes willing to give me money 3) taco trucks.
  499. One thing Chicago has that LA doesn't: a fucking soul. Let's head motherfucking home.
  500. Michael Harty
    @MayorEmanuel I have to know where that picture possibly came from??
  501. @MPH777 from a motherfucking camera
  502. When I beat you, I'm not sitting down to dinner with you afterwards. I'm not having a fucking beer. When I beat you, you stay fucking beat.
  503. Fuck you, Chicago, it's motherfucking Friday motherfucking night. Time to go the fuck home.
  504. Whoever called this motherfucking Saturday morning meeting is a motherfucking dead man.
  505. Redheadedgirl
    Who's fucking hangover did I get? @MayorEmanuel, is this yours? Can you fucking take it back, please?
  506. @redheadedgirl motherfucking finders motherfucking keepers
  507. Fuck you, Daylight Savings Time, fuck you right in your stupid fucking sun orbit.
  508. You know what's cute? That Chico thinks he has a fucking chance. Awwwww.
  509. I'd be more excited about this bears win if the experience of watching them didn't feel like stuffing a Q- tip up my fucking urethra.
  510. Fucking motherfucking fuck-loving coffee.
  511. Today's strategy session: Do we actually pretend that Davis and Chico matter, or do we just not give a fuck?
  512. Bill Wetzel
    @mayoremanuel You're awesome. I'd like to interview you for a column. You crack me up. If interested email me: billthebutcher2@hotmail.com
  513. @billthebutcher2 like I'm going to do press for your two-bit motherfucking blog.
  514. Fuck you, winter! It's motherfucking incredible outside!
  515. I know I'm supposed to be shaking hands at some fucking factory, but fuck it: Me and Axelrod are heading to the Oak Street Beach. You in?
  516. In a few weeks, you're going to be cock-deep in snow. Fuck your job and come to the motherfucking beach, you assholes.
  517. Axelrod in a Speedo is a motherfucking magnificent sight.
  518. Gordon Wright
    @immerito Agreed. Maintain resolve. Don't be weakened by the enticements of @MayorEmanuel and his ilk.
  519. @gwmusic @immerito Get off your fucking fat asses and hit the motherfucking beach. The fucking winter will fuck you either way.
  520. Standing knee-deep in this fucking water, feeling the sun in my face. If someone hands me a taco al pastor, I'd be happy to fucking die here
  521. If this weather holds up, I'll use my political capital in DC to change November to Nofuckingvember! With the fucking exclamation point.
  522. Kites, people. Look at this fucking weather. Today it's motherfucking kites.
  523. Seriously, Axelrod and I are heading to Montrose fucking Harbor. I'll be flying the giant fucking pirate ship. Axelrod's got Hello Kitty.
  524. Electra
    @MayorEmanuel My man and I ate a fuck-it bucket of chicken last night. You are an inspiration to us all.
  525. @ElectraQ101 I do what I motherfucking can.
  526. When Axelrod pulled up in his Civic, he was still in his fucking Speedo. "It just feels right." Fuck yes.
  527. I just want to bend this weather over and fuck it until it hurts.
  528. And you know what? You do to. NOFUCKINGVEMBER!
  529. Text from Plouffe: "Vacation's over, ass-wipes. Back to work tomorrow." Axelrod just mooned my phone.
  530. HuffPost Chicago
    @mayoremanuel Any choice words for your tenant / possible mayoral challenger? https://huff.to/bQnI6H
  531. @HuffPostChicago no motherfucking comment.
  532. @HuffPostChicago actually, I do have a fucking comment: it's a non-fucking story. A fucking publicity stunt by marginalized ward assholes.
  533. Samantha
    @mayoremanuel Gee, how nice of you to finally tell us why you're here. I couldn't stand the suspense any longer. https://bit.ly/dw2fHZ
  534. @SamAbernethy I said that we didn't need to fucking worry about it, but Plouffe insisted.
  535. Samantha
    @MayorEmanuel Yeah, well I had fucking plans on Saturday and now you're fucking ruining them. So tell Plouffe to shove it up his v-hole.
  536. @SamAbernethy I am so fucking far ahead of you on that one it's not even motherfucking funny.
  537. As punishment for taking the last two days off, Plouffe just faxed over a press release: I'm announcing on a fucking Saturday. Fuck me.
  538. I faxed him back a picture of my cock. Fuck this motherfucking Saturday bullshit.
  539. Dan Lambert
    @MayorEmanuel I saw you coming out of @RockitChicago a few weeks ago. Are you and Billy Dec BFFs now?
  540. @DanLambert22 sometimes you send a shitbox via the post office, and sometimes you deliver them in person. It was a motherfucking special one
  541. Motherfucking cock-bowling shit-cleaners. Where is that fuck-crying qqcoffee?
  542. Fuck, I'm so fucking tired that I can't even motherfucking typ.
  543. You know what's wrong with motherfucking John Kass besides fucking everything? That he actually thinks that "Rahmfather" shit is clever.
  544. Seriously, that guy needs to shut his talentless fucking trap before he wakes up one morning to find his hairplugs stuffed up his piss hole
  545. Plouffe faxed the schedule. I'm heading to some Internet company today. Like we're going to save the fucking economy with 50% off spa days.
  546. Ellen Malloy
    @MayorEmanuel Fake Rahm, you owe me a new keyboard for this morning's tweet. Please ensure it is in the city budget upon your coronation.
  547. @EllenMalloy fuck you and your fucking keyboard
  548. Been on this Groupon tour for 20 minutes wondering why the fuck a 12-year-old is leading it. Turns out he's their CEO.
  549. Apparently we're saving the fucking city by thwarting child labor laws. I swear there's nobody in this building above the age of 13.
  550. Seriously, can someone offer these guys 50% off employees that can grow fucking pubic hair?
  551. Axelrod has been playing foosball while I've been dragged on this motherfucking tour. How many computers do I have to stand and look at?
  552. That said, I've gotten 50% off so many motherfucking manicures that my cuticles are going to motherfucking blind you.
  553. Hey Chico and Davis, I got you a Fuckyoupon: 50% off getting out of this race with your dick still stitched on.
  554. Fax from Plouffe: Alexi's considering making a run for mayor. That's what we need: more motherfucking losers in this race.
  555. I swear to fucking god, Alexi enters the race and I will break my dick off and fuck him in his motherfucking exposed pores.
  556. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  557. @GrapesofLife Like there is any fucking chance of that in this universe or any fucking other.
  558. I would rather debate my own fucking ballsack than have to stand at a podium across from Alexi and listen to his dumb fucking mouth.
  559. Hey Alexi, I picked up a Fuckyoupon for you too: 75% off your worst motherfucking nightmare.
  560. chris cieslak
    @MayorEmanuel I've had that debate and it's way tougher than you might think.
  561. @cieslak I'm not suggesting it because it's motherfucking EASY you fucking twat-cram.
  562. Seriously, the thought of Alexi motherfucking Giannoulias entering this goddamn race makes me feel like my fucking brain is on fire.
  563. I motherfucking need some motherfucking coffee poured down my motherfucking gullet right motherfucking now.
  564. Strategy session for tomorrow: Axelrod says, "Why the fuck do you think I'm here, you fucking shitbags." Is "too strong" of an opener.
  565. Plouffe's on speaker. Says I should look " fresh faced." If that asshole ever comes to Chicago, I'm going to stick my ballsack in his eye.
  566. Axelrod also says no to, "I'm not here because I like you fucking twat-warts, I'm here to be your mayor."
  567. Touring some fucking T- shirt company today. T-shirts and coupons? This city is so fucking motherfucking fucked.
  568. Seriously, this city used to build things. Now we're just assholes with novelty t-shirts. I'm with motherfucking stupid.
  569. Axelrod's excited though: "I want the one of the cookie drinking a glass of milk."
  570. Daniel X. O'Neil
    Hey @MayorEmanuel I'll give you a dollar if you follow me on Twitter.
  571. @juggernautco why the fuck would I fucking follow any of you assholes?
  572. For the next hour I'm going to be staring blankly at T-shirts pretending like I give a fuck.
  573. Yeah, it really is just a giant fucking pile of T-shirts. Axelrod is wearing about half of them at this point.
  574. Axelrod: "Do you have any shirts with wolves on them?" That fucking guy is obsessed with wolves.
  575. Daniel X. O'Neil
    @MayorEmanuel um, so you can get a dollar?
  576. @juggernautco Penny Pritzker calls me regularly. I don't need your fucking dollar.
  577. Ale
    @MayorEmanuel don't complain.. he could be obsessed with Twilight instead.
  578. @aliasvaughn don't even get me motherfucking started.
  579. Can't pull Axelrod away from this fucking ping-pong table. Maybe I need to leave a trail of T-shirts leading out the door, breadcrumb style.
  580. I see Alexi got that Fuckyoupon I sent over. Mason was right: the real profit is when they don't redeem them.
  581. Samantha
    Whoa, @mayoremanuel is 50. I didn't think he was that old. He must sleep in a tupperware container to stay fresh.
  582. @SamAbernethy seething hate does wonders for the skin.
  583. Finally got Axelrod away from the ping-pong. Never need to look at another motherfucking T-shirt again.
  584. Action Items: (1) fucking (2) finally (3) it's fucking (4) motherfucking (5) Friday (6) fucking (7) night
  585. Jesus motherfucking Christ, this goddamn Saturday morning announcement is going to motherfucking kill me. COFFEE.
  586. The only thing that's going to get me through this is knowing that when I shake your hand, mine is covered in cock sweat.
  587. We were supposed to do this at 10, but its going to take a motherfucking hour to navigate through all these fucking baby strollers. Go home
  588. Thank fucking god: Axelrod slipped me a couple fucking shots just now. Here goes motherfucking nothing.
  589. Speech preview: I've spent these last weeks listening to your problems. And gone home every fucking night and poured bleach in my ears.
  590. Who the fuck are these people talking right now? Am I at the wrong fucking event?
  591. My god, it's like I'm at a convention of the saddest fucking people in Chicago.
  592. Speech preview: Despite all of you, I still want to be the motherfucking mayor.
  593. Christ- sucking cock-holes, that was 45 minutes I will never, fucking ever, get back.
  594. And now I have to stand around kissing all of your fucking asses while the weather turns from shitty to motherfucking miserable. Fuck this.
  595. Sharna Marcus
    @MayorEmanuel why are so many aldermen opposed to you being mayor?
  596. @scarpetablog because they're all fucking assholes?
  597. Axelrod and I are heading over for a celebratory meal at Superdawg. I am going to eat the living shit out of a motherfucking Whoopskidawg.
  598. Sleeping motherfucking in today. No more listening tour for you assholes means more sleep for me. Fuck yes.
  599. Picked up a Fuckyoupon for Meeks this weekend: 50% off nobody gives a fuck.
  600. Axelrod's Civic broke an axle on the way to file our petitions today, so Carl the Intern had to steal a cart from Jewel and walk 'em.
  601. Meanwhile, we're over at the Grease Monkey trying not to get completely fucked on the axle replacement.
  602. What the fucking fuck is a "constant velocity joint" and can we get by without one?
  603. Before he wheeled off with our petitions, I gave Carl head-fake lessons. Chico is about to get the head-faking of a fucking lifetime.
  604. Axelrod's Civic already gets by without a passenger-side windows or radio. Does it really need a differential seal?
  605. TryingToBeFunny
    @MayorEmanuel It's the part on your car that is specifically designed to wear out early and costs way too much to fix.
  606. @VinnyVanHogh fucking fuck me.
  607. Carl just called Axelrod's Razr: Cart tipped over on Washington, most of the petitions ended up in the street. Not my fucking day.
  608. Carl says he got most of the petitions and that they're "mostly just muddy." At least that'll cover the coffee I spilled on them.
  609. Shit is so fucking motherfucking fucked that I keep fucking forgetting to fucking swear. Fuck.
  610. Dylan Richard
    @MayorEmanuel cv joints keep your wheels at the right speed when the car turns, also transmit power from trans to wheels. You need them.
  611. @detour1999 Jesus motherfucking Christ.
  612. Mike Yax
    What do you think about this? @MayorEmanuel RT @nytimes For Emanuel, Obstacles in Path to Chicago Mayor https://nyti.ms/aDnMvP
  613. @DeclanMellor if they're talking about the pothole on Clyborn, then they're right fucking on.
  614. Finally getting Axelrod's out of the shop. Motherfuck. Carl says Mosley-Braun was crowing about having the most signatures. Fuck her.
  615. All Mosley-Braun's signatures and two bucks will buy her a Coke. No idea how much it'd cost her to buy a fucking clue.
  616. Kathy M.
    @MayorEmanuel If you're going to bash someone, at least spell her name right. Moseley-Braun.
  617. @semibold if it was 1993, I'd totally give a fuck.
  618. Holy fucking Jesus fuck. Where the fucking fuck is the motherfucking coffee?
  619. When I was a dancer, I learned the phrase "mutually assured destruction." Meeks, Davis, and Braun should fucking look it up.
  620. Been driving with the Teamsters all day. Pulled up to Chico's house in a big rig and blew on the horn. Beep beep, motherfucker!
  621. Fox Chicago News
    @mayoremanuel Salon says you're one of the sexiest men alive: https://bit.ly/c44lYx
  622. @foxchicago Salon's always had good taste. Unlike, say, a motherfucking local Fox News outpost. Go fuck yourselves in the Rupert Murdoch.
  623. Another thing about the Teamsters: You have not eaten a sandwich until you have eaten a motherfucking Teamster sandwich.
  624. Aaron Andersen
    @MayorEmanuel Good job. You made the same sexy men list as Zach Galifianakis. Stellar work.
  625. @aaronmandersen I'm supposed to know who the fucking fuck that is?
  626. Marc Geelhoed
    @MayorEmanuel Try this on: "Wasn't Teamster Sandwich some Andersonville lesbian bar?" You know you need a fast jokewriter.
  627. @marcgeelhoed Tell me if you meet one, because clearly you're not the motherfucking guy for the job. Jesus fucking christ. Lesbian jokes?
  628. Hanging with Teamsters is like hanging with high school kids, but with mustaches. You just eat, drink, and fucking drive around.
  629. Marc Geelhoed
    @MayorEmanuel When did you grow a conscience?
  630. @marcgeelhoed Conscience? It's just that 1985 wanted its joke back, you stupid fucking motherfucker.
  631. Axelrod and this Teamster named Bruno are in the mother of all pizza eating contests. Fucking I kid you not: we're in hour three.
  632. Axelrod's been puking most of the night. The price of motherfucking victory.
  633. Hanging out with beat cops today, as my motherfucking Chicago mustache tour continues. Tomorrow: cartoon Italian plumbers
  634. He keeps this residency shit up, and I'm going to cram my motherfucking mortgage documents right up Ed Burke's pockmarked ass.
  635. I'm not saying Daley's a bad guy, but his new budget just fucked you in the ass without even saying please.
  636. Next parking meter box you see, whip your cock out and fuck the coin return. Coin-slot-sex is the only thing you'll see from the meter deal.
  637. I mean really, how the fuck do you fucking twat-up a hundred-year lease deal? Just a few coins motherfucking left over? Fuck this shit.
  638. So now we're all running to be mayor of a city that's so fucking motherfucking broke, we'll all be selling plasma to fund the schools. Fuck.
  639. Staffing up with a new intern, who just walked in with motherfucking tea. Hey what's-your-fuck, you're out.
  640. Axelrod's already getting his motherfucking Hagrid costume together for the Deathly Hallows opening tomorrow.
  641. I keep telling Axelrod that I'm going as Gandalf. He's getting so fucking mad I think his mustache might fall off.
  642. Strategy session, and every motherfucking suggestion from Axelrod involves a fucking Harry Potter reference.
  643. Fuck: "Let's cast lumos on the budget situation."
  644. Motherfuck: "Let's use Stupefy on Chico."
  645. I know it's only 8:30, but I need a motherfucking drink.
  646. Axelrod spent most of the 2:30 meeting "getting all of you up to speed on the Harry Potter franchise." Can it fucking be midnight yet?
  647. 3/4 of the way through his retelling, he started crying because Dumbledore was killed. And he hasn't fucking stopped bawling since.
  648. I swear, by the end of this day, I may just stuff this motherfucking wand in my motherfucking ear hole.
  649. This line is fucking long and fucking cold. And this fucking wizard's cloak is not magically fucking warm.
  650. Jesus motherfucking Christ, I have a hangover the size of fucking Hogwarts.
  651. Meeks, you keep pushing this residency bullshit and I will cram your cross so far up your ass, it'll take three days just to fucking find it
  652. I will admit that I'm a resident of Theothermotherfuckersaremotherfuckingdisasters-ville.
  653. And I own a timeshare in the great city of Fuckyouton.
  654. The first fucking person to file a suit over my residency is going to find my foot taking up residency inside their sphincter.
  655. Fuck you all of you motherfuckers in the motherfucking asshole, it's finally motherfucking Friday night.
  656. Aaron Andersen
    @MayorEmanuel After 7 hours of silence, that's the best you got?
  657. @aaronmandersen you spend seven hours with Axelrod dressed as Hagrid and tell me if you can do any fucking better.
  658. Axelrod is off at his sixth screening of Deathly Hallows but Penny Pritzker's bringing over a diamond-encrusted bucket of chicken. Fuck yes.
  659. Penny also brought over four cans of Four Lokos and is offering me $100k for each one I drink. Easy fucking money.
  660. Sho thag for logos shtit aignt sho fuctink touf
  661. Im sho fuctink fukt on thiz resgidetse shid itz nod efin fungky.
  662. Motherfucking fucking fuck fuckers.
  663. The decision to only use one endzone in this fucking NU game was made by fucking cocktards. Dumbest fucking game ever.
  664. Going over Thanksgiving plans with Axelrod today. He's saying Harold's, I'm saying Popeye's. Fucking fuck.
  665. Jesus motherfucking Christ, could it be any more gray and fucking miserable outside? Fuck this shit: stay in.
  666. Carl has hooked up the motherfucking coffee IV, so I might be able to overcome this fucking gray fucking day.
  667. I hope this motherfucking monsoon floods the shit out of my former house. Learn to swim, you piece of shit.
  668. I pissed myself laughing at the idea of a motherfucking "Draft Burris Movement." I may vote for that fuck, so he at least gets one.
  669. Personally, I see this as a three-way race now: Me, M. Tricia Lee, and all the other sorry fucking assholes.
  670. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  671. @dannyyadron Carl the Intern says call him on his cell, you stupid motherfucker.
  672. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  673. @dannyyadron Oh, no problem: 773-382-5968. Check the keypad, asshole.
  674. I just keep looking at this motherfucking list of candidates and thinking how they all ended up fucking circus clowns.
  675. Holy Jesus fuck, Carl the Intern forgot to pay the heating bill, so we're all fucking huddled around a goddamn hot pot right now.
  676. Trying to squeeze out shits that look like Turkey legs to bring to Chico's potluck.
  677. Hey Chico, I would rather be endorsed by Ed Burke's cum rag than anyone connected with the motherfucking Chicago Public Schools.
  678. During the NOLA mayor's race, candidates didn't try to get Hurricane Katrina's motherfucking endorsement. But fucking CPS is OK?
  679. Axelrod just walked in looking like the motherfucking Deerhunter. Looked me dead in the eye and said, "We bag a bird tomorrow."
  680. On the way to Wisconsin with Axelrod and Carl the Intern to kill a turkey. Carl's crying. Fucking vegetarians.
  681. Jesus fucking Christ, Kenosha Wisconsin is a place I never need to go again in my motherfucking life.
  682. Axelrod's been driving this whole time with a knife clenched between his teeth, like he's some kind of motherfucking pirate.
  683. Details, details: The knife, it turns out, is the only tool Axelrod brought for the hunt. He's chasing birds around a field, knife raised.
  684. Holy fuck, he got one! Now he's standing there yelling "BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF THE BIRD!"
  685. There is so much more blood in a turkey than you'd think. Jesus fucking Christ.
  686. Axelrod, me, Carl, and the Civic are completely covered in blood. If we get pulled over, this could get motherfucking ugly.
  687. Plouffe just faxed over the menu for tomorrow. Turns out we picked up the wrong fucking stuffing. Motherfuck.
  688. There are 100,000 fucking assholes crammed into this Domincks. Get me my stuffing or I'll give you something to be fucking thankfull for.
  689. They are out of motherfucking stuffing. Fuck every single one of you fucking goddamn motherfuckers right in your fucking face.
  690. Fucking Ari: "Hey you asshole, I heard you bagged a bird. I'm sending my jet your way. Turkey day in LA—Pants fucking optional."
  691. Sarah Palin
    @mayoremanuel: Happy Thanksgiving or whatever the proper greeting is for Jews!
  692. @Sarah_Palin_USA fuck you and your fucking fake account.
  693. "Happy fucking Thanksgiving, you motherfucking ass-hats." That's Ari, greeting us at the limo pulled up to his house.
  694. I've spent most of the day chasing Geffen's dogs around the goddamn house. They keep jumping up and grabbing shit off the counters.
  695. For dinner tonight, we've got Ari, Geffen & boyfriend, Me, Axelrod, Carl the Intern, Carol Burnett, Harrison fucking Ford, and Kayne West.
  696. Carol's been drinking for like five hours now, and Harrison's been sulking in a corner for some fucking reason.
  697. Dinner was supposed to start an hour ago. I swear to god, I'm going to just start gnawing off my own fucking arm.
  698. We're late because Carl the Intern was playing football with Geffen's boyfriend and knocked over the fucking turkey deep fryer on a play.
  699. Carol keeps hitting on David Geffen and nobody has the heart to tell her she'd have a better shot at a bowl of cranberry sauce.
  700. Kanye keeps bragging that his green bean casserole will "knock you on your ass."
  701. This whole fucking dinner is a goddamn waiting game on Axelrod and his motherfucking deep friend turkey. Any fucking time now.
  702. becks
    @MayorEmanuel Harrison's a doofus.
  703. @becks58 He certainly seems that way. I tried to talk to him about his work in "K-19: The Widowmaker," and he just said "fuck off."
  704. Terry Peppers
    @MayorEmanuel Axelrod is friends with his turkey? What the fuck kind of dinner are you having?!
  705. @club_is_open Who the fuck died and made you the motherfucking dictionary? Excuse a fucking typo once and a while, ass-clown.
  706. Fuck this. Me and Carol and Kanye are off to find a motherfucking taco truck.
  707. Carol Burnett's ordering tacos for the three of us--combo of Cabeza, Tripa, and Buche. She fucking calls it "The Hot Mess."
  708. Sitting on a curb with Kanye West, Carol Burnett, a pile of tacos and a bottle of Hennessy. Happy motherfucking Thanksgiving.
  709. Stayed out all night with Carol and Kanye, just walking the fuck around. Now we're hitting the stores. BLACK FUCKING FRIDAY!!!
  710. Holy fuck, Carol got the greatest deal on a back massager I have ever fucking seen in my life.
  711. And Kanye got like fucking 80% off an amazing fucking set of bathroom towels. Bed Bath & Beyond FTMFW.
  712. Got back to Ari's with my rental Yaris stuffed with half-price DVDs and Axelrod's standing there: "Your residency is challenged. " Fuck me.
  713. I'm going to watch two DVDs, eat a motherfucking In'n'Out, check out Kanye's dolphin tank, then get on a plane and fight this shit. FUCK.
  714. Jesus fucking Christ, dolphins are motherfucking graceful fucking animals.
  715. Strategy session: Just how fucked are the fucking fucks that are trying to fuck us? Very fucking fucked.
  716. Heading down to heckle Meeks at his church. He wants to fuck where I live, I'll fuck him right back.
  717. Alright, front row, asshole. Motherfucking God me, you stupid motherfucker.
  718. Tracey Harkins
    Someone should tell whoever does the @mayoremanuel tweets to write G-D for God, because that would be better. #JewishLifeYo
  719. @TraceyWithAnE Really? Fucking really? Fuck you and your g-ddamn motherfucking g-d.
  720. Half-hour until it's my motherfucking birthday. You fucking motherfuckers had better have gotten me something fucking nice.
  722. Carl the Intern gave me the biggest cup of coffee I've ever seen. It's motherfucking enormous! I'm crying like a baby here.
  723. Fuck yes: Axelrod brought over a stuffed bear holding a "happy birthday" balloon. I named him Peaches.
  724. Fax from Plouffe: "I got you just what you wanted: An election lawyer that would make Jesus piss his fucking robes."
  725. Axelrod keeps telling me there's a "secret birthday surprise" later. It's always motherfucking Chuck E Cheese.
  726. Peter Brown
    @MayorEmanuel hopefully this time its Dave & Busters.
  727. @litescript nah, Axelrod's banned from all the Dave & Busters east of the Rockies.
  728. Also, Axelrod got spinner rims for his Civic and is trying to pass them off as a present for fucking me. "But you'll look awesome."
  729. Leah Jones
    @MayorEmanuel spinner rims are legit hannuka presents and covers him for 4/8 days.
  730. @ChicagoLeah I call bullshit. Combined birthday / hannukah gifts are a fucking rip-off, except the year my parents got me a go-kart.
  731. Meeks, Chico, and Burris have each sent fake residency papers with the note "I got you what you really wanted." Real fucking funny.
  732. Braun just sent flowers though, because she's motherfucking classy.
  733. I'd expect that Davis will get the memo it's my birthday in about six weeks, and issue a statement in three more. Slow motherfucker.
  734. Holy fuck: Axelrod's surprise gift is a bar of Ex Lax and the key to the motherfucking city council chamber.
  735. Between the Ex Lax and these two boxes of Fiber One, I'm going to be able to craft the fucking Burnham Plan of shit.
  736. Birthday: (1) take a shit in the council chambers (2) pick up Penny Pritzker and Samurai Mike Singletary (3) taco pizza at Chuck E Cheese.
  737. Heading over to the city council chambers now. I've got to admit: Axelrod's rims do look motherfucking sweet.
  738. My ass is a brown fountain of motherfucking justice! Best birthday ever!!
  739. Took a while longer to finish up in the City Council than I thought. But I'll tell you this: That shit was a motherfucking masterpiece
  740. As a result, we were late picking up Penny and Samurai Mike. They've been drinking the whole time they were waiting. Fucking amazing.
  741. You haven't fucking lived until you've heard Penny Pritzker do her rendition of the "Samurai Mike" rap from the Super Bowl Shuffle.
  742. Mike Singletary is up on stage with that motherfucking Chuck E Cheese robot mouse. I think Axelrod may choke he's laughing so hard.
  743. This trip to Chuck E Cheese just confirms it: I am the motherfucking king of whack-a-mole!
  744. Driving Lake Shore Drive in Axelrod's Civic, rain coming in the missing window. Penny, Samurai Mike, and I just fucking freestyling. YES.
  745. The clock's tickin, I just count the hours / Stop trippin, I'm trippin off the power / Till then, fuck that--the world's OURS.
  746. Stumbling into bed. Wet, hoarse, happy. Fifty-one is going to be all fucking right.
  747. Post-birthday hangover means that I'm going to make Meeks see motherfucking god for this shit he's pulling with my tenant.
  748. If you are running for mayor of Chicago, do not fuck with me today. I will take this ice pack off my head and chop your fucking dick off
  749. Rob Lekan
    @MayorEmanuel so Braun is safe then?
  750. @Positiveinlife no, I'll chop her fucking dick off too.
  751. lake county democrat
    @MayorEmanuel Wouldn't the real Rahm Emanuel tweet "motherfucking G_d"? I'm starting to suspect that you aren't who you say you are!
  752. @lakecountydem who the fuck died and made you the motherfucking Talmud?
  753. Strategy session: We're going to contest everything up to and including the existence of the motherfucking City of Chicago.
  754. So 21 Chicagoans have filed objections to my candidacy. The other 2,853,093 think I'm fucking amazing. I can live with that.
  755. Fuck this motherfucking snow right in its motherfucking nimbostratus cloud formation.
  756. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  757. @lawstcause who died and made you Tom fucking Skilling?
  758. Axelrod's been standing outside, shovel in hand, for three hours now, like he's Nanook of the fucking North.
  759. I have so much fucking Hannukah shopping to finish. Fuck this motherfucking lunar calendar bullahit.
    @MayorEmanuel I would have thought you would be better at skeeball.
  761. @emaufmuth the fucking finger fucks me on Skeeball.
  762. All this "starting at sundown" shit would be a lot fucking easier if sundown wasn't in the middle of the goddamn afternoon.
  763. Jesus fucking Christ, it turns out that Carl the Intern used to hustle kids on the Dreidel back in Hebrew school.
  764. Thanks to him, we're up to our ears in fucking Hannukah gelt.
  765. Holy fucking motherfucking fuck, where the fucking fuck is the motherfucking coffee.
  766. Danny Davis would be a worthy motherfucking opponent if it was 1982.
  767. And Gery Chico would be a threat if we were running for president of the fucking PTA.
  768. And Braun would have a lock if we were competing for placement on a motherfucking Trivial Pursuit card.
  769. New slogan: "It's 2010, this is for mayor, and Trivial Pursuit is for fucking pussies. Vote Emanuel."
  770. Keep me locked in this room with David Hoffman much longer and I'm going to turn into a fucking arsenic-eating lifeform too.
  771. Seriously, there is a reason this guy lost to dumb-fucking Alexi. And that reason is he is a motherfucking painfully boring motherfucker.
  772. Seriously I just look at that motherfucker and I get sleepy. They should stand him outside mattress stores. Make a fucking fortune.
  773. Sure, he's a fucking stand-up guy, and I'm fucking glad he's on ou... zzzzzzzzzzzzz
  774. Jesus fucking Christ, I almost burnt the motherfucking house down lighting that second candle.
  775. Chris Fidis
    @MayorEmanuel - Never use the lords name in vein!!! Before spewing out the words you just spoke on your tweet would you say this in church?
  776. @ChrisFidis not my lord, asshole.
  777. Chris Fidis
    @MayorEmanuel For you to respond as such you exhibit NO CLASS! You should be ashamed to represent chicago constituents. #CBS #ABC #NBC #CNN
  778. @ChrisFidis uh, you realize that you're talking to a fake account, right? Move along, dumbass.
  779. Motherfuck! The! Sleep! Of! Hoffman! Is! The! Greatest! Sleep! Of! All! Motherfucking! Time! Hoff! Me! Again! Motherfucker!
  780. You know what's just fucking adorable? That Ed Burke still thinks he fucking matters.
  781. Axelrod just ripped the bumper off his Civic trying to attach a fucking plow to it. "Just trying to be prepared."
  782. What are you waiting for? Motherfuck every fucking thing, it's Friday fucking night! No snow yet, you assholes get out there!
  783. Fuck this snow. Fuck this snow. Fuck this motherfucking snow.
  784. I'm out here fucking shoveling this shit myself because Axelrod has been fucking catatonic since he heard motherfucking Ron Santo died.
  785. John
    @MayorEmanuel Yeah, but if you're Mayor you better keep snow off the streets-- or get fired like Mayor Byrne
  786. @Jankowski60 hey dumbshit, it was Bilandic not motherfucking Byrne. Get your shit straight, asshole.
  787. Worst fucking part is that I'm out here in fucking wingtips because my motherfucking boots are in the attic of my fucking rented house.
  788. My feet are so fucking numb that I'm considering setting them on fucking fire.
  789. Also, Carl the Intern won't make me a hot cocoa because he's sitting shiva with Axelrod over Santo. Fuck me.
  790. Axelrod's outside with a chainsaw carving a motherfucking Ron Santo ice sculpture right now.
  791. Dug out Axelrod's Civic to go buy some boots. Put fucking five lawn chairs and an old ironing board in the spot.
  792. We drove by Chico's house and I pissed "Fuck you you fucking motherfucker" in the snow.
  793. Motherfucking coffee fucking commence!
  794. Standing in front of City Hall, giving the fucking double birds to all these dumb fucks walking into the Board of Election office.
  795. Elizabeth Edwards was fucking classy--too bad her husband was such a fucking douche-cock. And also about the cancer.
  796. Holy fuck, it's motherfucking cold as motherfucking shit outside.
  797. So my tenant isn't running for mayor after all. What a fucking motherfucking shock.
  798. It warms my asshole to see dumb motherfuckers get kicked off the ballot.
  799. H
    @MayorEmanuel did you dibs your shoveled out parking space this weekend
  800. @pigeonspotting it's not my fucking job to catch you up on tweets you didn't fucking read.
  801. I would rather hang out with Elizabeth Edwards' corpse than have to go to one of these motherfucking "mayoral forums"
  802. Too motherfucking soon?
  803. But really, these fucking candidate forums looking absolutely motherfucking awful.
  804. I would rather stick my dick to a frozen fucking flagpole than answer another motherfucking residency question.
  805. Axelrod has replaced all his Santo candles with Elizabeth candles. Rough fucking week for that guy.
  806. Stephen Marino
    @MayorEmanuel Tell Axelrod to shave that 'stache. 1978 is long over, and he looks like a pedophile.
  807. @marinos fuck you. Lose the mustache and you lose the man.
  808. Axelrod's taking his heartbreak out in ice sculpture: joining Santo is Elizabeth Edwards, a unicorn, and a fucking sweet T-Rex.
  809. Also, he's got a fucking knitted mustache pouch to keep his 'stache warm.
  810. Spending the last night of Hannukah with David Hoffman. It might be Yom fucking Kippur by the time he gets all eight candles lit.
  811. Jesus fucking Christ, I'm really hoping this liquor I've got can last for eight fucking days, because I may be trapped here that long.
  812. At this point, I'm holding my hand above the menorah, just to feel something.
  813. Hoffman finally got the final candle lit. That guy sure does know a lot about the motherfucking Maccabees. Fuck me.
  814. Strategy session for residency hearing: Axelrod says no to pulling my cock out and asking, "You want this shit Chicago style?"
  815. Mario M.
    @MayorEmanuel You mean boiled, with all the workings on it, and never any ketchup?
  816. @caribbeanscot the fucking fuck is "workings"?
  817. He also says no to pulling down my pants, spreading my cheeks and saying "Eat my motherfucking deep dish."
  818. Fuck you, you motherfucking Senatorial fuck-asses.
  819. Getting ready for the residency hearing tomorrow by drinking every motherfucking thing in the kitchen. Up next: Baileys and dish soap.
  820. Motherfucking pro tip: soy sauce and fucking cognac. Motherfucking amazing.
  821. Axelrod is doing yogurt and beer shooters.
  822. Holy fucking fuck, I need some motherfucking coffee poured directly into my fucking mouth right this motherfucking second.
  823. Fucking annoying hearing today that leads to even more motherfucking annoying hearings next week. Democracy is a bitch.
  824. Fax from Plouffe : "We need to work on your likeability before your testimony." Faxed him back a picture of my asshole.
  825. Hermann Mazard
    @MayorEmanuel Surprisingly, the shear fucking chaos of democracy affords leaders more control than in a goddamn dictatorship. #gofigure
  826. @HermannM spoken like someone who hasn't lived within 10,000 motherfucking miles of an actual fucking dictatorship.
  827. I don't give a thousand fucking fucks; it is motherfucking finally Friday night.
  828. Axelrod and I are filling the house with donuts and seeing if we can eat our motherfucking way out.
  829. Motherfuck this motherfucking rain.
  830. KatieEukel
    @mayoremanuel Wait. Rain? I can't leave my house in Minneapolis because of an EPIC BLIZZARD. You can shut your mouth now.
  831. @KTAndrea you're the dumb motherfucker that lives in Minneapolis.
  832. Axelrod was waking us up every hour last night as part of his "readiness patrol" and not a single fucking flake hit the goddamn ground.
  833. I'm so tired I think I'm going to vomit, and now it's motherfucking snowing like a motherfuck.
    Channeling @MayorEmanuel - it's gonna take a lot of motherfucking coffee to get me through this day.
  835. @jollyevil speaking the fucking motherfucking truth right there. I've already had 14 cups.
  836. Carl the Intern scheduled a fucking presser about education in the middle of a goddamn snow storm and the motherfucking Bears game.
  837. Pretty sure it's payback for making Carl follow Chico around this week pretending to record him, just to fucking fuck with his head.
  838. fuck this motherfucking football game. fuck it right in its snowy motherfucking ass.
  839. Motherfucking fucking fuck fuckers. What the fucking fuck game is fucking Cutler fucking playing?
  840. I'm going to go outside and have Axelrod whip iceballs at my cock. Has to be more fun than this motherfucking football game.
  841. Motherfucking Cutler is a motherfucking cocktard.
  842. I am not telling
    @cholmes96 I don't know, let's check. Hey @MayorEmanuel What the Fuck? Plow my street already!!!!!
  843. @ashamedtosay @cholmes96 not my fucking job yet, assholes.
  844. @ashamedtosay @cholmes96 Have you looked at the city budget? At the state of the schools or the cops? Your fucking side street isn't shit.
  845. Who the fuck replaced Chicago with the motherfucking ice planet Hoth?
  846. I know it might not send the right message, but we're taking the Imperial Walker to get to the residency hearing. Fuck the Taun-Tauns.
  847. Axelrod just got in from gassing up the Walker and his mustache looks like it was part of the Shackleton expedition. Icicles.
  848. Carl the Intern is cramming for tomorrow's testimony with me while Axelrod is out on a pizza run. Going to be a late motherfucking night.
  849. Did you know there are 77 communities in Chicago? Motherfucking take THAT, Board of Election Commissioners!
  850. Chicago derives its name from the motherfucking Miami-Illinois tribal word for "wild onion." Fuck yes: shikaakwa.
  851. Motherfucking flag's four stars: Fort Dearborn, the Great Fire, the World's Columbian Exposition, and the Century of fucking Progress.
  852. Fuck studying for this motherfucking testimony. Axelrod's back with pizza and beer. Your honor, it's time to fucking drink.
  853. the real liz rudolph
    @MayorEmanuel i've heard it was a corruption of "chekagau" or "land of the big stink".
  854. @subliculous Carl says you heard fucking wrong.
    @MayorEmanuel Why aren't you following anyone. Too proud or too democratic?
  856. @kwithk really, why would I want to follow any of you stupid motherfuckers
  857. Motherfucking six fucking degrees? Fuck this motherfucking bullshit.
  858. DJAH
    @MayorEmanuel What are you going to do about paying taxes for online purchases?
  859. @DJAHa I think you need to look into what a motherfucking mayor actually does.
  860. I went out to grab the paper and now my motherfucking balls are frozen to my motherfucking leg.
  861. Axelrod's outside with a hair dryer trying to unfreeze the fucking fuel line on his Civic. He promises we'll be at City Hall by nine.
  862. And the Civic won't fucking start. Axelrod, Carl, and I are riding the motherfucking bus. Fucking perfect.
  863. Frozen balls, riding the bus, and giving fucking testimony to 25 motherfucking assholes. A+ motherfucking day.
  864. Someone keep count on how many times I "itch" my eye with my middle finger during testimony today. I bet 352 fucking times.
  865. In the bathroom at City Hall trying to dethaw my ballsack at the hand dryer and Dock fucking Walls walks in. Fuck this day.
  866. Well here goes motherfucking nothing.
  867. I swear to god, if Axelrod shows up at lunch break with fucking Subway, I'm going to completely lose my motherfucking shit.
  868. These questions are awesome. I'll take "Fuck You In The Motherfucking Armpit" for $500, please.
  869. I am going to drink more alcohol than you can ever possibly imagine when this motherfucking godforsaken shitstorm of a day is over.
  870. Five hours of this testimony and I've come to one conclusion: People are motherfucking assholes.
  871. To each one of you motherfuckers asking me questions: in three months I'll be mayor and you'll still just be some dumb motherfucker.
  872. Some dumb motherfucker... that I hate. Hope you enjoy today.
  873. Well that's over. Motherfucking fucking motherfuck.
  874. Off to eat a steak the size of my head, then go home and punch a fucking mirror until my knuckles are motherfucking pulp.
  875. Holy motherfucking mother of god, I need to swim in a goddamn fucking ocean of motherfucking coffee right fucking now.
  876. Dave McClure
    Dear @MayorEmanuel: i fucking <3 u so fucking much it fucking hurts. Go Mayor!
  877. @davemcclure pull your motherfucking face out of my ass.
  878. Carl the Intern makes this breakfast that's a pancake wrapped around a hard-boiled egg with a sausage stuck through it. Fucking incredible.
  879. J. Day
    I wonder if the only reason @MayorEmanuel didn't stab someone during his hearing was bc @tsagov conducted an enhanced pat down on him.
  880. @TilDthDoUsApl No, I didn't stab someone because I'm a motherfucking professional.
  881. Sent Carl the Intern over to City Hall. Operation "Clog Every Motherfucking Toilet in the Fucking Place" is underway.
  882. All water flows downhill. Those motherfuckers in the basement hearing room will be swimming in shit by 1pm. Motherfucking payback.
  883. Axelrod's watching video of my hearing and listening to the Tron soundtrack. Looked at me in tears: "Life's easier in The Grid."
  884. The Atlantic Wire
    Is Rahm Emanuel even eligible to run in Chicago? https://theatln.tc/emv0le (paging @MayorEmanuel...)
  885. @TheAtlanticWire welcome to yesterday. Try to keep the fuck up.
  886. Dave McClure
    @MayorEmanuel kisses, bitch :) #imafanboi
  887. @davemcclure it's just really hard to sit with your fucking lips on my sphincter.
  888. I don't even know how this is fucking possible, but somehow Carl the Intern is stuck in the sewer pipes below City Hall. Fuck.
  889. Fuck, now Axelrod is fucking stuck under City Hall too.
  890. Fucking goddamn motherfuck. I'm fucking stuck down here too. All three of us, in the fucking sewers below City Hall.
  891. Jim Doolittle
    @MayorEmanuel I’m impressed you have data service down there! Who’s your provider?
  892. @cornwuff motherfucking Verizon.
  893. Someone make a note to remind me that when I'm mayor, first order of business is to fix the fucking City Hall sewer access door latch.
  894. Downside: looks like we'll be down here for a while. Upside: Axelrod's got like 30 fucking Slim Jims in his fanny pack.
  895. Peter Brown
    @MayorEmanuel the intern lacked the foresight to bring a flask? he'll never make it.
  896. @litescript the fucking fuck would Carl have a flask for, when he filled mine this morning?
  897. Emptied our pockets: 25 Slim Jims, four packs of Nutra Sweet, three pens, and a fucking pocket guide to Midwestern water fowl. So we're good
    @MayorEmanuel nice seeing you at the matchbox last night!
  899. @ellengladish you know, I don't remember a single fucking thing about last night. Blackout.
  900. It's actually kind of beautiful down here. Quiet, except for the sound of water flowing. You forget where you are--until someone flushes
    @MayorEmanuel How the fuck are you getting signal down there? It sure isn't #AT&T, they suck all over the city.
  902. @kwithk Verizon. Can you motherfucking hear me now?
  903. Forced open a door and discovered Jane Byrne's secret fucking office. A desk, a wet box of smokes, and a stack of Playgirls from 1981.
  904. Ate the last Slim Jim. Fucking fuck motherfuck.
  905. The plan: We're going to ride Jane Byrne's sex dungeon door down this river of shit and on to motherfucking freedom.
  906. Freedom! We're floating down the middle of Lake Calumet. There's snow in the air and the stench of shit on our clothes. Magical.
  907. Ben Bradley
    @MayorEmanuel: at your res. hearing & reading of your fight for freedom from city hall sewer system. Which do u think would make better TV?
  908. @benbradley7 How the fuck should I know? You're the stupid motherfucker on TV.
  909. Holy fuck: I've just woken up with a motherfucking raging case of pink eye. I want to claw my eyeballs out of my fucking head.
  910. Axelrod too: he's sitting in the kitchen with a bag of frozen peas on his motherfucking eyes, moaning.
  911. Turns out Axelrod's mostly moaning about having to wait 16 hours until the midnight opening of motherfucking Tron.
  912. That also explains why he's wearing a light-up suit.
  913. Jason Diamond
    @MayorEmanuel I think I'm gonna make the pancake breakfast that Carl the Intern makes.
  914. @imjasondiamond it is motherfucking incredible.
  915. Oni Joseph Poetician
    @MayorEmanuel no swearing? :(
  916. @OniJoseph a motherfucking light up fucking suit. Does that fucking work for you, you dumb motherfucker?
  917. Jesus fucking Christ, Carl the Intern just walked in. His eyes look like they're having their fucking period.
  918. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  919. @a_claire I'm just going to take a wild fucking guess here and say those last two tweets are going to bite you in the ass come job-search.
  920. Axelrod just showed me the Tron trailer. Holy fucking fuck, grown fucking adults watch that bullshit?
  921. If Axelrod doesn't stop talking about Tron soon, I'm going to download his fucking ass into a computer for the next 25 years.
  922. You know the best thing about James Meeks? That he fucking opens his mouth. And fucking crazy shit just rolls on out.
    @MayorEmanuel Why aren't you joining us tonight at the CTU Mayoral Forum? We'd love to have you-- 2260 S. Grove St. Chicago 6:00 PM 12/16
  924. @KenzoShibata just trust me when I tell you that you're looking for the other motherfucker.
  925. jewcymagazine
    You're the big winner today @mayoremanuel https://su.pr/APYu0W
  926. @jewcymag wow, a mention in a list. On the internet. In-fucking-credible. Really.
  927. Carl brought Peppermint Mochas and Axelrod drank his, but he's lactose intolerant. Now there's puke down the front of his blinky Tron suit.
  928. Axelrod just threw his light-up Tron Frisbee through the front window. Fuck.
  929. Standing in this line for Tron with Axelrod and Carl the Intern. These fucking light-up body suits are both demeaning and fucking cold.
  930. Meeks just rolled up to the theater in like a fucking for-real lightcycle. His red suit looks amazing too. Fucking motherfuck.
  931. Carol Moseley Braun just pulled up with full-sized Master Control head fucking glowing on the back of a pickup. We look like fucking chumps.
  932. Gery Chico's just dressed like Gery Chico, but that's because he's seeing "Love and Other Drugs." Again.
    @MayorEmanuel We missed you at the @CTULocal1 Mayoral Forum tonight.
  934. @KenzoShibata Holy fuck, I missed that shit not at all. Hope you had fun hanging out with the fucking losers that showed.
  935. Daniel X. O'Neil
    Whoa wait a minute @MayorEmanuel: you've got an entire NYTimes newspaper box in your crawlspace? https://bit.ly/dW7iBh. You're a badass.
  936. @juggernautco no, what's badass is that they fucking deliver to it. Motherfucking daily.
  937. Motherfucking coffee. Sweet motherfucking relief.
  938. New slogan: "Don't fuck with a guy with a huge fucking crawlspace. Emanuel '11"
  939. Riding in the Civic to hook back up with Ernie Banks. Tonight we're going to fuck this town until it can't walk straight.
  940. Fuck this motherfucking week, it's motherfucking over. Friday night, bitches.
  941. Chris Geidner
    @MayorEmanuel Not for those in DC dealing with all you couldn't get done before you left. #NewSTART #DADT #DREAMAct
  942. @chrisgeidner Not my fucking fault. They couldn't get it done because they're a chamber of motherfucking cocktards.
  943. Ernie Banks' plan: grab his bat, pick up a case of Old Style, and hit the empties through Halpin's front window. Mr. Motherfucking Cub.
  944. You haven't lived until you've driven around with Ernie Banks hanging out your window yelling, "You just got fucked by Mr. Cub!"
  945. Ernie Banks is standing in the middle of Ashland, taking swings at cars as they drive by. Seriously considering fucking leaving him here.
  946. OK, he's standing on the roof of a cop car, trying to knock the lights off it, yelling "sunshine fucking baseball!" We're out.
  947. Motherfucking fuck this Saturday morning meeting in its motherfucking nostril.
  948. Plouffe faxed in a suggestion that we "extend an olive branch" to the other candidates. The only thing I'll extend is my motherfucking cock.
    @MayorEmanuel Hey - Plouffe/cock tweet was actually sorta funny - you are improving!
  950. @AllieRaymond the unfollow button is right over there, you stupid fucking shitbag.
  951. gary
    there is "one" person you might consider following, @MayorEmanuel and that's @BarackObama ;)
  952. @e_y_w the fucking fuck would the point of that be? That shit is written by a fucking part-time communications staffer.
  953. I'm still stunned about the Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal. Figured the Senate was going to stuff it up its ass like they do everything else.
  954. That said, Carl the Intern is fucking thrilled. But he still has to wait two more years before he can enlist.
  955. Christmas next weekend means fucking meetings all motherfucking day today. Fuck you, Jesus.
  956. I would rather be nailed to a motherfucking cross than sit through another five minutes of this fucking marketing presentation.
  957. Working on writing my last residency briefs for tomorrow. End with just "Fuck You," or "Fuck you, you fucking fucks"?
  958. Fuck this--going to bed. Just signed the papers: "Suck it out of my asshole. Yours, Rahm"
  959. Bernhard Kappe
    @MayorEmanuel, is doing personal holiday greetings for Chicagoans part of your strategy for winning? Willing to contribute quid pro quo.
  960. @bernhardkappe I'm not your dancing fucking monkey.
  961. Axelrod's Civic had its stereo stolen over the summer. Now the radio he lugs around is stuck on the fucking Christmas songs station. Fuck.
  962. Turned in the last paperwork: Seventeen xeroxes of my cock and three of my asshole. Plus my signature. Done. With. This. Shit.
  963. Samantha
    So @mayoremanuel, I'm wondering how you got that NYT vending machine for your crawl space. Because that's awesome: https://trunc.it/diwue
  964. @SamAbernethy no, what's awesome is that they fucking deliver to it. Daily.
  965. New office. Carl wired the fucking phones wrong, so the calls are for the curry place down the block. Axelrod's tandoori is amazing. Phew.
  966. Axelrod's been driving around delivering curry all day, so Carl and I have spent the day playing a fucking wicked game of foosball.
  967. Chuck Goudie
    In Rahm's run for Chicago mayor, #Twitter is peppered with some salacious sites: @MayorEmanuel, @MayorRahm. Column: https://bit.ly/eUO3BK
  968. @ChuckGoudie Holy fuck, someone paid you to write that bullshit?
  969. Axelrod just called from "the weathercenter" (what the fucking fuck) to tell us that it's snowing. He pulled over to put snow tires on.
  970. Peter Brown
    @MayorEmanuel axelrod has a tire-mounting machine with him at all times? duly impressed.
  971. @litescript the man does not fucking fuck around.
  972. I'm all for motherfucking winter safety, but Axelrod had better get here with the Chicken Tikka we ordered before kickoff.
  973. Motherfucking Chicago fucking Bears fucking football. Fuck yes.
  974. Hey Farve, welcome to motherfucking Chicago.
  975. Halftime and Axelrod's not back with our Chicken Tikka. Still has 15 deliveries to go. All Carl knows how to make are Hot Pockets. Fuck.
  976. Sean Cooper
    @MayorEmanuel They're playing in MN.
  977. @Saney Wow, who died and made you John fucking Madden?
  978. Axelrod just called. The Civic spun out on Elston. With our fucking chicken. Fucking motherfuck these fucking football snacks.
  979. Axelrod got the Civic unstuck. Bring that motherfucking chicken home.
  980. Post-season, you glorious motherfucking motherfuckers.
  981. Axelrod just showed up. 39 seconds to enjoy this fucking chicken.
  982. Going to pound a beer and txt Favre a picture of my dick. Bears fuck yes.
  983. Holy Jesus fucking Christ, I just threw my back out shoveling that 800 pound snow. Fuck fucking motherfuckers.
  984. Josh Davison
    @MayorEmanuel but you live in a condo
  985. @stringbot I'm trying to be motherfucking neighborly. Serves me fucking right.
  986. Rhonda Robinett
    haha- Chuck Goudie reports today @MayorEmanuel is"likely an impostor, representing itself as genuine" DUH. There's hard hitting journalism
  987. @rhondarobinett Goudie is an impressively stupid motherfucker.
  988. Holy fucking fuck, I took way too many muscle relaxers for my back. I feel like fucking Gumby.
  989. Spent the entire day flat on my back tripping on muscle relaxers and not giving a fuck about any fucking thing. It's been fucking glorious.
  990. megan 'may' jeyifo
    Just read the last month of @MayorEmanuel's tweets aloud to The Mister. I can't stop laughing.
  991. @urbancasita Jesus fucking Christ, whatever happened to foreplay?
  992. Hey Chico--bend the fuck over, you fucking shitbag. Welcome to the campaign.
  993. Seriously, who the fuck releases their tax returns when they know they're filled with lobbying cash? You dumb fucking fuck.
  994. Carl's stepmom just gave all of us tickets to the Nutcracker Ballet tonight. First off: What the fuck. Second off: Should be me on stage.
  995. Busy day driving Axelrod's Civic by other candidate's offices, pelting them with snowballs and yelling "43 points, bitches!"
  996. I'm going to be spending the next two hours figuring out what to wear to the ballet. Nothing is goddamn good enough for those people.
  997. Seriously, you try and try and try, and the Joffrey motherfucking Ballet just fucking judges you anyway.
  998. Axelrod just showed up dressed in a fucking tuxedo t-shirt. "Let's get this fun over with."
  999. I went with the straight black tux, tie, and shirt. Black Swan, motherfuckers. Let's do this fucking ballet.
  1000. Five minutes in, Axelrod's already fucking snoring.
  1001. Who the fuck is playing Drosselmeyer? He needs to hang up the motherfucking tights. Amateur fucking hour.
  1002. Seriously, Clara may as well just pull down her tutu and take a shit on the stage. Would be more elegant than her dancing.
  1003. It's plié, degagé, motherfucking balancé, you fucking cows.
  1004. I would rather rim James Meeks' asshole than have to endure another minute watching the Mouse King waddle around.
  1005. You call that a motherfucking sugar plum fairy?
    @MayorEmanuel Ballet = expensive nap
  1007. @mcmamasita fuck you, you stupid motherfucker. Ballet = life.
  1008. Back when I danced, the Joffrey Ballet meant something. Now it apparently means fat fucking fucks floundering around a stage.
  1009. Now I know why they call it the Nutcracker-I feel like my nuts have been fucking cracked in goddamn half. Wake up Axelrod, this shit is over
  1010. ELIGIBLE. Choke on that, you motherfucking bitches.
  1011. Been drinking Irish Coffees since two in the morning celebrating this residency shit. Fuck all the motherfucking haters.
  1012. All you motherfuckers can stick your motherfucking objections up your ass. RESIDENT, bitch.
  1013. Those stupid fucking objectors had to submit their home addresses. Think they'll be getting a visit from the ghost of christmas yet to come.
  1014. Fuck yes two times, bitches.
  1015. It's no Christmas fucking miracle, it's a Christmas fucking fact. As real as the motherfucking virgin birth. Believe!
  1016. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1017. @gofiliberto No kidding, huh? Who the fuck died and made you the Talmud?
  1018. I feel like a new man. Sent a street boy to fetch the prize turkey. "What, the one as big as me?" No, dumbfuck, the tiny one.
  1019. Filiberto Gonzalez
    @MayorEmanuel This is too easy. If you're older than 22, I feel sorry for you. -Shalom
  1020. @gofiliberto At some point, you'll stop and say, "Holy fuck, I'm the fucking guy arguing religion with a fake Twitter account."
  1021. The Atlantic Wire
    Rahm Emanuel Clears Big Ballot Hurdle: https://theatln.tc/fYQuQz cc @MayorEmanuel
  1022. @TheAtlanticWire it was a low fucking hurdle
  1023. Major upside of this residency bullshit being over: I can stop being folksy at your motherfucking El stops.
  1024. Hey Meeks, too bad your ass got sacked.
  1025. Axelrod and I had a great James Meeks drinking game. Take a shot when he said stupid shit. Could fuck you up in seconds.
  1026. Without Meeks, this race got even fucking boringer. I'm going to be fucking catatonic by motherfucking February.
  1027. Last few hours to be like Meeks and get the fuck out of this race. Stay in and I will make the next two months of your life a living hell.
  1028. Plouffe has us out here freezing our fucking asses off bell ringing on State Street. We have a bet going to see who raises the most.
  1029. Right now, Axelrod, Carl the Intern and I are getting fucking creamed by the motherfucking bucket drummer kids. Fuck this shit.
  1030. Axelrod ducked into the bathroom and came out dressed as one of those silver robot guys. He's going to raise a fucking fortune.
  1031. Axelrod must have 100 fucking people crowded around him. I need to step it up here. Sending Carl the Intern to the Christmas tree lot.
  1032. Dan Lopez
    What do you want for Christmas @MayorEmanuel?
  1033. @4danlopez fifty-one motherfucking percent.
  1034. Evan Case
    .@MayorEmanuel ONLY fifty-one motherfucking percent? Aiming low?
  1035. @etc_etera I'm just being fucking generous. It's fucking Christmas.
  1036. Carl's back from the tree lot. He bought the shittiest tree ever. Hung one ornament and it bent. What a fucking blockhead.
  1037. John
    @MayorEmanuel Rahmbo... I thought you are a Jew?
  1038. @Jankowski60 pretty sure a guy can ring a fucking bell on goddamn Christmas Eve and not find his foreskin magically reattached.
  1039. Goddamn it, that's it: I'm paying the fucking bucket-drummer kids $500 an hour to drum for me. Fuck you, Robot Axelrod.
  1040. Final haul from bell ringing: Carl brought in $22. 73; Robot Axelrod, $271.58; my drummer boys, $321.93. They cost $2k. Fucking Christmas.
  1041. Merry motherfucking Christmas, you stupid fucking fucks.
  1042. The only thing open in this fucking city is a motherfucking CVS. Axelrod, Carl the Intern and I have been wandering the aisles for hours.
  1043. I'm trying to convince Axelrod that we should buy a bottle of Nair and just fucking obliterate his mustache.
  1044. We've loaded up our cart with every fucking "As Seen on TV" piece of shit they have here. Snuggies for motherfucking everyone.
  1045. John
    @MayorEmanuel Don't forget the nacho flavored Doritos!
  1046. @Jankowski60 Fuck that. Went with the Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger flavor. Fucking incredible.
  1047. Bought every bottle of lube in the store and are going to coat Davis's office sidewalk with them. Slip and slide, motherfucker.
  1048. After that, we're going to head home, do Benadryl shots and play motherfucking Uno. Christmas fucking sucks.
  1049. Motherfucking Benadryl hangover. Fuck.
  1050. Motherfuck this snow right in its motherfucking lake effect ass.
  1051. Axelrod is a motherfucking parking-space shoveling artist. They should hang his fucking shovel in the Art Institute.
  1052. He's marked his space with 14 lawn chairs, an ironing board, and a pyramid of milk crates. He'll fucking shank someone if they move them.
    @MayorEmanuel Did you enjoy your Christmas, Mr. Mayor? Did you get anything good?
  1054. @maureenjohnson I'm fucking Jewish, you stupid fucking fuck.
    @MayorEmanuel My apologies, sir. I thought people might give you things anyway, as people are idiots.
  1056. @maureenjohnson they know fucking better.
    @MayorEmanuel Indeed they should, sir. Thank you for your time, Mr. Mayor. I hope no one fucking bothers you for the rest of the day.
  1058. @maureenjohnson that's not fucking likely.
  1059. Carl the Intern's stepmother just stopped by to drop off an extra pair of snowpants for him. She parked in Axelrod's space. Fuck.
  1060. Axelrod just pulled up, jumped out of his car and keyed "FUCK YOU IN THE ASS" into the hood of her Escalade. Shit.
  1061. Dan Lopez
    @MayorEmanuel A REAL chicagoan would have placed a chair in that space. Hmmm...
  1062. @4danlopez it's not my fucking job to catch you up on shit you didn't read.
  1063. Hey, New York, you just got fucked by the motherfucking Chicago fucking Bears.
  1064. Holy fucking fuck, someone get me a fucking cup of fucking coffee right fucking now.
  1065. Off to the Millenium Park ice rink. I'm going to show some motherfuckers what the motherfucking Russian Splits are all about.
  1066. This motherfucking cold weather makes me realize that Axelrod really need to up his fucking knowledge of hot liquor drinks.
  1067. Spent most of the night last night dumping buckets of water on Gery Chico's car. It's a motherfucking ice cube now.
  1068. This time between Christmas and New Years' may as well be renamed "Who Really Gives a Fuck Week."
  1069. Whoever is advising Davis is doing a motherfucking incredible job. Keep up the fucking fantastic work.
  1070. Jesus fucking Christ, there is not enough motherfucking coffee in the whole fucking world this morning.
  1071. We're bringing every motherfucking distant fucking relative of Bill Clinton to town, just to make Davis's head explode.
  1072. If your last name even rhymes with Clinton, you're getting a call from Carl the Intern and a ticket to Chicago on the fucking Greyhound.
  1073. We've got a guy named Phil Clinton and another guy named Bill Kimpton on the motherfucking Megabus as we speak.
  1074. Braun, if you want to get in on this bullshit too, know that we've got Hilary Rodman-Klinkton on motherfucking speed dial.
  1075. The Real Me
    @MayorEmanuel Don't flame me. On vacation; behind on real news. What is the Clinton/Davis connection?
  1076. @BujeBaby Clearly you have access to this amazing fucking thing called the Internet, right? Try fucking using it.
  1077. Holy fuck! It's actually above motherfucking freezing outside right now. Axelrod's in his fucking Speedo.
  1078. Motherfucking melt this fucking snow, you motherfucking southernly breeze.
  1079. If it gets above 40 tomorrow I'm putting on a fireproof suit, jumping in a spaceship, and flying up to fuck the glorious sun.
  1080. Sharna Marcus
    @MayorEmanuel It's in the 70s in Israel. :)
  1081. @scarpetablog and that helps me fucking how exactly?
  1082. john sundman
    @georgevhulme As @mayoremanuel would say, you better know my motherfucking name! I goddamn built this fucking city on rock and roll.
  1083. @jsundmanus I guarantee you that I would never motherfucking say that.
  1084. Fuck these Angry Birds right in their motherfucking feathered fucking vents.
  1085. Peter Brown
    @MayorEmanuel get the intern to round up a bunch of pigeons. Then play real-life angry birds/angry people.
  1086. @litescript what a stupid fucking idea.
  1087. Seriously, Carl the Intern left his iPod Touch here and I've been up most of the fucking night playing it. It is motherfucking maddening.
  1088. They give you these motherfucking exploding fucking birds, but then they surround the goddamn pigs with fucking stone blocks? Fuck!
  1089. These motherfucking egg dropping birds are fucking driving me fucking crazy. How the fucking fuck am I supposed to control this shit?
  1090. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this motherfucking green pig fortress bullshit.
  1091. These fucking boomerang birds might as well be flying up my own motherfucking asshole for all the fucking help they are.
  1092. Thomas C. Bowen
    @MayorEmanuel if you think the egg dropping birds suck, wait till you get the boomerang pelicans.
  1093. @thomascbowen Oh, I'm motherfucking right fucking there right fucking now. Fuck these fucking things.
  1094. KosherHam.com
    @mayoremanuel are you playing #angrybirds again?
  1095. @KosherHam Again? I've been fucking playing since 10:38 last night.
  1096. KosherHam.com
    @mayoremanuel we think you should be sportin this fuckin chicago fuckin flag tee-- https://ow.ly/3whLw
  1097. @KosherHam fuck you and your stupid fucking novelty T-shirt.
  1098. These giant bowling ball red birds would be motherfucking amazing if this whole game wasn't fucking me in the ass right now.
  1099. How many fucking levels are in this motherfucking game? Eight-fucking-thousand? Fuck.
  1100. I've been awake since 7:45 yesterday morning, and have been playing Angry Birds for the last 19 hours. I fucking hate everything.
  1101. All I want right now is a motherfucking cheeseburger and to claw my goddamn eyes out. Instead I'm fucking flinging these fucking birds.
  1102. Axelrod just stormed into my room, stomped on the iPod, left and locked the door. He left a bucket behind--the fuck is that for?
  1103. Axelrod and Carl are sitting outside my door, saying "We're doing this because we love you." Fuck them. I NEED MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRDS.
  1104. Also, I really need them to come and empty my motherfucking bucket. Because that shit is fucking full to the top.
  1105. birds... birds... birds.... bird... fuck
  1106. Motherfucking sweet fucking coffee, there is nothing in the world better than you. Except maybe liquor. Or vaginas.
  1107. New Years Eve, I am going to bust you the fuck open.
  1108. Axelrod's walking around wearing these fucking huge 2011 novelty glasses and his Speedo. "I'm the Baby fucking New Year."
  1109. Carl the Intern's stepmom is out of town, so the party's at his house tonight you motherfuckers.
  1110. Penny Pritzker just called. Her chef is mixing up some homebrew Four Loko for the party tonight. Motherfucking double caffeine.
  1111. Ernie Banks keeps popping up on the Caller ID, but we're all trying to avoid him. Motherfucker can not hold his liquor.
  1112. Oh fuck: "Hey you stupid fucking asshole, guess who flew into town?" It's Ari. He's here.
  1113. Ari brought guests: Kanye West, three Victoria's Secret models he calls "the underpants twins," and Helen Mirren. Helen's already drunk.
  1114. Kanye brought his green bean casserole. Again. "I brought it because it's fucking delicious."
  1115. Carl's starting to get nervous about hosting the party. Doesn't help that Helen Mirren keeps trying to give him a backrub. "Jusht relacsh."
  1116. Samurai Mike Singletary just called to find out if it's OK if he brings a dessert instead of a side salad. Fuck.
  1117. Vince Vaughn just called to say he couldn't make it. Which is weird, because he wasn't invited, because he's a boring motherfucker.
  1118. Jeff Tweedy brought Pictionary. This party is going to get fucking insane. New Years motherfucking Eve.
  1119. Holy fucking fuck: Jane motherfucking Byrne just showed up. "This isn't a goddamn endorsement kid, I just need to party."
  1121. Danny Davis just showed up. "Fuck this mayoral shit, I'm here to party!" He's doing body shots off Helen Mirren. Fuck yes.
  1122. It turns out Danny Davis is fucking awesome. He and Tweedy are signing "Islands in the Stream" together on the Karaoke machine.
  1123. Also: Davis makes a fucking amazing drink called "the Leviathan." It's vodka, whiskey, strawberry yogurt, and peppermint schnapps.
  1124. Kanye and Nobel Laureate Dale Mortensen have been playing beer pong against the Underpants Twins for like two fucking hours.
  1125. Motherfuck: Ari just lit Carl's stepmom's underwear drawer on fire.
  1126. Helen Mirren's fired up the motherfucking grill on the balcony. "Whip out your meat and I'll grill that shit."
  1127. Penny just showed up with her homebrew Four Loko. Davis is downing the tropical fucking punch flavor. Watch the fuck out.
  1128. Happy New Year, you stupid motherfuckers. 2011 is my goddamn year. But I'll let you borrow it from time to time.
  1129. Holy fuck. Apparently 2011 is going to start with a hangover the size of the motherfucking Sears Tower.
  1130. Thank fucking god: Carl's got coffee going and Kanye's making eggs for everyone. "My bacon scrambler is fucking incredible."
  1131. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1132. @nic_fisher you should know only assholes call it that.
    “@MayorEmanuel: Holy fuck. Apparently 2011 is going to start with a hangover the size of the motherfucking Sears Tower.” WILLIS TOWER!!!!!!
  1134. @mdm219 You know who calls it that? Stupid motherfuckers and tourists. Which one are you?
  1135. Jesus fucking Christ: Nobody can get Danny Davis to leave. He's just fucking lying around on the couch watching cartoons.
  1136. Need. More. Motherfucking. Coffee.
  1137. We are swimming in motherfucking chicken wings over here. This fucking Bears game is fucking on.
  1138. Someone wake me up when they start playing fucking football.
  1139. This boring fucking game can suck on my motherfucking nuts.
  1140. Jimmy Greenfield
    This fake twitter account jumped the shark. RT @MayorEmanuel: This boring fucking game can suck on my motherfucking nuts.
  1141. @jcgreenx the unfollow button is right over there, asshat.
  1142. Axelrod just about choked to death on a chicken wing after that motherfucking Packers touchdown. Fuck.
  1143. Fuck the motherfucking Green Bay fucking Packers.
  1144. All-day meeting and someone ate all the motherfucking crullers? Fuck this shit.
  1145. Main point of discussion: how little of a fuck do we give about Braun? Axelrod says a cock's-length. I say a twat's-hair.
  1146. New slogan: "Because this list of candidates keeps getting shittier: Emanuel '11"
  1147. The best part of the next six weeks is going to be watching Carol Moseley Braun slowly fucking self-destruct.
  1148. Just for fucking fun, I'm going to release my tax returns dating all the way back to motherfucking Arby's.
  1149. MadelynV
    @MayorEmanuel Say it ain't so... who else will provide me with inappropriate political-entertainment tweets?
  1150. @madelynV the fucking fuck are you on about?
  1151. MadelynV
    @MayorEmanuel local Fox ticker said you'd quit - they have fixed...
  1152. @madelynV if you're fucking stupid enough to watch Fox News, then you get what you fucking deserve.
  1153. Carl the Intern's at the circuit court with three pounds of my shit in ziplock bags. He's tossing 'em if the verdict comes in wrong.
  1154. Driving in Axelrod's Civic. He had to pull over because "I'll Be There," came on. We'll be here for an hour while he cries.
  1156. You motherfuckers want to appeal this shit, go right the fuck ahead. We're on the motherfucking winning streak to beat.
  1157. We're taking this motherfucking winning streak to the motherfucking boats. Those fucking nickel slots won't know what fucking hit 'em.
  1158. Won $78.35 at the boats. Going to convert it all to quarters and cram each one up Burt Odelson's motherfucking urethra.
  1159. Mike Pries
    @MayorEmanuel So what will you do with the leftover dime? Help pay off one of Braun's four mortgages?
  1160. @sodboy13 the dime is his motherfucking tip.
  1161. I'm so excited to read Braun's tax returns tomorrow that I feel like a motherfucking kid on fucking Christmas goddamn Eve.
  1162. @kwithk depends if it's for business or personal use, dumbfuck.
    @MayorEmanuel why the fuck do you want to put ads on city busses and fucking taxis? Stop being a homo
  1164. @mdm219 have you looked at the completely fucked state of the fucking budget? We'll be putting ads on your asshole before its balanced.
  1165. Fucking goddamn motherfuck, I fucking need fucking coffee so motherfucking badly.
  1166. Staging dramatic readings of Carol Moseley Braun's tax returns. Carl's playing the part of "What the fuck were you thinking?"
  1167. Axelrod is in tears, he's laughing so fucking hard. "Do the part again where she made no money in 2009."
  1168. Been trying to think of something nice to say about Bill Daley: His bald head is fucking magnificent. Too bad about the rest of him.
  1169. Samantha
    Rahm Emanuel is shaking hands at the Quincy brown line stop. I'm sure @mayoremanuel is getting sick of that by now
  1170. @SamAbernethy do you fucking think?
  1171. Axelrod just made breakfast. "I call it the Bacon Palace." My heart's going to fucking stop.
  1172. Great. Now Bill Daley keeps calling. He wants me to help pack his motherfucking U-Haul. Fuck.
  1173. "Rahm, it's Bill. Since I've got your old job, and you're getting my brother's old job, I think you can help move these book boxes." Fuck.
  1174. Fourteen motherfucking voicemails like that. I'm tossing this fucking phone in the lake.
  1175. In Axelrod's Civic on the way over to Bill Daley's place to help him move. He'd better have motherfucking donuts.
  1176. Daley moved some couch cushions, then started taking fucking calls. "I've gotta get this. Can you move that cast-iron stove?"
  1177. Bill motherfucking Daley must have a thousand fucking book boxes. My fucking back is going to be so fucking fucked.
  1178. Guess who just had to "duck out on Presidential business," right as we were starting to move his fucking free weights.
  1179. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1180. @moghza he rented a fucking U-Haul, dumbshit.
  1181. Daley's fucking sea glass collection has to have each fucking piece individually fucking wrapped, first in tissue, then in bubble wrap.
  1182. Motherfuck. Bill just came in and had a shitfit because it was supposed to be two motherfucking layers of tissue. Rewrapping now.
  1183. Daley's got all his clothes packed in giant motherfucking steamer trunks, like he's setting sail on the motherfucking Titanic.
  1184. This motherfucking piano is not going to fit in the motherfucking truck.
  1185. We've had to repack this motherfucking truck twice. And the whole fucking time, Bill has been on his fucking phone.
  1186. He keeps giving me this "You know how it goes" shrug. And I keep giving him a "Fuck you, you fucking fuck" glare right back.
  1187. Fuck all this fucking shit. It's Friday motherfucking night. Let's fucking go.
  1188. Holy fucking fuck. I'm sitting in this goddamn massage chair all fucking day. Fuck you if you think I'm moving an inch.
  1189. Motherfuck these tea party fuckholes. For fucking real.
  1190. Samantha
    My favorite part of @thepapermachete was when @ourmaninchicago called @mayoremanuel a "Jewish George Clooney."
  1191. @SamAbernethy @ourmaninchicago the fucking fuck does that even fucking mean?
  1192. Scott Smith
    @MayorEmanuel @samabernethy C'mon jackhole: don't act like you didn't consider that for your Twitter bio.
  1193. @ourmaninchicago @samabernethy I see a resemblance, but he's nowhere near motherfucking pretty enough.
  1194. Axelrod plays a game called "bagel king" where you toss a bagel at his finger. If it lands on it, he eats it. He's eaten fucking eight.
  1195. Jesus fucking Christ. I have been locked in a walk-in meat cooler most of the motherfucking day. My cock is frozen fucking solid.
  1196. I'm not even going to dignify how it fucking happened, but fuck me if I'm ever helping Axelrod cook a roast again.
    “@MayorEmanuel: fuck me if I'm ever helping Axelrod cook a roast again.” Serves you right u should of had fried chicken with Jesse Jackson
  1198. @mdm219 The fuck are you talking about? That guy eats almost nothing but duck confit.
  1199. Jesus fucking Christ, waiting for this fucking coffee to brew might just motherfucking kill me.
  1200. Certainly Crains Chicago motherfucking Business has more to write about than fucking me. Don't the Groupon guys need their diapers changed?
  1201. The best part about the new "People's Poll" that's out is that 98% of the "people" are just Carl the Intern fucking around.
  1202. Fucking Christ, Axelrod found a puppy underneath the L tracks today. He named him "Hambone" and has been talking in fucking baby talk since.
  1203. This entire afternoon meeting has been taken up by Axelrod talking like he's the fucking puppy.
  1204. That said, Hambone is fucking sharp. Really good debate advice. Someone get him a fucking Scooby Snack.
  1205. Turns out Hambone is a motherfucking shitting machine. Heading out to "inaugurate" Chico's new offices.
  1206. Hey Chico, you just got motherfucking Hamboned.
  1207. the real liz rudolph
    @MayorEmanuel that's not all Hambone is. you'll find out. :|
  1208. @subliculous if you mean fucking adorable, we've already figured that out.
    If you had the support of The Machine @MayorEmanuel, we could give you a new middle finger in return for political favors. #ChicagoMayor
  1210. @Machines4Chico fuck you and your stupid fucking fake account.
  1211. Motherfucking mother of god, whoever the fuck thought snow was a good idea today is fucking dead to me.
  1212. Great. This fucking puppy is scared of the motherfucking snow. He's pissed all over the floor. Hambone sleeps in the fucking Civic tonight.
  1213. Not Tom MannisThanks
    @MayorEmanuel Good fucking thing I live in Cook County where could we have so much fun with a New Fucking Mayor
  1214. @RexRedbone cook county doesn't have a mayor, you dumb fucking fuck.
  1215. Fuck lunch, we're going motherfucking sledding. Cricket Hill, bitches!
  1216. Axelrod is a mustachioed bullet streaking down the side of that fucking hill. Zoo-fucking-oom.
  1217. Carl the Intern's trying to go down standing up, but he keeps fucking falling off backwards. He's going to have a concussion.
  1218. Me, I've fucking puked twice from going down spinnies on a motherfucking disc. Walking up for round fucking three.
  1219. Saul Garcia
    @MayorEmanuel Who is your field operations manager... I recommend kidnapping Wunder from Chico.
  1220. @Saul_Chicago We just have Carl the Intern do most of that shit. He's got one of those iPhones. It's fucking incredible.
  1221. Axelrod's sledding outfit is one of the leftover luge suits from the Chicago 2016 Olympics photo shoot. Helmet and all.
  1222. When Axelrod gets to the bottom, he jumps off the sled, holds his hands straight over his head, and yells "STUCK THE FUCKING LANDING!"
  1223. Jesus fucking christ, I got half the fucking hill's worth of snow down my snowpants on that last run.
  1224. Last sledding run is a pile-on: Axelrod on the bottom, then Carl, then me, with motherfucking Hambone barking away on top.
  1225. We fucked that sledding hill so hard that it's not going to walk straight for a week.
  1226. Jesus fucking Christ, who replaced the Illinois statehouse with politicians with actual fucking balls?
  1227. CV McDonald
    @MayorEmanuel Your profanity reveals you're a boorish cretin!
  1228. @vdld My profanity reveals that I'm a fake fucking account, you stupid fuck.
  1229. Normally in Springfield everyone's too busy shitting themselves to actually get anything fucking done. What fucking happened?
  1230. Axelrod is making four middle-finger ice sculptures to put in front of Braun's house. One for every fucking mortgage she has.
  1231. Rabbi Lopatin stopped by. He's got a sock full of batteries that is happy to explain to anyone the meaning of "blood libel."
  1232. cowshark defin
    @MayorEmanuel Your last tweet didn't include the word fuck. Are you ok?
  1233. @cowsharky fucking fuck you, you stupid fucking motherfucker. Fucking happy now, asshole?
  1234. Supposed to read position statements, but instead spent the last three hours listening to that motherfucking Kanye record.
  1235. Plouffe faxed over a list of all the motherfucking "mayoral forums" coming up. I would rather shoot my left ball off than go to them all.
  1236. Kari Zableh
    @MayorEmanuel your 'Rabbi Lopatin' tweet is the first I've read which did not inc the word 'fuck'. Had to read it twice to make sure!
  1237. @KZableh Wow, you win a fucking prize.
  1238. Motherfuck, this is a fucking hot cup of fucking coffee. I think I just burned my motherfucking uvula.
  1239. Pork chop sandwiches for lunch. Bone-in, bitches.
  1240. One day, I'm never going to step foot in another goddamn L stop ever a-fucking-gain. Today is not that fucking day.
  1241. Jesus fucking Christ, let's get this hand-shaking over with.
  1242. Someone needs to carve a portrait of whoever invented coffee into the side of a motherfucking mountain.
  1243. Debate at the motherfucking Tribune offices this morning. Top on my list of bullshit that I don't want to fucking do.
  1244. Good thing we're sitting around a table, because I have to squeeze my balls occasionally just to stay awake. Boring fucking motherfuckers.
  1245. When Del Valle talks, I swear to fucking god it sounds like one of the teachers in a fucking Charlie Brown cartoon. Mwah wah waaah, wah-uh.
  1246. Hearing Braun talk about austerity budgets is like listening to a fat guy talk about fasting. Stick with what you fucking know.
  1247. My next response might be to just bang my head on the table until it fucking bleeds.
  1248. So Braun's plan to get us out of this budget crisis is apparently to pull a motherfucking unicorn out of her ass.
  1249. The best part about this fucking debate is that Carl the Intern is hanging outside the window on a washing platform, mooning the ed board.
  1250. Jesus fucking christ, could these questions be more predictable? How we just tell you assholes what you're going to ask next.
  1251. By all means, let's take time to talk about a motherfucking children's fucking museum. That seems fucking useful.
    @MayorEmanuel does carl the intern have a twitter account?
  1253. @ComfortablySmug his stepmom doesn't even let him have a cell phone.
  1254. The worst part about this debate is that Plouffe faxed over a list of words I couldn't say including "dickweed" and "twatwaffle." Fuck.
  1255. Ramsin Canon
    @MayorEmanuel Oh, I get the conceit! Rahm Emanuel supposedly swears a lot. Oh, clever!
  1256. @ramsincanon I forget: is it class warfare if I tell you to suck it out of my asshole?
  1257. Nicholas Beaudrot
    I hope @MayorEmanuel shares my rage at this zodiac bullshit. I'm a motherfucking sagittarius, for chrissakes.
  1258. @nbeaudrot no you're not, you're just a fucking idiot that believes in fucking fairy tales. Grow the fuck up.
  1259. It took forty-five fucking minutes to get to the parking meter deal. Fucking Axelrod wins the bet--I thought it would take three.
  1260. How the fucking fuck did I miss 13 installments in the "I Spit on Your Grave" franchise? Well, now I know what Clinton and I will be doing.
  1261. Wait just one fucking second. I Spit on Your Grave only came out in October. They made 13 more movies in 3 months? I call bullshit, Carol.
  1262. Well that's a fucking let down. There goes my motherfucking Monday night. Clinton's going to make us watch Saw again instead.
  1263. Can I get a voucher to skip the next fucking debate?
  1264. Now Carl the Intern is swinging by the window, flashing double birds. That kid's fucking going places.
  1265. Apparently, these other fucking candidates won't be happy until I fuck a motherfucking Care Bear.
  1266. Eric Reeb
    Continuity error! https://bit.ly/gwCMr0 RT @MayorEmanuel @ComfortablySmug his stepmom doesn't even let him have a cell phone.
  1267. @high_number @ComfortablySmug turns out it's a motherfucking iPod Touch. So fucking sue me.
  1268. Thank fucking Christ that's over. Now we need to figure out a way to get Carl the Intern down. He's fucking stuck up there.
  1269. Aaron Andersen
    @MayorEmanuel Carl the Intern's iPhone doesn't count as a cell phone?
  1270. @aaronmandersen fuck me if it isn't an iPod Touch. No wonder he never answers it.
  1271. Five o'clock, bitches--punch the fuck out. It's motherfucking Friday fucking night.
  1272. What the fucking fuck kind of name is "Reince Priebus"?
  1273. MOTHERFUCKING RED FUCKING ALERT: "Reince Preibus" is a motherfucking anagram for "Beer's Epic Ruin."
  1274. Brian Zable
    @MayorEmanuel How do you feel about putting ketchup on a hot dog?
  1275. @BrianZable you're motherfucking kidding, right?
  1276. Climbing the motherfucking french toast mountain this morning. Tally fucking ho.
    @MayorEmanuel Go for soy bacon, future mayor. We worry about your ticker.
  1278. @shylobisnett I worry more about motherfucking flavor.
  1279. Motherfucking shit fuckers. I just slammed my motherfucking finger stub in the fucking door of Axelrod's fucking Civic.
  1280. Up too motherfucking early this morning. Fuck this fucking bullshit.
  1281. Heading down to tailgate at motherfucking Soldier Field. Axelrod's wearing his homemade Staley costume, rigged with a drinking tube.
  1282. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1283. @sridinats You know how I'm spending my pregame? Not fucking talking to fucking you.
  1284. We tried to talk him out of it, but Carl the Intern is dressed as a Lovabull. He's going to be fucking cold.
  1285. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1286. @sridinats Sure, just give me a call: (312) E-A-T-S-H-I-T
  1287. My giant bottle of Jack costume is too tall to fit on the L. Fuck. If you see a huge bottle of whiskey walking down Milwaukee, that's me.
  1288. Axelrod's drinking tube is capped with a funnel. Every block or so, he's stopping and yelling, "PUT IT IN THE FUCKING FUNNEL!!
  1289. (Deleted before I could archive it.)
  1290. @sridinats Plouffe handles most of my press. Give him a call: (202) F-U-C-K-O-F-F
  1291. Axelrod's leading the entire fucking south lot in singing "Bear Down, Chicago Bears" except he's singing it as "Drink Up, Chicago Fans."
  1292. Axelrod's doing fucking handsprings in his fucking Bear costume.
  1293. I'm in my giant Jack bottle knocking people down Urlacher-style and yelling "YOU JUST GOT JACK'D." Then we do a fucking shot.
  1294. Carl the Intern just did a routine to C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat" that brought this whole fucking parking lot to a standstill
  1295. You're looking at the motherfucking king of the South Lot kegstands, bitches.
  1296. After all this, nobody's found a fucking ticket for the goddamn game except Carl.
  1297. Motherfucking touch motherfucking down motherfuckers.
  1298. Fuck yes you beautiful fucking team.
  1299. There's a rule that Seattle can just give the fuck up, right?
  1300. Motherfucking Jay fucking Cutler ladies and fucking gentlemen.
  1301. Axelrod's been doing a shot every time Seattle has had to punt. And Bears touchdowns. And time outs. And penalties. He's fucking gone.
  1302. Axelrod was putting on his Staley costume for halftime, but all he could manage was the head before he started fucking puking.
  1303. James Starzyk
    @MayorEmanuel What happened to Carl?! He didn't leave with a large group of men, did he? Those Luvabull outfits are alluring...
  1304. @jcstarzyk he got a ticket to the game on the fucking 50. We've been watching the game inside some dude's van.
  1305. James Starzyk
    @MayorEmanuel This game is so fucking amazing it doesn't matter where you're watching it from. Jack bottle costume fit in the van?
  1306. @jcstarzyk bottle neck fit through the fucking sun roof.
  1307. I say we just have Cutler run it every fucking play.